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dh earns 22000 a year means 1300 per month in hand - no prospects to improve his salary - diffcult to accept

(77 Posts)
Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 09:24:22

we have small 2 kids. dh about 40 works full time; leaving home at 7.00 and coming back 5.00 pm. bringing 1300 monthly into bank account. I earn more and generally believe in career development, but with my dh this has been the same of 8 years and i do not see any motivation in him to improve. can someone point me into the right direction - how can I accept that HE does not want to improve his development and salary and he is going to stay for another 25 years in the same job. I do not see it changing and find it hard to accept

lougle Mon 08-Apr-13 09:31:04

It depends if he is working to his potential and is fulfilled in what he does?

nkf Mon 08-Apr-13 09:35:08

Hard to accept because you want a more dynamic husband? Or because you want more money coming in? Or because it feels unequal in terms of contribution? Do you know why you find it so hard?

ClaraOswald Mon 08-Apr-13 09:46:34

Is he finding his work fulfilling?

Why does it matter so much for you? Do you want to cut down your hours at work?

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 09:51:45

hard to accept - 1. lack of initiative and his lack of going forward/ dynamics 2. the money that he is bringing - maybe it is better to go part time for him and spend more time with kids ( at least I could see a positive element of kids spending more time with the parent)

lougle Mon 08-Apr-13 09:58:49

Is he different now to when you married him?

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 10:01:46

i considered cutting my hours but as I am main earner i decided not to shake my work situation

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 10:02:56

he is not diffident to when i married him - it is just NOW i realise how it is important to go forward in life and be driven rather than passive in life

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 10:04:36

I think you're being massively unfair.

Not everyone is ambitious and it isn't as if he is is a feckless waster who doesn't want to work.

This is your issue - he appears happy with his lot - and you need to get over it.

rustybusty Mon 08-Apr-13 10:05:04

I would say thats a pretty decent salary tbh. I think you are being quite unfair to him.

Eskino Mon 08-Apr-13 10:05:24

I don't think this is the right time to be thinking about leaving a stable position to look for one that is better paid. Also, If he's happy in his work, this counts for a lot.

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 10:05:34

If you wanted a dynamic husband, then you obviously married the wrong man.

MoreBeta Mon 08-Apr-13 10:06:57

Hotpotato - you should take advantage of this and do what me and DW did years ago BEFORE we had children.

We sat down and agreed that she would have the high flying career and I would take the strain at home with a more flexible job. Sounds like your job and your career prospects are better so you need to maximise that but your DH needs to agree to take the pressure off you by taking on more at home. That way those late meetings, working away, training days, schmoosing with clients etc can all happen and you can relax knowing all is covered back at home.

Honestly, it is imposisble for both parents to pursue a fast moving career and have children without buying in 24/7 childcare cover. Better to work around the circumstances you have and make it into an advantage.

StuffezLaBouche Mon 08-Apr-13 10:08:09

Hang on, if you're earning more then your combined monthly household income must be 3k or more? Unless you're in an expensive part of the country, that sounds ok to me. And I would take very unkindly to someone who started telling me what job I should be doing, actually.

Maybe he is happy doing what he is doing at the level he's at? Not everyone wants to 'climb the career ladder'.

If you're both working and are able to pay all the bills etc., and your DC's are happy and healthy, I don't think there is a problem here.

Booyhoo Mon 08-Apr-13 10:13:20

umm. if you want more money then YOU go and earn more, seeing how progression is YOUR thing.

if this guy is the same as when you married and chose to have dcs with him then he hasn't broken any promises and shouldn't have to put in more hours just to meet some 'desired criteria' you have decided is now important.

poor guy.

22k is £1480 net monthly. I am pedantic. If hes paying into a pension etc then thats a good thing.

I think if you were a man coming on here writing this about your wife you would be called a lot of names.

Life isnt about money. If you feel that money is more important than loving your spouse then I really pity you.

EndoplasmicReticulum Mon 08-Apr-13 10:18:33

My husband earns less than that. He is not ambitious at all, and does the minimum at work as they have not given him a pay rise in years. These things may or may not be connected! However, in our case this works out fine as he has been able to change his hours to do school runs, and he does majority of child-wrangling in term time.

I definitely did not marry him for his money. I married him because I love him.

Viviennemary Mon 08-Apr-13 10:18:47

I also thought he should be coming out with more than that in his hand. And I agree that life isn't all about money but it is nice to have a bit more. At one a lot of my friends were better off than us but it's changed now. You can try and work out if there is any retraining either of you can do if you are set on improving things financially.

Hotpotatofood Mon 08-Apr-13 10:42:27

yes, he is paying into pension so it comes from £1480. I do want to find a compromise - as MoreBeta said to find his strengths and utilise that. if I accept that it is Ok as it is now - it will mean that he will stay there till he is retired there - it is a bit SAD

ELR Mon 08-Apr-13 10:46:32

Is he happy though? If he is then you have to accept that maybe he likes doing and being where he is, everything in life doesn't have to be bigger and better.

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 10:48:14

It might be SAD for you, but maybe not for him hmm

Have you spoken to him about what he wants?

How would you feel if someone was forcing you out of a job you are satisfied with and into a path of career devolopment you had no interest in?

Mutt Mon 08-Apr-13 10:48:48

I feel really sorry for your DH.

givemeaclue Mon 08-Apr-13 11:01:18

Happiness at work counts for a lot. As does job security.

VenusRising Mon 08-Apr-13 11:06:40

Maybe he needs to take up the slack at home more as beta has said, so you can flex your earning potential.

Tbh I couldn't stick a man who had no gumption. But then I married a man who had a lot and he still has.

Sorry for your situation. People do change and maybe you have, but he hasn't so much? Maybe time to have a little family counselling to address the changes, and perceived failings?

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