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one night stand pregnancy

(36 Posts)
sontrouble49 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:56:55

where does my son stand. he had a one night stand with a girl who became pregnant and decided to keep the baby. she did not discuss the pregnancy with him and despite him saying he isnt able to support her emotionally of financially right now, as he is a student, she persists in pressurising him to be involved with her and the baby. it is effecting his health now. he has agreed to a paternity test but I dont know where he stands legally?
any advice helpful

STIDW Wed 26-Feb-14 15:42:47

yAs others have said whether or not your son is involved with the mother or child if he is the father he has a statutory obligation to pay child maintenance.

Under new rules a full time student's income is taken into account and no longer do student's automatically qualify for a nil rate assessment. The exception to this would be if a student was under 20 years of age and attending a course of non advanced education (A Level standard or less) or government approved training. Otherwise gross income is used to determine whether a student has an income of less than £7/week. If their income is more than £7, and £100 or less, a paying parent will have the liability to pay child maintenance at a flat rate of £7/week.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 26-Feb-14 10:50:38

The benefit system is in place for these situations. The grandparents have no financial responsibilitys.

ReadyToPopAndFresh Wed 26-Feb-14 10:00:58

If the parent is underage why is it unfair to expect the grandparents to help pay? If her son committed a criminal damage against a neighbors house she'd had to pay for it. You are responsible for your children's actions until they are old enough to be responsible.

KatAndKit Wed 26-Feb-14 09:57:50

No, I disagree,grandparents should not be held financially accountable. Especially if her son is an adult.if neither of the babys parents is earning then that is what the benefits system is for. Once he is earning of course the baby's father should contribute, and once she is able, the mother should also be working. If grandparents want to be involved that is great but to say it is their moral duty is wrong in my opinion. I do think it would be a huge mistake to walk away, and a mistake that would be hard to put right further on.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 26-Feb-14 09:38:34

As the child can't be made to pay for the baby then surely the morally right thing to do is for the Grandparents to give financial help.

Lj8893 Wed 26-Feb-14 08:13:03

When is the baby due?

He needs to get a DNA test ASAP!
If it comes back that the baby is his, he will need to pay csa (probably not while he is a student) and he needs to think about weather he wants contact with his child. And then go from there.
She cannot force him to have contact, but she can force him to pay csa once he is earning.

itsbetterthanabox Wed 26-Feb-14 08:06:00

How do you think being pregnant and looking after a newborn affects her health!?
He needs to pay for his child. He chose to have sex knowing the consequences of sex.
You should encourage him to have a relationship with his child. It will be a huge mistake to abandon your child/grandchild. He should be parenting as much as the mother. They are equally responsible for the child.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 26-Feb-14 08:03:14

sykadelic - how can you be "sure he wants to help"? Surely if that was the case he would have told his mother that and she would be posting in a different way. You know nothing other than what the OP has decided to tell on here.

EdithWeston Wed 26-Feb-14 07:20:22

I think the need for a DNA test has already been accepted.

This isn't AIBU. We know nothing about the character of the future mother other than being able to surmise from the choice of the word "girl" that she is very young.

OP: if you haven't been put off by all the additional non-legal points, I was wondering when the baby is due?

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 26-Feb-14 07:01:44

How do you know she hasn't had other one night stands ?

I wouldn't be doing anything until the DNA test comes back. Then act accordingly from there.

Speak from bitter experience as a close relative was told he was the father of twins, after a one night stand , all over facebook all round the village. She was 100% certain they were his.

DNA proved otherwise.

EdithWeston Wed 26-Feb-14 06:52:02

sykadelic15 agree with your last comment. I was also a bit taken aback by the number of posters who assumed he had been reckless with contraception. Every method has a fail rate.

sykadelic15 Wed 26-Feb-14 01:15:56

Legally, everyone else has addressed so I'll just address the other (unasked) part that everyone else is talking about.

If it were me I'd be loathe to help her out financially until the DNA test came back. I'd be putting money aside though to assist down the line. I would hope you and your son could sit down with her, calmly, to talk about what she expects while explaining to her what you and he are prepared to do (would you/he want a visitation order for example or just wing it).

In terms of the girl and her wanting emotional support... if he doesn't plan to be with her, then he has no need to do this and emotionally, this is a big change for your son as well. It's harder for him in some ways to the girl because he doesn't KNOW the kid is his so on the one hand I'm sure he WANTS to help, but he doesn't want to get attached or help out a kid that isn't his. He has no control over the situation and he's freaking out about being a dad with someone he probably doesn't know. Right now he's got this huge bomb that may or may not drop. It's completely understandable that he's freaking out because he's got MONTHS to wait until he finds out whether it's his or not.

So he (and you) have a couple of choices:
1. Assume the child is his and act accordingly (financially supporting her, being there as friends etc);
2. Assume the child isn't his and have nothing to do with either of them unless the DNA test proves otherwise
3. Assume the child isn't his but be open to the idea that it could be and be there as much as you feel you could be there for a friend and try and build a friendship with her.

I would do #3 only because if it turns out to be his child he may feel regret about the way he acted if he does #2, and #1 opens the door to a lot of hurt if it turns out not to be true.

