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How do you divide your outgoings with your dp?

(95 Posts)
whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 20:57:22

I have returned to work part-time so have halved my wage.
Dp and I have always paid the same amount into our joint account to cover the mortgage, council tax, water, tv licence and life insurance. He then pays for food, gas and electricity while I pay for dd's clothes, toys and activities. We don't have childcare costs thankfully.

Now that I am unable to earn any extra money I'm not sure that this way is entirely fair now but dp begrudges giving me any money and wants to know why I need it etc which makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable for asking him.

I have worked out that my wage is equivalent to 23% of his if that makes a difference to my question.

So could you please give me an idea of what other people do and feel free to tell me I am lucky (or not) with the way things are already.

biryani Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:29

We have separate accounts. Dp sees to the mortgage (it's his house) and bills, and I see to dd and everything else, including holidays. We both have our own cars, phones etc.It's about 50/50, although I bring in less. The only thing that's shared is food.

I'd rather have control over my own money as he's a bit tight.

YonicTheHedgehog Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:56

Could he have more debts than you know about? I only ask because my DH hid some debts from me once, pre DC and pre the all in one pot thing, and that could be a reason he's not open about money with you.

Katiebeau Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:57

My salary outstrips DHs by 4 times but we have equal "own money". The rest goes into joint acct & savings. Any DH/DW who does differently is unreasonable.

Fairylea Tue 16-Jul-13 22:28:11

Biryani - so he pays the mortgage and owns it, what happens to you and dd if you split up?

Fairylea Tue 16-Jul-13 22:35:20

I say that because when I met dh I owned my house. We remortgaged it for half and I put the house into both our names, so effectively as he is working he is paying the remortgage and therefore buying his share. So we both equally share our house.

I wouldn't feel happy living in a house where my dh owned it solely and neither would my dh but I guess everyone is different.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 22:37:15

He did have more debts than I knew about but I looked at his post so that I could find out exactly how much he owed. He could have borrowed more since but he doesn't have any need to or anything to show for it if he has.

I have just done a rough calculation based on us doing 50/50 and I would be so much better off smile.

I'm not sure what he would do if we had to start paying for childcare as it would use up all of my wages so we are lucky in that respect.

While I was on m/l I had saved up money for this purpose from a second job so he didn't give me any extra then even though I wasn't being paid for some of the time.

This thread is making me feel a bit angry even though I started it because it is making me realise that whilst he has 3 hobbies which he pays for monthly I don't have anything as I can't afford to.

I asked for the entrance fee when I was meeting a friend to take our dc's out and he said he didn't have any money on him, fine I don't always carry cash but he didn't even give it to me the following evening when he had been out all day so I am still out of pocket angry angry angry (not by much and it was a bit of a test but I have decided now that he has failed)

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 22:39:35

fairylea that sounds like a really sensible and fair idea

Everything has to be family income - you've made sacrifices and he's maintaining his lifestyle, not fair.
Equity in everything or you might find you're better off without him.

AnythingNotEverything Tue 16-Jul-13 22:48:16

You need to sort this out, or it will only get worse.

You aren't living as equals. You both contribute equally to the family, and should have the appropriate respect, freedom and financial independence you deserve.

noviceoftheday Tue 16-Jul-13 22:50:17

When I was at uni, I shared a house with friends. Our monies were separate, they were all well off, I was broke. That was fine because we were housemates. Now, it would not be fine for either dh or I to be swanning around flush (or flush enough to be able to afford hobbies) while the other is broke. That wouldn't be a relationship, that's what housemates do. Your dp is taking the piss.

BackforGood Tue 16-Jul-13 23:08:27

As a family, all our money comes into the one, joint account (my salary, his salary, child benefit, tax credits when we used to get them). Along with all bills, we also have a standing order to each of us, for the same, equal amount for our "pocket money". Totally up to us what we spend it on, or if we save any or not, and not for the other one to question, but it's the same amount for each of us, as we are 2 halves of one couple.

Purple2012 Tue 16-Jul-13 23:12:09

Our salaries go In to our own accounts. We keep the same amount each in that account I the rest goes into the joint account. My husband earns more than me so pays more into the joint account but we pay for and feed and clothe his daughter. I also brought a lot of money into the relationship which is how we could afford our house.

123rd Tue 16-Jul-13 23:19:19

We have separate current accounts which our wage are paid into. (My wage is considerably smaller then dh) dh pays all direct debits I.e council tax, water has etc. no mortgage. I pay for food, child care,everyday expenses, clothes etc. dh tops up my monthly income

Trills Tue 16-Jul-13 23:22:29

Obviously the best plan is to discuss this before you have a child with someone.

If you are a team , and you both contribute to the household equally (eith in monetary terms or by doing other things), then you should both have equal spending money, and both agree how much is needed for not-for-spending-money (for household costs, for child related costs, etc)

CointreauVersial Tue 16-Jul-13 23:25:35

hmm you are talking about "his" debts, "my" money......

In this household, we have one pot; all money is paid in, and all household/childcare/recreational expenses are paid out of that pot.

When DH and I met, I earned double what he did. Then I stopped work completely for 6 years, and earned nothing. Now I work part time and earn about 1/3 of what he does. It's irrelevant.

