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my world has fallen apart

(261 Posts)
Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:15:56

I had to call the police last night and report my dad as my daughter told her aunty that he has been abusing her, i just feel so lost right now and don't know what to do, think, feel or say.

NotInMyDay Wed 08-May-13 19:19:49

Oh good Lord I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Good for you for not turning a blind eye. Here to hold your hand.

Have you had contact with your dad?

oopsadaisymaisy Wed 08-May-13 19:20:45

What a truly horrendous thing to have to deal with. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm afraid I don't have a legal background so can't offer any advice. I'm sure someone will come along soon with some valuable support. I hope you have real life folk available to get you through this awful time.

ParsingFancy Wed 08-May-13 19:21:04

Oh dear lord. I'm so sorry, Emz8369.

Holding your hand.

Nat38 Wed 08-May-13 19:21:58

Oh My God!!shock I should imagine what you are feeling is pretty normalhmm
I have no advice for you, I couldn`t read & runsad
I`m sure some one will be along to offer some good advice.
Just want to give you & your DD a huge hug.

nilbyname Wed 08-May-13 19:24:37

Oh fuck.

First of all you have DONE THE RIGHT THING. Your DD told someone, and you acted upon that information. It took courage and you did it. flowers

Now you will be in all sorts of emotional states...if I were in your shoes I would be inclined to tell the HT of your DDs school and see if they can put you in touch with a SWorker for help and support. You will have all sorts of questions and they will be able to help you. The HT will be the named child protection person in the school and will treat your disclosure with the utmost trust and confidentiality.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

Messandmayhem Wed 08-May-13 19:41:53

No advice but I'm holding your hand too.

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:49:25

No i havent been in touch with him since i found out and never want to talk to him again

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:51:38

maisy thanks and yeah i have my sister here with me

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:52:41

Thanks ParsingFancy

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:53:39

Thanks Nat38

Jesus fucking christ.

Biggest respect ever for believing your dd and calling police.

All the best, lots of love to you all.

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:55:59

nilbyname the school know and have said if ever she needs time out she just needs to say, the police have said she will probably have a social worker

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:56:57

Thanks, Messandmayhem

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:58:28

Thanks, Messandmayhem

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 19:59:20

Thanks monkeyfacegrace not believing her wasnt an option tbh

ParsingFancy Wed 08-May-13 20:01:22

So glad you have your sister with you.

Sadly, lots of people on MN have been through one part or the other of similar situations. I hope you'll find lots of support and strength here. Do keep posting, if it helps.

(Btw, you may also find more support in Relationships rather than Legal Matters. Some people don't read all the different sections.)

CoffeePleaseSir Wed 08-May-13 20:02:22

Hand holding hmm
Well done op for reporting it, I can't imagine the emotions you must be feeling x

nilbyname Wed 08-May-13 20:08:11

Is your mum in the picture at all? How about dds father?

Your sister and you must be in pieces. Just horrible.

AdoraBell Wed 08-May-13 20:09:12

Hand holding from here too. And well done for acting as you did, some people deny it to themselves and so refuse to beleive what they are hearing, because it's beyond horrendous.

The police will be able to help you. And remember, whatever anyone might say in RL, your DD has done nothing wrong and neither have you. Neither one of you has got your father into trouble, he did that himself.

Be strong and take care of you and DD <hugs>

Branleuse Wed 08-May-13 20:15:19

big love to you and your dd xx

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 20:26:31

Thanks CoffeePleaseSir

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 20:28:27

Yeah nilbyname my mum is in the my dds dad however hasnt seen her since she was 4 weeks old and she is now 10

cjel Wed 08-May-13 20:29:08

this is a nightmare for you . i hope you get all love and support you needxxx

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 20:29:27

Thanks AdoraBell

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 20:30:41

Thanks *Branleuse

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 20:31:33

Yeah it is cjel Thanks

nilbyname Wed 08-May-13 20:34:34

Absolute turmoil for you all.

Keep talking.

everlong Wed 08-May-13 20:35:18

I'm so sorry. You were so brave to phone the police. It was the right decision.

We are here for you.

inneedofrain Wed 08-May-13 20:46:27

I don´t have any advice, but just wanted to say you did 1000% the right thing and I am very sorry you are having to go through.

The police will be very sympathetic, and sadly will be experienced in dealing this. Hopefully they will be able to point you in the direction of help and support both for your DD and for you.

So sorry you and your DD are going through this

Hugs from a total stranger on the internet arnt worth much but I would like to give you and your DD one anyway.

Stay strong you are a great mum

Emz8369 Wed 08-May-13 22:06:47

Omg thanks everyone i know you are all strangers but your kind words help a lot

everlong Wed 08-May-13 22:13:29

Mumsnet is a place to call on in times like this OP. People will listen, offer support and just hold your hand. flowers

CheeryCherry Wed 08-May-13 22:31:55

So glad you have your sister. So sorry for you but how brave was your daughter? Well done to her for speaking out. Hope you all get the support you need and

StoicButStressed Wed 08-May-13 22:39:15

You have done both the right and an extraordinary difficult thing to do. I genuinely cannot comprehend people who do NOT listen to their child - put bluntly, children do not know the language of abuse - but that does not mean it cannot have taken an immense amount of courage to do what you have done.

And what you have done IS RIGHT. As is your brave daughter to whom I send the hugest of love and hugs. Whilst this is all just shit, her not telling or you not reporting would have ended in a situation a million times worse (other threads will confirmsad that simple fact). You are amazing.

Hand holdingthanks

Goldchilled7up Wed 08-May-13 22:39:17

What a horrible situation. Well done for supporting your daughter. Does you mother know?

byah Wed 08-May-13 23:17:06

Hi Emz8369.. A nightmare for you I am sure, but you and dd's aunty have done so well to believe your dd and have the courage to go to the police. It is easier in some ways not to "tell" and stay quiet and just make sure your dd is all right ..... but so many people do that and the abuse continues maybe with other children in that way .... SO spend a little time telling yourself how good and brave you have been and all the time knowing you nor dd have done anything wrong .. The police CP team are so well trained they will give you loads of really good help and advice I am sure . Big hig.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 00:19:37

Yes my mother knows

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 00:38:57

I'm 5 hours behind you, so if you need To have a chat/rant and it's late I'll be here. Will check in again after my DDs are settled.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 07:23:40

Thanks again AdoraBell, i hate my life right now, i can't stop crying and can't sleep i also feel sick 24/7 and cant eat, right now i just feel like ending it all but i know i cant do that because quite frankly my daughter has enough on her plate without me being a selfish bitch and leaving her behind to deal with it all. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 11:58:16

Well the slimy bastard has text my sister this morning asking if she is ok, he also said he is using an old phone as the police took his, he then text me sister asking if i was ok?

cjel Thu 09-May-13 12:14:22

What an idiot. do you feel up to tellingpolice he has another phone? I hope they feel strong enough not to get into conversations with him.

