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How to persuade DP that we should share our wages equally?

(115 Posts)

Hello, really hoping for some practical advice here!

DP and I are getting hitched in August. Currently, we have seperate bank accounts and each pay exactly half of every bill, leaving our 'spending money' seperate. He earns a couple of hundred more each month than I do; hopefully that will be changing very soon but that's the situation as it stands.

I have always believed that we should keep it this way until recently, but it's starting to feel silly. When I broached the idea of a joint account and pooling our wages before splitting them equally, including spending money, he seemed to feel that I was basically just asking for some free money (because I would end up better off out of this, and he worse).

BUT. And here's the but. Although part of me believes in completely seperate finances, the other part believes that in order to be completely equal in partnership what we actually need is pooled resources. From a feminist perspective (with me, there's always a feminist perspective!), it's this:

A) Keeping finances seperate technicaly means we are 'financially independant' from each other (although not true, as neither of us could maintain our current lifestyle withoutt he other paying half of stuff).

B) Pooling our resources means we both have equal amounts of everything, which actually feels more fair in some ways.

So I'm not sure whether to push it or not. I currently feel strongly in favour of B, and think we should sort this out before we have DC in a few years. But every time I bring it up he is negative and seems to basically think I'm trying to take his money (which makes me think he's being childish and quite frankly a bit of a knob).

WWYD?

(X-posting to the Feminist Chat board)

cheeseandpineapple Thu 10-Jan-13 13:51:24

I think even the most reasonable of blokes can get nervous at the thought of losing their financial independence and to be honest not just blokes. For a long while DH and I pre marriage and early days of marriage had sep accounts, our salaries went into our own accounts and then a fixed amount went into a joint account from which bills and stuff was paid. I earned more than DH and can't remember the proportions. But I was happy with this. Over time and post children, somehow we have evolved to having one joint bank account now for both our salaries and payments. Ironically all our savings are in my former sole accounts and we keep mumbling about making them joint but haven't got round to it although he has Internet access to them.

It can take some people longer to get their head round true financial unity. In some ways it's the ultimate acid test for trust. I think the questions people have suggested and approach you're making is a good one.

I don't think he is unreasonable for having some issues but the way he handles them and whether he is committed to reaching a compromise given how you feel and his outlook for the future as your situation changes will be telling - listen to your instinct on that.

Pancakeflipper Thu 10-Jan-13 13:58:18

We have our own accounts and a joint account. DP worked out what we need to cover bills/ saving for hols/cars etc... And we each pay percentage into the account. He earns far more than me so he puts in a higher amount. We both have the same amount left for ourselves. Works for us.

Ooh, yes, the talking conch worked out really well as I recall...can't go wrong there wink

@funnypeculiar grin

DonderandBlitzen Thu 10-Jan-13 14:53:12

I think what you plan to say is good, but what if for some reason you don't end up earning loads as a lecturer one day. Might he hold that against you? ie. "You promised that if i shared my money with you then you'd pay it back when you earn loads as a lecturer."

DonderandBlitzen - if he tried to pull that one he's be given what-for.

DonderandBlitzen Thu 10-Jan-13 15:39:05

grin Is it the sort of thing he might say? Or is he not like that?

Not all all like that! Wouldn't be with him if he was! smile

What we've decided is to both get paid into a joint account, then split any spending money down the middle and transfer it into our single-person accounts so we can spend it as we like.

Thanks for your input everyone, it helped me know it was the right thing to do and after talking it through with him he finally gets it as well!

thanks xx

well done for having the conversation, sunshine - and wishing you a long & happy marriage smile

Thanks funnypeculiar smile

BigStickBIWI Fri 11-Jan-13 12:08:19

Phew! Good outcome, I think. Actually, it doesn't really matter what the specific outcome is, as long as you both agreed it and feel happy with it. Money is one of the most likely things to cause problems in a relationship, so it's good to get it sorted out now.

brainonastick Fri 11-Jan-13 12:29:18

Hooray, glad to hear you've had a good productive chat. Now you can get on with bridezilla training wink

notcitrus Fri 11-Jan-13 12:30:06

Sounds like a good plan. Might also be worth agreeing how much you are going to put into savings and what you both plan to save for, before you both spend the leftovers.

As most of my friends get to 40ish and the marriage and baby announcements give way to divorces and a few more babies, it looks like attitudes to money are way more important in relationships than sex or politics.

emma16 Sun 13-Jan-13 13:34:55

Married couples who have desperate accounts financially always sparks a worry with me. When u get married your becoming one, as such, and keeping money seperate
, to me, is a way of keeping some single independance?? Or that someones hiding something, not that I'm insinuating that your partner is obviously!! I'm a sahm & my husbands works full time, our & I say our because that's how we both see it, income goes into a current account & then a sum gets automatically transferred into another account which is where all our direct debits come out of over the month. What's left in the other account is 'our' pot of money for us as a family & is used for fuel,food,clothes,lifestyle etc. Neither of us questions the other when money is withdrawn or spent because neither of us wastes money & we trust each other.
Everyone's different but I would really question why my partner is reluctant to become one financially...although I'm glad you've sorted things at the minute, hope everything works out well for you both :-)

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