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Lo's Dad trying to re-register my son(50 Posts)
I've posted on here before about my son's dad
a bit of the back story is I was 18 he told me he was 27 in reality he lied he was really 35 we slept together on a couple of occasions over the course of 3 months, he was constantly down the "working man's club" drinking and he lived with a couple of drug users/dealers. I found out I was pregnant and he begged me to get rid of it saying I was to young I have to go out and party. I refused which he didn't like, he became physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive, I wasn't allowed out unless I told him where, with whom and what times. He'd kick me out at 5:30/6am to walk 2 miles to my mums house in shorts and a vest top when it was freezing cold because I needed to learn to respect him.
Three weeks later I told him I wasn't speaking to him any more (we were never together) He told people I'd "trapped him" for his house, his money and his car. Forcing him to become a parent, I'd "left" him and was refusing to talk to him and he was completely in love with me I'd only spoken to him in 3 months. He would sit outside my mothers house all night and watch in my bedroom window, send me constant messages and get verbally abusive if I didn't do what he liked. He'd find information out on me then trying to blackmail me with it, he came to my 6 week scan and 12 week scan where he expected me to pay his parking and for his pictures (I said I didn't want him to go but he threatened to tell my mother what I was being like so I had to) he went to one midwife appointment where he gave the wrong address, the wrong phone number and lied about family medical history (I ended up having an emergency C-Section and we both nearly died)
he refused to leave me alone so 2/3 month later the police got involved and he was warned not to contact me till after my son was born and to stay away. He completely ignored this and tried telling me the police had told him I was lying and they knew it and he told I'll make you pay for all of this, cause remember I've got at least 18 years of this. I'm going to make your life hell.
I tried to sort contact for when LO was born but it didn't work he ended up trying to email me a solicitors letter that said "I had to tell him when LO was born I had no choice in the matter and I have to hand over LO to him 3 times a week for at least 3 hours a week and if I said no they'd get more through the courts. He would also pay what he saw fit as to child maintenance and I couldn't go to the CSA"
He even got his friend to corner me outside a shop and ask me 21 question on my son and me three days after my c-section (I was up and walking within hours and discharged myself the day after due to him saying he was coming to the hospital to take him) by the time I was back with my mum at her car he had emailed me with what I was wearing, who I was with, what he thought my son weighed, looked like etc.
He refused to sign a statuary declaration to be on the birth certificate so LO was registered without him.
He gave false information (phone number, address etc) to the mediator so I couldn't go to mediation and took me to court, he didn't pay maintenance for 5 months saying he wasn't LO's dad (he'd said this throughout my pregnancy)
The police got involved again due to him getting friends to follow me around and stalking my Facebook. He was given a warning to leave me alone again but once again he ignored it.
The court ordered a DNA test which proved he was LO's father and I made a claim to the CSA whom he argued with because he didn't want to pay the amount he was told to, he even tried demanding my bank details so he could pay what he wanted.
At court he was ordered to take a drug and drink test which he'll passed but contact wasn't started until this may he only had 5 contact sessions the first LO screamed and within 5 minutes he was back, LO's dad said I couldn't go in the room to comfort LO so my mum had to go, the second I went in and my LO didn't leave my side, didn't talk, didn't do anything but have every loud toy going so it wasn't quite (he plays quietly at home), the next time he was asleep and LO's dad 'watched' him for an hour, LO's dad pushed for un supervised and was granted a session to which LO lasted 2 minutes before they told me to take him home because he was so upset and the last was when my LO whimpered in fear whenever he came near him and did nothing but cry again. All the sessions had notes and LO would do nothing but cry to we were home and wouldn't let me out of his sight, he wasn't himself for 5 days post contact.
Lo's dad didn't care and was happy it was causing me such misery. The court did grant him PR but at the last hearing the he told the courts he wasn't going to be paying for any more contact, and I had to let him have LO two nights a week overnight and 3 days. The courts told him they were ordering no contact, he didn't care about LO's welfare and it wasn't fair on LO that he got so upset they can't force LO to like him and they weren't going to.
I was so happy, he told my barrister we had won It was always a game to him. As soon as I got home I had emails from him saying I had to do as he said, I had to let him see LO and if I didn't I'd have to tell LO that I stopped him for no reason. He was going to tell everyone I was lying and I needed to understand he was never going away no matter what I do. I changed the number on the phone he use to use so he couldn't contact me on it and replied to his emails that he didn't have my permission to email me any more and he was to leave me alone, no contact was ordered and he had no reason to contact me. He wouldn't take no as an answer and continues.
Thursday my mum receives a letter for me stating he has now applied to re-register my son and they're going to let him do it (he told me he was only doing it to get at me and to confirm he was never going away) the police advised me to get a non-molestation order out on him as the court order is indefinite so he can't go near my son I just need to cover myself and to speak to my solicitor to try and stop them from amending my sons birth certificate.
