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welfare of unborn baby- can any solicitor/law MNers advise?

(90 Posts)
honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:59:09

its a long story but heres my situation...

im a mum of 3 kids, whos father died 4 years ago... he was a decent bloke and even when our relationship was on the rocks, access to the kids was easy and positive. they are all happy and settled with me at home, well provided for.
___________________

last year i started a relationship with my now ex. (hes divorced with his ex wife who wont allow access over verbal abuse)
it started great but over 6 months his behaviour got really erratic. he dumped me twice (excuse: he saw his dd in town, felt low and hid in his flat for a week on both occasions).
both times we got back together once he 'pulled himself together'. its been rocky since as i got sick of picking up the pieces for his mental health problems. but it was bearable and i stuck with him in the hope that hell change. i fell preg. since i got preg, he changed for the worse, he got controlling, started the mental abuse n mind games, telling me im not looking after the kids right etc. everytime i mentioned ending it, he threatened me with court, saying hell get custody of the baby.

about 6 weeks ago, we had a row cos i didnt ring him before i went to sleep. he turned up at my house wanting to row further. i told him no as im not rowing in front of my 4yo daughter ( who was in the car waiting to go to her aunts). i said no and turned on my engine to leave. he said 'so your driving away from me now then' i said 'well yeah i am actually'.
to which he said 'ok, see u in court and look forward to having social services on your back'
at that point i snapped and finally said its over, as im not having my bereaved kids used as weapons amongst other things.

since then, he :

- put in malicious allegations to social services about me and my family, after i refused to get back with him (i kept the texts in which he admits he was wrong for that n that he did it cos i drove away). social services accepted it was malicious and took no further action.

-spread hate about me and my family to others and online, and has been warned to stop harrassing me by my solicitor. police were called on 2 occasions.

-threatened to have my baby taken from me at birth, and bragged that when he goes to court to get pr, he can refuse to give me the child back after contact as long as he can provide for him, and theres nothing i can do to stop him.

-has said he planned to run abroad with his dd when he gets contact (he hasnt seen her for 2yrs).

-hasnt bothered to sort his issues out, just continued to slag me off. hes still trying to wind me up saying baby will support x team when he gets custody, his mate posting that hes going to help him get custody.

-his demands are unreasonable. no other males are to have contact with, or ever discipline his child, including family and even if they are naughty in their care. the child must go to a different school in a different area to my 3. he wants overnights with the baby from birth. the list goes on.

-i have worries about the babys welfare. hes not emotionally stable at once and cant think straight when hes upset. hes in alot of debt but spanks his wages up the wall then relies on others to bail him out. his personal hygiene has become poor and he smells awful. i strongly feel that he would not hand the child back after contact or even run off with him. i think his anger, possessiveness and depression will cause so many problems and worry itll ruin my baby emotionally.

hes already tried to have my kids lives disrupted by child protection for revenge already and its not fair on any of them to be brought up around that. i just want my baby to have a good start with no bullshit a positive atmosphere. i dont intend to put him on the bc or be around cos i just think theres too much risk to my kids (all 4), in the way of welfare, mentally and by the threat of abduction.

ive been told by alot of ppl (mostly dads and pro-dads rights people) that he can 'easily' get pr and i should prepare for him to get contact too. so i feel im being trapped into handing my baby to him.
i honestly think he will fully abuse his 'rights' and use his pr to control me.

my main question is: if hes serious and applied to court for pr and contact:

- will i be given the chance to contest it, or will my reasons at least be taken into account before handing him pr?

- what will happen once he submits his court order forms?

-will cafcass definately get involved?

-if he still gets unsupervised contact, is there anything i can do to prevent him abducting, refusing to hand him back after contact or trying parental alienation? to protect myself and my baby from his games?

- if he applies for a residence order, how likely is it that he'll be granted it?

sorry for such a long post, but im so distracted by this and its stressing me out. i feel like i just cant relax and enjoy my pregnancy for the worry of what hell do, what he has up his sleeve when i give birth.sad im 22 weeks, social services, homestart, police and the midwives/hv are aware of it.
i need someone who knows the real facts and deals with it, to advise and not anyone whos just going to force more fathers rights biased stuff down my throat.

thanks x

NatashaBee Fri 28-Jun-13 19:07:13

He sounds terrible. I think you're right not to put him on the birth certificate - he can apply to be added to it anyway but it's one more hoop for him to jump through. I don't think you have anything to worry about with regards to him getting custody either. Just keep a record or diary of everything he says/does - store all texts and emails.

Has he actually pursued access to his other kids after his ex-wife refused to let him see them? If not, then you never know... all the crap he is spurting might just be for show and he may not be that interested in the baby anyway.

I would also suggest contacting Women's Aid, and making your midwife/health visitor aware of the situation.

Helpyourself Fri 28-Jun-13 19:09:28

I'm no expert but sad and flowers
I don't think he'll follow through. Malicious allegations to SS take a lot less effort than actually following through with a solicitor and paying and he sounds flaky.
You'll get more advice soon...

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:20:11

i have been in contact with womens aid already, before we split (they advised me to end the relationship).

hes said constantly that hes taking his ex to court for contact and poss custody, hes sent forms off a couple times but they were apparently sent back for some reason (im assuming he didnt fill them out right, or wrong payment method) but whenever he got the money back he spanked it on takeaways, fags and nights out and had to re-save the money. im not sure if hes sent them since or not.

atm hes saying hes 'positive' hell 'win' and 'celebrating' with nights out.

im trying so hard to ignore him but hes already stooped low enough to use my poor kids as it is, so i think he'll resort to anything to get the 'upper hand' x

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:26:17

his ex wife did inbox him saying if hes serious about seeing dd then shell work with him as long as theres no more disruptions as shes 'doing well for herself'. he simply replied to her saying 'see u in court'.

he since told me its so that if she stops contact again for whatever reason, he can get her arrested or even get custody. and he doesnt want to have to do anything 'on her terms'.

