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My partner moved in 2 months ago and now refuses to leave

(142 Posts)
LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 13:14:06

Hi, my partner moved in to my house 2 months ago. We are not getting on at all. On top of this, he is refusing to look for a job, so he hangs around my home doing absolutely nothing and complaining about life. I have asked him to move out as he has huge temper rages and shouts at me and my 3 children. He is not paying any money towards the bills, food, mortgage etc I have asked him/ told him to go but he is refusing, saying that he gave up his council home to move in with me. The actual truth is that the council were evicting him for non payment of rent. He is saying that my house is now his home and I will have to pay him to go. Can I just change the locks and refuse him entry? I know I am really stupid and scared. I just work really hard to support my children and myself and I am scared that this is now turning into a money battle. When he moved in we agreed it was a temporary situation. I don't know what to do as stupid as it sounds I really don't want him sharing my bed and bedroom and I dont have a spare bedroom. I really don't want him around upsetting my children. I have had to call the police on previous occasions because of his mad temper. Please help the stupid idiot that I am.

commanderprimate Thu 26-Apr-12 13:18:12

You poor thing - that sounds awful!

I'm not a legal expert, but if he's not paying rent, and hasn't got any sort of contract, I don't think he has any right to stay there. I should call the police again if I were you, and tell them he won't leave and you want him to. The council house is neither here nor there, it's got nothing to do with you, has it?

I'm sure there'll be someone more qualified than me along soon, sorry I can't help more.

Good luck with it.

savoycabbage Thu 26-Apr-12 13:20:49

Call the police!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 26-Apr-12 13:22:02

Also have no legal qualifications, but can't see that he has any right to stay in your home when he is acting abusively and his name isn't on the title deeds. Tell him to go, get the police involved if necessary, or if that's too scarey (and I can see how it might be!) yes, change the locks when he's out.

You're not stupid, you're being intimidated.

catsareevil Thu 26-Apr-12 13:22:13

Cant you just lock the doors when he is out? And arrange to return any belongings to him?

teanosugar Thu 26-Apr-12 13:27:29

I would ring the police, tell them you are scared, tell them about his temper and tell them he wont go.

If he isnt on the mortgage/rent book etc I dont think he's got a leg to stand on.

I think he's clutching at straws that you are going pay him off to set up somewhere else.

I do know someone who was in your situation, it was her house and he moved in, she was with him less than two years (married less than one) and he never paid a penny towards anything. She went to the solicitors armed with her payslips and bank statements. When he tried to get a pay off by saying he had bought stuff for the house and paid towards everything he was asked to provide proof and because he couldn't he didnt get anything.

change your locks.

if he comes back and gets angry then call the police. they will have a record of your previous calls and should come out quickly if necessary.

you aren't stupid!!!

Collaborate Thu 26-Apr-12 13:30:00

Just change the locks. You can put the key in the door to stop him gaining entry until you do that. He has no legal right to remain there now you've asked him to leave.

coppertop Thu 26-Apr-12 13:30:15

I think you need to call the police. He has no more right to be in your house than I do.

Once he's out, change the locks asap.

LadySybilDeChocolate Thu 26-Apr-12 13:30:46

I'd call women's aid, they will be able to help you.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 13:31:08

Thankyou so much for your advice. I keep wondering how I could have been so absolutely stupid and not realised that he saw me just as a free meal ticket. I am really scared about the legal implications and whether I can just get rid of him as he is refusing to go or whether he can legally demand that he owns part of my home now?

catsareevil Thu 26-Apr-12 13:32:06

He doesnt own part of your home.

mrspnut Thu 26-Apr-12 13:34:04

If he isn't on your tenancy then just change the locks whilst he is out and if he kicks off then call the police and say he is threatening you.

Put his belongings outside and thank your lucky stars that you've got rid of him.

PartOfAWednesday Thu 26-Apr-12 13:35:18

Have you ended the relationship?

sooperdooper Thu 26-Apr-12 13:35:34

Her owns nothing, he hasn't even contributed towards food or bills, he's entitled to nothing whatsoever in regard to your home and it sounds like he knows you're worried he has some kind of claim so he's using that against you, he's a freeloader and a bully and he needs to leave - do you have some family or friends who could come round and back you up while he packs his stuff and gets out?

sooperdooper Thu 26-Apr-12 13:36:31

Sorry pressed send too soon, he has no legal right over anything at all, your home 100% he just needs to leave if you don't want him there

EldritchCleavage Thu 26-Apr-12 13:40:56

He doesn't own a share in anything, and I don't think he can even claim to have what is called a 'periodic tenancy' because he doesn't pay any rent or contribution to living costs. I don't think he really qualifies for any legal protection at all.
Please please call the police and tell them you are being threatened in this way. Citizen's Advice and Woman's Aid will also be able to help.
Have you got relatives or friends who could come and stay with you for a while? Just change the locks when he is out then get someone in for support so if he comes back he sees you are not alone (though really, making a police complaint is the way to go).

