Ex suddenly in a rush to divorce

[Pippinlongsocks]

We separated last year and had agreed to wait for the 2 years to divorce. Ex is now pushing for divorce sooner and has asked me to agree to admitting adultery. We split because he was emotionally abusive. He made his suggestion by text (classy). I have ignored him and will not respond in any way which is driving him a little mad (shame). It's my view that he is worried about an inheritance he is expecting and that I may make a claim on it as we are still married (could not be less interested). He said if I agree to admit adultery he will pay for the divorce costs. I don't believe this for a minute and on principle would not entertain this for a second. Financially we are not connected in any way aside from the maintenance he pays me. Can he petition me for divorce on the grounds of adultery because he is delusional and wants to believe that I have someone else (I don't)? I thought he would have to have firm evidence not just a feeling which he is using to try to bully me into doing what he wants. I am trying to get a free half hour with a solicitor but nobody is ringing me back yet and I keep going over it in my mind and getting anxious. Thanks for any advice you can give.

[FryOneFatManic]

I thought you could only divorce for adultery within 6 months. And you separated last year? I could be wrong.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Sorry can't help OP, but what a sleaze ball.
I wouldn't admit to adultery or anything else if it wasn't true.
You sound so strong, I didn't see your other posts, but so glad you got rid of such a controlling person.
I hope you get your answers soon and somebody can help you.

[mrsravelstein]

he can petition on whatever grounds he likes, but adultery is tricky to prove. unless things have changed since i got divorced 6 years ago, you can just ignore it all and make him wait 5 years post separation if you want to, at which point he can divorce you without your consent (this is what my exh did to me)

[mrsravelstein]

to clarify, he ignored my divorce petitions for 5 years until i eventually could divorce him without his consent

[Pippinlongsocks]

Thanks for all your replies, they are really helpful. It would make me laugh if he tried to petition me for unreasonable behaviour. He would recognise that of course! I felt quite harassed by his texts the other night. When there was no response he kept goading me and I am so glad I resisted the urge to respond. I think that could be very damaging for me and that's what he is probably hoping for. The best thing is I don't have to live with him anymore so I just keep reminding myself of that and feeling strong. Thanks again.

[Pippinlongsocks]

I still can't quite believe that he is asking me to admit something basically to do him a favour. Like I care to do him any favours when he is such a sleaze ball (loving that reference!!). I guess this is why he has been too busy this half term to spend any time with his DS. He is obviously busy getting legal advice about protecting money that isn't his yet. Sorry,having a little ranty moment there!!

[WanderingAway]

Just Ignore him. Change your phone number if you need to.

My solicitor said that it is hard to prove adultery. My ex had gotten the OW pregnant within months of us separating and still my solictor wouldnt go for adultery.

[MOSagain]

For him to get a petition through on the grounds of adultery you would have to admit it or he would need proof. You cannot admit to it if no adultery.

Relatively easy however for either party to get together a petition on unreasonable behaviour. That doesn't need to be admitted and unless contested/defended the divorce could go through.

Would you not consider petitioning on HIS behaviour?

[Pippinlongsocks]

I have considered it but tbh the thought of going to war with him in that way is too scary to contemplate. He is extremely vindictive and I just don't think I want that kind of stress. I've done everything I can to be free of him in every way other than the divorce which I was prepared to wait the 2 years for. I've found that a "don't poke the bear" approach is the best way of managing him. He loves stirring up drama and getting a reaction. It has taken a lot of strength to not react to him during the time it has taken to be free of him and I think it gives me and my DS an easier time than fighting him. The fact that he has started all this indicates that he is missing his audience and recipient for drama. He feeds of this type of negative energy. He is very very unpleasant.

[Longlive2014]

divorcing on unreasonable behaviour gets granted often, without reasons being that unreasonable. I don't know why he didn't go down that route. Be prepared for papers, but do not lie about anything for him! Well done on being so strong x
I have read reasons like "she didn't pair my socks together for me" "refused to cook my meals" used, what is reasonable to some, isn't to others.

[Longlive2014]

He probably has someone on the go, and doesn't want you to "beat him" by divorcing him for adultery if he is that controlling and knobish. Or he wants you to know he is with someone else as a way to "hurt" you, because he thinks/hopes/prays you still give a toss about him.

[Pippinlongsocks]

Uuuum the someone else on the go is a possibility. Before we split I discovered some little blue pills in the house and I don't think it was for my benefit (thank goodness!). A lot of his behaviour appeared to be projection. He was accusing me of stuff I absolutely wasn't doing and it was only later I realised that it was probably what he was doing so the pattern prob hasn't changed. He is just such a total knobhead though that I can't imagine anyone finding him in the least bit attractive..... Eeeeuuuuwwwww!!! Perhaps he will cite me being unreasonable as I did not want to entertain his proposal that if he paid me I would still do his washing and ironing after we had separated. Yeah right, I so wanted his dirty pants in my lovely new house and washing machine - NOT!!!