~~Also, the comments about him being a deadbeat or a loser are uncalled for. The OP is a mum who's just found out she MIGHT be a grandma and she's doing what any parent would and trying to find out information to help her son. Information is power.

EdithWeston Tue 25-Feb-14 22:02:17

You say she is a 'girl' and that your DS is a student. Are they both still teens? Does she have adequate support, even when none is forthcoming at present from DS?

You posted in legal, and I think the main points have been covered. The DNA test will establish paternity. Assuming DS is the father, he will have to pay child maintenance (proportion if earnings). He will not however have PR automatically - either he needs to be on the birth certificate (he'll ordinarily need to be present) or he'd need a court order.

But the well being of the child must come first.

What is communication like between you and DS? Are you likely to be able to persuade him that even if he does not want a personal relationship with the mother of his child, the child needs him to have an adequate administrative one. Ideally a co-parenting one.

evelynj Tue 25-Feb-14 21:52:44

Crikey OP, has the mother got any support? how long have you known? Perhaps he should have some counselling if it's affecting his health & maybe you should talk to some RL friends about this. I may be wrong but it sounds like your perspective on this is all wrong, (seems like he/you wanted her to get an abortion & forget about it in a nutshell?).

It's irrelevant that he's a student now-he can still support her emotionally at least. When I told my mum I was pg, she said 'we'll I suppose there's worse things that could happen', (eve weren't married then). I know she'd feel awful guilty if I reminded her of this now as my ds who is 4 is the apple of her eye. Try thinking about if she was your daughter. Legally he will have to financially provide for his child at the minimum but it's probably not too late to build some bridges.

Hope you're both able to move forward a bit more positively

Stockhausen Tue 25-Feb-14 21:35:45

It's a very harsh lesson. How old is he?

Superworm Tue 25-Feb-14 21:28:26

This happened to an ex of mine years ago. Lost his virginity on a one night stand and she fell pregnant. They were sixteen at the time.

It was really tough for both of them. He stood by her and did the right thing, despite pressure from his family not to. He didn't speak to his parents for a couple of years because of it.

The relationship didn't last but at least he could hold his head high knowing he had tried his best. I think it would have damaged him more emotionally if he hadn't.

laregina Tue 25-Feb-14 21:10:42

Others have clarified the legalities - my advice would be to try and look forward to the positives here and to encourage your son to do the same.

You (both) have two choices here. The first is to bury your heads in the sand and ignore this woman and the child when he/she is born. Then you can live day to day with the guilt of knowing you rejected your own flesh and blood. At some point you may also deeply regret your actions but find it's too late to change things as by then they may well have decided to reject you.

The second is to take a deep breath, accept what's happened, do your best to help this woman as much as you can, and welcome the baby into your family when it is born.

Not a difficult choice imo.

ReadyToPopAndFresh Tue 25-Feb-14 21:10:13

If I were you I would be more concerned about the health of your new grandchild and the woman carrying him. She's probably not feeling too great at all as your "d"s has basically said he won't help her at all.

I'd be ashamed to have raised a total loser but that's just me

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Tue 25-Feb-14 20:48:36

How old is he?

KatAndKit Tue 25-Feb-14 20:48:30

He is not legally obliged to have any involvement with the baby. If he does not sign the birth certificate he will not have parental responsibility. He can walk away from her and the baby even though that is morally wrong.

If he is proven to be the biological father he will have to contribute via the CSA to support his child. This will be 15% of his earnings. He will still have to pay even if he does not accept parental responsibility by co signing the birth certificate.

I wonder if going though pregnancy and birth and caring for a baby alone hasn't affected her health? hmm

Are you really serious? He could decide to have no part in the childs life, but he will still be expected to pay child maintainance.

Are you really not bothered that he seems to be choosing to act like his child (and your Grandchild) doesn't exist?

Chocotrekkie Tue 25-Feb-14 20:46:18

Legally I guess she will go to the csa and if the paternity test is positive and it's his child he will have to pay.

While he is a student I don't know how much he will pay but when he graduates and starts earning a percentage of his wages will be taken by csa for him to support his child until the child leaves full time education.

kimlo Tue 25-Feb-14 20:45:50

legally if he is a full time student the csa wouldnt take any money from him, obviously once he graduates that would change.

No one can force an absent father to see his child, or to support them in anyway other way than financially.

But could he really know that he has a child that he chooses not to step up for? He might be scared now but how is he going to feel in a year? 10 years? by then it might be too late to build a meaningful relationship.

WeGotAnnie Tue 25-Feb-14 20:45:30

I am not sure what the question 'where does he stand legally?' means.

Morally, he has fathered a child and should work with the mother to form a plan for how that child is going to be raised.

surromummy Tue 25-Feb-14 20:45:28

Where he stands if the paternity test reveals its his baby? well she can then contact the csa and they will pursue your son for child maintainance.

A bit of a crap situation but he must face up to his responsibilities if he is the father, adult enough to have sex, adult enough to be a father.
As someone above said, he needs to go to GUM and then learn about contraception and how it can lead to pregnancy!!

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