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 12:15:43

You are possibly in shock, everything you are feeling is normal. And of course you are right about DD having too much on her plate already To deal with losing you. But I would hazard a guess that is anger you are feeling, and quite justified anger. Re the slimy bastard asking your sister if she and you are okay, that's creating distance and make people think - oh look, he's concerned about his family, obviously not a monster then- but that won't wash, will it? Do you know how your sister responded.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 12:39:09

Yeah cjel am gonna tell them and my sister didnt reply to his messages

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 12:42:45

Hey AdoraBell i am so proud of my daughter right now leaving her aint an option, she called me from the school earlier to let me know how her day is going and ask me if i am ok, my sister didnt respond to his messages

cjel Thu 09-May-13 12:54:00

you are doing so amazing. lean on anyone who offers!! Your dd may be feeling that she has now caused your family distress so thats why she wants to check you are ok. glad they will have no contact with him. How you doing today?

nilbyname Thu 09-May-13 12:55:51

Oh god, what a terrible thing for him to do. At least you can report that number and block it.

He is an awful man who did the most terrible things.

Stay strong. YOur DD sounds lovely xx

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 13:33:15

Hey cjel i was good until he got in touch

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 13:34:06

Yeah nilbyname she is

Isabeller Thu 09-May-13 13:36:51

Another {{hug}} from a stranger x

cjel Thu 09-May-13 13:36:54

oh dear. i suppose it jolts you back to the reality of it doesn't it. At least if he gets no response he should stop trying. can you do any thing as a distraction for a bit? crappy tv? seeing a mate?xx

LemonBreeland Thu 09-May-13 13:40:43

What a truly awful situation for you and your DD. I hope you get plenty of support with counselling etc. to help you through this.

harryhausen Thu 09-May-13 13:45:55

Bloody hell Emz. I have no experience of anything like this, but my stomach lurched for you reading your OP as I have a dd too.

It's not much, but I just wanted to offer my love and support to you both, and your sister who sounds amazing too.

You absolutely done all the rights things. Your dd will forever feel safe with you. Xxx

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 13:46:54

cjel my sister is still with me, we have been to see a friend out in town but got a taxi straight home as he text my sister saying he was in town if anyone wanted to see him and that he would understand if we didnt and then taxt again saying he hadnt denied it

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 13:49:36

Thanks LemonBreeland

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 13:51:36

Thanks harryhausen

THERhubarb Thu 09-May-13 13:58:41

Emz8369 can I suggest that your sister blocks his messages? By reading them out to you she is inadvertently prolonging your torment. What good is it doing by reading his texts? If she won't block him then maybe ask her not to show you anymore of his texts. It's a way of controlling the situation, by reminding you all that he's still around and still there. In order to move on you need to sever that control.

Has your dd received any counselling yet? I would push for that and I think you probably need some too. You need to be able to move forward from this and in that way counselling for both you and your dd will help lots.

Your dd is being really brave and really strong; ringing you to make sure you are ok is just an incredibly sensitive and mature thing for her to do! You and her obviously have a strong bond and she felt safe in the knowledge that she could tell you anything and rely on your support 100%. You are obviously a brilliant mum.

Maybe the school will let you take your dd out of school so that the pair of you can have a long weekend away as a special treat? Just you and her so that you can both start to heal and support each other.

You have a long journey ahead of you but with some counselling and some support there is no reason why you and your dd can't come out of this stronger people, with a stronger bond between you both.

Wishing you lots of strength and comfort x

cjel Thu 09-May-13 14:03:39

hes staggering isn't he. is that supposed to be a good thing that he didn't call your dd a liar as well. Glad you've got your sisters support. I know what its like to be forced to not go out for fear of bumping into someone.
I know its early days but try not to let him stop you going where you want. He should be hiding not you.xx

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 14:32:22

That is unbelievable, being out and about in case anyone wants to meet up. And does he want a brownie point for not denying his actions? agree you might need to ask your sister not to tell you what he's texting if she doesn't block him.

<hugs for you and DD>

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 14:32:59

That is unbelievable, being out and about in case anyone wants to meet up. And does he want a brownie point for not denying his actions? agree you might need to ask your sister not to tell you what he's texting if she doesn't block him.

<hugs for you and DD>

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 14:33:47

Sorry, not sure how that ^^ happened.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 14:46:21

Hi THERhubarb we have told the police and they have rang him and told him we want no contact with him, him sending the messages just prove to us the sort of person he really is, my daughter hasnt received any counselling yet but i am going to chase that up.

My daughter is really mature for her age and i am so proud of how well she is coping with this however i am aware this may be the calm before the storm so to speak, unfortunately i wont be able to afford a weekend away and have to stay home this weeekend as we are expecting a visit from the community nurse for a check up as she had an operation last week.

Thankyou x

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 14:48:54

Yeah cjel he is i really dont know what he expects tbh im trying but my sister was with me at the time and was really upset by it so we just got a taxi home

nilbyname Thu 09-May-13 14:57:31

Have you been allocated a SWorker yet? Please push for this. As resources are really stretched it is probably a csse you of pushing and asking for things.

More hugs.

THERhubarb Thu 09-May-13 14:59:26

Show the messages to the police as they could be seen as intimidation on his part.

Have a look at Travelodge deals for cheap hotel breaks, it doesn't have to be this weekend but any weekend. Just to give yourselves something to look forward to.

Do chase up the counselling, it's really important.

cjel Thu 09-May-13 15:27:39

I wasn't critisicing you for going home - just saying that you are the innocent party and I find it hard going out incase I bump into someone and I'd hate your world to close down because of

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 15:56:10

Yeah i know cjel im sorry if my reply came across the wrong way

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:03:16

THERhubarb i have shown the messages to the police and they have said they cant be classed as intimidation but did call mydad and tell him that we do not want any more contact with him and that if he continues to do so he can be done for harrassment

THERhubarb Thu 09-May-13 16:07:23

Well done Emz! Glad to see that you are being so proactive on this. Your daughter will benefit enormously from having such a strong mother on her side and your dad will hopefully realise that you are all acting as one in condemning his actions and refusing to allow him a way back in.

I don't know if it's any help but if you and your dd do need a break at any time, just PM me as we are often away visiting family at the weekend and appreciate house sitters to look after dd's hamster and our 2 clucky hens. If we're not too far away, you are welcome to stay at ours for a short break?

EldritchCleavage Thu 09-May-13 16:22:47

You've already done a great thing for your daughter by believing her and reporting the abuser to keep her safe. That is going to stand her in such good stead in the months and years to come, believe me.

It is utterly horrible, but please have faith that your daughter will be ok, will flourish and have a good life. I have, even though unlike her I never found the words to tell anyone so didn't get help until adulthood.

Xenia Thu 09-May-13 16:32:16

How dreadful.
Has your daughter said what he did to her and over what period and what age?
Did he abuse you or your siblings when you were younger?

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:34:58

Aw thanks THERhubarb we are in county durham

THERhubarb Thu 09-May-13 16:35:47

Ah, not quite near us in the South West then but the offer is still there nevertheless.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:38:04

Hi xenia, yeah my daughter has disclosedwhat he has done to her and she said it started when she was 6, yes they did i know he did me and one of my younger sisters but dont know know about the other one

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:38:36

Aw thanks THERhubarb

cjel Thu 09-May-13 16:39:41

Xenia . why is that relevant?
Emz - It didn't come across that way, just wanted to clarify what I meant to make sure I didn't add to your stress!!smilexx

NotAQueef Thu 09-May-13 16:51:27

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I now see why not believing your daughter wasn't an option - as you have been through this yourself sad for you

You have done the right thing for your Daugher in phoning the police

Be prepared for a potential flaming from some posters over why your father was allowed to contact your DD given his previous record of abuse

Hope your DD gets the support she needs to get through this. She was very brave to speak up.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:51:46

No it didnt cjel the police and a social worker have just been to talk to my 6 year old daughter and 6 year old nephew and have said they have no concerns that he has ever done anything to them

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 16:56:37

Oh im prpared NotAQueef, it happened to me when i was 5 and i have been told that the furthest it went as to prosecuting him was cps and after it didnt go any further social services pushed my mam to go back to my dad as back then they thought it was better for kids to have two parents rather than one

AdoraBell Thu 09-May-13 20:53:23

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through as a young child. I know what you mean about older attitudes towards these things, thank God people have realised how wrong those attitudes where.

