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Who should pay the travel costs re: making sure that child retains contact with non-resident parent?

(57 Posts)
legallyblonde Wed 12-May-10 12:41:14

Maybe I should have put this in the "Am I Being Unreasonable?" section instead but anyway...

My DH spends approximately £100/ month on train fares to go and collect his daughter (who lives with his ex partner) for her to spend the weekend/ holidays with us and then to take her back home again at the end of her stay.
He pays a big chunk of his income to his ex-P every month via in child support.
He and his ex-P didn't go to court to arrange residency/ contact and agreed everything amicably themselves without the need for a court order.
I know that his ex-P bears most of the burden relating to the care of the girl but she chose that and she gets all the money for it.

I am going slowly insane about the fact that legally (as far as I can remember from my family law studies - I am a solicitor but not a family law solicitor) both parents are responsible for making sure that a child retains contact with the non-resident parent i.e. not only would it be nice but also a court is quite likely to order that, every now and then, she should bring the child to stay with us and should bear some of the travel costs.

Just to give you an idea how that mother treats us: she now wants us to have the child for the whole summer holidays because otherwise she "would have to pay for child care." I'm not kidding!!
My partner refuses to challenge her on anything because she has threatened to stop him from seeing his daughter (Yes - really!)

Please can someone advise me what the legal situation is here and how best to resolve it because I am about to blow my top and give that mother a piece of my mind! Grrr!

GypsyMoth Fri 14-May-10 16:00:13

again,how old id dd??

so,you'd go to court and pay all the expenses asociated with it,time off work,childcare etc...for the sake of saving £50 a month in travel costs????

try www.wikivorce.com forums where you'll see that its not common for an nrp to get this new arrangement you want.....particularly as its been this way for so long and now YOU want to move the goalposts.

I feel so sorry for your dsd. I can't believe that you are willing to risk your husbands relationship with her for the sake of £25 a week. I can't imagine he's too keen on that idea, and if £25 is more important to him than his daughter then why are you having a child with him? That poor girl, she probably already feels unwelcome in your home and that is only going to get worse when your child is born. If you can't accept that your husband has baggage and responsibilities outside of your relationship, why the hell did you marry him?

mjinhiding Fri 14-May-10 19:21:47

I came on here hoping to help, but tbh I cant see anything than you being unreasonable

I am a step mum - DHs ex is deranged, we spent 2 years in court fighting to see DSD, he would absolutely LOVE the opportunity to have her for the whole of the school holidays and would move heavn and earth to do so, including taking unpaid leave, and I would fully support him in that, even though we are broke.

It cost over 10k in the first year, he self repped in the second.

Imagine for example you are there with your £180 an hour solicitor, travel time, 2 hors in court with all the hanging around, thats half the travel costs for a year, assuming there are no further hearings.

I would say there is a lot more going on than you have posted in this thread, for you to be so bitter.

FWIW DH always collects and drops of DSD, hell would freeze over before her mother helped him see her.

You should count your lucky stars that your DH has an ok relationship with his ex because the things you are posting about are nothing compared to what some of us go through.

As mum to 3, step parent to 3, 1 of them part time, 1 full time and 1 estranged, I know that step parenting and all the encumbent emotions, are a lot harder to deal with than parenting your own child, come and join us on the step parenting forum, vent your frustrations away, honestly it has been my lifeline and saved me from a nervous breakdown.

Webuyanycardotcom Sat 15-May-10 09:32:12

Going to court is just going to put a bomb in the middle of everyone's relationships. Given how you describe their parting, if you think it can happen without mud slinging then you are very naive. You're already aware that she may stop contact yet you seem determined to press ahead.

I don't understand it. I get that it's hugely frustrating when things aren't "fair" (although I think in this case it's not unreasonable for you to bear all the costs), I get that it's hugely frustrating when one party behaves badly, when there's no negotiation over things. I've been there. But you have to pick your battles and if it's not that important (and I don't think this is) you just have to let it go IMO. It doesn't help your dsd to have the most important people in her life fighting over her.

And I think it's really sad that after 8 years you refer to your dsd as "the child".

mjinhiding Sat 15-May-10 09:40:38

i thought about this more last night, i think that your fixation on 1 relatively minor thing is a symptom of your frustration at your lack of control generally, that dhs ex, through dsd is controlling so much of your husbands time and money

there are battles worth fighting, believe me, this isnt 1 of them

Sweetassugar85 Fri 24-May-13 15:17:27

What everyone is telling you is basically sit down and shut up! How dare you have feelings or thoughts!!
I on the other hand totally agree with you! And quite honestly if you are expecte to have her for the holidays and pay child ate And still pay child maintenance during this time it's absolutely taking the p*ss !!! And anyone that says otherwise is definitely the mother doing this kindof thing! Your husband needs to grow a pair and realise this can't go on!! You need to discuss this with him, if he is a family with you then you should be considered! And we'll if she stopped his child seeing him because of this he would be cutting her nose off to spite he face now would t she! As she would then have to pay for childcare over the summer and would also haveno one to have her every other weekend!

PatriciaHolm Fri 24-May-13 15:50:58

Another zombie thread! How do these things get found??

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