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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Legal matters

one night stand pregnancy

38 replies

sontrouble49 · 25/02/2014 19:56

where does my son stand. he had a one night stand with a girl who became pregnant and decided to keep the baby. she did not discuss the pregnancy with him and despite him saying he isnt able to support her emotionally of financially right now, as he is a student, she persists in pressurising him to be involved with her and the baby. it is effecting his health now. he has agreed to a paternity test but I dont know where he stands legally?
any advice helpful

OP posts:

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ThedementedPenguin · 25/02/2014 20:31

What is his plans if the paternity test comes back and baby is his?

Is he going to ignore her? Forget about his child?

MyNameIsKenAdams · 25/02/2014 20:34

Well, as he willingly dtd then he must face the music.

He will be expected to financially contribute should the baby be proven to be his.

She will not be able to register him on the BC without him being present, however this is not a barrier to the financial expectation.

I would hope, as his mother, that you are at least encouraging him to step up and father the child, should it be proven that it is his.

SoonToBeSix · 25/02/2014 20:35

Err he supports his baby obviously.

HermioneWeasley · 25/02/2014 20:39

Well if he had sex without protection you get him down to the GUM clinic to get checked out.

Then you explain how babies are made as he seems unaware that sex can result in pregnancy.

Then you encourage him to take responsibility for the life he's created

Shakey1500 · 25/02/2014 20:41

When you ask "where does he stand legally" what do you mean? Legally regarding.....what?

bellablot · 25/02/2014 20:41

Affecting his health??? Maybe he should have thought better before having unprotected sex.

The fact is this, if he is the father, you MUST teach him the right thing to do is stick by his child. You don't need legal advice for that.

Has this altered his plans for Oxbridge maybe? A future doctor from a well off middle class family? Tell him to cop on and use his pair more wisely next time!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/02/2014 20:42

It is a tough lesson really.

She is right to push for what is right and he is wrong to decide it is making him ill. Both should have used contraception but she is left doing the most work and he has to pay for it.

CPtart · 25/02/2014 20:42

He wouldn't be supporting "her" though would he? He'd be supporting his child he chose to create.

Brittapieandchips · 25/02/2014 20:43

Can you clarify what it is you want to know?

Your son will HAVE to pay csa at the very least, legally.

Morally he should at least be making an effort to be a father to his baby.

Brittapieandchips · 25/02/2014 20:44

When is your grandchild due?

surromummy · 25/02/2014 20:45

Where he stands if the paternity test reveals its his baby? well she can then contact the csa and they will pursue your son for child maintainance.

A bit of a crap situation but he must face up to his responsibilities if he is the father, adult enough to have sex, adult enough to be a father.
As someone above said, he needs to go to GUM and then learn about contraception and how it can lead to pregnancy!!

WeGotAnnie · 25/02/2014 20:45

I am not sure what the question 'where does he stand legally?' means.

Morally, he has fathered a child and should work with the mother to form a plan for how that child is going to be raised.

kimlo · 25/02/2014 20:45

legally if he is a full time student the csa wouldnt take any money from him, obviously once he graduates that would change.

No one can force an absent father to see his child, or to support them in anyway other way than financially.

But could he really know that he has a child that he chooses not to step up for? He might be scared now but how is he going to feel in a year? 10 years? by then it might be too late to build a meaningful relationship.

Chocotrekkie · 25/02/2014 20:46

Legally I guess she will go to the csa and if the paternity test is positive and it's his child he will have to pay.

While he is a student I don't know how much he will pay but when he graduates and starts earning a percentage of his wages will be taken by csa for him to support his child until the child leaves full time education.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 25/02/2014 20:48

I wonder if going though pregnancy and birth and caring for a baby alone hasn't affected her health?

Are you really serious? He could decide to have no part in the childs life, but he will still be expected to pay child maintainance.

Are you really not bothered that he seems to be choosing to act like his child (and your Grandchild) doesn't exist?

KatAndKit · 25/02/2014 20:48

He is not legally obliged to have any involvement with the baby. If he does not sign the birth certificate he will not have parental responsibility. He can walk away from her and the baby even though that is morally wrong.

If he is proven to be the biological father he will have to contribute via the CSA to support his child. This will be 15% of his earnings. He will still have to pay even if he does not accept parental responsibility by co signing the birth certificate.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 25/02/2014 20:48

How old is he?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 25/02/2014 21:10

If I were you I would be more concerned about the health of your new grandchild and the woman carrying him. She's probably not feeling too great at all as your "d"s has basically said he won't help her at all.