I would extend the same offer as the pp re a weekend house sit but I'm halfway round the globe.

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 21:45:23

Thanks AdoraBell i now have another problem on my hands she doesnt want togo to school tomorrow as she said she doesnt feel safe, im worried that sending her might be too much but im also worried that keeping her off might make her think she can only cope at home and then she wont want to go back on monday

StoicButStressed Thu 09-May-13 21:54:09

Emz I too would extend that offer for weekend (or however long actually) away but I am in SE England so nowhere near Durham.

Cjel I think (tho accept could be wrong) Xenia's questions were likely basically 'forensically lawyer' based (for want of a better phrase). It may be that prior abuse - even if ignored at timeangry - will help secure both these children's safety as well as justice being able to occur. Xenia - please correct me if mistaken?

I just send you the hugest hugs Emz - you are dealing with a situation way beyond most people's comprehensionthanks

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 21:56:24

Thankyou StoicButStressed

AdoraBell Fri 10-May-13 01:04:08

Tell the school that she feels unsafe and try not to push her too much to go to school. I know she needs to but right now all of this raw. She will be able to move on in time but she's probably scared of every man she sees. Please do push for counseling for both of you, kick up as fuss with whoever is handling this at the school or ask your GP for help.

clairecooper Fri 10-May-13 07:14:12

I've been through a similar situation (but it was my step daughters step father). As a mother you will find strength that you never knew you had before, but seek as much help as you can. You've got a long, tough journey ahead of you but I promise that you will come out of this ok. I really hope you and your DD get the support you need.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 07:16:29

AdoraBell im going to go in today and speak to her teacher and explain how sheis feeling

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 07:26:24

Thanks clairecooper

StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 07:51:19

Emz I think you are doing the right thing in trying to support her into school today as you are right in that school refusal (& with that losing her structure, her friends/playing etc) could exacerbate by her NOT going in. Would though caution you as Adora did above vis trying not to 'push' her in, but ache for you & her and am so angry on your behalf that you are now in this rock/hard place situation.

I would also (but appreciate these are very personal choices) start by asking for an urgent meeting with the Head. I don't want to go into the reasons here, but do know the value of that in terms of both ensuring the school is wholly aware of how your daughter is feeling and what she has been through as all schools do have clear policies to help children in that situation, and also to simaltaneously ensure she has the privacy she needs as the Head will ensure the teacher is ACUTELY aware of all aspects of policy/safe-guarding your daughter pastorally. It may also be that the head will discuss with you who your daughter sees best at school as the person she 'trusts', and that your daughter then has clear simple knowledge that if she feels unsafe, or needs to talk to someone, than that is her 'go-to' person if those feeling arise (& knows that person will 'be there' for her')

Sorry, I'm not sure if I've written the above very well as writing in haste as have to leave for school shortly but wanted to quickly get this to you before school (for obvious reasons) but I hope it's ok/makes sensethanks

(((hugs to both of you)))

cjel Fri 10-May-13 08:28:08

Hello stoic - good to see you again! I've lost BJs thread. My querying of xenia was that I thought it was intrusive question that we didn't need to know?
Morning OP how are you today? did dd go to school?

StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 08:59:45

Hey Cjel - I figured that was why you were querying it but whilst aware Xenia's posts can sometimes be a bit clipped, my genuine belief is that IS down to the fact she is a lawyer and re her post here, I simply cannot imagine she was asking for no reason (hence wanting OP to know that, as can imagine they might not have been questions she wanted to see either but am pretty sure Xenia would only have been asking them for the best of intentions) Will pm you BJ link x

Emz Still thinking of all of you and hope today goes as well as it can for you all regardless of what choices made re DD school/no schoolthanks

Xenia Fri 10-May-13 09:12:04

I'm very sympathetic. The fact he did it to the mother and now has done it to her daughter is sadly very very common. I suppose all us need in future to ensure that anyone who has abused us in the past is never let near our children again or not when that person would otherwise be alone with that person. Did Emz think her father had given up his inclination for little girls so was happy to let him be around her daughter?

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 09:21:53

Hi AdoraBell and StoicButStressed i have spoke to the school and explained the situation this morning and they allowed her the day off, but we did explain that she really does need to be back in school on monday for her tests

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 09:24:33

Morning cjel im feeling a little better today as i managed to eat someting yesterday and have a little sleep, daughter didnt go to school today, the school have ok'ed it and said she needs alittle time out

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 09:26:45

Yeah xenia sadly i thought he had changed

nilbyname Fri 10-May-13 09:55:48

Sadly emz you have been the victim of a very clever, manipulative abuser, who not only abused you and your sister but somehow escaped proper prosecution at the time and further colluded with your mum.

This is not your fault.

How's your DD today?

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 09:59:04

Hi nilbyname forgive me for being dense but what do you mean by colluded with my mum?

My daughter isnt doing too good today as i think the shock is starting to sink in so have kept her off school

nilbyname Fri 10-May-13 10:06:31

So sorry deluded your mum! Not colluded, bloody hell I always get those words muddled up.

Have a DVD duvet day.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 10:19:33

It's ok nilbyname i am taking her to see her grandma

THERhubarb Fri 10-May-13 10:56:32

Emz, please keep pushing for counselling as it's vital that she is seen asap. Encourage her to talk and be there for her. It might help if she knew that you had been through the same thing. Talk to her about what happened to you and why you felt he had changed. She needs to know that it was nothing she did, that it was all him. She also needs to know that you will never allow him near her again and that although he is quite obviously a paedo, not all men are like that. Make sure that she has some trusted male contacts such as an uncle that she can spend some time being around so that she can slowly learn to trust again.

She might ask lots of awkward questions such as why she was left alone with him, etc and you need to answer these as honestly as you can, even acknowledging that mistakes were made. Don't think she is too young to understand your feelings or the complex emotions involved, she's been forced to mature in the most horrendous way so please don't hold anything back from her now.

You must be living a nightmare and I'm sure you have a whole heap of guilt yourself, but these people are so good at manipulating us. You may have thought he was only interested in abusing you, or that you were somehow to blame and you also need counselling to deal with that. Remember that he and only he is responsible for his actions. He would have devised circumstances that led to him being alone with your daughter, he would have used threats, he would have abused his position of power and he would have used emotional blackmail, such is the pervertedness of these people and the hold he obviously had over you all.

I hope your mother is standing by you all and has thrown him out.

Your dd needs to know that your family is standing by her and that none of you blame her at all. Keep things normal for her, establish a routine as that will allow her to claw back a little control if she knows exactly what is going to happen every single day.

