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Emotionally and Financially Abusive Ex-P - will I get a settlement?

(8 Posts)
theansweris42 Sun 03-Apr-16 12:03:17

Looking for some support/encouragement.

In late 2013 I finally got away from financially and emotionally abusive ex of 20 years - I had to get our 2 DC back (then 3 and 4) from another country to do it. Ex-P followed a few months later , even though we'd agreed to return to return at that time originally.

He now says this was me "taking" the DC and he had to finish his job - however he also went on holiday to see parts of that country we had not seen and stopped at a diving destination on the way back to the UK. He is still awful and lies and is very negative about me.

I have been out of work and on benefits and then from mid 2015 I have had a job and am OK for money. However I have unsecured debt from when Ex-P would not give me enough money to look after DC and he had a period out of (his very lucrative) work and I had to cover all bills - including childcare while he was off.

I also had time out to be a SAHM (loss of income, Ex-P only gave me money for food etc while I was off - I had to beg even for haircut for DC) and have had to "restart" myself in my job.

He had two properties in London. He had to sell one to sort out a tax bill. He has a property worth a lot which he says "is his pension".

In Dec 2014 we attempted mediation which went nowhere.
I have been to a solicitor now that I am working but the fees are hard/impossible to find.

I would like a settlement with ref to my being the home parent therefore
(1) no income, total spending of savings and maternity pay on still paying half of everything as ex-P required
(2) debts arising from the time ex-P out of work but was also working with contractors to improve the property he still has (ie he had plenty of money)
(3) debts arising from the times he was giving me a weekly sum which didn't cover everything (eg I paid Drs fees on cred card)
(4)zero/low maintenance when he was looking for work during 2014
(5) not being part of property ownership even though was family home and I did contribute always to mortgage and bills and so on and even though ex-P told me this would happen
(6) paying for all childcare when I worked part time and when he chose not to work

I simply want to pay off debt and have a deposit for a house for DC
I have paid solicitor c £1500 to look at everything - now, the next invoice is the same amount again for final work and a Barrister to have a look.

Ex-P will make things awful and try to make out I have stolen the DC, had an affair (just got married) which is untrue and the whole process will be bad.
And I am worried that if I find this money there's still not much hope because we weren't married.

His current stance is why should he give me and new husband money? But this all relates to long before...I have already said to him I can keep any house deposit in boys name doesn't have to be in new husband's.
Would I have the right to get the file from the solicitor if I went direct to a barrister?

Does the fact I have now married mean I have to just put up with the debt he got me into and with renting forever as he never allowed me to be on deeds even though I paid half the mortgage?

Is it worth it? I am in financial bad way but can survive, but cannot buy a property or get rid of debt which his abuse caused. Any views/experience would be really welcome.

Collaborate Sun 03-Apr-16 12:15:42

If you're getting properly advised at a cost of £3000 I suggest you pay heed to it. If you could have got decent advice from your solicitor having given them the information in your OP then your bill would only be £100.

You sound like you're after a divorce-type settlement, when you weren't in fact married. Any claim you make must be based on the needs of the child (under Schedule 1 of the Children Act) or a civil claim based on a debt that is payable.

theansweris42 Sun 03-Apr-16 12:18:58

collaborate I am wanting a settlement to cover some of the debt he caused yes - had not thought of a civil claim
I want the money for a house to safely and permanently house the DC and would be OK to have the sum in their name or something similar?
does your post mean I've already overpaid at £1.5K? Their advice is to go to court under schedule 1.

Collaborate Sun 03-Apr-16 14:23:39

I'm not saying you've overpaid. It's just that you can only take a very simplistic look at a situation on a forum such as this. You're far better off trusting the advisors you've got getting it right. They have far more information you can post on here.

theansweris42 Sun 03-Apr-16 15:48:33

thanks collaborate am nervous about the further outlay - I'll ring them and speak with them

Fidelia Sun 03-Apr-16 16:23:00

I think that even if you were married to him, you haven't really got a case. And you were only partners, not spouses.
Going through your points
1) Normal relationship cost that you consented to at the time. He owes you nothing for this
2) You consented to this at the time and had no agreement that he would pay you back. He owes you nothing for this
3) Unless you had a written agreement that he would pay half of all such costs, then it's your debt, not his.
4) Someone out of work is only expected to pay minimal child maintenance. And you needed to claim it via the CSA/CMS at the time, you cannot backdate it.
5) You weren't narriued so had no claim on the home. You could have chosen to be tenants in common of joint tenants, but you decided not to. That was an expensive mistake because it does mean that you have no share in the house
6) It would be considered a normal relationship cost, especially as he had no income. And if this happened after your split, then without a court order for the costs to be split, you have no basis four claiming out off him

Also, you're now married. That counts against you too.

The only thing you're likely to be entitled to is child maintenance and you'd be expected to get the CMS to enforce that, not the courts.

I know this all sucks. He lived off you and you're in debt now because of it. But even though it's morally shady, chances are very high that you would pay a lot of money to be told the same thing by can court

Fidelia Sun 03-Apr-16 16:23:42

*a court, not *can court

theansweris42 Sun 03-Apr-16 16:48:01

thanks Fidelia for your thoughts. I suppose my points are the moral argument and the things that BURN. The times he was out of work he had thousands and thousands in the bank.
In the end I left because of this financial abuse so at least i got away albeit with nothing.
I will ask solicitor again about the schedule A argument which is what we are working on it is just a lot of money if it doesn't have a positive outcome for the DC

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