I'd be ashamed to have raised a total loser but that's just me

laregina · 25/02/2014 21:10

Others have clarified the legalities - my advice would be to try and look forward to the positives here and to encourage your son to do the same.

You (both) have two choices here. The first is to bury your heads in the sand and ignore this woman and the child when he/she is born. Then you can live day to day with the guilt of knowing you rejected your own flesh and blood. At some point you may also deeply regret your actions but find it's too late to change things as by then they may well have decided to reject you.

The second is to take a deep breath, accept what's happened, do your best to help this woman as much as you can, and welcome the baby into your family when it is born.

Not a difficult choice imo.

Superworm · 25/02/2014 21:28

This happened to an ex of mine years ago. Lost his virginity on a one night stand and she fell pregnant. They were sixteen at the time.

It was really tough for both of them. He stood by her and did the right thing, despite pressure from his family not to. He didn't speak to his parents for a couple of years because of it.

The relationship didn't last but at least he could hold his head high knowing he had tried his best. I think it would have damaged him more emotionally if he hadn't.

Stockhausen · 25/02/2014 21:35

It's a very harsh lesson. How old is he?

evelynj · 25/02/2014 21:52

Crikey OP, has the mother got any support? how long have you known? Perhaps he should have some counselling if it's affecting his health & maybe you should talk to some RL friends about this. I may be wrong but it sounds like your perspective on this is all wrong, (seems like he/you wanted her to get an abortion & forget about it in a nutshell?).

It's irrelevant that he's a student now-he can still support her emotionally at least. When I told my mum I was pg, she said 'we'll I suppose there's worse things that could happen', (eve weren't married then). I know she'd feel awful guilty if I reminded her of this now as my ds who is 4 is the apple of her eye. Try thinking about if she was your daughter. Legally he will have to financially provide for his child at the minimum but it's probably not too late to build some bridges.

Hope you're both able to move forward a bit more positively

EdithWeston · 25/02/2014 22:02

You say she is a 'girl' and that your DS is a student. Are they both still teens? Does she have adequate support, even when none is forthcoming at present from DS?

You posted in legal, and I think the main points have been covered. The DNA test will establish paternity. Assuming DS is the father, he will have to pay child maintenance (proportion if earnings). He will not however have PR automatically - either he needs to be on the birth certificate (he'll ordinarily need to be present) or he'd need a court order.

But the well being of the child must come first.

What is communication like between you and DS? Are you likely to be able to persuade him that even if he does not want a personal relationship with the mother of his child, the child needs him to have an adequate administrative one. Ideally a co-parenting one.

sykadelic15 · 26/02/2014 01:15

Legally, everyone else has addressed so I'll just address the other (unasked) part that everyone else is talking about.

If it were me I'd be loathe to help her out financially until the DNA test came back. I'd be putting money aside though to assist down the line. I would hope you and your son could sit down with her, calmly, to talk about what she expects while explaining to her what you and he are prepared to do (would you/he want a visitation order for example or just wing it).

In terms of the girl and her wanting emotional support... if he doesn't plan to be with her, then he has no need to do this and emotionally, this is a big change for your son as well. It's harder for him in some ways to the girl because he doesn't KNOW the kid is his so on the one hand I'm sure he WANTS to help, but he doesn't want to get attached or help out a kid that isn't his. He has no control over the situation and he's freaking out about being a dad with someone he probably doesn't know. Right now he's got this huge bomb that may or may not drop. It's completely understandable that he's freaking out because he's got MONTHS to wait until he finds out whether it's his or not.

So he (and you) have a couple of choices:

Assume the child is his and act accordingly (financially supporting her, being there as friends etc);
Assume the child isn't his and have nothing to do with either of them unless the DNA test proves otherwise
Assume the child isn't his but be open to the idea that it could be and be there as much as you feel you could be there for a friend and try and build a friendship with her.

I would do #3 only because if it turns out to be his child he may feel regret about the way he acted if he does #2, and #1 opens the door to a lot of hurt if it turns out not to be true.

~~Also, the comments about him being a deadbeat or a loser are uncalled for. The OP is a mum who's just found out she MIGHT be a grandma and she's doing what any parent would and trying to find out information to help her son. Information is power.

EdithWeston · 26/02/2014 06:52

sykadelic15 agree with your last comment. I was also a bit taken aback by the number of posters who assumed he had been reckless with contraception. Every method has a fail rate.

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