The school will have a parent liaison officer so ask to speak to them and every child is entitled to around 6 hours of counselling support provided by the school. It's a start so ask about that too, it might fill in the gap before she can be counselled by a specialist.

You need to be phoning social services every day asking what support can be put in place for both your dd and you. You need to ask the Police to talk to your dd and explain what happens from here and to reassure her that he will never be allowed near her again. She needs to know that she is safe in school.

Does she have a best friend that you can invite round? Do that if you can as she might feel better talking to someone her own age and just larking about. Above all, hold her tight, tell her that you love her and that you'll always be there for her. Do that every single day.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 11:16:33

THERhubarb i am pushing for her to see a counsellor i asked to police woman and social worker yesterday and asked the school today, she knows about what happened to both me and my sister and she also know that i will never let him anywhere near her. She hasn't asked any questions yet but if she does i will answer them to the best of my ability.

My mother is standing by us all, she left my dad about 15 years ago.

We already have a routine in place so no day should be different for her apart from today as she has a day off school

Thanks for the info about the liasion officer i will definitely be asking the school about that.

I will be going into the school this afternoon with my daughter to disclose exactly what has happened and who has done it as my daughter has asked me to do this so the school know he is not allowed near her.

Yeah she has a best friend she stayed at her house on tuesday as my dad had been bailed and i was worried he might come to the house,

cjel Fri 10-May-13 12:41:55

Still doing brilliantly emz, glad you got food - my stomach always goes when i have stress and its true you can't manage so well if you don't eat. Hope you have a lovely time at grandmas, she is so brave wanting everyone to know so they can help, you must be a great mum that she can do all this. agree if shes not thinking straight then forcing school today wouldn't be helpful, she probably wants to control what happens to her at the moment. thinking of you all as you go to school later.xx

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 13:25:43

Im not doing brilliant right now cjel i have left daughter at grandmas to have a sleepover tonight and my sister is having my younger daughter so i can have time to myself, i am back to where i started atm can't stop crying again

cjel Fri 10-May-13 13:35:04

oh bless you, it must bring up so much stuff for you. Are you ok on your own or would you rather someone with you. Have a good cry for all the things you've lost and then try and think he has enough of your life and can you choose not to let him have any more? I don't know if you have a counsellor? do you have anyone you can offload to?

StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 13:40:11

Jesus. Emz - if you ever want to either chat via PM or actually talk, please PLEASE feel free to PM me your number ok? And I'm pretty certain most of the other MN'ers here would say the same so just PM ANYONE you feel may be able to help you ok?

NAPAC is an organisation for adult survivors of childhood abuse, maybe you might feel up to googling them?


StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 13:41:58

NAPAC -0800 085 3330

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 13:45:58

I dont know cjel i have to try though, im sick of crying tbh thats all i have done but
Will probably have a good cry if am on my own tonight, i don't have a counsellor but am thinking about trying to get one.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 13:48:54

Thankyou Stoic i will look up NAPAC, thanks a lot everyone for your help and support in this very difficult time

THERhubarb Fri 10-May-13 14:35:38

Like the others have said, you are doing everything right. Let the tears flow and don't try to stifle your feelings in front of your dd. It's ok to let her see you cry, it's ok to fall apart every now and then because she'll know that it's also ok for her to do the same. So long as you then get up, brush yourself down and carry on.

Do talk to someone about your own experiences. This is a chance for you to turn your own life around too. You and your dd can make a fresh new start. You might never be the same people as you once were, but you can reinvent yourselves to be stronger, tougher and braver.

I don't know if you have a pet or how you feel about pets but sometimes animals can play a huge role in healing emotional distress in children so that could be something to think about? A distraction for you both could be welcome?

I know you will keep fighting and pushing for what is right for your dd. Never take no for an answer. With you on her side, your dd can rise above this and put it all behind her. You are her guiding force now, her source of strength, her confidant; just make sure you have support of your own.

EldritchCleavage Fri 10-May-13 14:44:09

Lovely post, TheRhubarb. And good luck, OP. Keep posting as long as it helps you to do so.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 15:05:07

Thanks Therhubarb i have been trying to control my emotions in front of her but its not working, i am looking into getting a counsellor for myself.

I do have pets, i have two cats and find they are really good to have around in times of stress.
I will definitely keep fighting for my daughter and i will definitely seek out support for myself.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 15:06:42

Thankyou Eldritch

StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 15:11:06

TheRhubarb Combo of your post, it's wisdom and compassion, my concern for Emz & her lovely DD, and horrible horrible memories I have right now have me in tears.

Emz - this IS shit, but you MUST see from Rhubarb that you are not alone and you have help and support ok? I agree with her re letting tears flow. It's something I simply can't do and I know that has been and is hugely damaging. So whilst appreciate may sound like the most insane 'advice' ever; truely, if you CAN cry and cry and cry then do. As by a mile that is the healthiest and most healing option. And if you need a 'go-to' person, then Rhubarb would have my votethanks Sx

StoicButStressed Fri 10-May-13 15:15:18

Just realised that could read madly. What I meant was, if you ARE able to, then please weep and weep until the cows come home. As in, not the few that force their way out like mine just did, and then just get shut down.

I hope that makes sense.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 15:34:06

Yes it does make sense Stoic and thankyou x

THERhubarb Fri 10-May-13 15:58:13

Thanks Stoic but as I often say, it's easier looking from the outside in. I can afford to give detached advice - we all can. Not so sure I'd be quite so helpful had I actually experienced this type of abuse myself. With me it was more emotional abuse from my stepfather and mother.

But yes, anytime you want to contact me just feel free to PM me. I have a dd who is 12 and so my heart truly does go out to you. I severed all contact with half of my family so that my children wouldn't suffer the same emotional abuse I did. And yes, it's easy to think that your own children would ok with these people because you do think that they only did that to YOU, because of something you did, because you were incapable of being loved, because you deserved it, etc. That's how the spiral of abuse is allowed to continue, because they have completely eroded your own sense of judgement and your own self worth.

That's why you also need counselling so that you can protect yourself and your dd in the future. And believe me, you DO deserve love and protection just as much as your daughter does. You can both heal each other and you will come through this and out the other end. Things might seem dire now, but as each day passes it brings you closer to your new life, closer to that new change.

Perhaps at the end of it all you can put your skills to good use and train to be a counsellor yourself? Part of your healing could be to help others come through it and out the other side - what better example could you be to those who think that this signals the end of everything?

You can carve a better, brighter future for yourself and your dd in spite of your father. And you will be her role model. You have so much to look forward to. Give her a hug from me and feel a virtual hug coming your way flowers

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 16:48:26

therhubarb i will definitely be severing all contact with my dad and anyone else on his side of the family should they choose to disbeleive what has happened if/when he so chooses to tell them because im not going to tell them as i dont think it should be my job to do.

I also think counselling may be beneficial to me as i seem to have a mental block when it comes to details of what actually happened to me.

I don't whether i would be capable of being a counsellor as hearing horrible details about things would probably be too much for me.

I will pass on a hug to my daughter from you, thanks again.

Greydog Fri 10-May-13 16:58:26

Emz, i have no advice to give, but just wanted to send love and hugs to you and your daughter. I am so sorry for all you are going through x

lostproperty Fri 10-May-13 17:11:39

I'm so sorry that this horrendous thing happened to you, your sister and now your dd...but if everybody knew he was like that, why was he allowed to be near your dd ?

