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ExH moving abroad - wants to have DS once a year for long period

(32 Posts)
Blueuggboots Thu 13-Feb-14 09:38:35

Split up with H last year.
DS came with me. H has had very little contact with DS - HIS CHOICE - has seen him a handful of times and talks to him on skype when my DS (who is almost 3) asks to speak to his Daddy. I NEVER refuse this request but my ExH doesn't always answer.
ExH has now told me he is emigrating to Canada and wants to speak to DS on skype weekly and then wants to come and get him and take him to Canada every summer for 4-6 weeks.
Would a judge during a divorce agree to this?
I'm not saying he can't do it but I'm concerned about ExH having no clue about his day to day life and then expects to have him for an extended period of time?
I'm also concerned he will be a real disney dad (he has previous form with his daughter!) and not parent his son when he's with him, leaving me to pick up the pieces on his return.

ItsRainingOutside Thu 13-Feb-14 23:53:00

I have the exact same situation however, my DD is almost 13 so has a say in what happens. My DD has been going to the US with her dad for 4 weeks since she was 6 without any problems. I think she actually enjoyed it and I didn't have any problems with continuing this arrangement, However, now she is older, she doesn't want to go for this length of time (or speak on Skype/telephone) and we've been fighting in the courts for 3 years now to prevent him taking her against her will.

A court case is very long and very messy so I'd urge you to try and work it out with your ex so that everyone wins.

They will certainly encourage the Skype calls which are a good idea to help your son remember his dad given his young age.

They will be looking for the two of you to compromise on the time he takes your DS out of the country. If he is asking for 4-6 weeks, a court will probably determine that 3 weeks is acceptable.

You will need to be cooperative and be seen to encourage contact and unfortunately, they won't see your ex moving overseas as a fault on his part. Only time will tell whether your DS wants to maintain a relationship with his dad when he's older and at that point, you can go back to court to renegotiate the terms of an order.

SavoyCabbage Fri 14-Feb-14 02:45:07

I would just nod along because I wouldn't think it was ever going to happen. He's going to have to find the money for the fares and he is going to have to take all that time off, all at once. And look after him.

Blueuggboots Fri 14-Feb-14 07:35:29

My exH is a cheapskate - he never went to court over his DD as he wasn't prepared to pay the money.
I always let my DS ring his dad when he asks but my exH NEVER instigates contact and makes no effort to see his DS. I'd love this to change and for him to see him regularly. I've NEVER made this difficult and wouldn't.
I really want them to have a relationship, it's just hard to imagine my DS going away for such a long time with someone who doesn't really know him!

Blueuggboots Fri 14-Feb-14 07:37:30

Itsrainingoutside - 3 years? Gosh, what a nightmare for you and your DD. Is he not listening to your daughter's wishes? Are the courts more importantly?

ProphetOfDoom Fri 14-Feb-14 07:55:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage Fri 14-Feb-14 07:58:28

Exactly. It's just not going to happen. Especially if he's a bone idle skinflint.

In fact, he probably won't emigrate on the first place.

Blueuggboots Fri 14-Feb-14 08:55:43

I haven't said he can't do it. I did tell him I thought he might be a bit deluded!!smile
I have told him I'm really angry with him that he's suddenly become this travelling emigrating type as when we were together, he wouldn't even go on holiday for two weeks!! or even agree to go on an all-inclusive holiday!!
I'm not convinced that he's just pretending all these things to try and make me see what I'm missing!
I just think if he really means it, he should put some effort into contacting his child as at the moment, it's me contacting him for my DS.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 14-Feb-14 09:03:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterParkerSays Fri 14-Feb-14 10:03:54

Will he be running his own business in Canada or have an employer? Only, I'm sure I've read on a thread here that workers have less annual leave in Canada than in the UK - is he really going to have 6 weeks of leave available and an employer who is willing to let him have 6 full weeks off in this way? If I asked my employer this, I'd be laughed out the door.

Blueuggboots Fri 14-Feb-14 12:11:58

allegedly he's going to be a police officer in Vancouver on their public transport but I looked on their website and they're not taking applications from overseas at present
It's a very new situation and I shall see how it pans out.

Blueuggboots Fri 21-Feb-14 11:44:41

So, just an update.
I've told him he can take my son to Canada for 3 weeks of the school holidays provided:
He pays for his airfare
He comes and gets him and brings him back
He ensures he parents him whilst he is there, including:
Healthy food
Necessary discipline
Good routine including sensible bedtimes
He doesn't leave him with people he doesn't know
And he keeps in regular contact whilst he is here in the UK with me.
I shall await his response!

prh47bridge Fri 21-Feb-14 12:40:45

I hope you are aware that if this goes to court many of your conditions would be seen as unreasonable. Your ex cannot dictate how you treat your son while he is in your care. Equally you cannot dictate how your ex treats your son while he is in his care.

