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How to drag yourself out of debt with a DH that can't stop spending?!?

(105 Posts)
KatsMother28 Sat 01-Feb-14 12:15:13

Hi

Looking for some advice here as I feel like I'm drowning and can't talk to DH about it. My DH and I bought a house 5 years ago with a mortgage + from Northern Rock. At that point we were fairly debt free as the + part if the mortgage paid off existing debts.

5 years down the line we now have a 2 year old, I work part time and due to spending, salary cuts and other problems we now have 1 car loan, 1 personal loan, 3 credit cards, 4 overdrafts and owe families money. All in all I estimate we owe £130k on an income of less than £24k a year (between us).

We run 2 cars so as to get DD to MIL who provides free child care as my DH works shifts. We do have certain luxuries such as Sky TV and Internet but this is the only pleasure I get. We haven't had a holiday in years, don't go out and I don't spend money on myself as I can't justify it.

Unfortunately, my DH doesn't have the same issue. At Xmas he bought himself a PS4 after getting an Xbox1 the week before on trade in & just yesterday he took delivery of a iPad Air as he broke his old one by leaving it on top of a car.

What the hell do I do (and please don't say ltb as it's not an option) sad

Well you can't drag yourself out of joint debt alone.

All you can do is minimise your financial ties together if you've a spendthrift dh.

Are you hoping at some point to be on the same page?

Does ypur DH want to stop spending? Would he agree to giving you control over all monies and tale a small allowance? One that you could also have. Then all excess money spent on bills and repayments.

KatsMother28 Sat 01-Feb-14 12:27:41

Yeah, whenever I speak to him about it he says that he'll stop spending and that he wants to be debt free but the next time you look there's more deliveries and the bills have risen again.

I'm tied to him financially in every possible way, there's no way to distance myself from his debts and lending him money and getting us out of holes over the years has left my finances in as bad a state as his.

Rosa Sat 01-Feb-14 12:28:46

Does he realize the consequences as you do or is he hoping on a lottery win?
Agree these are big expenses he is having and could easily do without. Or he gets another job ( don't know if possible) and /or you need to have a serious talk with him.
Maybe put all that you owe down on paper and then do a forecast of where you will be in 5 years time unless this stops.

KatsMother28 Sat 01-Feb-14 12:29:29

I should add that all bills come out of his account as he earns more than me. Can't see a way to change this as we're both at the bottom (and lots of times over) of our overdrafts.

Cookiepants Sat 01-Feb-14 12:29:51

How does your DH feel about your situation? Would he agree to "pocket money" in cash from you and you control the finances til your more solvent?

You have a child now so protecting your home should be both your priorities.

Before our DS was born me and DH would live on toast and tea for the last week of the month as we would spend a lot on treats but that's not appropriate now.

addictedtosugar Sat 01-Feb-14 12:31:26

If he wants to get out of the debt, he needs to stop spending. So, how does HE think it needs to happen?
How would he feel if you had an account for household spending and debt repayment, which he gets cash from for general spending, and then each of you get £X per week / month to spend on you (assuming this is budgetable for), to allow him to buy computer games etc? He needs to have less access to money so he can't spend it, but he also needs to accept that this is what needs to happen, or you will become the evil one.

addictedtosugar Sat 01-Feb-14 12:32:20

OK, cross posts. So the money needs to come out of his account before it gets frittered, so into a household account?

rookiemater Sat 01-Feb-14 12:33:41

Does that £130k include your mortgage?

I don't know the answer, DH is somewhat similar, although luckily we have a higher income and we do prioritise clearing off the mortgage. Is it just electronics that he is a spendthrift on, or is it other stuff as well?

morethanpotatoprints Sat 01-Feb-14 12:38:48

Hello OP.

This won't improve unless you take over the finances yourself.
If your dh persists in his reckless spending then you will have to treat him like a child and give him pocket money or not as the finances dictate.
There is no way I would stand for this, he needs to stop now or else give him his marching orders.
How can he sleep at night with all that debt?
Sorry OP I know its not your fault but your dh makes me angry

antimatter Sat 01-Feb-14 12:42:15

He can't have access to any cards if he behaves like that.
He should only ever deal in cash which you give him as spending money.

If you don't look into this issue seriously now you both will loose your house and be made bankrupt. Then what?

Does he refuse discussing his attitude towards money?

Viviennemary Sat 01-Feb-14 12:42:21

First of all he doesn't seem to be in the least bit concerned over the massive amount of money you owe. And until he is there isn't a lot you can do about it apart from cutting of his access to money with his agreement. I'd go and get some debt advice from either the Citizens Advice Bureau or one of the voluntary organisations. Don't go to one of those debt companies.

