Going against a court order again!!!

[Asteria]

I was wondering if anyone had any specific advice regarding how my DH can deal with his ExW repeatedly going against their court order?
In the specific details it was stipulated that there was only to be relevant communications and absolutely no personal attacks. DH has been receiving increasingly abusive and threatening communications from his exW and her fiancee since he was forced to reduce maintenace payments (we were on reduced pay for 6 months, havent been paid at all since November and are now living on soon to be maxed out credit cards. We cant even afford to heat our house!!). DH is devastated that he has been unable to contribute towards his children due to our failing business, but there is nothing we can do about it, which he has apologised for and explained to her on numerous occasions. We are confident that losing his relatively small contribution to her household income for a few months is not going to cause them any undue financial issues, especially as she recently returned to work. Her response has been to threaten to tell the children details about his life before they were married (she already slates DH, my DS and myself to the children regularly) and sending mass essay length barrages of abuse to him. She refuses to believe him, but also refuses to go to the csa as she believes that we are lying about the financial situation (something she did when she hid £50k+ in the divorce, so i imagine she is just judging him by her own standards...)
As a slight aside... One particular issue that was raised in the court order was that we were unhappy with her and her partner threatening to smack the children as a means of discipline - saying that even the threat of violence was unacceptable. DSD and DSS have both expressed fears before and after the Court Hearing and both myself and DH have tried to reassure them that "grown ups are not allowed to smack children". DH's exW has told us this morning that we are undermining her forms of discipline and that she will continue to threaten to smack them, but what do you do when a child is shaking and crying with fear that they will be smacked by another person? There is a strong history of her emotionally abusing the children, but we have found that there is next to nothing that we can do about it.
Sorry for the essay, we are so upset about this. DH's grandmother has just died, we are in financial crisis and may lose our house, DH is devastated by the whole situation and I am having a really horrendous fibromyalgia relapse from all the stress she is piling onto an already tricky situation.

[Asteria]

shameless bump!

[tracyreader]

I have no particular legal advice, but don't want to read and run. My sympathies, this sounds like a ghastly situation. I presume in terms of the abusive communications you could follow the advice given on other threads here about going back to court when, say, the other parent refuses to follow contact times?

And of course, document, document, document, keep records of these messages and when they started, etc, in case you need to go for a restraining order.

On a more practical level, how is she and her fiancé communicating these threats? And can you cut those way of communications off? Eg: tell her to communicate with anything about the children via email, block her and her ex's phone numbers, if necessary get a friend/relative to read her emails for you to see if there's anything you need to know about the kids. If she's abusing you when you hand the kids over, minimise contact at that time, etc.

On the communicating with your kids about smacking, you say it was raised in the court order: what did the court order say? Did the court order say you couldn't tell the kids that their mum is not allowed to smack them? That you can't disparage each others' parenting styles? Or did the court order say that the mum is not allowed to smack them?

[STIDW]

Has the children's school or their GP expressed any concerns about the children's welfare?

Unfortunately you can't always rely on children's behaviour or what they say. Sometimes they contribute to disputes between separated parents say by telling the parent what the child thinks they want to hear or behaving in a way they think will meet with the parent's approval. For some children even reuniting their parents in argument is better than excepting the reality of family breakdown. Mild smacking remains permitted in the home, by means of a 'reasonable chastisement' defence to the crime of common assault.

Having said that if there is evidence of child abuse or neglect it's better to be safe rather than sorry and report it to Social Services.

Often the best way to stop abusive and threatening communications is to not react to them. Communicate only by email, identify what has to answered in the way of practicalities and ignore all the hot air. Usually it is better to sit on something for at least a few days and ideally a week before responding in a polite and business like way. Initially the abuse and threats may get worse, but if the behaviour doesn't invoke a reaction it usually stops. If not your husband could seek an injunction using the exchange of messages as evidence of pestering or harassment and that he has been reasonable.

As far as the children are concerned your husband needs to listen to them, but you both need to ensure you don't react to any negative stories they tell about the ex or her new partner. Children need at least one parent to forgo the determination of "who is right and who is wrong" and put their interests first. Instead the children need to be reassured that no matter what he will love them and your door is always open. IT's important they spend some time with your husband alone. Your husband could remind the children of the good time they had together when they were a family by sharing stories and photos. He can teach them generally to make up their own minds rather than believe everything they are told.

[Asteria]

thank you both for your responses.
All of the abuse at the moment is via email, we have actually received another since my last post that has taken on an even more sinister form. She is now making serious libellous statements about him attempting to murder their DS when he was a baby and being an emotionally and physically abusive husband amongst other things - I was amazed that anyone could write that sort of thing down. Worse still she is threatening to "tell the children exactly what sort of a father you really are" (all of which is entirely fictitious and can only serve to damage the children even more) if he doesn't pay her more maintenance. She launched this email hours before DH picked up the DSC from school - which seems to be her prime time for being vile.
He picks up and drops off at school for contact weekends to minimise seeing her, during the holidays the court has ordered 50/50 travel but she is refusing to keep up her side of that.
DH takes time to do "daddy time" with each of his DC individually which they both absolutely love, as does he. I also take my DS away for a few days each holiday so that we can have some individual time together.
We are very aware of the sensational stories that they tell, sadly the other side take them at face value and flips out whereas we just help ourselves to another pinch of salt.
I genuinely feel sorry for her. No person with that amount of bile and hatred can be happy. sadly she seems hell bent on taking the DSC down with her

[PotteringAlong]

Go to the police and register the threats, especially if she's accusing him of attempted murder.

[Asteria]

one of our best friends is in the Police and has recently moved into the child protection unit - he dropped in to collect his son earlier and is coming back when the DSC aren't here to discuss the problems properly. He was pretty horrified though and he is the least shockable person we know!
There was SS trail brought up during the court thing last year, however DH's exW claimed that she had no idea about it at the time and CAFCASS basically took the line that she wasn't stubbing fags out on them so they weren't interested. From what we could work out at the time the children were both referred for therapy and she didn't take them. DH was shocked as he had no idea till he arrived in court.

[tracyreader]

There's an old saying: "A man will sometimes forgive someone who wronged him, but never someone that he wronged." So, one possible reason that she's being like this is that she's feeling guilty over how she treated your DH in the divorce (with hiding £50k) and trying to get away from those feelings by turning your DH into someone terrible who deserves everything she did to him. In other words, it's about her, not you.

There's a lot of resources like websites and books on parenting "with" a high-conflict ex. Maybe search for "parallel-parenting"?

[Asteria]

Totally get what you are saying Traceyreader - she has demonised him into a complete monster and cut off all mutual friends, probably so that her new partner doesn't ever hear alternative stories. The majority if things that she has accused him of are things that she has actually done!