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 26-Apr-12 13:41:35

If he had lived with you for many years, and if he had contributed towards making your home more valuable, he might have had a beneficial interest in the property. Two months of sponging off you gives him no rights whatsoever and you can chuck him out with a clear conscience.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 13:54:58

Thankyou so much, there is so much I want to say and I am really scared. My eldest son is 18 and he will help me stand up to him. He does not get home till the evening. Do you think I should pack his clothes( about 4 bin liners worth) into bin bags and leave downstairs or that may kick off his temper. He is out at the moment or should I wait for my son to come home this evening? I was wondering if I should give him notice but you are all advising me just to get rid of him immediately. Thankyou for your support

mrspnut Thu 26-Apr-12 13:56:31

I would put his stuff out and put the key in the lock so he can't get in, but you know him best.

What is he likely to do in that situation, if you ring the police how quickly will they be able to get there? is your son likely to be home before him?

EldritchCleavage Thu 26-Apr-12 13:57:23

Given his behaviour, I think giving him notice could be risky for you. Do pack up his belongings and leave them outside once your son has got home. That way, this man has no reason to come back into the house and cannot accuse you of taking his things. Once he does arrive, then the minute he even raises his voice, please call the police and ask them to attend.

Collaborate Thu 26-Apr-12 13:59:12

If he's out. lock the door now from the inside. Putting the key in the lock should do the trick if he's got his own key. Don't wait till he gets back. dial 999 if he tries to force his way in. Tell him if he backs away you'll open the door and leave his stuff out in bags. Make sure he's too far away to rush the door, or wait until your son gets back to do that.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 26-Apr-12 13:59:41

Put his stuff into binbags, leave outside (somewhere where the contents won't be damaged by rain etc) and as mrspnut says, leave the key in the door so he can't get back in. If you have time and it's a yale lock, you can buy a new barrel for not much money and change the lock yourself quite easily. Maybe call local police in advance to let them know he might kick off?

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 26-Apr-12 14:00:31

Definitely don't warn him. Don't let him back in the house. Put his stuff outside and either change the locks or find another way to secure it (changing locks probably better or he'll have a key). Call the police if he so much as shouts and kicks the door.

What a wanker. Hope you can get rid and get on with your life.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 14:05:27

I know this will result in the police being called. Ok I will wait for my son this evening and then pack his stuff up and get it downstairs. He is a real control freak and continually goes through all my paperwork, bills and anything he can. He is furious because I refuse to give him my phone code, so he can't read my messages. I have nothing to hide but he is nuts . Thankyou again, your advice is wise, warm and desperately needed. I'd he comes in at any moment I will have to close my computer until this evening, but I will keep reading and update you on how I get through this. Biggest thanks,

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 26-Apr-12 14:07:44

To be honest, it wouldn't be bad thing if the police were called - it would mean there was an official record of him trying to threaten you.

sicutlilium Thu 26-Apr-12 14:10:54

Good luck. And once you have got rid of him, don't let him talk his way back in - he sounds like a manipulative bully, and they can be very persuasive.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 14:11:51

Sorry but just wanted to add , I live in the country and my neighbours are a field away on both sides. He has smashed windows before when I refused to let him in. Do you think I should just deal with the situation now on my own or wait for my son. Sorry I feel nervous and a bit scared. He dos not have a key but he as tried to kick my door in previously.

He has no rights to your property whatsoever. Do not be worried about that at all. The property is entirely yours, no question.

Can you phone the police to let them know that you are planning this, and there is a chance that he may be violent when he returns? That way they will be ready for your call if this happens.

If you have the money for it, one idea may be to book a B&B for him for one night. Pack up his things and send them there. When you are ready, phone him and tell him that as he has refused to leave when you previously asked him to you have arranged for his things to be at the B&B, and it's up to him to find his own accommodation after that, and you do not want him to come back to the house. Good bye.

Good luck. MN is with you on this.

I didn't realise you were that isolated. Others may have more experience and advice, but I would think in this case you certainly want to phone the police and let them know what is going on. It would be great if they could be close at hand. I am worried that otherwise it may take too long for them to get there.

Rikalaily Thu 26-Apr-12 14:16:45

As your neighbours are a fair distance away and he has smashed windows before when you have locked him out I would have the police there to escort him out. Say nothing to him and arrange for them to be there at a certain time, when they arrive they will inform him that he has to leave and can stay with him outside while you pack his bags or have some of it ready to go and hidden and do the rest as he's leaving.