I don't know what to do they have put a hold on his registration for the moment till they hear from my solicitor and I won't be able to get hold of my solicitor until Monday (I spoke to a different one who said they'd get started on the non-molestation order right away as they'd warned him as well)
I've been told I can go to court and get it stopped but don't know how!?! If they can't stop it they've told me to order more birth certificates and keep them in a safe place so if ever LO needs one he'll have his original copy and he can use that one till the day he dies.
Lo's dad has made it perfectly clear he is only doing this to get at me, he's said he's going to cancel LO's passport, and apply for a new one at his address so I can't get it. He's going to make my life a living hell and he'll make sure he never goes on holiday with us again we go about 2 times a year. He's also threatened to take LO because he's on the Birth Certificate he's made it clear the police won't do anything and I'll never see him again. I asked for a residency order in court and he refused so it was never made.
I'm at a loss because the courts rushed into giving him PR and then no contact they've allowed him to do this and I'm worried for LO. I'm scared of what he's capable of and the police officer seemed scared as well.
bumping for you.
TBH I would move far far away and disappear of the radar.
Thank you RandomMess
I would love to but I have family and friends where I am now and they're a massive rock for me and LO.
He always finds information out on me, we went on holiday earlier this year and he emailed my solicitor with all the details and whom was going despite everyone blocking him on social networking sites and nobody talking to him etc. It's really worrying.
Well I have to say, his behaviour is very very worrying indeed.
How far is he going to go to not have to pay maintenance?
I don't mean to frighten you but he sounds dangerous and unhinged.
Personally I would get thee most damning evidence. Eg where he says he's taking lo and take it to the police. Get the non-molestation order and every time he breaks it get back onto the police.
Have absolutely no contact with him. Delete fb - not just private. Too many people haven't their security as high. If you want to look at something you can use someone elses. Don't respond to the emails at all.
The CSA made him pay for LO and he thinks he has the upper hand as he pays be DD and pays on time so he must be
He's even tried telling me he was going to stop, and I need to watch myself cause when they change over to the new system he'll have my details then but the CSA confirmed that I can keep it with them they'll just get more from him and I'll pay the minimum out of the CSA for collection. and he can't stop and close the CSA case only I can. He's already taken less hours to reduce his pay by £20 a month (not a lot I know) but he's informed me he's prepared to move his girlfriend in (she use to sit outside his house and cry because he wouldn't date her) and get her pregnant so he'd pay less and that I also need to remember if I get them to collect the payments he'll loose his house and go bankrupt and he'll pay nothing
He was prescribed anti-depressants but use to build them up and keep them in a draw and never take them
My security on FB is very high and so are my family's you can only see our profile and cover pics which aren't of my LO.
He's hacked my email plenty of times despite me changing address's and deletes his emails so now when he say's he's going to take LO he'll say it over the phone so their is no evidence then send me emails saying "I'd never take LO he needs his mother and his father" so I have no written proof.
The trouble is he's unhinged, manipulative and clever when it comes to him playing these games with me the only time he has ever failed is at court
Sounds like he may have key logger installed - otherswise how he is he hacking in?
How old is your Lo?
Can you move house? Buy a new PC or laptop, change all your passwords, change your surname and your son's (you can just start using new names, it's very easy).
Just go off the grid.
What's a Key Logger? I don't know I only found out about it cause I had to shut down an email address because he'd send me emails constantly and when we went to court he submitted
evidence of emails that I hadn't sent saying I was moving to Australia with a man, set some auto-reply to himself, changed his name to C**t on the emails to make it look like I'd be malicious and set up a fake email account for my "dad" (whom I don't speak to) threatening him.
I'm at my wits end with him it's like he lets me get to the fact I think he's gone away and listened to the police then he'll do something as a constant reminder to reiterate he's never going away
Reality my Lo is 18 months he has my surname
I've moved from my mums into somewhere that the courts kept confidential and I have only told my family and my best friend so I think he doesn't know where we live.
I think I'll have to buy a new PC and change all my passwords
Thank you everyone
Key logger is software that installed and then hidden on your pc/laptop that tracks everything you are doing so he would know all your new passwords and email addresses.
You could probably pay to get someone to sweep your PC or download something to find it - I am not a techie though. Ask under "geeky sutff"
Thanks RandomMess I'll look into the Key Logger software
What a shocking situation to be in. The man sounds highly dangerous.
Would it be worth just stopping the CSA payments to be rid of any contact with him?