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 17:12:05

Thanks Greydog

Leverette Fri 10-May-13 17:21:53

Emz I just wanted to say - years and years ago (am an old bird now!) I told my mum what a male relative was doing to me sexually. I was 5 when it started (my first memory of it anyway). She and the rest of my family basically hid it and did nothing for me in any support, no action, no counselling, nada. That taught me dangerous lessons about being self sufficient, which led to a nervous breakdown, because later in life I was in a hard situation and just couldn't ask for help. I am so, so happy to read how you are taking such great care of your precious daughter, and know that you are doing all the right things which will prevent her from being badly damaged by this. You're showing her that she is believed, loved, protected - that she has worth and is entitled to respect, and that she has a mother lioness who will fight tooth and claw to keep her safe from harm.
You are fantastic.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 17:37:58

Hey Leverette i am so sorry to hear that your family didnt help you when you needed it most, thankyou, i dont really consider myself fantastic im just doing what any mother should do for their child

AdoraBell Fri 10-May-13 19:07:32

Lost OP said up thread that when her mother tried to do something about the abuse she was pressured into taking the abuser back into the family and continuing to raise the DCs with him in the home because of the attitudes of that time.

That will have given a message that he wasn't a danger.

The fact that OP's daughter was also abused by him is down to his manipulation of the family dynamics and the attitude of society to divorce when the OP was a child.

It took my mother 40 year's to leave my violent father because she didn't want to be seen to break the family up, just because of other people's attitudes. Now, when a parent speaks up and says that a relative has abused their child they are less likely to be told to keep it quiet, don't wash their dirty linen in public, and carry on as normal.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 19:12:46

Thanks AdoraBell i was going to reply to that post but chose not to as my reply wouldnt have been nice given how i feel at the moment, i stupidly thought spending time on my own would help but have done nothing but cry since i arrived home at 6 pm

AdoraBell Fri 10-May-13 19:27:24

Emz you don't need to reply, you are doing the right things.

Maybe you need the release of crying, it really is a very healthy reaction despite the fact that it feels crap. thanks and hugs.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 19:36:29

Yeah i know AdoraBell i think you may be right about me needing the release, it does feel like crap. Thanks x

inneedofrain Fri 10-May-13 19:49:30

I have found that crying can be a good thing!

You are reacting to a situation that it terrible and your body needs a release. Infact I would probably be screaming by now if I was going through what you are.

You have done the right thing time and time again, sweetheart and that takes guts galore. YOu have taken a stand for your daughter and let her now that what ever life may through at her, however bad she feels you her mum will protect her, stand in front of her and stand up to anyone to protect her. That is a fanstastic wonderful thing.

There is just one thing that I want to say, I don´t know if it has been said up screen but remember you are feeling so many different emotions at this time that pretty much anything goes to help you process them, cry, scream, hit a pillow (if you can do this on your own it may be better for your DD) lose the plot if you need to. Remember you are not only going through hell becuase of what has happened to DD; but because of what has happened to your self, and whilst I hate to type this you may in some way feel slightly responisble for what has happend to DD. THE ONLY PERSON RESPONISBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU; YOUR SISTER AND YOUR DD IS YOUR DAD, PLEASE DONT FORGET THAT, none of you (you, your sister, dd) have done anything wrong or to desever this to happen to you, you are an amazing mum and your DD is lucky to have you.

Also remember that your mind may have blanked a lot of what was done to you as a coping mechanism, the termoil you are now in may mean that your mind block is starting to fail, may be not in terms of actual things that happened but in terms of the emotions you felt. Please do considering asking for counciling, also remember that no matter what the time of day or night there are people that will listen both here publically on the forum by private pm and on the phone.

YOu are doing so well, your strenght and courage are fanastic. Please have a hug from me for you and your wonderful brave dd

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 20:07:33

Thankyou so much inneedofrain

cjel Fri 10-May-13 22:27:27

Emz again I would add to definate getting counselling. I did but not until I was 40 did I finally admit what happened and now I have so worked thorugh my stuff I am 2yrs into a 4 year counselling course. It is painful when you start the process but it will help so much and in turn you will be able to help dd in the way you want. I'd also say let your feelings go to the dark place while you don't have dd and cry and mourn.xx

Theironfistofarkus Fri 10-May-13 22:38:56

Emz you are very brave. If you and your daughter need support, the Lucy Faithfull Foundation are a great organisation as well as Napac.

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 22:50:48

Hey cjel i let myself cry and was all cried out after an hour and a half, i had intended on having an early night but had to go pick my youngest daughter up from my sisters house as she wasnt settling

Emz8369 Fri 10-May-13 22:51:41

Thanks farkus

StealthOfficialCrispTester Fri 10-May-13 22:54:26

You are amazing
Your DD is lucky to have you as her mum

cjel Fri 10-May-13 22:55:53

glad you had your cry without dd being there!!smile just as well you hadn't had a few drinks instead. How do you feel now? are you glad to have her back?xx

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 00:06:49

Hope you can get some sleep now.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 08:56:52

morning, how was your night?

inneedofrain Sat 11-May-13 09:01:49

Hope you are ok and managed to get some sleep

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 10:46:42

Thanks stealth

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 10:49:41

Hey cjel thanks no point drinking tbh asi would have had a hangover this morning as well as this situation hanging over me, i felt better after my cry and was glad to have daughter back home.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 10:51:10

I had some aleep Adora but it was broken sleep so hasnt helped a lot tbh however i do feel a bit better than i did yesterday

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 10:54:20

Hey cjel i had lots of broken sleep and have woken with a headache but im just going to try and get on with things today

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 10:55:58

inneedofrain i feel a little better than yesterday got a little sleep as most of it was broken

StoicButStressed Sat 11-May-13 11:46:43

Just sending you all hugs again Emz, and reminding you that you are being just amazing in every waythanks

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 11:50:07

Thanks stoic today is better but i still havent done anything in the way of housework but im building up to im currently helping my younger daughter with her homework on the plus side i havent cried yet today

cjel Sat 11-May-13 13:18:54

your body will use what sleep you did get so thats tough is hw? what age is dd? mine outgrow me by about 11!!! I have just been outside in my garden this morning and the fresh air is always good. can you go out today? even if its just to sit and stare!

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 13:33:30

Hey cjel the housework isnt usually that tough but as i have had workmen in and out over the past week i havent been able to do much so housework is worse than it usually is and i also keep getting dizzy spells so have to sit down often but i will get through it, dd is 6, can't go out today weather is rubbish, i have music on while im tidying and im actually enjoying it which is a good sign (i think?)

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 13:55:56

Yes, enjoying the music is good, anything that lifts your mood even for a few minutes is good. Have you spoken to your GP about yourself? The dizzy spells make me think you may be be having panic attacks. Stress makes the body react in all sorts of wierd ways and you may well benefit from some kind of medication for that.

Do you have any aromatherapy oils? If not could your sister get you either Neroli oil, or lavender, sage. The Neroli calms the nervous system- a few drops in a warm bath. Lavender and sage are calming too and I use lavender mixed with whatever oil, even cooking oil, 1/2 drops to a teaspoon of oil. I rub that on my temples, neck, arms & hands, legs & feet.