I had to do this once to help a friend move out of her house when she had a violent partner. He wasn't there when we moved her out but they sat outside in the car until we had her out of there incase he returned.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 26-Apr-12 14:18:32

Good he doesn't have a key. Yes, if he's likely to smash windows and you'd feel safer, wait till your son gets home (or would that escalate to a fight?) Do, please, phone the police in advance, they might even be able to be there when he returns. I know what you mean about country-living, am in a farmhouse with no immediate neighbours myself.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 14:18:50

Yes I have called the police twice before and they take ages ( actually about 15/20 mn ) which seems a lifetime when your door is being kicked in. There is just no reasoning with him or normal adult conversation.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren Thu 26-Apr-12 14:22:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Can you phone the police now and talk about this? They will have records of your previous calls. What time is he likely to get home? Rikalaily's suggestion is good.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 14:27:54

Do you think the police will definately move him out? I thought they didn't like to get I volved in domestic scenes. The problem is he hardly goes out so it is difficult to plan it, maybe I should call the police and ask or just wait for an opportunity at the weekend when my son is with me and he is out? .... Sorry you are all so helpful and I am finding it hard to take all your advice logically. Also I am just shaking so much with fear in case he suddenly returns.

LadySybilDeChocolate Thu 26-Apr-12 14:28:55

I also think that you should call the Police now. If you know what time he's expected back they can turn up before and give you back up. Tell them that he's violent.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 26-Apr-12 14:29:52

Why don't you call the non-emergency police number (101?) and talk it through with someone. Explain that your partner is abusive, make sure they look at the records of previous callouts, and explain that he is refusing to leave.

I would hope they would be able to come over and escort him away. You don't NEED to do this on your own smile

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 26-Apr-12 14:31:17

Call them now and have a chat - make it clear that you are no longer together and you are frightened.

Collaborate Thu 26-Apr-12 14:31:39

Do call the police to let them know what is going down. You should speak to the nearest domestic violence unit to you. They'll take you seriously. Call your constablory's HQ, give them your address, and they'll put you through to the nearest DVU.

LadySybilDeChocolate Thu 26-Apr-12 14:32:41

You'll get really good advice from women's aid Lilac.

AIBUqatada Thu 26-Apr-12 14:36:22

Definitely a good idea to talk to the police first. Make sure they look up their records of previous callouts (and make sure that these records exist -- sometimes the police fail to keep a record of such things).

I'm not sure how helpful the police will be about escorting him off the premises unless they are pressured a bit to look at his record of violence and intimidation towards you. So for your own safety you need to make sure they are properly briefed and ready to act.

I want to second everybody else's view that this man has absolutely no right -- legal or moral -- to be in your home. Also, you have not done anything wrong or stupid whatsoever. You've just had the bad luck to be dealing with a very unreasonable exploitative man.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 14:40:07

Right I will call women's aid and the police domestic violence and get help. I will end for the moment but will come back. Thankyou so much for your advice, help and strength that you are giving me.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 26-Apr-12 14:41:02

"I thought they didn't like to get involved in domestic scenes."

A decent police officer wuold rather prevent crime than have to deal with the results of it. It's your RIGHT to live in your home safe and unscathed, and it's your children's right as well. Let them know that he is violent and unpredictable, and that there are children in the house.

AIBUqatada Thu 26-Apr-12 14:43:30

All best wishes, Lilac. I wish we could all be there and stand alongside you.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 26-Apr-12 14:46:29

So do I x

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 15:06:36

Hi , no luck with women's aid or domestic violence helpline. They are too busy and you have to leave a message which I darent do. I will wait for my son and call the police when he is with me. Calmly thinking I think I need him out of the house because then he has no way of legally re entering. I know the police will be helpful, but this is messy and my ex has the ability to "talk and charm a bird off a tree" so to speak. Thankyou I feel calm and level headed in the wake of this storm.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 15:07:37

Hi , no luck with women's aid or domestic violence helpline. They are too busy and you have to leave a message which I darent do. I will wait for my son and call the police when he is with me. Calmly thinking I think I need him out of the house because then he has no way of legally re entering. I know the police will be helpful, but this is messy and my ex has the ability to "talk and charm a bird off a tree" so to speak. Thankyou I feel calm and level headed in the wake of this storm.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 26-Apr-12 15:13:19

Call the police on the 101 number just to give them a heads up. And don't worry about him talking anyone round - he has absolutely no right to enter your house, no matter what he says, and the police will know that.

Thistledew Thu 26-Apr-12 15:16:32

Call the police on your local number now. Explain that he has a history of violence and that you are scared of him returning to your property. Ask them if they could pay a visit to him at his place of work and tell him not to return to your property, and that your son will take his belongings to a place where he can collect them away from your home. Alternatively, he can accompany the police to your house and you will give him his belongings whilst they are there.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 26-Apr-12 15:28:03

Thirding the advice to call the police now to tell them ahead of time that you intend to evict an abusive man who has a history of smashing in your windows when you try to keep him out (as well as a history of police call-outs to your home).