KatsMother28 Sat 01-Feb-14 12:52:34

Thanks everyone, the £130k does include the mortgage and his spending is on gadgets & games for himself, toys for DD & random gifts for me that I almost always ask him to take back (which he won't).

He seems to live in a fantasy world where 'someone' will give him enough money to pull us out of this either a lottery win, PPI payment or publishing deal for a book he never actually writes. He works full time and is hoping for a promotion which will mean a payrise but still not a massive one.

I will speak to him about the pocket money idea but how do I go about doing this? Would we need a joint account where bills etc can come fromconfused?

Cookiepants Sat 01-Feb-14 13:02:42

In the short term you hold all the cards / passwords etc. and give him an agreed cash handout e.g £100/ month. Once it's spent it's gone.

Yep. Joint account. All DDs come out of there.

Each have pocket money (say �30pw of budget allows). Have a groceries budget - shop.online so you can see the total and make swaps if needed.

You sot down and work out all bills, grocery allowance and pocket money allowance. Every thong extra - goes to pay off debt - start with whatever os costing you the most in interest.

Mamafratelli Sat 01-Feb-14 13:10:03

Take the mortgage out of the equation. How much do you owe not including the mortgage? Will be much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

pictish Sat 01-Feb-14 13:17:08

Well...it's clear he's living in kiddy la la land isn't it? The land of candyfloss and toys, where money you borrow doesn't have to be paid back.
An xbox one and a ps4?? What the fuck is he on?

I agree that you need to take over handling ALL of the money until such a time as he can grow up and get a grip. Of course, pocket money is for children, but seeing as that's how he conducts himself, that is how he will have to be treated.

KatsMother28 Sat 01-Feb-14 13:19:55

Without the mortgage it's £45k. He's just rung me & I mentioned wanting to sit down and talk about our finances & he's had a go at me as 'there's no point, there's nothing we can do more than we're doing' & having him cut back as he's 'trying to'.

Guess that gives me an idea of how well he'd respond to the idea of me having control of finances. :'(

pictish Sat 01-Feb-14 13:20:14

Oh...and a new ipad as well.
How does he look the members of your family you owe money to, in the eye?

GinOnTwoWheels Sat 01-Feb-14 13:20:53

£130k debt on £24k income sounds very difficult to deal with. It could be the case that you can't even manage your basic bills before luxuries or debt repayments. Are you getting all the tax credits etc you are entltled to?

You must get professional advice from citizens advice or step change. You could also try the get out of debt section at www.moneysavingexpert.com. There you can fill in a statement of affairs (your incomings and outgoing) which will show whether or not you can afford your basic bills, how long it would take to repay your debts and if you can afford any 'spending money'.

You MUST get your DH on board, or the situation will never resolve itself and you will go on for years effectivley just paying the interest and charges on your debts for years and years and getting nowhere sad.

Do you know the value of your house and your outstanding mortgage? If you have little or no equity, it might be better for one or both of you to go bankrupt or get an individual voluntary arrangement, to pay some of your debts over no more than 5 years. If the situation turns out to be not so serious, it might be solvable by a formal debt management plan. But you shouldn't do any of this without advice based on your circumstances. If you go down this road, you will lose access to credit for at least six years, and you will both be forced into learning to budget.

pictish Sat 01-Feb-14 13:23:03

He's not 'trying to'. He thinks he desrves and is entitled to, all the treats and luxuries he wants.
Who cares if he can't afford it? Someone else will pay for it. Or maybe he'll write a book, that will definitely get published and make his fortune.

Jesus H Christ. hmm

Bloodyteenagers Sat 01-Feb-14 13:23:15

Pocket money.
Another account that all the bills come out of.
His wages transferred to you, and you give him a weekly allowance of something that can be afforded based on what's left after household expenses. Credit is not included.
Credit cards get cut up.

The ps4, xbone and ipad are to be sold to pay off debts.

When he grows up and realises that he has to live within his means, and debts are paid off, then maybe he can have one back. But not all 3 ffs, that's a holiday there for everyone.

TheGreatHunt Sat 01-Feb-14 13:24:39

You can and should ditch stuff like sky (we have). Phone mobile phone providers and switch to cheaper tariffs.

Review travel options to mil.

Can you work more hours and use different childcare? As long as you're getting a net increase in pay that's the main thing. Use childcare vouchers if you can.

Cut up all credit cards.

I think you'll have to put it on paper for your DH. He's in denial.

(wtf is he doing with an iPad air when you have £45k of debt!?)

Preciousbane Sat 01-Feb-14 13:25:09

I actually think that over a period of time I would fall out of love with someone like this.

You will have to take control 100%.

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