Also chamomile tea relaxes your intestines, a couple of cups of that per day will help. DDs can drink that too, and use the lavender oil -just remember to mix it before using it on skin.

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 14:00:00

That should be 1-2 drops of oil not half a drop, sorry.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 14:05:49

I havent been in touch my gp Adora i havent had a panic attack but think my weakness and dizziness may be due to lack of food as i have not been eating thanks for the advice about the aromatherapy oils i dont have any but will definitely invest in some

cjel Sat 11-May-13 14:12:12

great you are enjoying music, as long as its not too morbid.! I have done up this house in the last 6months since i lived here and its a nightmare isn't it? where does all the dust come from? At one point last year me and ds(28) were sleeping in the lounge, little bedroom had all our stuff in while we ripped out both our bedrooms and one morning we had to get up and dressed early as they were coming to rip out kitchen and fit new doors and windows to the whole place It was november and freezing!! feeling more settled now though.Try and make yourself eat - soup is good if you cant face chewing!!

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 14:20:42

Hey cjel im definitely avoiding morbid music im currently getting a new kitchen and bathroom and the house looks like a bomb has hit it but im only doing little bits i know i can cope with at the moment, i currently have a kitchen/sitting room as had to take everything out of the kitchen so have all kitchen in my sitting room which is a pain.
I had some toast before bed last night and am definitely going to try something after i have tidied

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 14:36:24

Okay, make sure you eat today, even if it's just a bit of fruit and a yoghurt. But if the dizzy spells don't stop once you have eaten then please don't ignore it. I've had full on panic attacks and afterwards you can't just swing back into action, it can take weeks or months to recover.

Do you have easily prepaired food in the house, anything in the freezer you could bung in the microwave, so that if you don't have the energy for cooking from scratch you can still eat? Of not could you do an online shop, I'm thinking cans of soup, beans, humus, veg, fruit etc. ready roasted chicken, a bag of prepped salad, cheese, ham, frozen berries etc to mix with yoghurt. Bread/rolls/wraps, just add the salad and some chicken. Try to make it as easy as possible to get something ready.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 15:27:26

I am definitely going to eat today, i have just realised i havent felt sick at all today, the dizziness only happens when i stand after i have been sitting down.

I have lots of easily prepared in atm as have only had use of a microwave and sporadic use of a proper cooker over the past couple of weeks.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 16:24:24

Well i have had something to eat and actually enjoyed it, feel a little sick now tho but thats probably because i havent had anything for so long.

cjel Sat 11-May-13 17:54:44

Adora, not all panic attacks take ages to get over? My first one happend about 6 years before the next and when I got help for them I never had another. yes probably your tummy is churning and now you've put food in it there is something to go round!! I can beat you I had a kitchen/bedroom!!( It is a bungalow so didn't have to chase upstairs)great trying to find a knife on a bed buried under tons of stuff. If its anything like mine it was so worth doing, I can't hardly remember the living in a mess stage.

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 19:41:52

cjel no, not all but is does depend on the severity, and also recognising it as a panic attack. I had them through my childhood and then later when I was spending time with my father as an adult, but didn't realise what was happening. Then a few years ago I was blue lighted into ER with the last major one I had. I've learned how to recognise and stop them now. Before that event my OH was blue lighted 3 times in 4 days and then spent 3 nights in the clinic while they looked for the root of the problem because they didn't believe could be "just" stress until all the tested were run and came back clear.

Emz glad you've had some food, hope you feel better very soon.

And by the way, we built an entire house see above comments re OH and I am never taking on building work again. Ever.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 20:42:38

Thanks Adora i feel so much better i think the bih cry i had yesterday helped a lot! I have a friend here tonight so we are having a couple of drinks

AdoraBell Sat 11-May-13 21:06:56

I hope you have a nice evening with your friend.

Emz8369 Sat 11-May-13 21:08:35

Thanks Adora

Emz8369 Sun 12-May-13 10:49:58

I had a good night with my friend last night fell straight asleep and didnt wake up during the night so got a good nights sleep too

LemonBreeland Sun 12-May-13 12:50:26

Glad to hear you got some sleep Emz that will really help you to be able to deal with everything. Keep strong.

Emz8369 Sun 12-May-13 13:07:54

Thanks LemonBreeland

AdoraBell Sun 12-May-13 16:49:50

Glad your were able To relax with your friend and then sleep.

Emz8369 Sun 12-May-13 16:54:12

Thanks Adora me and the girls have had a lovely relaxing day curled up together on the sofa watching films

AdoraBell Mon 13-May-13 00:39:33

That sounds good Emz

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 07:21:29

Back to feeling like crap after a shit nights sleep i now have a massive headache, i hope the workmen aren't in for too long today so i might be able to catch a couple of hours through the day

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 12:40:56

I just want to say thanks to everyone you have all been so understanding and helpful even knowing there is someone here who i can message and tell how i am feeling has been a big help

tb Mon 13-May-13 13:16:17

Emz well done for reporting it.

A word of warning - dd told us she'd been allegedly indecently assaulted by a doctor. She was very angry after she'd told us, and in desperation - and following the advice of a gp - I told her I'd been abused, too.

That was a mistake, she referred to it during her police video statement, and the social worker from child protection accused me of making a malicious complaint because my 'd'm hadn't protected me. He then told the Camhs team that I'd been abused as a child. Their sw told us categorically that dd hadn't been assaulted, and then insisted she was the sw who counselled dd for her 'worrying thoughts' that we'd idenified as being like flash-backs.

Hope things turn out ok for you all.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 13:23:42

what a nightmare tb.
I think OPs abuse was reported at the time so she won't have the same problem.
Hope you and dd are ok now?

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 13:43:13

Hi tb my daughter had already had her video interview before i told her, im so sorry to hear what happened to you and your daughter and thankyou, i want to see the bastard locked up but dont hold much hope in the justice system tbh

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 18:29:07

Grr this man (if you can call him that) really pisses me off, i have just had a message off him asking how (older) daughter did cos she started her sats tests today angry

fubbsy Mon 13-May-13 18:46:30

Haven't the police told him not to contact you? angry

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 19:20:36

His only bail conditions are not to contact the children

cjel Mon 13-May-13 20:14:08

I still think it would be worth reporting his latest text, Its not fair that you should have any contact with you and surely asking about dds is still trying to contact them?

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 21:26:43

Emz, you need to block his number. That should be the first thing you do. The second thing you need to do is show the police his text as it could count as harrassment.


The police will have a word with him and he'll realise that there is no point in trying to contact you as you will only keep reporting him. It may also count against him in court as it is actual unwanted contant and harrassment when he has already been told to stop texting your sister.

I know your feelings are all over the place, but you really need to get on top of this now. Block him. Tell the police. Your only priority right now is your dd.

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 21:34:40

I showed the police the texys he was sending my sister and they said there was nothing they could do as they arent intimidating so dont imigane they will do anything about this one, i didnt reply and have no intention of doing so, the police have already told him we don't want any contact with him. I will be ringing the police woman in the morning

THERhubarb Mon 13-May-13 21:42:12

I thought they said they would have a word with him about the texts? Keep showing them. He abused you as a child, he abused your daughter, I would say that this counts as harrassment. As a potential witness, he shouldn't be contacting you at all.