Later on, when all this is done and dusted, I recommend you book yourself in to your local Freedom Programme to understand how you got involved with such a controlling and abusive man, and how to avoid such men in the future.

LilacwineGirl Thu 26-Apr-12 19:25:09

Hi things went haywire. He came home, I repeatedly asked him to leave . He refused . I went into the bathroom to call the police. He smashed the door and broke in and ripped my phone away. I have gathered up my children and phoned the police.
The freedom program sounds great. I will research and definately do this. I am waiting now for help.
Many thanks

RandomMess Thu 26-Apr-12 19:28:18

Hope the police turn up very soon.

Gigondas Thu 26-Apr-12 19:29:26

You poor thing- I hope police arrive soon

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 26-Apr-12 19:31:01

Are you safe for the moment? Hope the police are fast.

CointreauVersial Thu 26-Apr-12 19:34:01

Hope you are safe, OP.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 26-Apr-12 19:55:01

Awful man. Well done calling the police. I hope you come back when you can to tell us you are all safe.

AThingInYourLife Thu 26-Apr-12 20:11:13

Really hope you are OK

Oh god, really thinking of you. Hope you are OK and hope the police have been helpful. What a horrible man.sad Where are you now? And where is he?

colditz Thu 26-Apr-12 21:56:59

I really hope you are ok x

Collaborate Fri 27-Apr-12 00:27:32

For ripping the phone away they should throw the book at him. Make sure you insist that they press charges. That way you can get a restraining order against him on conviction which can last for up to 5 years.

LilacwineGirl Fri 27-Apr-12 06:17:55

Hi the police came , 2 very young men. He sweet talked and they have said they cannot do anything as he was not doing anything when they came. They will only take action if he is kicking off and they can then stop him. I know this is all going to happen again, so I have to call them when he gets mad. Thankyou so much for your help, it s keeping me going. I can't use my computer if he is around because he will just smash it if he sees this, but I will sneak to it when I can. He has got to go

TanteRose Fri 27-Apr-12 06:28:12

Bloody hell - he HAS NO RIGHT to be in your house, if you are no longer in a relationship

what the hell are the police thinking??

the situation now is like if some random man knocked on your door and told you he was moving in.

I am so sorry - it must be completely terrifying sad

are you safe? is he in the house now?

just awful...keep posting, Lilac

Portofino Fri 27-Apr-12 06:28:55

Did you show them the damage and explain that you asked him to leave? I can't believe that they took no action. Why did you not take the advice and lock him out?

oohlordylordy Fri 27-Apr-12 06:35:59

OMG.. I am shocked and actually a little bit scared for you OP.

I cannot believe the police are seriously saying he has a right to live in your house. I mean, if you came home to find a few strangers making tea, could you not kick them out if they weren't creating a disturbance at exactly the time the police arrived?

That is scary beyond all belief.

Seriously. Change the locks. Now. Make sure your kids are safe elsewhere and you are not there alone.

CinnabarRed Fri 27-Apr-12 06:39:20

That reaction from the police warrants a complaint to their superior officer surely. They were wrong as a matter of the law.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots Fri 27-Apr-12 06:47:31

Have you called the local police station (when he's not around) for their advice on getting you out?

It sounds like they couldn't do much at the time as the call was threat of violence and he wasn't being - I wonder if you tell them he's coming home at x time, you won't be letting him in, you know he will be difficult, they might agree to be there? Just a thought.

msrisotto Fri 27-Apr-12 06:47:56

Look, he needs to go. Can you go to the police station and explain the situation and ask them to be there when you ask him to leave. I can't believe they'd say no given you've called them about his behavior before and he's prevented you from calling them. I'm so angry they said they couldn't do anything but it sounds like you need someone strong to help you, keep trying womens aid.

msrisotto Fri 27-Apr-12 06:56:37

I'm horrified and appalled at the police.
Whereabouts in the country are you?

ComradeJing Fri 27-Apr-12 06:58:32

That's bullshit. They can do something and they should have done something. Please, as cinnabar says, complain to their superior officer when you feel able.

You need to call the police again and say that he is refusing to leave your home. He has no right to be there. None at all.

mrspnut Fri 27-Apr-12 07:06:43

I think you need to ring the station and ask to speak to the sergeant about what happened.
I'd also advise you to put his stuff outside and make sure he can't get in when you have someone else there. Then when he is breaking down the door the police will have to act. He can behave all sweetness and light in front of the police officers but your approach wil be the same, he has been asked to leave and has no claim to your property but is instead trying to cause damage.