[LauraBridges]

Pipp, you can write an unreasonable behaviour petition for any marriage in the country even the happiest. even things like we do not get on, he snores, she argues with my mother. It basically is divorce on demand. If he did that you would probably not win if you tried to fight it off. He does not need to use adultery...Ah just read longlive and others have made the same point but better.

[OvertiredandConfused]

Unreasonable behaviour is judged subjectively, not objectively, hence why it is almost divorce on demand. He could actually petition and cite your unreasonable behaviour - even though it's non-existent. If I was you, I'd probably just ignore but, before you decide not to petition yourself, think about how you'll feel if he does try unreasonable behaviour on you.

Well done for disengaging.

[Pippinlongsocks]

The concern I have is that I do not have any money to pay legal costs. I could easily make an unreasonable behaviour petition. I was with him for 30'years and experienced DV, emotional and financial abuse and control. He is an alcoholic. It would be much less worry for me for him to not see my son as well but the truth is I am scared of taking him on. He has a lot more money than me and I have seen him attack people using solicitors before. It took everything to escape and I am doing fine financially as I work and receive working tax credit but I am now trying to build up some savings. I don't want to get into debt to fight him. If he did try to petition for unreasonable behaviour then I would know the truth I guess. I would just have to work at continuing with that thought and get on with my life which I am trying to do already and it's been going really well. I literally have never been this happy, which is probably what his problem is now.

[MrsSquirrel]

You are doing so well pippin, just continue to ignore him. It's probably all bluster anyway.

If/when you receive an actual divorce petition, then you can take advice and decide your next steps.

[LauraBridges]

In a sense the reasons don't matter. No one reads who divorced who for what and the reasons won't be up on a website. The costs of paying for the petition etc are with the person who is divorced not the one who starts the process, I think but in most cases at least 10x those costs will be fees to any solicitors or barristers so those much smaller court fees are not really the big issue.

If the inheritance might come soon why not share in it? It might be the means to ensure the children are housed, the only asset etc. I would string things out, delay and wait and once he petitions for divorce then take some legal advice.

[Pippinlongsocks]

I know I might be entitled to a share of his inheritance if it comes before we are divorced however I want no part of it. This was partly the reason I escalated leaving as he would have trapped me in a bigger house and I would have been made to feel grateful all the time. It would have made my life even worse. I have my own house now which I bought with my share of our family home sale and a mortgage. I have everything I want and need and most of all I have the freedom to live without all that stress of living with such a disordered personality. I know though that this is the reason he is stressing about us still being married. I have decided to not do anything until there is something that needs to be done. I'm too busy any way, having a nice time. That's the best revenge!!

[Joy5]

Pippin You're right, don't do anything until something needs to be done. I'm going down the happines is the best revenge route too, even become a student again, although not in a position to have my own home yet, but i will once i get my qualification and a better paid job.

My ex filed for divorce 9 months after moving out, he threatened me for months in emails before that he had the most dreadful reasons to use for unreasonable behaviour about me. I was worried sick at the time what he could possibly put, but when i finally received the divorce petition, i laughed, he'd put the opposite of what had happened when he was still living with me, even putting the opposite of what was in emails between us (we used to email each other several times a day when we were at work). Am 100% positive he thought i'd defend being divorced on such grounds, but i had a free 30 mins with a solicitor, was all i could afford, and she told me it would cost so much to defend, i'd still be divorced so i might as well let him do it on lies. A year later, i think the rush was because he was worried i'd file on his adultery and he was worried about his Mums reaction, and as he told me about the OW in yet another email i had my proof to use, his Mum has told me it was my fault we got divorced, the papers say so!! Even though hes living with the OW, and i'm single its still my fault. I'm also so glad i didn't somehow get the money to pay for the divorce, once he'd gone off with someone else, i really didn't care about the paper bit of being married. Last week i was looking for something and found our wedding rings, within a day i'd sold them at a jewellers, will be using the money next Saturday to go out with my 2 younger sons for the day, will be climbing a large hill in the Peak District and having a toast, with a soft drink, at the top. My way of celebrating the end of my marriage, to a man who was fantastic for over 25 years, but then suddenly changed into a monster i didn't know, we're in the family courts again the week after.

So pippin having a happy nice life is the answer, leave your ex to his own arguments. Sure in a year or so you'll look back on this time and be glad you did. :)

[Pippinlongsocks]

Thanks Joy5. What a great way to celebrate being happy and selling the wedding ring to be able to do it..... I love it. Similarly last September when I finally moved into my house I sold my wedding ring and all the jewellery (there wasn't much) I had during my marriage. Whilst I should have spent the money on something less indulgent the cash didn't even make into my purse, I went straight from the jewellers and blew the lot on a fabulous pair of boots. I told the lady serving me and she was so happy for me and said go girl they look brilliant!! Enjoy your special day you deserve it x

[Joy5]

You got boots, that's fantastic, every time u wear them you'll smile :) x