He has been told not to by the police and they need to press that home to him. Get her to tell him that you have blocked his number so there is no point in him trying to get hold of you.

He is preventing you from moving on by continually contacting you in this way. Once he is removed and in prison, which he surely will be, yes you will grieve in some way for the father you never had but at least you can then have some kind of closure and you can move on with your life.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 21:44:18

you are so strong emz, glad you will continue to tell police about his contact. It all adds up and they will be able to do more the more he does. did you get chance to chase counselling?

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 21:58:26

Yeah they did rhubarb she said they rang him and told him not to contact us

Emz8369 Mon 13-May-13 21:59:29

Thanks cjel the counselling should be coming through shortly

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 10:01:27

I am supposed to be going food shopping
today but really don't think i can face it, i am so scared in case i see him that even writing my shopping list out is making me feel sick

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 12:07:00

Well i rang the police woman and she said she is going to ring him and tell him (again) that we do not want contact with him

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:24:49

And have you blocked his number?

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 12:30:29

Yes rhubarb i have

THERhubarb Tue 14-May-13 12:58:04

Good smile

AdoraBell Tue 14-May-13 14:35:32

Emz could you get shopping delivered just this once? Obviously I'm not suggesting you hide away at home but if it's causing too much stress is it worth the trip into town? You will be able to go out without feeling stressed but for now try to find a balance.

Well done for reporting the continued contact, even if it's not intimidating in it's contents it builds up a picture of the individual.

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 14:56:48

I cant get shopping delivered adora as dont have a bank account only a post office account, havent been able to go out yet as have been waiting for plumbers coming out i was hoping to have been out and back home by now as would rather be out on my own and risk bumping into him than having the kids with me, plumbers still havent been yet so don't think i will be able to go today anyway so will hopefully get out tomorrow

ParsingFancy Tue 14-May-13 15:10:22

Emz, just to say I'm still thinking of you all. You're doing a fantastic job hanging in there.

And especially with having tradespeople in your space all day, and the house dismantled around you. That's wearing at the best of times. Hope they finish and get out of your hair soon.

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 15:13:16

Thanks ParsingFancy

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 18:22:42

Well i did it! I went shopping i had to do it on my own as my sister waited in for the plumbers for me and looked after kids, i nearly had a panic attack but i did it!

cjel Tue 14-May-13 18:39:15

Wow that amazing - well done you!smile hope you bought some good things to eat?

Emz8369 Tue 14-May-13 19:28:06

Thanks cjel i was tempted to come home half way through but pushed on with it yeah i treated myself

cjel Tue 14-May-13 19:38:59

good for the treats too!

AdoraBell Wed 15-May-13 04:04:07

Well done Emz that is fantastic. You really are doing amazingly well.

AgentFelix Wed 15-May-13 05:41:37

Emz, my heart goes out to you, your DD, Dsis and Dmum.

I will not hijack your thread with my personal experience, but I wanted to tell you that I have so much respect for you and the way you are handling this.

Belief, understanding and empathy from you will help DD more than anything.

Please be kind to yourself and accept appropriate help where it's offered.


Emz8369 Wed 15-May-13 08:23:50

Thanks Adora and Felix My sister is going to be interviewed today and as what happened to her didnt get reported to police as we had left the family home before she disclosed it and she didnt report it to police if that makes sense, depending on what she tells the police it may lead to him being rearrested and investigated for what he did to her as well

AdoraBell Wed 15-May-13 15:47:10

Hugs for your sister

Emz8369 Wed 15-May-13 16:43:03

Seriously pissed off!!! Long story short i have two sisters the one who daughter first told and the sister who was giving her statement today, my sister who daughter first told has decided she feels sorry for my dad and wants to keep in touch with him because he has "lost everyone". I am infuriated, he hasnt lost everyone because none of his side of the family know because he hasnt got the balls to tell them what a low life he is and i refuse to tell them

AdoraBell Wed 15-May-13 17:54:22

Not surprised you are pissed off, I would feel compelled to cut contact with sister, but that's me. Do you think he has manipulated her, guilt tripped her into feeling sorry for him?

Emz8369 Wed 15-May-13 18:03:06

No Adora she never sees him tbh so i dont know why she feels this way she is 18 so as an adult can do what she wants she is in the mindset that he is her dad which yes its true but i just dont get it, i still love her but will be telling her that if she does have contact with him then she will not be telling me anything about him and will certainly not be ac

Emz8369 Wed 15-May-13 18:07:17

Acting as a go between if he wants her to pass messages on to me

AdoraBell Wed 15-May-13 18:11:09

And that she does not have your permission to tell him about you or DD. she is an adult, be a very young adult. Did she grow up around him, was she very young when your mother left? She could have a naive romantic idea of who her father is, and that could affect her judgement.

Emz8369 Wed 15-May-13 18:21:06

She was really young when my mum left she was only 4 or 5

Emz8369 Sat 18-May-13 14:39:19

Shitty day today :-(

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 14:54:07

Sorry to hear that Emz. Anything in particular, or just everything?

Emz8369 Sat 18-May-13 17:09:01

Daughter had a friend over on the condition that she (daughter, not friend) help sort her room as she wanted to rearrange it, all started well until daughter started messing around and then came downstairs after about ten minutes i came to see what she was doing and found her on her netbook so took it off her and asked her to come back upstairs and help, i went back upstairs and heard daughter shouting and screaming at her younger sister so came down and told her to stop otherwise i would send her friend home at which point she started shoutingand screaming at me so i called her friends mum and explained the situation and friends mum came and took her home and now everything else just getting on top of me

anewyear Sat 18-May-13 17:40:58

Hope your both ok?..

Emz8369 Sat 18-May-13 17:56:43

Thanks anewyear

ParsingFancy Sat 18-May-13 17:58:12

Oh pet.

<offers brew and wine and soothing>

Sounds like you're all understandably stressed out.

Emz8369 Sat 18-May-13 20:08:05

Thanks ParsingFancy tomorrow is a new (and hopefully better) day

Emz8369 Wed 22-May-13 08:04:42

And now the shops are advertising for fathers day :-(

ParsingFancy Wed 22-May-13 16:39:29

Oh Emz.

There must be so much still bubbling up for you about him, too.

Emz8369 Wed 22-May-13 17:49:28

It just makes me want cry

ParsingFancy Wed 22-May-13 17:56:53

Hugs are supposedly unMumsnetty, but have a great big one anyway.


Emz8369 Wed 22-May-13 18:17:43


Emz8369 Wed 22-May-13 21:19:43

I just feel so lonely right now :-(

ParsingFancy Wed 22-May-13 22:49:50

What have you been up to today? Still got workmen underfoot, or is the end in sight?

Emz8369 Wed 22-May-13 23:36:32

I spent some time with my little sister today, no the workmen are done and have gone now

ParsingFancy Thu 23-May-13 09:46:13

Is that the sister who wanted to keep in touch with her father? Hope things went OK between you.

Got anything nice planned for today?

Emz8369 Thu 23-May-13 12:34:29

Yeah it is we talked about it and she has changed her mind, ahe doesnt want to talk to him anymore.
I saw my sister and we had a walk around town but it went downhill when i went to go home as i saw him in the bus station as i was going for my bus

ParsingFancy Thu 23-May-13 14:10:28

Oh that's marvellous that your sister is in accord. I imagine all of you are on very difficult journeys at the moment, getting to grips with this.

