Mumsnet has not checked the knowledge, experience or professional qualifications of anyone posting on Mumsnet Talk and cannot be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you have any serious legal concerns, we would suggest you consult a lawyer.

Mother taking son away..?

(71 Posts)
mothkin88 Sat 15-Mar-14 21:25:06

Name changed as asking for a family member...

Dad and mum are married. They live together in England and have a young son (2).

Mothers life (aside from the marriage) in England is not going well (though she has lived here for nearly 10 years and they've been together for over 8) in terms of friendships and career.

She wants to go home to Northern Ireland, but father doesn't want to go. She's had enough, she's handed in notice at work and is taking their son to Ireland to live with her family. (Marriage has been absolutely fine!) she asked him to come, due to his employment and financial responsibilities he can't leave, and doesn't want to. There's no job for him there and he doesn't want to just live with her family.

Can she just take their son?? A bit of an emergency as she is apparently leaving in 2 weeks. He is devastated.

Anything he can do, at all?? Seems a bit of a grey area google wise as its still in the uk. (But clearly still a plane ride away!!) he's an amazing dad, they both work and have 50/50 care of him splitting their days off with a nanny too to cover childcare.) this will destroy him.

Anybody?

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 10:43:37

Brian I seem to have touched a nerve. What man wouldn't want to make his wife/partner happy? He can, but going with her. Or at least by compromising. What's your story Brian?

bella1968 Mon 17-Mar-14 11:01:52

Mothkin 88 I just want to say good luck to the Dad (and the Mom) because taking the child away from either parent is not good for the child. I hope that they've talked and talked about this before it got to this stage and I'm presuming that the Mom is acting as she has no other choice and feels so hopeless. However if the Dad is being a good father then he does deserve to be able to see his child whereas travelling to Ireland might add extra expense that he can't afford and the son would really miss out on living with his father too.

Can't she just go for a month or two until she starts to feel a little better then return home. Maybe in that time he could put out the feelers for a job there? I don't know what financial responsibilities that you are talking about but maybe they could investigate together what could be done? does she want to continue the marriage?? it seems very drastic to move if she's happy with the marriage.

Good luck anyway to both parties.

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Mar-14 11:07:18

He can go with her and then all three of them live a life of poverty and debt because he can't get a job. Suggest a compromise thats in the childs best interest then. I would be interested to hear your version of events.

My story? I work. My husband works. We pull together to create a secure environment for our children. Whatever we do is done in the best interests of the family. Not sure why you needed to know that really though. Since you're asking though, whats your story? Seeing as you think its ok for the wife in this scenario to do this. What made you so selfish??

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 11:26:00

I think the Irish among us might find what you've said quite offensive Brian.

Moving to Ireland doesn't mean living a life of poverty and debt. There is work there as there is everywhere else. If it is worse for the family as a whole then I'm sure they are capable of working that out for themselves. In the meantime it's NOT up to the father to make all the decisions about where they live. It has to be a joint decision and compromises have to be made. It is perfectly natural for a woman to want the support network of her family around her when she has young children and it's something to be encouraged, not denied for the sake of money and status.

I asked you about your story because you sound like a jilted, bitter man.

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Mar-14 11:41:13

Don't twist my words. I didn't say that and you know it. The op is saying that the part of ireland she is from has little work. The part of Ireland my dh is from had little work too. Which is why he moved to get work elsewhere.
And i'm not a man by the way, and certainly not bitter and twisted. Although I could understand a man (or anyone really) being bitter and twisted in the ops scenario. Not great for the child either.

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Mar-14 11:42:47

And your advice is still idiotic and one sided btw. And on that note, I'm off to work.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 12:10:14

Let's hope the work you involve doesn't involve diplomacy or negotiation Brian.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Mon 17-Mar-14 12:20:57

To be frank, the DW is being a massive bitch and is probably pulling the same "if you loooved me you'd come with me" bullshit as a pp.

So she is billy no mates (wonder why) and her career in down the shitter so she just wants to take off?

What if she goes back to Ireland and decides she still has no mates there because she is clearly a pushy mare and EA and wants to go somewhere else? The DH just follows her? Because he has to prove he loves her?

OP the DW cannot respect the DH in this relationship at all. I'd say hes better off without her as she sounds absolutely dreadful but I know his heart must be breaking. Id say there relationship is over, what she has done is unforgiveable (and if she were male some of the responses would be very different) and he needs to go to see a solicitor urgently.

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Mar-14 12:26:24

Let's hope the work you involve doesn't involve diplomacy or negotiation Brian.

