Mumsnet Talk

OP I've just re-read your posts and you only ever refer to the child directly once, as 'her child', not 'their child' or 'my DP's child'.

It does come across as being quite cold.

I think Wasp what others are warning is that karma is a bitch. If your man is decent and wants to support his child, then you should be glad. Because when you join the ex's side, he'll be support your child.

You don't sound like an evil witch. You just don't sound very 'for the sisterhood' do you?

How on earth do you come up with this? We all have finances to think about, it's a matter of numbers on a piece of paper. I'm not planning on giving her all our money then popping round for a 'sisterly' burning of bras!

OP, google it rather than ask on here. It's easily available info on the net somewhere.

It's harder to manage as a non-working SP if you have a mortgage rather than rent but I believe some mortgage interest is covered after some time but not capital.

As others have said he should pay 15% minimum or whatever is agreed upon between them. Fortunately they don't cut the amount of benefits she receives because of maintenance anymore. It isn't any of your business btw.

I think the OP is saying that her DP is paying over the 15% that he needs to be paying because the XW says she is suffering and the OP thinks this isn't the case.

a matter of numbers on a piece of paper!

how about food in the child's belly or clothes on her back? a warm house to sleep in and electric so she can get hot meals!

I'm quite shocked!

What boohoo said.

Genuinely if he's overpaying his ex's he's something special. You don't want to change him

I don't get the "she gets more than me/us after benefits" argument. She is paying for everything (or nearly everything) for the child. They are bleeding expensive you know, that is what the money is for!

And I use reuseable nappies, shop for clothes and toys in charity shops etc to make things stretch as far as possible. Nothing like my life when I didn't have a child to raise.

When I was a single mum and not working, I got nothing from the state towards my mortgage, just over £100 a week child tax credit, £35 a week income support, £23 a week council tax rebate, and £33 child benefit. (All rounded) Approx £205.61 per week.
Out of this I had to pay my mortgage, gas, electric, tv licence, phone, food etc etc. It's not a huge amount.

op hasn't said once that EX has said she is suffering!

I don't think you are a witch, but I think you are ignorant and thoughtless. Your DP's daughter will not suddenly need less just because you are on maternity leave.

Look at It like this, she gets what 20% of his income 80% will go on supporting you and yours

You're not giving 'her' anything - your ex is providing for his child. He LEGALLY has to do this.

What she gets doesn't change this. Her income support is for her. It's the bare minimum the government deems necessary for a LP to live on. That money isn't for the child, so ignore it.

What does the child get? Tax credit and child benefit. Look it up on the internet if you really want to know. (It's roughly £60-£70 a week if you can't be bothered.). If you really think this is enough to maintain a house, feed, clothe and stimulate a child, then more's the pity. When you have a baby, why not try and see how far £60 odds a week will stretch.

Go on CSA. Type in your partner's income and voila! It'll tell you how much he needs to pay.

15% for 1 child.

Miranda - that's true, although I don't know what she has told him tbh. It was more the friend with the rich ex that got me thinking.

Eventually she will have to sell the house but there's no need to do that just yet. It's not a great situation but there's no way to sugar-coat the pill, their marriage didn't work and now we have to figure out the way forward.

How on earth do you come up with this? We all have finances to think about, it's a matter of numbers on a piece of paper. I'm not planning on giving her all our money then popping round for a 'sisterly' burning of bras!

It doesn't change the fact your partner have a child to support. If you have a new baby, he'll then have two children to support. Children are very expensive. And should a decent man let his children with the ex live on the breadline, when the new ones go to music lessons, foreign holidays etc?

I was assuming he was overpaying, but couldn't imagine him overpaying by more than5%

apologies crystal

If I was on benefits plus maintenance, which is quite a bit as exp middle earner I would be on the bones of my arse and I don't have a mortgage. You only get hb if all income is less than 150 a week where I am and that includes tax credits etc. I work pt though so I'm not.
Perhaps your dp feels his dc are worth more than the minimum - good for him!
I imagine you want to say 'oi dp ex is getting £££ you should give her less' nice.

He pays 15% of his income and this is the minimum that the CSA recommend.

The OP has already said he's paying a lot more than the minimum.

OP, when I was on benefits a couple of years ago following redundancy I received the following benefits:
Housing Benefit (we were renting) that paid most, but not all of the rent.
Council Tax Benefit which covered all Council Tax charges.
Job Seeker's Allowance for me which was (I think) about £63 a week.
Child Tax Credits and Child Benefit for my two school-age DCs.
Child maintenance from my ex of £5 a week. Sometimes.

CTC can vary a lot depending on circumstances. I think we were getting about £90-odd a week in CTC. I'd hazard a rough guess at about £60 a week for one child but that could be way off. Child Benefit for one child is currently £20 a week.

All told we were getting something like £175 a week in "usable" benefits out of which I had to pay a proportion of the rent plus all the usual bills (minus council tax), food, clothing etc. Things were tight.

so basically you have been wound up by your friend telling you that LPs are rolling in it and now your partner's ex and child have to suffer for it?

I know he is a good one, he loves his daughter very much, this is a big reason why I want to have a child with him. (He's going to be over the moon when I tell him about all these compliments!)

Also, we will be able to provide a lot more than money for SD when the access arrangements are sorted out. She is being very controlling and refusing to let her come to our house let alone stay over.

There are lots of other options you can look into yourself ifyou are struggling financially op.

How much is your mortgage? You could call your provider or an independent adviser and ask about switching to a cheaper one. You could switch energy providers. What broadband/tv package are you on? Have you thought about switching to a cheaper one? If you drive, you could sell your car and buy a bike. How much do you spend on going out? How about on clothes and cosmetics etc? Is there any room to cut back on these areas? Do you smoke? Drink? Are there any ways you could make your home more energy efficient (eg cavity wall insulation)?

Of course, none of this is any of my business.....

And should a decent man let his children with the ex live on the breadline, when the new ones go to music lessons, foreign holidays etc?

And this does happen all too often... my ex pays the square root of fuck all for our DD, while his current wife and daughter have a very nice life indeed (which they 'publicise' on Facebook, so our DD's nose can be well and truly rubbed in it.

Also, we will be able to provide a lot more than money for SD when the access arrangements are sorted out. She is being very controlling and refusing to let her come to our house let alone stay over.

What do you mean by a 'lot more than money'? Why can't he provide that now?

FWIW - CSA say that if his daughter stays with him for more than 52 nights per year, he can legally pay less than the current 15%.

You really don't show much compassion for this child at all. But again, maybe i'm just over sensitive...?