It sounds terrifying OP
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
thenightsky I've thought about it a lot and I was fine financially till I moved I just so happened to get our new home when the first payment has been made, now if I stopped it I think I'd scrape buy barely but If I didn't play it carefully I wouldn't be able to afford it
SchmaltzingMatilda I had my laptop when I was with him, I've changed phone numbers about 9 times and phones twice and I don't give my number out any more. Can I block his email address before I get the non-molestation order? It's the only one I know he has as the courts asked me to give it to him I've changed the phone number the court asked me to give him which was a separate phone all together and have since got rid of the phone.
The woman I'm 50% sure is "fuelling his fire" I've spoken to her once where she informed me LO would be her step-child and she is his mum when he's with them both. She use to come to the court with him (when he found out I had a partner he then turned round and said "it was now between us and she wasn't going to come this was the last two times) the first time he brought her, his mum, dad, sister, friends and two people waiting outside for him. She started shouting and ranting that I had started delaying tactics, his parents started with the man who calls you in stating they had a right to be in the room as he was there son and that means LO is there's too?!?! In the end the man told them to shut up and put up or leave, they even tried waiting for me outside the court to start on my mum and me and his parents tried to follow me home (they lived in the complete opposite direction)
I wish I knew how f**ked up his family were before I spoke to him
Can I be blunt?
You seem to be far too invested in him. I understand that, I have been through similar. But you need to get him out of your headspace.
You really seriously need to disengage.
I wouldn't cancel the CSA. That is for your son.
But you can block his email address and numbers, you don't have to have ANYTHING to do with him.
I meant change your surnames to something different so he can't find you, by the way.
Come off FB, change your laptop or have it professionally cleaned, create a new email address and delete the old ones.
I've been there, with harrassment from my ex and his fucked up wife, and been through the courts and got a no contact order. I do sympathise. I used to drive myself mental by keeping tabs on them online, it was to protect myself but it was counterproductive. Just delete him from your brain.
Of course you can. I know what you mean, If I don't hear from him I get all panicky because I know he's doing something and by the time it's been a week or two and I'm feeling at ease he strikes. That's what happened here I hadn't heard from him for a couple of days then I get this letter and it kicks up again.
I think I'm going to get a new laptop, I've blocked everything else but his email which I'll do.
I'll defiantly look into changing his name as I have the no contact order I don't need his permission
Thank you Reality
Best of luck, sweetheart. You will be fine.
I agree with reality, you seem to spend too much time engaging with him, ignore his txt messages, calls, emails etc. don't even read them. you could mark his email address as spam so it goes straight in the bin.
get rid of FB for a start - its utter shite and someone on it will always see what you write no matter what you think of your security settings - its the internet - nothing is private on it. As for passwords - make your passwords really difficult to break, use upper case, lowercase and number in your password i.e. not real words a real word. use something like a name of a person/object/tv program/place you have visited and the DOB of your dog/budgie/auntie/queen and really mix it up they cant be broken easily - as an example of a password could be B7uc31$AD1kE - reads like bruce is a dick
keep two different email accounts, 1 for you to use with your friends/family and one for everyone else - if it gets back to him its because one of your friends or family has given it to him, its not because he has worked it out. you don't need to read his emails though even if you have given him an address. I would very much doubt he has put a keylogger on your computer - you need to figure out who is feeding him all the info - the way you do it is telling people different things and if the info gets back to you you will know who has given it to him - be prepared to be surprised though, you will probably find its someone quite close to you.
its easy to know if he has an account and is posting stuff to himself or indeed getting someone else to post it to him - all the headers on emails point to the IP address these emails come from. if he presents them your solicitor should be able to prove you didn't send them as they are not from your IP address, if the police wanted to they can get a house address for the IP address they were sent from as ISPs must give this up but it needs to come from court order.
you don't need a new laptop, just wipe that one clean, normally most laptops come with a recovery option on them and you can reinstall the software quite quickly, you might need to press the F8 key as the laptop starts up to get this option - this process will format the drive and it will be like a new machine.
Some of the more modern email systems, like Gmail, have something called two step verification, which makes it much more difficult to hack into, as you have to authorise any new device which is used to access the email. So for example, if I log into my Gmail account from my work laptop, Google will ask me to authorise the machine (in addition to knowing the password for the account of course) either by sending a code by text to my phone number (which I have set up in advance) or using the Google Authenticator application on my phone to generate a code.
You can use something like Keeper to generate extremely strong passwords for you.
I don't think he knows where you live or he would be more threatening about your location. I would agree about Facebook - you need to be hyper-vigilant to keep things private. But equally I'm sure it's a lifeline for you to stay in touch with people.
Oh my goodness, what a scary fuckwit. I think you need some serious legal advice on this. Your poor little DS is stuck in the middle of and deserves some clarity. Plus you certainly deserve to be free of this madman. He sounds deranged. I think maybe you need some really specialist domestic violence advice- does your local police station have one?