NigellasDealer Fri 21-Feb-14 12:43:06

to be honest i wouldn't worry too much - when it comes down to it, he will have some pressing need to be elsewhere, i would bet my last penny on it.

Blueuggboots Fri 21-Feb-14 14:03:01

really prh47bridge? I see what you are saying about dictating his care but what about air fare etc? He only pays nominal child support and I can't afford to pay for airfares!!

prh47bridge Fri 21-Feb-14 14:56:06

I said many of your conditions, not all of them. The courts usually take the view that the parent who moves away should pay the costs of contact so I don't think it is unreasonable of you to expect him to pay the air fare.

I would just have said the first two conditions if I was trying to put him off without him knowing I was trying to put him off grin

What you don't want is him to take umbrage at you 'telling him how to parent' so that he's pissed off enough to actually bother.

LauraBridges Fri 21-Feb-14 15:13:14

He's 3. It's reasonable that he should not be left if he has never been left like this in a day care centre for 10 hours a day. For 3 weeks those conditions seem perfectly reasonable to me.

This man is probably a fantasist and I bet he never goes ahead with any of it.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 21-Feb-14 19:26:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 21-Feb-14 19:39:56

Ds's father moved to Ireland when Ds was 3, he was going to fly over every few months and spend the weekend with ds, that was his plan. He didn't see ds (his choice, not mine or ds's) for 3 years after he moved, then he'd come over every 18 months and see ds for an hour (whilst he was hungover and in between seeing his mates and family). In between there was very little contact between ds and his father. I called his father so he could speak to ds. When I couldn't afford to do this any more I set up an email account for ds, then a facebook account but after a couple of emails there was nothing and the facebook account is unused, the relationship just fizzled out. Ds got closer and closer to me as I am his primary care giver and the closer he got to me the more distant he became from his father as there's just nothing there. Ds is now 14 and hasn't seen his father for 3 years, it was ds's choice (not helped by his father's temper). I get the blame from his father and his family for the mess that is his relationship with ds because I haven't sent ds to spend a week with a man who can't be arsed to phone/email or write to him, so is technically a stranger.

It will fizzle out. He sounds like ds's father - full of good intentions but doesn't have the ability to follow things through. Be agreeable, it's your son's right to get to know both parents, but don't expect too much.

Blueuggboots Fri 21-Feb-14 22:04:45

I have been SO agreeable.
But I've told him I'm not spoon feeding him anymore. If he wants to speak to or see his son, he needs to make the effort.
He did say that if I wanted him to, he would change the statement on the divorce petition to no contact. I told him it is entirely his choice what he writes but that we have to come to a compromise.
I'm not expecting any of it to occur. He's seen him maybe 5 or 6 times since last August despite only living 3 miles away.
But I want my son to know (when he grows up) that I did my best and tried to facilitate his relationship with his dad.
My exH says it's all my fault!! Yadayadayada!!! grin

LadyMaryLikesCake Fri 21-Feb-14 22:11:43

Of course it's all your fault, you should have bent over backwards and then some! wink

Seriously though, all you can do is your best. It's not your job to facilitate a relationship between a father and his child, you have enough to do. If he can't be arsed (why on Earth would someone want to change a divorce petition to no contact with their child? shock) then it will fizzle out. All you can do is be there for your son and show him that he's loved and wanted. Your son will know where his father is, just keep the avenues open and ask him if he'd like to call/write etc when he's older. If your son wants to then he will. thanks

Blueuggboots Tue 25-Feb-14 13:14:12

He's gone abroad for a 2 week holiday. I know he access to wifi as he's messaged me.
Has he made contact with his son? NO!!!! Been gone a week, and NOTHING.

ItsRainingOutside Thu 27-Feb-14 00:51:35

I feel for you and feel like you're writing about my own situation. You'll need to keep a diary of his actions together with any correspondence he sends you as you may need it in court. He sounds like a complete idiot just trying to control you and it's nothing to do with seeing his son. Nod your head, make all the right noises then do what's best for the child when it comes down to it. Good luck.

MooseBeTimeForSnow Thu 27-Feb-14 01:01:13

He'll change his mind once he sees how expensive flights to and from the UK are. It is also true that Canadian employers offer less vacation time. 10 working days is not unusual.

Vancouver is also a really expensive place to live.

I think he'll struggle TBH.

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