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i need advice! : on what to contribute financially when moving in with a partner of 3 years who has his own mortgage/ house, and can't be very upfront about his financial situation

(24 Posts)
alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 12:03:32

I need some advice : "living with partner who has own mortgage and earns more/ splitting outgoing"
I am just turning 30, living at home. Partner is 33, has own house and mortgage for 8years.
We are thinking about moving in about a years time but a spanner has been put in the woks which I will explain later. He earns upto £45-50 per year which I found out as he didn't actually disclose this. We have been together for nearly 3 years. He is very independent financially and from a well off family but does it all himself. I live at home as of bad experiences in the past so don't want to move in with someone without knowing the facts

I've heard of tennant in common, agreement which sounds good. But that would be years down the line
I want to know what would be reasonable with paying bills and outgoings when you first move in?
I am being picky with this as it's not simple and straight forward with my partner, he's closed when it comes to talking about his outgoings and income, and said oh don't worry about mortgage and bills u know I'll pay that you just can pay abit of whatever, it may seem lovely to most females but not me.
That's not partnership in my eyes and would make me feel like a lodger without any say on anything including the house, in making it also my home.
I don't earn a great deal and out incomes are at other ends of the spectrums me :£16 pa his: £47-50 pa

It's hard as I'm fighting my own independence and control of my life. My partner in my eyes has said he will take care of all finances as its a way of him not having to disclose what he's got going and and going out and I don't want that blindness in my life, I have to be in control also

Further to this, he has told me he has £23 k in savings, for a car and this is offset against his mortgage. Which is great to see I'm with someone who saves it

But as I've had a bad past and small insecurities about men, I opened his bank statement not because of doubt but looking for that extra reassurance that what he says is true if we are to have a future together
His statement read more than he told me
£23k. - (actually £47k much more)
£2,400 - (savings that I knew about)
£6,500 - (did not disclose)
£40 in current account when I fact it was £1,400 a available)
And a £2k Xmas present from his dad he did not tell me about

I feel like he obviously doesn't trust me to tell me this, it's almost like financial infidelity. He says the £47k is not for anything in particular, just saving

The issue is, he saves 2/3 of his wage now I've realised but has been saying he doesn't have much money to actually live on and that he's so thrifty.

I confronted him, he was shocked but o feel hurt and almost lied too even though I guess it's non of my business. It opened my eyes up to the fact if we lived together e would have never told me about this he admits, so where do I take things from here?
I feel dubious now about living, and that he will never disclose try transparency on money and I want unity and partnership not a say on his money but to at least know
he says its security in case he looses his job but in all fairness he's been in it for 11yrs and is looking for a massive promotion in which he thinks he/ will live on a shoe string still?

specialsubject Sun 24-Jan-16 13:47:55

no female who hasn't time travelled from the 1950s would think this is 'lovely'. Being a kept woman has gone out of fashion.

how he manages his money and the fact that he doesn't waste it is his business, and isn't a problem. No job is secure and he sounds very sensible.

But if you are going to share a household and/or get married you both need to be fully informed. You're right that he doesn't trust you with his finances. Also if you move in and then the relationship ends, he won't be leaving. The plan he has will make you that kept woman even if he doesn't mean it that way.

I don't think either of you are wrong, but you seem to have very different financial attitudes. Time for some frank discussion about where you are going and what you both see as your future.

Oriunda Sun 24-Jan-16 13:54:37

If someone was about to move in with me, into my house, and opened a piece of my private mail, a bank statement to boot, I don't think I'd want them moving in with me any more as I wouldn't be able to trust them. There is absolutely no reason why he has to disclose all his earnings to you - at this stage of your relationship - most particularly cash that he received as a Christmas present from his father!

OurBlanche Sun 24-Jan-16 14:01:20

Well, aren't you a fine pair?

He isn't all that forthcoming and you respond by committing a crime!

Under the Postal Services Act 2000:

“A person commits an offence if he, without reasonable excuse, intentionally delays or opens a postal packet in the course of its transmission by post, or intentionally opens a mail bag.”

“A person commits an offence if intending to act to a person’s detriment and without reasonable excuse, he opens a postal packet which he knows or reasonably suspects has been incorrectly delivered to him.”

This, in essence, means that if you deliberately intercept, throw away or open somebody else’s post you are likely to be breaking the law.

findlaw.co.uk/law/criminal/other_crime_and_justice_topics/can-someone-else-open-my-mail.html

Should you have any real chance of a long lasting relationship you really do need to sit down and talk, starting with an apology. Repeat until you both come to a conclusion.

alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:50:08

Thankyou for the advice. Like I said I didn't realise it was a crime

I don't know now what what to do, I know the advice is fired at me, for opening it, but I don't want to live within a lie

Yes, I realise without intent I would end up being slightly kept, and I don't like that,
I am quite strong minded like my mum and we often see our parents as an influence maybe myself and partner have totally different upbringings

Me: my mother is the bread winner and sorts all household finances

Partner: his dad controls everything, and everything is in his name

But I am a modern day female, and although I don't earn much I work hard and have Some integrity and just don't appreciate being taken for a fool with someone putting the wool over my eyes, just don't like any vulnerability I may have

OurBlanche Sun 24-Jan-16 15:36:54

Given that I am hard pressed to see why you are still with him, alleycat.

From what you have said you are not well matched and don't have particularly clear communication. The 'being kept' stuff is all fine and dandy, until you are in a long term relationship with good communication, when it ceases to matter - I say that as I am currently being kept and have in the past been the keeper.