So sorry you saw him at the bus station. But well done on getting out at all. Hope the sun shone for you a little bit (been alternating with chucking it down here).

Emz8369 Thu 23-May-13 16:39:52

Im just glad i only saw him from behind and he didnt see me i dread seeing him face to face tho

AdoraBell Sun 26-May-13 22:40:56

I'm glad you went out, and that your sister has changed her mind. As ParsingFancy said, everyone will be on their own journey, probably at different stages too.

Emz8369 Mon 27-May-13 17:05:00

I know it sounds horrible but it would be so much easier if he was dead at least then we wouldnt have to worry about bumping into him when we were out

AdoraBell Wed 29-May-13 13:38:40

But then he wouldn't be facing justice, although I can see what you mean about it being easier.

Do you think he would speak to you? If so practice saying something like

'The police have already told you not to contact me, I am not willing to speak to you.'

That way if he did try to speak to you you have a ready response.

Emz8369 Sat 01-Jun-13 19:01:38

back again have had a really good day out with my youngest daughter and a friend and her children

AdoraBell Sat 01-Jun-13 22:48:41

Glad you've had a good day out.

Emz8369 Sat 01-Jun-13 23:17:42

me too, knackered now tho, not looking forward to monday as oldest daughter is going on a residential with the school

AdoraBell Sat 01-Jun-13 23:33:03

I can see how that would be dificult for you, just try To enjoy the rest of the weekend and deal with Monday when it arrives.

Emz8369 Sun 02-Jun-13 00:23:18

yeah I will, I think it will do her good getting away tho

Emz8369 Mon 03-Jun-13 17:46:07

well daughter went away with the school this morning and I cried like a baby lol I hope she has a good time

ParsingFancy Mon 03-Jun-13 18:24:45

Are they doing lots of outdoor stuff? Hope this good weather keeps up for them!

Emz8369 Mon 03-Jun-13 21:40:49

Hi ParsingFancy yeah its all outdoorsy stuff and judging by the weather reports they are going to have good weather all week

Emz8369 Tue 11-Jun-13 20:21:36

have just went bat shit crazy at the stupid idiot of a man who is my old next door neighbours dad.

youngest daughter (6) went missing and I couldn't find her so had my friend and sister out helping me look for her found her after ten minutes with old next door neighbours dad ( bloke in his 50s I'd say ) walking the dog along an old cycle track ( where she knows she is not allowed) she used to go on regular dog walks with old next door neighbour and this guy well when I found her she got a severe telling off and I went bat shit crazy at this guy, was I being unreasonable?

ParsingFancy Tue 11-Jun-13 20:43:56

Oh Emz! You must have been terrified. Poor all of you!

Bloke with dog was probably a bit taken aback, but it's completely natural you're being extra vigilant.

What a time for her to decide to wander!

Emz8369 Tue 11-Jun-13 20:48:07

yeah I was parsing im starting to think I overreacted now tho

ParsingFancy Tue 11-Jun-13 20:52:09

You've been holding everything together so well. Not at all surprising to lose it at something so scary.

Emz8369 Tue 11-Jun-13 22:11:10

I know but this bloke got both barrels, gonna have to apologise next time I see him

ParsingFancy Tue 11-Jun-13 22:15:21

Oh that's a good thing to do. Or drop him a wee card or bunch of flowers, if you're rather not wait to see him in person.

But do keep looking after you, won't you? In the scale of stuff you're dealing with, yelling is pretty small beer.

((( Emz )))

Emz8369 Wed 12-Jun-13 07:52:01

we ( daughter and I ) have had a talk this morning and I have told her that it was wrong of her to not ask my permission and that until I can trust her again she is not allowed to go play in the street and that if she sees this guy walking the dog and wishes to go she has to ask me for permission

Emz8369 Wed 12-Jun-13 11:00:53

well I have just had police woman on the phone who said she is sending the evidence to cps at the end of this week and that she thinks we have a strong case evidence wise, not getting my hopes up though just in case

ParsingFancy Wed 12-Jun-13 11:41:05

Oh that's good news. Will be thinking of you then.

BTW, do you think you'd like to start a thread in Relationships or Chat, where more people with helpful experience will see it?

It seems quite quiet here in Legal: many MNers don't read the whole site. I'm happy to keep chatting here, but I don't know much and am very boring!

Emz8369 Mon 24-Jun-13 16:17:17

I am just going to keep this one open so dont have to explain things to people all over again

mumof5plusazoo Mon 24-Jun-13 20:41:47

Hi Emz,
I have only just seen this and have read through. I would like to say that you are amazing, I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have and are going through.
Stay strong take everything a day at a time.
Feel free to pm me if you want/need a chat.
Take care

Emz8369 Wed 26-Jun-13 07:54:00

well today is his birthday and it feels like it is someone's birthday after they have died if you get what I mean

ParsingFancy Thu 27-Jun-13 20:56:04

Hope you got through yesterday OK, Emz.

Emz8369 Thu 27-Jun-13 21:29:45

thanks ParsingFancy I had a good cry and then took myself to bed early

AlbertaCampion Thu 27-Jun-13 21:31:56


AlbertaCampion Thu 27-Jun-13 21:32:51

*oops sorry, crossed threads

Emz8369 Tue 06-Aug-13 21:31:01

utterly crap day today found out my grandma (paternal side) had a mild heart attack and has to go to hospital tomorrow for tests and its times like these that a normal family would all pull together sad

Emz8369 Mon 30-Dec-13 18:21:09

Good news! The police have been in touch and he will be charged the next time he answers bail 6 charges relating to my daughter and 7 relating to my sister

sykadelic15 Wed 01-Jan-14 23:28:20

Excellent news!! Stay strong smile

Star8369 Thu 13-Mar-14 20:18:52

just an update he is currently on remand for breaking his bail conditions and has to appear in court on the 8th of April and enter a plea so hopefully he will plead guilty but if he doesn't we have to go to court

Star8369 Thu 03-Apr-14 16:21:50

well 5 days to go

RalphLaurenLover Thu 03-Apr-14 17:40:22

Thinking of you! thanks

nearly there flowers

Star8369 Mon 07-Apr-14 21:29:03

have looked online at the court listings and he is up at 10 am tomorrow which is the same time my sister has to go for her first scan and I am going with her so will have something to take my mind off things

Star8369 Tue 08-Apr-14 15:20:51

have just been on phone to police and he pleaded guilty on all charges! !! smile smile

Clutterbugsmum Tue 08-Apr-14 15:45:54

That's good. Especially that your dd won't have to go to court.

Hope your sister scan went ok.

Star8369 Tue 08-Apr-14 15:47:33

it was brilliant news my sisters scan went well baby is fine

PeterParkerSays Tue 08-Apr-14 15:58:18

I don't think congratulations is the right word Star, but you know what I mean.

Your DD has got justice, as has your DSis.

I am glad he finally saw sense and admitted his guilt. Saves a whole lot of stress and hassle for everyone.
I hope they throw the book at him and a very heavy one at that

Star8369 Sat 10-May-14 19:30:58

omg the police have been to see me today and have told me that when he was being interviewed for the pre sentencing report he asked what would happen if he admitted to what he did to me shock

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