ex refusing to see children but is taking me to court for joint physical custody. help.

[wuckfit]

we are not married, we have had 3 mediation sessions and each one he has failed to stick to the agreement.

he wants 50/50 joint physical custody of our two children aged 3 and 1. we split up in November youngest has been with me 90 percent of the time since being 5 months old.

I have not denied access in any way and have offered every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend Friday to Sunday. he is now refusing to see them until after court. I do.not feel joint custody will be in any way good for the children as I feel they need a permanent home and stability not being moved from pillar to post every 3 days.

can anyone give any insight as to what might happen please?

[LurcioAgain]

Bumping in hope someone with useful experience comes along. Sounds horrid OP, both the situation and him.

[wuckfit]

thanks yes he is being very awkward

[Purplewithred]

If he is so keen to have the children 50:50 why is he refusing to see them until you go to court? Do you have a court date? Do you think he really wants them 50:50 or is it about money?

If it's genuine desire to have an equal relationship with his children then really, why not? Others have managed 50:50 arrangements especially for preschoolers or older children (agree it gets messy for primary age kids)

[ILoveTIFFANY]

Is he being extra cautious and not seeing them in order to not be accused of anything that could be thrown at him in court?

[wuckfit]

no court date has been set, he lives with his dad, my ex and both children sleep all sleep in the same bed when he has them. which impacts when they come home as it takes a few days for them to settle back into being in their own room. trying to sleep train my youngest and having to start again when he comes back from exs house.

he can't stick to 1 night a week so I am very doubtful he will stick to 50/50 (when better offers cone up ge drops them at the drop of a hat eg nights out)

[MumOfTheMoos]

So, how far away does he live?
Are you still bfing your DC2?
Have you got any concerns around their safety with him?

Is he abusive or just an awkward sod?

When he says joint custody, what does he mean - every other week or what?

I always find it weird when people refuse to see their own children - I would walk over coals to see my DS, I certainly wouldn't use that as a bargaining chip and I can't see that that approach will reflect well on him if it goes to court. It sounds like a control thing around you rather than an honest desire to have joint custody.

1 seems a little young to be doing anything else but 1 or 2 nights overnight so I would stick to your guns about that.

I know that you want to keep them close to you I understand that but if you can have a think about exactly what you're concerned about and break it down. So, you need to think about your specific concerns around his proposals, rather than it being a big too much in a general sense.

The bottom line is though, unless they are at risk when with him, you are going to have to share the care of them with him. The most he is going to have them is 50% of the time, so work back from that being the worst that can happen. So, then call his bluff and stick to your guns as long as you can be specific around why it should be less than joint 50/50.

[wuckfit]

he lives 5 minutes away, refusing to pay any money, apart from when he followed me round the supermarket checking what I put in the trolley, anything that he thought I would eat had to go back.

[wuckfit]

he wants a routine of 2-2-3. they need stability and a permanent base.

[Snapespeare]

He wants to not pay child maintenance, is what he wants.

[MumOfTheMoos]

Well then this is all about you and controlling you and nothing to do about actually wanting to look after his children 50% of the time.

Good advice to keep records of all communication, plus keep a diary about weird things like following you around the supermarket.

If he wants joint custody then he will need to provide them with a separate bedroom I would imagine.

Money is unfortunately not relevant to custody but in any case if he is not contributing then you need to go to the CSA - perhaps he's doing this to avoid paying money?

[wuckfit]

I have already been to CSA and they have advised him to pay or they will take it out of his bank and he will get charged 20 percent on top of this, but still no payment, I am looking after children 24/7 working part time all bills everything is in order, I just don't see how 50/50 custody will work when he hasn't stuck to any mediation agreements.

will the mediator provide a report?

[MumOfTheMoos]

I agree that sounds very unsettling and given his refusal to see them and his lack of proper accommodation for them I would say that he's not 'embodying his narrative' and I expect the family courts are quite experienced in spotting someone more interested in getting out of child support payments. Like I said, if this was really about his children he would not be refusing to see them.

Go to court, hold your ground, give them all the evidence you can about his actual behaviour as opposed to what he says he wants and be really clear for your reasons for wanting your suggestions - which are pretty reasonable.

[MumOfTheMoos]

I don't know if the mediator will provide a report, can you ask them?

But there's nothing to stop you writing down what was offered, what was agreed and what actually happened and what he did afterwards. Focus on facts, what he did regarding his children etc

[wuckfit]

he is also saying if I start seeing anyone he will remove the children from my care, apparently his solicitor has told him he can like I have time to start dating let alone meet anyone. he has had a harassment warning from the police for threatening texts and abusive language used infront of the children.

[MumOfTheMoos]

And do you believe the courts would remove your children from their sole carer because they took the perfectly legal and reasonable step of going on a date? He's lying to you; his solicitor said nothing of the sort!

My ExH tried to tell me that he had the right to the value of half the house (that I had bought and paid for) after less than a years marriage irrespective of the fact that there was a 90% mortgage!

If he is being abusive, if there is any element of domestic violence then you should be able to get legal aid around any custody arrangements - can you make an appointment with CAB to get clarity around your situation?

This man is trying to bully you; ignore him, he's pathetic. Just focus on your evidence.

[voiceofgodot]

My ex did this too - he admitted it was because he didn't want to 'give in' to a status quo that would potentially go against him by the time we got to court (I was also offering similar EOW plus additional extra contact as could be made to work but with their main 'base' being at home with me primary carer).

I was told repeatedly by my lawyer and others that his refusal demonstrated instantly that he was not capable of putting the children first. He will be given short shrift for it by a judge.