AS he has already "involved" Social Services - do you have a Social Worker with whom you could discuss your concerns. It might be worth it so they have it on record that he has said he will do things like abscond with DD. Also try posting this on relationships too as many MNers there may have advice and experience.

spiritedaway Fri 28-Jun-13 19:27:18

don't put him on the birth certificate and apply for a residence order when he does apply for PR. You can site many reasons including risk of abduction. If Carcass do get involved try not to mud sling even though you have cause. He has undermined himself already through making malicious allegations.

fuckwittery Fri 28-Jun-13 19:30:16

If he says any of these lovely things in writing (text, facebook), take screen shots and save them all for any court proceedings he does issue. Those messages and he won't go down very well.

MOve.

Change your surname.

Job done.

Not to be flippant, that is actually what I would do.

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:33:11

nah social services are purely concerned with the children, they got my side of the story, did their checks with the health visitor and schools, and took no further action, closed the case. the only thing wrong with my kids is with my dd,4, who has a genetic kidney and ureter defect, which is being monitored and treated by gp and addenbrookes xx

SlimePrincess Fri 28-Jun-13 19:34:28

I didn't want to read and run and I'm certainly no expert but I think he's all mouth and no trousers. The fact that he hasn't seen his daughter for 2 years speaks volumes, why no legal battle for custody of her ?
Hang in there flowers

PatriciaHolm Fri 28-Jun-13 19:35:18

Minute everything he says, every conversation, so you have a detailed and dated record. Keep every text and email, print out Facebook conversations. If it really comes to it, make sure you have every proof you can of what he's been saying. Not putting him on the birth certificate will delay things as he'll have to go to court to get it, which might just be enough to put him off.

He's a knob. Talk to SS/WA about getting restraining orders served on him to keep him away from you and DC and allow supervised contact only with baby when it's born.
He will not get custody. ANd right now, you can refuse any contact with him, as the baby isn't born and therefore he has no rights at all.

SlimePrincess Fri 28-Jun-13 19:38:13

I agree with Patricia. Phoning social services is easy compared to a long court case.

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:41:39

ive got a diary i started 2 weeks before we split, full of my concerns thoughts and intentions regarding him and baby, and reasons for them. kept his messages since the split including the ones admitting the real reasons for the malicious ss calls plus texts from when he waited outside my house one day after the split hasselling me to get back with him.
homestart has been logging incidents and threats too and is supporting me.
2 crime numbers from both police reports. screen shots of him on facebook calling me and my family names and saying we hurt the kids etc.

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:50:06

oh, and a copy of the solicitors warning to him.

if it was just me, i defo would consider moving away /name changes etc but my boys have only just settled after moving after the death of their dad (dd wasnt born yet when he died so she doesnt know any different) and my eldest is severely autistic and struggles with change. so its just not in their best interest to move schools, home etc. xx

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:54:46

hes refused to use contact centres too and child maintenance. he said he doesnt see why he has to pay to see his kids.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 28-Jun-13 19:56:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaquelineHyde Fri 28-Jun-13 20:01:18

Inform him that you are stopping all verbal communication because of his behaviour.

Anything he has to say can be said via email, text, facebook or even a letter. Keep copies of everything and a diary of incidents, log any attempt he makes to verbally communicate with you after your request. If you respond to him keep copies of that as well.

He can apply for PR once the baby is born but from what you have said I doubt he will bother.

If he does get PR (which I doubt) then you should immediately apply for a residence order and whilst this is going through refuse all contact, in fact I would refuse all contact full stop and force him to take you to court for contact because until he does that he cannot force you to do anything.

And don't take any notice of fathers' rights groups. They are full of abusive dickheads who are forbidden to see their DC for good reason. It sounds like you have tons of evidence to keep this man a good distance away, and if he refuses to 'jump through hoops' then he won't get anywhere with court action. He's probably too lazy, selfish, obnoxious and stupid to even bother, anyway, so can be safely ignored.

spiritedaway Fri 28-Jun-13 20:15:08

I agree with SolidGold

honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 20:53:31

oh trust me i havent taken this lightly.

ive looked at pros and cons, such as having a dad figure etc
looked at it from so many angles from mine, his, babys, and my kids points of views.... ive googled the hell out of google.... and asked so many people.
but i keep coming to the same conclusion: that this baby is miles better off without his input.
i truly believe he will destroy him mentally. i can see his dd is better off now hes not around too.

im terrified at the prospect of court. never been to court in my life. he has twice for rent arrears and threats of eviction, so he knows kinda what to expect. i havent a clue confusedx

Honey, it really won't be too bad in court. By the sound of it there is an absolute shedload of evidence that this man is a raving arsehole: use all the support and back up you can get in terms of SS, Women's Aid etc to build a big legal barrier against him and he will fuck off. Right now, as the baby is not yet born, you cannot be made to engage with him in any way: there is no legal right for a man to contact or control in any way a woman who is pregnant with a child he provided the sperm for. But like others have said, get all the restraining orders in place ASAP and remember that the law is concerned with the right of a child to have a relationship with his/her father, not the rights of an abusive man.

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