That's a good idea thank you I'll defiantly look into that. I'll wipe this one clean and maybe get a new one somewhere down the line as a "treat"
I haven't got gmail, but maybe I'll look into getting this. Unfortunately Facebook is one of my lifelines, however I'm looking deeply into changing our last names so if I do maybe I'll look at having that one shut down and having a new one with the new names as a strictly family one. I'll look into Keeper
duchesse He's not all there as far as I'm concerned the police said if he had it his way he would of gone round there and arrested him the first time but unfortunately he couldn't. I feel for my DS I really do, he wasn't comfortable and he knew something was wrong and it's horrible his 'dad' is the way he is. I'm not sure but I will check
Thank you all
If possible I would keep your original Facebook open, but just ignore it, to stop them searching for a new one. Don't post photos etc. if you can help it.
That's what I was thinking.. Delete all photo's of LO off of it and then maybe post something irrelevant once a day?
There's not a chance he knows your MN name is there?
I don't know. I hope & pray not!
If this chap does have something like keylogger installed he may well be aware of your MN usage.
I've just found out I haven't got my LO's full birth certificate only the free one. Can I still get another one before his dad has it changed?? They've put a hold on his application so he's not got it yet. If I ring up Monday will they give me a copy as it stands now? I'm looking to change our names ASAP!!
Do I need the full one for renewing his passport? Or just his short one atm only I am on it!
If it's just his short one I'm okay!
Yes you should be able to get a copy still. Go monday and get it.
How can his father get it changed if his name isn't even on it?
The court stupidly gave him PR and now he can legally re-register any farther with PR who isn't on the certificate can do it
But I'm hoping I can still get a copy with just my name on as at the moment the application is on hold
Might be an ideas to let the passport office know not to let him apply for a passport for your ds.
titchy I have LO's passport with me so, I'll make sure he can't cancel it and get a new one
Hi there JustMe, no legal advice but wanted to say you sound as though you are coping brilliantly and your lo is very lucky to have you as a mum.Just hope and pray he will get bored of this soon.I would seriously considermoving a good distance away from this nutter,I understand you are close to family and friends but I think building a life for you and your lo somewhere else may be better in the long run.Can you get pr taken off him?Surely if a courts ruled no contact it would be easy to do?
Thank you Haveyouselfashandy It means a lot!
Having re-read the letter it says "If you do not respond with in 28 days we will forward the autorisation to re-register the birth of your child to *** registry office"
So am I right to believe as of yet the Registry has no idea about the Re-Registration as of yet? I've responded to the letter and they've put his application on hold anyway. I'm ringing at 9am to get a priority copy of his full birth certificate and I'll pick it up tomorrow.
I'm praying it's still just my details!!
Hi I wish u luck with disengaging from this man, sounds like your and your son's lives will be happier without him ! Just posting to add to all the good advice u been given here. I believe it's poss for estranged parent to claim passport lost and apply for new one, hence cancelling yours? I think you can put a note on record at passport office to prevent that. Hopefully someone can say whether this true. Are u in touch with women's aid at all? They do very good post - domestic abuse support. Good luck!
Thank you, I'll ring them and mention it to them that he has no contact and he's threatened to kidnap LO so not let him cancel his passport.
No I haven't been, but I will
Yes you can definitely prevent him from cancelling the existing passport without you been informed...get in touch with the passport office ASAP! That I do know.Just keep on fighting and make a fantastic life for the two of you x x
from everything you have said I believe he has some kind of spyware on your laptop. Get it wiped and start again.
I got LO's full copy!! He still isn't on it!!
Name change will be ASAP
I have no legal advice but please take you laptop to a PC shop and get them to check it out, if he has keylogging software on there you can get it removed and he won't see anything again. It'll be a good fix until you can get a new PC. That and make passwords ridiculous and nonsensical, write them on a piece of paper and put them in a safe if need be.
A non molestation order sounds a good idea - then you would need to report it to the police any time he breached it.
Alternatively, if he is still emailing you when you've made it clear you do not want him to, and he has no contact with your LO so there is no justification for him contacting you, I would have thought you could report him to the police for harrassment aslong as you're not engaging in correspondence with him.
I think you need to refuse to engage with him in any way - no no replies to any calls, texts or emails that get through to you. He should only contact you through a solicitor, and report him as necessary.
My ds's biological father took me to court for DNA tests which came back within a few weeks confirming what I already knew.
A few weeks later I got a letter from the registrar general informing me that I would have to re-register my sons birth with his fathers name on the new certificate within 28 days or they would write to him and ask him to do it and if he didn't re-register they would automatically re-register his birth and any birth certificates I had at home would be invalid.
I live in N. Ireland so it might be different for you but check just incase they automatically change your LO's certificate before you get a chance to get all this sorted.
Thanks Louisey When speaking to him they said I can use LO's originals but if they got lost then i'd have to use those with his name on. I got two and have been told he can't cancel or re-apply for a passport without my consent so he has no chance.
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