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Will PR be granted? Please give advice.

(203 Posts)
Olafsmum Thu 24-Apr-14 17:33:04

Hi previously in court once (directions hearing I think its called). ex wants contact of our 8 month old DC and to be on the birth certificate.
He has seen DC a handful of times, doesn't pay maintenance, I haven't claimed it, and I don't want it but he has brought gifts numerous times and posted some odds and ends.
I am not allowing contact unless it is at contact centre. I would like reports of him bonding with dc and I don't understand why he is interested. (He is engaged, she has a child I believe they are trying for one of their own)
In court last time we agreed contact centre and that I add him to the birth certificate. I haven't added him. And he hasn't had any contact at all as he couldn't afford the transport or contact centre costs (would cost him £90 a session - low income I believe.)
He has been in contact a lot indirectly, sent gifts asks for photos daily. But I still do not want any less than contact centre. I don't want to be around him, feels like he flaunts his happy life infront of me and I cant be doing with it while struggling to keep my own relationship together tbh.

So what is likely to happen now in court please? I am self representing and very nervous. Is it likely he is to be granted contact outside of a contact centre? He hasn't done anything towards me or dc... and is being nice. Will I be forced to add him to the birth certificate now?
Cafcass checks have come back clear for both sides - if that helps?

PatriciaHolm Thu 24-Apr-14 18:15:25

This isn't about you, it's about your son's right to have contact with his father I'm afraid. From what you have said, there seems little reason courts will insist on contact centre - he's no danger to the child, and at this age, contact little and often is normally advised to help bonding. Is there anyone else who can help with handovers etc?

If both of you have accepted he is the father, then he won't have any issues getting a court direction to be on the birth certificate either, which will give him PR.

Given he seems persistent and determined to have contact with his son, perhaps mediation with a view to determining acceptable contact and maintenance might be the way forward?

i don't understand why he is interested

Because he's his father! Why are you being so difficult?!

This is about your child, not about you.

mumblechum1 Thu 24-Apr-14 18:20:05

He is very very likely to get Parental Responsibility and unsupervised contact to be brutally frank.

I think you need to work on making the necessary arrangements to give your son contact to his dad, and on seeing it as that way round, not you "giving" contact against your wishes.

nomoretether Thu 24-Apr-14 18:23:08

He isn't a risk to your child? Then no, he will not be forced to stay in a contact centre. They are a short term solution and if he isn't a risk to your child he shouldn't be in one at all. He doesn't have to prove to you that he has bonded with his own child and I think you'd be making a mistake to go down that route. He is "interested" because he is his flesh and blood - even if he has moved on and made a new life with someone else.

To be honest it sounds more like you need some help dealing with your issues. It sounds like it's really painful for you and that is understandable. You are an adult and you need to make it so that your issues don't get in the way of your child's relationship with his father because in the long run, it's possible (I'd say likely) that your son will be angry with you for getting in the way of things. You should claim maintenance really - if you don't want it, put it in savings for your son.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 24-Apr-14 18:23:51

My goodness!

Well you are going to have to suck up however you feel about him and get over it. He is the child's father like you are the mother. Its not for you to decide whether the child knows/sees his father. Quite frankly i am amazed you were granted contact centre contact! He should be able to see his son at his house on his own.

3xcookedchips Thu 24-Apr-14 18:27:59

Hos is this man meant to be able to bond with his son, if all you are doing in finding ways to obstruct him.

Fair enough you don't want to be around him, you don't have to be but your son deserves two parents in his life not one wielding power and control and that's how you come across I'm afraid.

Will I be forced to add him to the birth certificate now?

Fortunately, you don't have the power of veto. What do you think you will lose if he is?

If there are no welfare concerns, I'm interested to know why you insisted on a contact centre? Trust me no father wants to be there.

MrsDeVere Thu 24-Apr-14 18:29:29

To clarify, are your reasons for not wanting him on the bc and to have contact because you are jealous of his relationship?
There are no issues around safety or violence of any sort?

I understand wanting control over contact at first if your child does not know his father.

But that has to be short term surely?

He is going to get PR and contact.

You need to put your child first.

ItsNotATest Thu 24-Apr-14 18:32:07

Haven't you posted about this before?

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 24-Apr-14 18:57:25

With a bit of luck the judge will give him lots of unsupervised access.

This is not about you but your child. Can you imagine telling your DC "no daddy doesnt see you as i dont like him so made it very impossible for him to be your father".

nomoretether Thu 24-Apr-14 19:18:16

It doesn't sound like you've really thought this through to be honest.

Imagine a little boy growing up because his father had died or walked away. Imagine how sad that would be. Then imagine that little boy realising he barely knew his father not because of death or abandonment but because his own mother had done everything she could to prevent them from knowing eachother. I work with children in this situation and from my experience I think you'd have a very angry boy on your hands.