Follyfoot Fri 27-Apr-12 07:07:42

I would ring your local police station and ask to be put through to the control room. Tell them what happened, that the response of the officers who visited was wholly inadequate and that you want to speak to a senior officer now.

The bit about them witnessing him doing anything is rubbish. How do they ever arrest anyone then, as most crimes arent witnessed by the police at the time they occur? Take photos of your door too.

PattyPenguin Fri 27-Apr-12 07:32:25

Try to find out if your local police force has a Domestic Violence Unit. I found the local one where I live by Googling the name of the force and "domestic abuse". Then phone the unit and tell them what's been happening.

You need legal advice too. A solicitor can help with arrangements to legally bar your exP from your house. Try the Rights of Women website www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

There are lots more useful links on the Domestic Violence web guide here on MN at www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Figgygal Fri 27-Apr-12 07:38:19

That is outrageous how can the police think he has a right to be there when it is your home, you have asked him to leave and he's only been there 2 months not 2 years or any significant time at all. Chuck his stuff out next time he goes out change the locks and call some male friends to be there when he gets back since the police seem useless. I'm also all for giving them another call and speaking to someone senior there.

HecateTrivia Fri 27-Apr-12 07:44:18

What a crock of shit

It's your house. He's no right to be there. The police could have removed him. He's no legal claim to the house, he's just some bloke who's been living there for 2 months. TWO months.

Phone the police and complain. You have the right to throw him out. It's NOT HIS HOME

The police can't remove him because he wasn't doing anything when they got there?

This is total bollocks.

Maybe they couldn't remove him if he had a legal right to be in the home because it was his too. If that's not the case, then it is bollocks to claim that.

lookingtobuy Fri 27-Apr-12 07:45:57

You have broken off the relationship and he has no rights to your house. Take photos of the damage he has done. Go see a solicitor about getting a restraining order if possible.

KatieMiddleton Fri 27-Apr-12 07:50:26

If he is in your home without permission he is trespassing. If he is smashing up your property that's criminal damage.

I cannot believe the police did nothing. Did you say you don't want him there? Did you ask them to remove him? Did you say you fear for your safety? Because if you did all that and the police did nothing I find that utterly shocking and unbelievable.

Chopstheduck Fri 27-Apr-12 07:51:56

Why the hell does he need to be kicking off! You dont want him there, he has no right to be there, so he is trespassing surely?

I agree with Follyfoot, ask to speak to someone else.

Lilac phone the police on the non emergency number and ask to speak to the domestic abuse officer or the family officer, failing that someone senior.

The 2 police officers that came out completely failed you and broke so many police guidelines. It is categorically not how they are meant to deal with a situation where domestic abuse is even a possibility, let alone where there's evidence.

You deserve so much better. We're with you xx

Also, do you know how to cover your tracks online? It will depend on the browser you are using, do ask if you're not sure. Stay safe smile

AIBUqatada Fri 27-Apr-12 08:09:00

I'm so sorry that the police have let you down so badly. The officers were wrong. I agree with others that it would be good to get in touch with a police domestic violence unit, where officers have the training and experience not to commit the shameful errors that those officers did last night.

Please don't doubt yourself. It is dreadful that you have to be strong enough to fight police inertia at a time when you are already facing the awfulness with your ex-partner. Stay strong a bit longer.

xx

cheeseandpineapple Fri 27-Apr-12 08:16:32

Oh Lilac, what a nightmare for you. You mentioned you still have to share a room with him. Sorry to get too personal but does that mean you're having to have sex with him, when in fact you would rather you don't ie is he forcing himself on you? He sounds so violent and unpredictable, worried he could move in that direction if he hasn't already and you need to tell the police if he has been forcing you to do anything you don't want to do.

My impression is that the police will only get involved in criminal matters, not civil. If you are trying to remove him from your property, I think it's a civil matter and you may need to give formal notice if he's deemed to be living with you under licence rather than as a tenant.

Is there a citizens advice bureau where you can get legal advice?

It might be that after giving notice if he doesn't leave then police can help evict him, in meantime you probably need to show or report a crime/evidence for it, sonds like police are pretty impotent unless you make a specific allegation of a crime eg an assault of some kind, which doesn't even mean he actually hits you but makes out feel like you are under threat. I think if you are just saying to police, please get rid of him, they can't. If you have already spelt out to them what he's done which is criminal, eg criminal damage and assault (threat of violence) and they've done nothing, then need to ask them why they aren't charging him.

Very frustrating and like othes, am shocked that you can't get police help given how violent he's been. Please take very good care and keep us posted of how you get on.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 27-Apr-12 08:16:40

Lilac, don't get discouraged. I also had this reaction from shit policemen when trying to get my violent and abusive ex removed from my home. Since a vast proportion of society still thinks that "domestics" are the couple's own affair, and that men own their women, then statistically, some police officers will think the same.