If you can't get past that and he can't open up enough to make that happen then you can't really commit fully to each other, sad as that might seem to you right now.

I hope you do manage an open and meaningful discussion and can come to a decision that makes you feel comfortable.

alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:52:08

That's fair enough to say but I wouldn't want to live with him now because he's not being upfront so works both ways,
And it won't happen again with me looking at that , he's sly enough to keep all his paperwork at his parents house anyway
I've not done anything in the past to show I'm untrustworthy

alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 15:55:37

But I have him , as caught him canoodling and allover someone at a wedding where I didn't attend

DoreenLethal Sun 24-Jan-16 16:05:45

Why are you bothering then? You can't trust each other and this will not end well.

Borninthe60s Sun 24-Jan-16 16:12:02

He's tight. Frugal. Careful.

I'd offer a monthly sum based on pro rata for all outgoing

alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 16:41:04

Thankyou I do appreciate the individual advice

OurBlanche Sun 24-Jan-16 16:41:38

So, you really don't like/trust him then?

Why are you fighting it? We only have your posts to go by and you don't sound happy - I doubt you'd have snuck a look at his bank account otherwise.

Make yourself happier.

specialsubject Sun 24-Jan-16 18:34:44

ah, the inevitable drip-feed. So he's ready to give other women a go?

don't bother. Obviously.

have some self-respect and move on. Good luck.

alleycat1986 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:07:42

Thanks

I do have self respect, he's not giving other women ago, my mum said you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt on one occasion

this is a different Situation, he's not a big time player, but I tried to explain why I looked at the statement in the first instance bkuz I had a niggle about the trust with seeing another woman sat on his lap
I'm just very confused and wanted to know what to do if someone wants to live with you and settle but does not disclose their finances/ savings/ income when it was a considerable amount more than he was letting on
On what grounds do you move on from this and on what terms?smile

specialsubject Sun 24-Jan-16 20:13:01

no, men in love with one woman don't do with another what you've described.

you don't need grounds to move on. You don't live with him and you don't have kids. Fortunately.

Bearbehind Mon 25-Jan-16 12:58:29

This relationship has red flags waving wildly everywhere.

From what you've said the reality is, he's just not that into you.

The huge warning sign is the 'thinking about moving in about a years time'

You've been together for 3 years- what's going to change in the next year compared to now?

I suspect the reality is he keeps on delaying a potential move for various reasons.

You can't be financially independent if he earns 3 times what you do and you are living in a property that would be beyond your means without him but that doesn't mean you are beholden to him.

Lots of couples have disparity in earnings, more so if the woman goes on mat leave, but the big difference is they don't see it as how much each contributes financially, it's about what works for them.

It sounds like this relationship is doomed, you don't trust him and he sees no need to tell you the truth about his financial situation. Add to that the other woman issue and it sounds like you need to run for the hills.

specialsubject Mon 25-Jan-16 13:34:17

yep. 'he's not a big time player'... or 'he's a bit crap but he's the best I'll do'.

no-one should settle for this!

OP gone though, always a risk when people ask for advice - may not like what they heard.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 25-Jan-16 13:40:14

Don't move in with him. It will be a disaster.

HTH smile

alleycat1986 Mon 25-Jan-16 14:00:46

No it's okay I appreciate the advice I really do,
Just had so many varied views

I had to say why my trust was lacking
But I have to says he's a decent person, quite placid really that's why it shocked me
For old time sack I did punch her lights out and was the wedding guests said I over reacted but I just looked through the door as I was picking him up, not at the wedding
Ironic as I'm a wedding planner!

But he was flirting, then next she was sat on his lap

just put him into a different light he said it won't happen again and I shouldn't keep bringing it up as over a year ago but I am sensitive and it takes one thing

He would want me to move in sooner I am the one who said a year, then I snooped through his bank statement he wasent mad just a bit white in the face that I saw how much he really had
Which has caused arguments ever since, as I don't see why you would lie or feel the need it's weird
I have been controlled before and I just don't like that feeling, so I have to know everything basically, financially and all other things

Bearbehind Mon 25-Jan-16 14:10:29

I did punch her lights out

Really? And you think that's something to be proud of?

TBH it sounds like you 2 deserve each other. You are being controlling by demanding you have to know everything, reading his bank statements and hitting people at weddings.

alleycat1986 Mon 25-Jan-16 14:32:47

I wasent going to walk over and thank her

Manopaws Mon 25-Jan-16 21:32:04

If you don't trust him then don't move in it will eat you up and in turn ruine both your lives.

Get out while you still can.

bookishandblondish Mon 25-Jan-16 21:49:50

This isn't remotely my area of expertise but if you are considering moving in with him, it might be worth looking at the marriage prep stuff done by churches. The main reason is you start to understand the priorities and behaviour which someone manages their money by - and also facilitates a discussion on how together you want to manage money.

By the way, he may appear to earn a lot and be going for promotion - his job may be very dependent upon performance/ profit etc. Just saying that high earners can be very precarious ( I know of three major companies where each year, a cull is done - all will be high earners but it's either promotion or leave at certain grades)

alleycat1986 Tue 26-Jan-16 07:20:59

Thankyou that's true
Yes his basic is just £26,500 and the rest is OT approx £17k plus, he's being doing the overtime as standard requirement for 11years
I will definitely look into the church prep things as didn't realise they had that discussion or dos that kind of thing
Thankyou

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