Parents offer different things to a child. He won't replace you and neither will his fiancee. You really need to get some help - I'd recommend looking on the BACP website for a counsellor to help you talk through how you're feeling. If nothing else you're going to need supporting through the next stage which could be that your son is allowed contact with his father overnight every other weekend, time in the week and longer for holidays. CAFCASS are likely to recommend a transition period, increasing contact from what it is to what it should be, but be under no illusions that your son will get significantly more contact with his father than he currently has.

balia Thu 24-Apr-14 19:34:21

If you have not done something you said you would you have undermined your own word somewhat. The court can award him PR anyway, without his name on the BC. He can then apply to reregister the DC 'without the cooperation of the mother' by filling in a form for GRO.

If there are no Cafcass concerns then the focus of the court hearing will be to ensure that DC start to get to know his/her father. Is there a family member that could supervise him? Or a free/low cost contact centre at a reasonable distance? You can use the NACC website to find one. In the long run, based on what you have posted, he will get unsupervised contact, and in all likelihood overnight contact. I would suggest that the less you co-operate, the less control you will have over how that happens; and of course that will be worse for the DC, in the sense that conflict between parents is very damaging.

Cowgirlttc Thu 24-Apr-14 20:11:20

He isnt from around here and his parents are no longer alive, He lives around 15miles away. He is intimidated by my family (they had a row while we were together) and they dont get on so drop offs from my family are a no go. I think he is dead set against contact centre though, doesn't like idea of it and claims he has done nothing wrong and doesn't see why I am treating him like an abuser.
I have not posted before on this topic.

I am not jealous as such, I just don't want their life coming first, we weren't together long and I found out I was pregnant after we split. I have had a hard time as my on off relationship has obviously been strained due to having another mans baby.
I just feel I don't know him. I don't want him to know about my life either though. I don't believe he is of any harm to DS. I just want to know he is going to be ok with him. He hasn't had a baby or been around babies, so wont know what to do.
I feel he should be committed longer before being granted rights. I don't want him telling me what I can and cant do with DS. I understand it must be hard for him, not having a say about anything to do with DS.
I just feel he should show MORE commitment and interest. Sending an email a day just doesn't seem like much to me.
I wont lie, I have hoped he would have gone away by now and left us to it. I don't like how my life has worked out, and I would never have dreamed to have had a baby in a broken home from day of BFP.

Cowgirlttc Thu 24-Apr-14 20:13:08

name changed sorry - posting this on behalf of my sister and forgot to change back.

3xcookedchips Thu 24-Apr-14 20:19:10

I'll let you in to a little secret...I didn't know how to look after a baby either, and then guess what, our baby was born and I started learning, very quickly...then again. nor did my ex and nor did you.

You haven't explained why he should be in a contact centre, from what you have said so far, this dad SHOULD NOT be in a CC.

But he can't show more interest / commitment because you won't let him!

guineapig1 Thu 24-Apr-14 20:28:07

My understanding is that there have got to be very very good reasons for a court to refuse an application for pr. Ultimately, as long as your ex is not a risk to your child then the courts are very keen to promote contact and ultimately it is likely that he will get unsupervised contact ( after perhaps a period of bonding/ supervised contact) which may well extend to overnight contact. 15 miles is nothing in the global scheme of things. The courts also factor in things like the importance of the relationship between the child and siblings and extended family. You really need to start encouraging contact or else you're at risk of bring considered "hostile" to contact which could reflect very badly on you in Court.

Olafsmum Thu 24-Apr-14 20:33:05

because I don't want to be around him.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 24-Apr-14 20:33:12

An email a day is daily contact. If you are refusing to let him see his som what else can he do except email every day? Do you want him calling you several times a day? You seem to contradict yourself.

And you really need to get over how pissed off you are that your circumstances arent what you wanted. You created this situation and now you have to get over yourself and do what is right for this child who didnt ask to be born into a 'broken home'.

Olafsmum Thu 24-Apr-14 20:34:08

whoops sent too soon.
Because I don't want to be around him and we have no one between us to monitor his contact or his contact with his family (her and her child).

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 24-Apr-14 20:34:44

"because I don't want to be around him."

Its not about you. Your son WILL want to be around his fther and you are the only one preventing that.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 24-Apr-14 20:35:23

Why does his contact need to be monitored? Is yours?

Olafsmum Thu 24-Apr-14 20:36:33

He cant call me as I haven't given him my number. He has been told to only contact me by email and not to come to my house.
I can see that I am confused/contradicting myself etc but its a hard situation.

nomoretether Thu 24-Apr-14 20:37:52

The courts are not interested in what you want, not in the slightest. They are only interested in what they believe is best for your child. They will tell you this very clearly and if you refuse to listen you will find out the hard way.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 24-Apr-14 20:38:13

Right so this man is only allowed to email you yet you say emailing daily is not enough? Are you actually for real?

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