Persevere. You will find police officers who have had proper training and are not dickheads, particularly if you ask to speak to the DV officer. And they will be eager to help you and get this man safely out of your life.

PS: After it was all over, I complained to the DV officer, and the dickhead policemen who hadn't helped me were sent on a DV training course, hopefully to go on never to treat another woman as appallingly as they did me. So you see, some good can come out of this.

OP, next time he is out call a locksmith and get all the locks changed.

if he kicks off when he gets back and can't get in then call the police.

Collaborate Fri 27-Apr-12 09:12:11

I agree with all of what the above posters are saying. CHANGE THE BLOODY LOCKS!

KatieMiddleton Fri 27-Apr-12 09:27:06

Apparently he doesn't have a key so changing the locks will do nothing. Presumably she is letting him in or he's breaking in. Either way both can be dealt with.

Collaborate Fri 27-Apr-12 09:28:39

Of course. Forgot that. OP - why do you let him in?

Collaborate Fri 27-Apr-12 09:30:48

IME the police would advise him to leave, and if he didn't they would arrest him to prevent a breach of the police. A complaint to the police is how you should deal with it from that angle. But FGS don't let him in ever again! What were you thinking of?

AIBUqatada Fri 27-Apr-12 09:37:02

I wouldn't blame Lilac at all if she did let him in. I think he is making it very hard for her not to let him in. A smashed window suggests his willingness to use physical force to get in; Lilac's legal worries suggest he is verbally harassing her with all sorts of false claims of entitlement; and Lilac's willingness to call herself stupid etc is suggestive of his no doubt calculated and very persistent erosion of her faith in her own judgement. I hope you don't mind me saying that Lilac: it isn't a criticism of you at all, just a thought about how very hard it is for you to stick to your guns with this man.

That is why it is so bloody infuriating that the police acted as they did: it puts Lilac in the position of having to be very assertive of her rights at a time when this man is making it so hard for her to have faith in herself.

OP if you would like legal advice today the "Rights of Women" family advice line are open today 12-2pm - they are women solicitors or barristers with expertise in relationship breakdown/domestic abuse.

Their number is 020 7251 6577

(Also Mondays between 11am-1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm, Thursdays between 7pm-9pm)

RoxyRobin Fri 27-Apr-12 09:45:05

Please, OP do what everyone is telling you to do! Collaborate is a solicitor so he knows of what he speaks. <sorry, Collaborate - but I don't think people would necessarily realise you're an expert, and think you were just some random well-wisher like me.>

Jux Fri 27-Apr-12 09:46:20

He doesn't have a key, he doesn't contribute financially, his name isn't on anything official. Next time he goes out pack his stuff up and put it outside, change the locks and DON'T LET HIM IN AGAIN. He'll kick off. He does that anyway. Call the cops. They'll come. If he's broken windows/doors etc then you can have him charged. I suggest you do so.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Fri 27-Apr-12 09:52:07

What everyone else said. Call the police, tell them what happened and ask to speak to a senior officer about it - make it clear you are no longer in a relationship, that it is your house and that he will not leave. Can't believe how crap those officers were - honestly op, you are in the right here, totally, he has NO right to be there.

Good luck, stay strong. Don't let him in again.

LowFlyingBirds Fri 27-Apr-12 09:58:37

Surely the police saw the damgae to the door he kicked in??

Awful service from them. I wonder if maybe you could email this thread to someone at your local police station? Then they could get your side of things (which may be hard to get across in person?) without this wanker sticking his oar in.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans Fri 27-Apr-12 09:58:53

Call the station and ask to a police officer from the dv team they will help.

AnAirOfHope Fri 27-Apr-12 10:46:48

Op im so angry at this mans treatment to you and the police that have let you down so badly.

I would get the kid out of house for a fewday and get the lock change leave his stuff out side in binbags and dont answer the door. He knows you want him out. Let him bang and shout call the police. Tell them you want him charge for tresspassing and damage to your house and hurassment. Do not ingage with him. Keep repecting yourself to the police.

Talk to a solisitor about a restraining order.

Also do not feed him, wash for him do not lift a finger to help him and if he talks to you tell him the relastionship is over and you want him to leave.

Call the police and tell them all of it. Or better still go see them in person and dont leave until they have a plan to get him out.

LadySybilDeChocolate Fri 27-Apr-12 11:39:04

You need to contact women's aid, they will really help you.

EldritchCleavage Fri 27-Apr-12 11:49:21

So sorry the police let you down OP. Why not call back and ask to speak to the inspector in charge. Tell him what you've told us, and say you were let down by officers who left you and your children in a house with a violent abuser.