Oh it absolutely does horse. Its the whole job in fact. you wouldn't be very good at it <cough>

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 13:24:23

Brian you should be at work. Let me guess... police?

dollius Mon 17-Mar-14 13:31:25

horse He has spoken to his wife. She has declared she is leaving for NI in TWO WEEKS with their son. She clearly does not want to discuss this any further or make any compromise.

This is completely unreasonable.

How would you respond if a poster came on to say "My DH has left his job and is moving 500 miles away and is taking our two-year-old DS"?

Personally, I would be horrified and would be advising her to get an order preventing him from doing that.

Therefore, this poor sod should do the same thing!

Catnuzzle Mon 17-Mar-14 13:39:34

Brian - balanced and helpful

Horse - one sided and appropriately blinkered!

Whatever the back story, the couple have reached crisis point and if the DW is off to NI and is no longer open to discussions with her DH, then the legal route is the only one available to him.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 13:42:02

Dollius you seem to know a lot more about it than OP has stated. Perhaps you know this family personally? Or perhaps you are making massive assumptions about what has been said to whom.

Perhaps OP should come back and enlighten us as to what attempts at discussion have actually taken place.

I'm with Brian on this one !

Horse so moving to Ireland with no work and no home because he "lurrrves her" is in the best interests on the child ?. Love is a wonderful thing however love doesn't put a roof over your head or food on the table.

OP I hope you friend manages to stop her taking his child, I certainly would not be following her either, weather I loved her or not !

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 13:57:41

Sorry have I walked into an MRA convention here? This is the most one sided thread I've been involved in for a long time. I'm feeling slightly ganged up on. Why do you care so much about what I think? It's not my thread.

phoenixfox Mon 17-Mar-14 14:36:21

Horse, if this man gives up his job and leaves his home to go with his wife and child to go and live with her family in a rural area of Northern Ireland, he will be making a huge sacrifice for his wife and child. They will both be giving up jobs with no guarantee that they will find more.

You say that relationships are about compromise but the wife in this situation is not making any.

If he does all this but finds he is really unhappy and wants them all to move back, will his wife be unreasonable not to "compromise" and do exactly what he wants.

I think it's a bit rich that you say you feel ganged up on when you have been rude and aggressive to Brian.

Also, maybe the reason this thread seems one sided to you is because there is an obvious right and wrong here and you are the only one who can't see that.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 14:38:50

Rude and aggressive to Brian? OK...

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Mar-14 14:49:38

Brian you should be at work. Let me guess... police?

I would love to know how you arrived at that conclusion. Do tell?

heliumheart Mon 17-Mar-14 15:04:25

horse, this is the second thread in legal recently where I've seen you give quite frankly, utterly bizarre advice in a potentially very serious situation. When you say 'ganged up on', do you mean 'everyone else has a different opinion to me'?

She is planning on leaving in two weeks whether he likes it or not. Surely it's clear as day that this has gone beyond a time to have basic talks. For you to castigate previous posters as being legally 'trigger-happy' when the stakes are so high and time so short, is extraordinary.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 15:14:37

The stakes aren't high. He can go with her.

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 15:17:29

I'm just surpised that everyone seems to know so much about the backstory. People are giving legal advice based on one post, which I think is even more extraordinary. I would prefer to wait until OP comes back to explain a little more about the situation before i give any advice at all.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Mon 17-Mar-14 15:18:47

I'm finding it bizarre that Horse seems to think the courts are going to be all in favour of the DW.

The fact that the DW is clearly unstable in that she is willing to just ditch her DH, upheave her poor child and take it away from its father, friends and other family just because, poor diddums, she has no friends and her career isn't great, has clearly gone right over Horses head (thankfully it wont go over the courts head)

OP, really good luck to your relation. Must be terrible to find out in this worst possible way that your DW doesnt give a shit about you

horsetowater Mon 17-Mar-14 15:21:56

Must be terrible to find out in this worst possible way that your DW doesnt give a shit about you

This is the kind of assumption I mean, the kind of assumption that bitter angry men like to assume is behind the actions of a woman so desperate she feels she has to go home to her family.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Mon 17-Mar-14 15:22:46

Hypocrite anyone?

Horse you say he can go with her, can you tell us how you know this? Does this family have savings hidden away somewhere that you know about that we dont? is there a company recruiting there that the DH can get job in to support everyone?

MikeLitoris Mon 17-Mar-14 15:23:28

So you haven't made assumptions? You are assuming they haven't discussed this. You are assuming that it is financially possible for them to up sticks and move at short notice.

And I stand by my earlier comment. Utterly bizarre comments. Although it seems like you have form for this so I think its just best to ignore the crap your spouting tbh.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now