Who gets the children when I die? DV bio father ex or current partner or extended family?

[BangaloreStories]

I have two primary school age children. Their father is totally absent for 4 years now. I have a partner of 3 years, but we don't live together, and I can't see that happening in the next few years either.

Neither of us own property, and he has no children of his own.

The children have known my partner since the youngest was a baby, and they both call him Daddy. He spends enough time with us including holidays, for them to have made that bond with him. They are aware of the distinction between him and their bio father. They're not confused as to who's who.

When I die, what happens to the children?
Can their absent father just come along and remove them from their life, their schools, their out of school social and academic clubs, their extended family (Nan, Aunts, Uncle, cousins all live in the same town or within 5 miles).

I have 3 siblings. Each in their own way doesn't have capacity to take on more children. One sibling has grown almost adult children and they're the relatives who have barely any contact with my children.
The other sibling is already inundated with a blended family and their house couldn't cope with 2 more practically, they're also in a different town, and they struggle as it is with childcare and finances.
The other sibling is mentally unstable and not viable.
My Mum may well be not around if I were to die soon, or later, and if it was sooner, she would just ward the children off to the unstable sibling, even if I requested to the contrary.

My partner and I have lightly discussed my concern, and he's said he'd be there for them, but to be honest, I have been with him for 3 years and he's never shown any sign of wanting further commitment with me in terms of marriage, living together and so on, so I'm not relying on him.

I've been thinking of asking him if he'd attend a will signing with me, where I ask for him and my blended family sibling - as they're the most sensible people I know - to take on joint responsibility for making the best decision for the children in the event of my death.

But what a responsibility...they both know their bio father is not a safe contender nor my mentally unstable sibling, and the other sibling who's too distant in terms of location and relationship from the children.

You may wonder why my partner whom the children consider Daddy couldnt take them on.
My partner is self employed. He could possibly work around the childcare issues and school runs and out of school activities, and I'm confident the children would grow up well rounded and loved with him, and I expect if they are still around my Mum would help with some emergency childcare - although she isn't currently that reliable or hugely involved with them to be honest.
But his life would change massively from being on his own in a rented bachelor pad (he hates that term!) to having time somewhere larger as he'd need a two bedroom place, and later a three bedroom as they couldn't share as teenagers. With all the tax credits and child benefits and so on he could just about afford to move home, but mostly it's the massive change of lifestyle, to go from being a bachelor padder to a family man overnight if I died.

Also, there is some savings. If I died and the children's bio father took them as their next of kin, my money would presumably be held intrust until they're 18, but as he's a manipulative ex DV partner, I know he would steal that money for himself. He would convince them to give it to him to buy wholesale stock he can re-sell, or to pay for repairs to his house which he'd actually fritter on piles of timber and carpeting he'd board away and not even use, that sort of thing.

To summarise, how would you arrange for your the children's care under these circumstances? Should I make my partner and sensible sibling my joint executors and leave it to them to decide? How can I avoid my DV ex getting hold of the children's financial inheritance, assuming there is any by the time I die?

[mistymeanour]

You need to see a solicitor for good advice about this - it's complicated.
Would you be able to afford to take out some life insurance or term assurance (cheaper) and nominate the children as the beneficiaries and name some trustees - so that childcare costs, housing etc for whoever takes responsibility for them could be covered and there may be a residual inheritance for them. I think even if you name a guardian in your will that social services still make an assessment about who is responsible for your DC. Is your ex named on the birth certificates and thus has parental responsibility?

I took out some term assurance (like life insurance but is time limited and so cheaper) when my Dc were toddlers which finishes when I am 65 (DC will be in their 20's/30's). If I die before I am 65 there will be a substantial payout- which gave me peace of mind about how our nominated guardian would be able to afford to care for them.

[AnyoneForTennis]

What about the fathers extended family?

Anyway, a will is just an idea of your choices, ultimately social services and a judge make the final decision

[BangaloreStories]

The fathers extended family consist of his childless brother in his 50s, who is incommunicado with his brother because of his DV actions in the past, and one cousin also in her mid 50s with adopted children of her own, who has never met my children, and some very aged Aunts in their 70s/80s.

They all live hundreds of miles from where my children currently are.

Misty Yes, he has PR on both children's birth certs.m
The term assurance policy sounds interesting I'll investigate that I think, Thankyou.

But yes, the fact a named guardian could still be superseded if social services were involved is worrying, as evenwith his DV past their bio father could still be nominated, or my own mother (who would then ward them to my mentally unstable sister I'd guarantee she would).

[AnyoneForTennis]

Well if he's turned himself around then dad would be the obvious choice. Was the dv documented?

[BangaloreStories]

'Turned himself around' He's still doing it 6 years later

What do you mean by documented?

[nooka]

Technically you can nominate anyone you like to be a guardian. My big sister had three separate guardians for her three children for a while, reflecting their different needs (all adults now), and two were friends rather than family. She made sure we all knew what the plan was and it seemed very carefully thought through.

Savings in trusts can't be just accessed by anyone. If your ex isn't the trustee then he wouldn't be able to touch it, regardless as to whether the children lived with him or not. You would need a trustee that you could completely trust, but again no need for it to be family. Might be a good role for your partner perhaps.

I don't think that social services have any involvement if you have properly appointed guardians in your will. It's only if you die intestate, didn't appoint a guardian or if that appointment is challenged that the courts decide.

You don't have to have anyone there when you make your will btw. dh is his father's executor and I was one of my fathers and I don't recall either of us doing anythign other than agreeing that it was OK.