2rebecca Fri 27-Apr-12 12:00:31

This thread makes no sense. You should have told the police clearly that it was your house, the relationship had ended and you didn't want him in your house which he had vandelised. He is now an exboyfriend and you don't want him in your life or in your house. if you made this clear i can't believe the police didn't tell him to leave.

AnAirOfHope Fri 27-Apr-12 12:16:18

If he doesnt have his own key just dont open the door to him.

cestlavielife Fri 27-Apr-12 12:50:49

dont let him in. plase.
call police 999 when he outside smashing the door.
repeat DO NOT LET HIM IN !

Xenia Fri 27-Apr-12 13:39:57

So she is choosing to let him in? Really why on earth? Get the windows boarded up with board so he cannot smash in again.

The point is she let him in so she consented to him going into what is currently his home so i am not surprised the police kept out of it. If you don't let him in , perhaps write and email him a formal letter saying the relationship is over and putting his possessions somewhere not your place but somewhere safe such as his mother's where he can collect them from then it is all over and done with.

LilacwineGirl Fri 27-Apr-12 14:01:47

Thankyou for update . I am meeting with (senior?) police . I don't know- anyway this eve at my local station.

TanteRose Fri 27-Apr-12 14:08:37

Lilac, are you OK? are you safe until this evening?

msrisotto Fri 27-Apr-12 15:57:42

Lilac, well done for arranging that. If it would help, make a list of the important points such as, it is your house, he's been there for 2 months, he's not paid rent, the relationship is over, he's been aggressive, he's broken this that and the other, you feel threatened because of this and that etc and most importantly that you wasn't him gone.

msrisotto Fri 27-Apr-12 15:58:03

Want, not wasn't

Hope it goes well Lilac, thinking of you

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 10:41:11

Hi . I met the police last night. I left the house as he was getting nasty and went to my local police station. They met me and followed me home. He had gone out . I locked the door. He came back and started kicking the door in. The police opened the door and arrested him. They put him in a cell and are questioning him or trying to charge him now. I feel really numb and sick and can't believe I have been so stupid. Don't think I can have any relationships with men cause I just get it all so wrong. Thankyou so much for helping me. I am so ashamed of myself. I am going to go and read all your comments carefully and calmly when I feel better because I don't know how I have got to such a stupid place. Thankyou for your kindness.

Xenia Sat 28-Apr-12 10:45:31

Good for you. The important thing is not to let him back in and find some way to get his property back to him through a third party which does not involve you. As someone said about it would do no harm to type a note setting out what has happened for the record, you own the house, how long he lived there etc etc.

Collaborate Sat 28-Apr-12 10:47:22

Well done! And a big cheer for the police officers who took you seriously and helped you out (which is what the first lot should have done).

You must follow this through, by giving the police a full statement and following the charges through. He'll most likely be released on bail conditions that he stays away from you and doesn't contact you. If he tries to contact you you must tell the police immediately.

Assuming he's convicted you might be able to ask the court for a restraining order to keep him away from you afterwards. The court can make these last for up to 5 years.

Don't feel ashamed of yourself. You're not alone. You should rightly feel empowered.

RoxyRobin Sat 28-Apr-12 10:50:18

You should be proud, not ashamed, of yourself for being so brave.

It is very good news that the police witnessed his behaviour and arrested him. You're bound to feel shakey, but it must be a relief to know that he will now be prevented from harassing you.

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 11:03:27

Yes Thankyou. The police said they will arrange collection of his stuff. Thank goodness. It sounds stupid but I feel really humble at all the kind help that I have received.

You should be so proud of yourself. You have done something very brave and strong for the good of yourself and your children. Well done! I am so pleased that the police witnessed that and looked after you properly at last.

You are so right about equipping yourself so that you can avoid situations like this again. Keep looking to MN for support. A new, brave, strong future awaits!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Sat 28-Apr-12 11:09:38

The only person who should be ashamed is him.

Hope this gives you the confidence to never let a man take the piss again.

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 11:11:11

Yep I have got to get some common sense as well as a little confidence

tribpot Sat 28-Apr-12 11:18:51

I'm so pleased the police have taken action against him, Lilac, it sounds absolutely terrifying.

I hope the police will advise you on what to do if he comes back again. Is there anyone who can stay with you for a few days?

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 11:25:57

I don't have any family only my children. But my eldest is 18 and we are keeping the house locked. The police are going to let me know what s happening. Finally feel I can breathe in my own home again!

Figgygal Sat 28-Apr-12 11:31:11

Glad things have moved on positively and i hope he absolutely shit himself when he found the police on the other side of the door.

Jux Sat 28-Apr-12 11:34:43

Fantastic! Well done, it took some courage to do that.

