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Am I Being Abusive With Money?

(42 Posts)
jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:20:50

After being separated for 4 years my wife asked me to move back in 6 months ago, which I was happy to do. When she asked me to move out I was broke because I got made redundant and we used our savings. Since being separated I have managed to get a new job that pays reasonably well and I have been able to save about £40,000 on top of paying about £1,000 per month rent (which I don't pay any more as I have moved back in to the joint home).

She doesn't work and I have been paying her maintenance as well as child maintenance but now the kids are at Uni.

She now says that I am being abusive about money. We have separate bank accounts.

I don't think I am.

When I moved back in we brought a new super mini in cash because her car was unreliable (using my savings).

I also transferred £12,000 to her account as spending money for the year and pay £1,100 per month for bills. We live in a small house and the bills are £600 per month. The mortgage is paid off.

I earn £3,100 per month and pay £600 a month for the kids at Uni (£300 each).

I save £500 for emergencies.
I give my wife £1,100 for bills of £600
That leaves me with £900 and I pay £300 per month for my car and another £100 for insurance and maintenance, leaving £500 and I have to spend some of that looking smart for work.

I am away 3 weeks a month with work so we tend to do our own food shopping.

I get a bonus once a year which should be good enough to give her another £12,000 next year.

She says that she doesn't get enough to live on and wants more and because I control her money she thinks that counts as unreasonable behavior. I think that I have been generous but am willing to take advice.

(The figures have been rounded but are right to about £25 each.)

ClaudiaJean2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:26:03

You give her plenty. If she wants more, she needs to get a job.

KickAssAngel Sun 23-Oct-16 02:33:57

So you each end with about 500 a month for spending? Which seems fair, but why not just pool it all? Would she spend every penny, or do you just like to have control over what money goes where?

It isn't necessarily about how much money she gets, but also the feeling of being treated with equal respect. Giving her 'an allowance' no matter how generous, can be quite demeaning. Is that the issue, rather than the amounts?

ThatGingerOne Sun 23-Oct-16 02:34:45

She is an adult, you shouldn't have to give her pocket money.

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:48:50

She gets £1,500 per month (£12,000 in May this year and the monthly payments on top) and I get £500.

I know from previous experience that if we had a joint account my spending money would disappear each month before I got a chance to use it!

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:51:11

The transfer is made by standing order on the first of every month, I don't sit there and say here you go, here is your pocket money. I don't know what else to do.

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:53:19

She doesn't work so doesn't have her own money and that doesn't bother me. She has applied for one part time job in the six months we have been back together but didn't get it.

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 02:55:08

>>She is an adult, you shouldn't have to give her pocket money.

I am sorry, I am not sure that I understand the message (it is late).

If I didn't give her 2/3rds of our spare money she wouldn't have any money.

teenybean Sun 23-Oct-16 02:59:27

You are definitely NOT being abusive with money! That is ridiculous! She is being greedy. Good luck

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 23-Oct-16 03:01:36

Kids are at uni and she is not working? What on earth does she do all day (besides shop, by the sounds of things!!)

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 23-Oct-16 03:02:38

What is the female term for cocklodger?

Are you happy OP?

ChipIn Sun 23-Oct-16 03:04:14

I think you're being more than generous. You give her large sums of money and you seem to carry all the financial responsibility. After all of your outgoings you have a limit on your disposable cash, so why shouldn't she?

Sounds to me like you're being quite fair, especially seeing as you give cash to your DC too. If all bills and essentials are paid for by you I can't see why she would need more money. Sounds a little grabby... unless there are other essentials she has to pay for out of the amount you give her.

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 03:04:57

>>What on earth does she do all day

House keeping.
Goes round to her mums for a chat.
Takes the dog for a walk.
Goes for coffee with friends.

Pluto30 Sun 23-Oct-16 03:05:42

Tell her to get off her bum and get a job.

Applying for one part-time job in 6 months is a poor effort. If she wants more money, she needs to earn it.

AnnaT45 Sun 23-Oct-16 03:13:25

You sound very generous to me. If she wants to feel like she has her own money she should get a job!

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 03:15:44

>>Are you happy OP?

Oh yes! When we split I didn't date because I always wanted to be back with her!

I really miss the kids though - well DS just grunts and hasn't called more than twice. DD is on the phone every day to let us know what is going on!

KickAssAngel Sun 23-Oct-16 03:26:37

Hang on, I'm wondering if I read the OP right. You gave her $12,000 for the year, but I assumed that was out of your savings rather than something that will happen each year. Was that as a kind of 'now we're back together I'm sharing my savings with you' arrangement?

Then you give her 1,100 a month, BUT she pays approx. 600 of that into bills each month. Which leaves 500 left over for her (excluding the savings amount, if it was a one-off).

So that sounds about even.

Or did I mis-read the OP?

Scarydinosaurs Sun 23-Oct-16 05:55:10

Why does she think she doesn't need to work?

Cucumber5 Sun 23-Oct-16 06:15:40

Omg op. You more then provide! DH gives me money for food only and I have to use child benefit for everything else (kids shoes, haircuts, coats, trip money, coups of tea in cafes). Thankfully I work a few hours too. DH doesn't have spare cash as things are tight.

What does she spend her 12k on? Food? Leisure? Clothes?

To me it sounds like she's got spending issues. Money control issues. Does she know how to budget?

ThatGingerOne Sun 23-Oct-16 06:22:53

If I didn't give her 2/3rds of our spare money she wouldn't have any money.

So then tell her to go out and get work. Its should be a partnership, you should both contribute to the household which is now childless. If she wants to go out and spend money the way she is (I'm guessing a lot if you give her £12,000+) then she should earn it herself.

I know people who work full time who earn less than that, she should be able to pay her half of the bills and for anything else she wants with that amount of money each year.

Penfold007 Sun 23-Oct-16 06:36:46

OP you are being taken for a ride. Your estranged wife as you to move back in as your maintenance obligations end, the house could now be sold and you have savings. As soon as she's used up all your money she will ask you to leave.

Pluto30 Sun 23-Oct-16 07:01:04

Yep, I'd be wary of the wife's motives for asking the OP back too. Sounds like she's just money hungry. She didn't want him when he had no money, but once he had a dollar, she all of a sudden wants him back?

jamesk0001 Sun 23-Oct-16 11:18:30

>>Hang on, I'm wondering if I read the OP right. You gave her $12,000 for the year, but I assumed that was out of your savings

Yes the first £12,000 was out of savings so we effectively split the £40,000 I saved to a new car for her and £12,000 cash but I get a bonus each year and expect to be able to do the same next March.

ImperialBlether Sun 23-Oct-16 11:26:21

Sorry, but I think you're being taken for a complete mug.

sooperdooper Sun 23-Oct-16 11:32:25

I think she's got a very good set up financially!! Why doesn't she get a job?

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