If I get a bit spendy on clothes, I might get the hmm look, but pretty much every decision on spending is made together. We are partners. OK, we are now married, but weren't for a long time.

CointreauVersial Tue 16-Jul-13 23:27:57

OP, taking it to extremes, say you lost your job, or gave up work to be a SAHM, would he still expect you to pay 50%?

PeriodMath Tue 16-Jul-13 23:30:26

How odd are some of these responses. I can't imagine living with my husband as flat-mates, chipping in equally for the loo roll and gas bill.

Any money that comes into this house is owned and spent jointly.

Facebaffle Tue 16-Jul-13 23:34:44

How do people love like this?

All our money goes into one account. I earn about a third of dh salary. All bills, food, spending comes out if the account. I "look after" the account and transfer money into joint savings accounts as and when.

We don't monitor each others spending and any large personal purchases/weekend trips etc are discussed but never resented in any way.

His attitude stinks.

Facebaffle Tue 16-Jul-13 23:35:10

* live smile

LadyBigtoes Tue 16-Jul-13 23:44:16

I work part-time in a variable freelance job and DP works full-time in a well-paid job - he earns much more.

We both pay into a joint account to cover ALL joint outgoings - mortgage, bills, food shopping, house maintenance, nursery fees, kids' clothes, family meals out etc. We work it out so that we both get roughly the same amount left over in our own joint accounts (though this varies for me, but evens out over time).

So (these aren't the real figures):
- say we need 3K per month going into the joint account
- I bring in 1000 a month net and he brings in 3000 a month net
- I pay in 500, he pays in 2500
- We both get 500 spending money to keep in our own private current accounts, pay into savings, etc.

This is totally fair because while we have small children, when I'm not doing my paid work I am working non-stop doing childcare and housework – a job that he readily admits is harder work than what he does at work, and one he thanks his lucky stars he doesn't do.

It's irrelevant that he's a high earner - we don't pay percentages of our salaries, because that would leave me skint and him rolling in spare cash. We both work incredibly hard, money comes in, we share it in a way that leaves us equal in terms of private spending power.

Otherwise you have got one person in the relationship able to do and buy all sorts and one person struggling - even if that lower earner is working hard at home when not "at work".

I can see it might not be quite the same when you only have DC at school and therefore the SAH partner might just get lots of nice free time in the daytime, in which case it's not quite the same fair balance.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 23:46:11

I call it 'his' debt because he already had it when we met but I didn't know about it. If he agreed to share all of our money equally then the repayments would come out of that before any spending money. But I am not willing to contribute more than I already do because he has to pay of a debt.

I'm not sure what he would expect if I lost my job and I always knew I wouldn't be able to be a sahm because he made it perfectly clear that we couldn't afford it.

We are pretty much flat mates now anyway and the advice on this thread just highlights this. He does his own thing, I stay in with dd. I ask to do something together, he doesn't want to etc sad

We don't have a relationship anymore and if I thought I could stay in my home with dd then we probably wouldn't be together but he refuses to leave so we carry on.

I am going to suggest the wage sharing just to see what he says smile

If you've already had discussions about him leaving then I think the time for discussions about splitting the family money is long gone....

Is your name on the mortgage? You need to move out and live a happy independent life for you and dd.

Things are not going to get any better, don't settle for this.

Sorry.

My ex was a Scrooge and it was the realisation that if we had children I would have to ask him for, and account for, every penny, that made me leave him.

Dp and I now have been together 15 yrs, 2 kids. While we don't have joint account, all our money is for the family and we discuss big purchases. The decision of who is going to pay for it is based solely on who has the money in their account at the time. We are both self employed, I tend to get smaller regular amounts more frequently, he tens to get larger sums on a less frequent basis (sometimes nothing for a couple of months then one big lump).

We live I his house and rent my old house out, so financially if we split up I am sorted.

Mamafratelli Wed 17-Jul-13 09:58:44

I could not and would not live like this.

All of our money goes in and out of one account. We discuss big purchases but no one controls the money it is ours to share.

rosebleu Wed 17-Jul-13 10:55:13

If your DP has debts it might be best to keep your accounts separate, especially as it seems you don't have a complete picture of his debts/finances. I have always had separate accounts from DH and this was an advantage for us as I went bankrupt last year (old debts from before we got together). So it was a good thing that the house was all in his name as it meant the creditors couldn't touch it! DH still has an excellent credit rating as we're not financially linked, so he can access all the good financial products as a result of that, while I was able to make a fresh start with all my debts cleared but not having to face the stress of having assets taken or making any payments. It will be tricky for you though if you have a joint mortgage, as that will be seen as linked finances.

In day to day life though, we share our income as DH is the sole earner and I just get some carers benefits. It wouldn't make any sense for DH to keep his earnings from me, as I have more time during the day to do the shopping etc. I use his debit card for shopping and online orders, and can get cash from his account, so effectively I have full access to everything, but it's sensible for us to keep it in his name until my credit rating is clear in a few years.

Thurlow Wed 17-Jul-13 12:08:04

Flibbertyjibbet is right. If there has been talk of splitting up, don't go any further down the joint account road. I know the reason why most couples who maintain a degree of separation in their finances do it for the security of having access to their own money. He should definitely be helping you out more, but whatever you do don't in this situation merge your money into one.

Is the house his or yours?

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