I don't know how relevant this may be to you as I don't know your history, but have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It may be worth your while checking it out. If it's not for you, then seeing a counsellor would be helpful, I think. You say you make bad choices wrt men; it's certainly worth trying to sort that out so you can make better choices in the future.

Good luck.

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 11:34:55

Trying not to giggle Figgy, but that is Exactly what he said. The whole thing was grim though!

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 11:37:25

Yes someone said this . This sounds amazing , I have got to get some help as I realise I was endangering my children. I don't trust myself now to have the ability to have a relationship.

savoycabbage Sat 28-Apr-12 11:48:11

Well done. You have been very strong. This man has manipulated and controlled you. It doesn't mean you can't 'do' relationships.

Jux Sat 28-Apr-12 11:53:05

You don't need to have a relationship right now, though do you? Get yourself sorted, and worry about that another time. You'll be fine, have faith in yourself.

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 12:01:54

No, I don't need any relationship at mo, just need to gather myself up again!

You should be so proud of yourself Lilac. Don't blame yourself, it's his fault. You were in a really difficult situation and have dealt with it admirably!

It's really good that you're thinking about moving on - I can definitely recommend the Freedom Programme that someone talked about above. It will help you recognise the signs in any future relationships.

You might like to ask about "sanctuary schemes" in your area. They are schemes to enable people at risk of violence to stay in their own home by installing safety measures (reinforced doors that can't be kicked down etc). Funding is very limited and you can't get them in all areas but it might be worth asking.

oops x-posted about future rels and freedom programme

KeepOrfThemCarbs Sat 28-Apr-12 12:16:16

I am glad this has been sorted OP.

What a bloody situation. Brilliant help from MNers on here as well.

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 12:19:02

Yes brilliant, the other night I felt so low and totally alone and then I got thinking about all those messages and felt secure. I have googled the Freedom P and am going to purchase it / turn over a new leaf!!!

yay for Mumsnet smile

Jux Sat 28-Apr-12 12:38:08

Good on you Lilac!

timetoask Sat 28-Apr-12 12:40:56

Well done to you for acting quickly and not lingering on for years with this man. You are a strong woman! Xx

AIBUqatada Sat 28-Apr-12 12:59:28

I'm SO pleased for you and so relieved, Lilac. I was really worried when the first lot of police were unhelpful, and it is fantastic to hear that you have managed to get a better response from them now.

You have been strong and effective. Do congratulate yourself for managing this awful situation and getting a good result. It is sad to read you being so self-critical: you are simply a nice, kind, reasonable person who was faced with a person who was exactly the opposite of those things.

Stay strong. Don't make any concessions to this man and remember that you deserve maximum support and action from the police and any other agencies involved.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans Sat 28-Apr-12 13:01:33

I am do pleased for you. Take this as a positive step, you took control.

howmuchlonger Sat 28-Apr-12 13:18:27

I'm currently doing the freedom programme through women's aid. Brilliant,it explains everything so well and you will sit there nodding at everything in amazement! I asked them if they'd met my ex lol!
You're a brave lady op, hold your head up high x

RandomMess Sat 28-Apr-12 13:34:04

I am so glad to read your update.

All the best with the freedom programme - you deserve a positive wonderful relationship at some future point when you are truly ready for it.

clarajane1 Sat 28-Apr-12 13:36:30

Freedom programme sounds wonderful- it will keep you strong.
What you have done takes enormous courage.You should feel so proud of
yourself that you have got that monster out of your life.

Blessings x

LilacwineGirl Sat 28-Apr-12 13:46:46

Thankyou. I am truly overwhelmed at Msnet and the Biggest hearts of everyone.

captainmummy Sat 28-Apr-12 18:59:05

Well done Lilac - i am also giggling at him kicking the door down...to meet the strong arm of the law. How funny! Couldn't have been better timed

LadySybilDeChocolate Sat 28-Apr-12 19:15:41

That's really great news. Onwards and upwards! Hopefully, you'll never hear from the slime again.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Mon 30-Apr-12 10:58:22

Ah Lilac I am so happy to hear that you and your children have the house back. I LOVE the idea of his face when he was expecting to see you or a child, someone he could terrify (scaring people is obviously his thing) and instead of that - a brace of coppers with their handcuffs at the ready. Comeuppance and a half.

Do press charges if it is up to you, and don't even think about feeling sorry for him. You wouldn't stand a stranger trying to scare your kids would you?

just read this whole thread and I have to say I am so proud of you. what a fantastic strong person you are.

AIBUqatada Mon 30-Apr-12 11:30:28

I hope everything is still ok Lilac. It does sound like you have got things sorted, but remember that we are still here to support you if you do have any kind of a setback.

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