Webchat with Tristram Hunt, Labour education shadow, MONDAY 27 April at 12 midday ×

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

What rights will XDP have?

(13 Posts)
FarOverTheRainbow Thu 26-Sep-13 16:12:45

Me and my DP have just split up, we have a 11m DD. I am moving out of our rented house use and back with my DM and he will do the same. He works a very very busy job and has 1 mid week day off. I'm more then happy for him to have DD on this day but what about other days? Can he say he wants to have her on other days even though he will be at work and his mother will watch her? she is the reason we've split up I'm a SAHM so I'm here to care for my DD and I have done it all on my own since day 1. He refuses to get up in the night but she is still BF and won't take a bottle. He refuses to change her nappy, dress her, feed her or any of her basic care.

Someone please tell me where I stand, his family will push him to have 50/50 but he won't be there to care for her so I don't want that.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 26-Sep-13 16:17:08

If he only has1 day a week off do I have to let DD go to someone he chooses to look after her? When he isn't going to be there

HeySoulSister Thu 26-Sep-13 16:27:11

Will your own mum be looking after your DD at anytime? As you live with her I'm sure she will

However, neither if you have any rights, merely responsibilities. Your DD has all the rights. A right to a relationship with you both.

With babies little and often is what's advised.

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 26-Sep-13 16:57:00

My works FT so it's. Going to very rare that she does watch my DD.
I'm not saying I don't want him to have a relationship but if he's going to have access then I think. He should be there with her to have it and not give her to someone else when I'm there to look after her

FarOverTheRainbow Thu 26-Sep-13 19:04:57

Anyone?

prh47bridge Fri 27-Sep-13 00:36:29

You don't have any say in the childcare arrangements he puts in place when he is looking after your daughter. Similarly he has no say in your childcare arrangements. Of course he can say he wants to have your daughter on days he will be at work. He will still see your daughter when he comes home from work.

Madlizzy Fri 27-Sep-13 00:39:01

As she's still BF, his contact will be in small periods of time. Get legal advice.

lostdad Fri 27-Sep-13 08:49:30

He's her parent as much as you are - you should be talking to him about what is in your daughter's best interests and nothing else. It's not a question of one person telling the other person what they can and can't do.

Seriously, don't go down the road of dictating to each other. That way can lie court and unpleasantness like you can only imagine. HeySoulSister is on the money - you don't have rights. Nor does your ex. Only your DD.

If you can't come to an agreement do not argue with him. I'd recommend you go to mediation to sort out arrangements. They'll referee your discussion and give you both neutral view points.

I've seen too many amicable breakups turn into horrible fights for want of a little discussion.

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 09:41:24

I do want what's best for my daughter. Not for me or him just her. There is a lot of back story to all of this which I don't want to go in to but thanks for all your views

fuzzywuzzy Fri 27-Sep-13 09:52:08

If she's breasfed, I doubt he'll get contact for long stretches of time.

He could ask for shared care, but I think that would slowly be worked up to as your dd gets older and less dependant on you.

Why would your ex even want a lot of contact if he doesn't do nappies, dressing or feeding at all? These things aren't going to go away.

Kendodd Fri 27-Sep-13 09:57:41

A bit off subject but, what's be going to do when he has her all day, return her to you with a shitty nappy because he won't change them?

FarOverTheRainbow Fri 27-Sep-13 11:01:16

If his mum isn't there to act as mummy then yeh he will leave her in a messy nappy so he doesn't have to change her

Viviennemary Fri 27-Sep-13 11:09:42

Your child has two parents. They are both entitled to an input. It's not just your decision. You have both got to put your DD's needs first. And do what is best for her. And not turn it all into a point scoring exercise. But I sympathise if you feel your DD will not be looked after properly when she is not in your care. That is worrying for anyone.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now