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Separation advice for brother?

(8 Posts)
Evabeaversprotege Sat 16-May-15 09:13:11

Hi, I'm trying to help my brother following the breakdown of his marriage but he's mentally not in a very good place.

I know it's instinctive of us to "take the side" of our own kin but I'll try to give as much unbiased info as I can.

He & his wife were married ten years, no children. They lived very rurally (near her home place about 90 miles away from where he previously lived) & he drove about 60 miles a day to work. She never worked since they married.

For about a year, his wife kept leaving & going to stay with her mother, returning any time she felt like it, sometimes staying at home for weeks, other times picking up clean clothes & going again.

We only recently became aware of his situation due to distance & the fact he would still visit our parents on the way home from work without his wife anyway. Since we have found out we have been trying to help & advise him.

A few weeks ago he was in bed & had the doors locked from the inside. His wife's mother drove her to their house where they smashed pots with flowers in. When db opened the door his wife scratched his face. He didn't call the police.

The next day she returned, he had the door locked fearing for his safety, again she smashed glass in the back door. This week she smashed glass in the front door & said when he lets her in she'll break his neck.

He won't phone the police. But he has since received a solicitors letter saying he is blocking access to the house. (I know she left more times than enough, is she still able to come & go as she pleases?) she wants access to get her stuff which is fair enough, but is it ok if he requests a 3rd party (neutral). The letter says if he refuses access she'll apply for an occupancy order - what is this?

I'm sorry this is long, this is all new to us & at the minute we're advising him to go to a solicitor on Monday & sort it sll out, but realistically she's going to return this weekend & break more stuff.

What can he do if he fears for his own safety, he said if he phones police he's afraid of wasting their time as its domestic.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

Quitelikely Sat 16-May-15 09:21:31

He is being unreasonable by not allowing her to get her belongings.

You should certainly go there when she next returns, you may well have your eyes opened to what is really going on.

She really is entitled to that home. He's never going to get it from a judge. Can he buy her out?

An occupation order will allow her to reside in the house.

Quitelikely Sat 16-May-15 09:27:48

And op if I was locked out of my home unable to get my belongings I might smash a plant pot too!

Evabeaversprotege Sat 16-May-15 09:31:22

I wasn't asking if I was being unreasonable - I didn't post in that area.

He locked the doors for his own safety, he will give her access but with a third party.

I have been in the house with both of them previously, the night she left (second last time) it was me who drove her to her mums house.

I have told him it's illegal to change the locks, he hasn't changed the locks. He wants to let her in for her stuff with a guarantee she won't harm him.

Evabeaversprotege Sat 16-May-15 09:33:25

Does it seem fair that he sits in his home, doors unlocked, whilst a woman who said she's going to kill him can enter at any time, I guess that's what I'm asking?

Like I say, he hadn't seen a solicitor yet.

Evabeaversprotege Sat 16-May-15 09:58:10

He doesn't want the house - but I'm interested to hear you say he will never get it, can you explain?

She doesn't want the house either, it's going on the market, any profit (unlikely to be any) will be split and they'll go their separate ways.

newbieman1978 Sat 16-May-15 10:45:10

Of course he is right to lock her out if she is being violent. If this was a man doing similar everyone would be saying lock him out!

However your brother needs to get the police involved and do things by the book. Maybe a quiet word from the local police might be enough to calm his wife down.

If your brother genuinely needs to keep his wife out of the property then he needs to go down the correct route ie court.

The best option would be for him to arrange for her to come get her stuff and have a third party there to look out for him. I'm sure his wife wouldn't get out of control if others were present.

He then needs to get the house on the market and sold ASAP... And thank his lucky stars that he's dodged a bullet there.

Evabeaversprotege Sat 16-May-15 11:02:29

Thanks newbie, it's the neutral third party he's troubled about - where do you get such a person & is it wasting police time asking them to escort her?

I'm actually concerned for both of them, you don't stop caring for someone whose been in your family for more than ten years.

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