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Naming father on birth certificate

(46 Posts)
ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 21:50:44

I'm pregnant & have recently split with the father of my unborn child.

I want him to have a good relationship with our child, I want him to be named on the birth certificate. However, he has already stated he will do 'everything in his power to ruin my life' & that he will make sure he gets custody of this child when it's born.

I don't particularly worry that he would be assigned custody & want to have him named as he should be on the birth certificate. I think it's important for the child to have both parents on there. Am I being naive? Is it a decision I could live to regret? Exactly what are the automatic rights he would get & how miserable could he make my life in contrast to if he weren't named?

ItsDecisionTime Thu 20-Jun-13 22:00:06

If he were on the birth certificate, he would automatically have parental responsibility. That means regular contact (assuming there are no real reasons why this shouldn't happen) and he'd also be liable for child support. Unlikely he would get custody (again, assuming there are no real reasons why you shouldn't retain it).

It's a dilemma as yes, the child does have a right to a relationship with the father but only if the father's motives are genuine and would not, in the longer term, adversely affect the child. If they did have a relationship but only so your ex could use the child as a pawn in your relationship, or to cause you problems for you, then the child, when older would understand this and it would inevitably all end in court hearings and tears.

On the other hand, not putting him on the birth certificate means that, without a court-ordered DNA test, you could wipe the father out of your lives. Bear in mind that if you deny him being on the birth certification, you also won't get child support without proving through other means he's the father.

I have been in a similar situation and looking back, I wish I'd not told him about the baby, not put him on the birth certificate and moved to the other side of the world. In the long run, it would have been cheaper and less stress for me and my child.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:15:27

I want him to have regular contact & I want him to pay child support.

But I'm hoping he wouldn't use the child as a pawn, that he's started these threats already is worrying. I don't suppose I would find that out until its too late.

He ended the relationship so I can't understand why he's being so bitter & angry. It's just in his nature I think.

PatriciaHolm Thu 20-Jun-13 22:15:49

If you are unmarried, he would need to attend the registration of the child with you to be put on the certificate. To be honest, it's pretty easy for him to get parental responsibility without it anyway - a court ordered positive DNA test will give him it essentially, and that won't be hard for him to get and it sounds as if he'd be arsey enough to make you do it. Wiping him out of your lives doesn't seem an option as he doesn't seem prepared to walk away. The problem will presumably be being amicable enough to go through the registration together..

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:17:21

Could he stop me from moving out of the area where he named? Or getting a passport for the baby etc? Would he have to agree to things like school etc, how far does the responsibility go?

PatriciaHolm Thu 20-Jun-13 22:25:46

You would be expected to consult on things like schooling, yes, and he could go to court to prevent you moving a long way away if it frustrated contact.

The problem is that even if you don't put him on the BC, he can get PR relatively easily, so you have to decide whether you think he will really go through the court process to do so or whether he is full of hot air and bluster and will disappear in time.

babyhammock Thu 20-Jun-13 22:45:47

However, he has already stated he will do 'everything in his power to ruin my life' & that he will make sure he gets custody of this child when it's born.
Seriously if that's his attitude I would get the hell away and properly disappear while I still could. There is nothing he can do to stop you doing that at the minute or changing your name etc. I appreciate you are still attached to him in some way, but honestly you will be saving yourself a whole world of pain.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:48:04

He's much better at making threats than following through. It is unlikely he would go to the expense of involving the courts. He's more of a wallower than proactive in his anger.

But I don't want to do anything that could deny my child the chance of a good relationship with their father. I want to do the right thing but I'm starting to learn that's not always the smart thing.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:52:03

He says that & then in his next breath he's telling me to have an abortion. I think it's because he wants me to retaliate by saying 'you won't see this child' & then he has his excuse to walk away.

I do want him to pay for his child. I want my baby to have a dad. But I don't want to give him any power it would be easy for him to hold over me as if its easy for him to do so I'm sure he will.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 22:54:38

I agree with you that, ideally, a child would have both parents named on the BC.

But this man is threatening you.

Think carefully. To have him on BC, he would have to accompany you to the Register's Office. Do you expect him to be co-operative in the post birth days? (You have 43 days to register a birth). Will you even be able to agree on a name?

What sort of involvement do you want him to have in DC's life? Is it safe for him to do that?

TheSecondComing Thu 20-Jun-13 22:55:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaevola Thu 20-Jun-13 22:57:22

Also, if he had to apply for PR, would he actually bother? If he is likely to show inertia on this, it might be a protection for you, rather than handing it to him on a plate via BC.

You can tell your DC about their father in ways other than one legal document.

babyhammock Thu 20-Jun-13 22:58:45

Look how he's treating you. He's threatening you when you are at your most vulnerable...pregnant. Do you seriously think he will be a decent person with your child. I think that's highly unlikely.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 22:59:38

The baby is having my name, I wouldn't even consider his. It's always been that way.

I think it's because my dad is so important to me I want my baby to have a chance of that. I would have no safety concerns about him & the child. Head games maybe.

I really don't know how I expect him to be, thus whole situation is a huge shock.

TheSecondComing Thu 20-Jun-13 23:01:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 23:03:00

You're right BH he's forced my hand really with his behaviour. I'd be pretty stupid to ignore his threats. I just feel like purposely not having his name there would either make me a bad person or fk up my child wondering later in life if that's really their dad.

Chubfuddler Thu 20-Jun-13 23:06:18

Don't feel shamed by the blank space on the birth certificate.

It's his shame due to the fact he's a nasty cunt.

Do everything in your power to disentangle him from your life.

He's got virtually fuck all chance of getting residence unless you are a smack addict.

iheartdusty Thu 20-Jun-13 23:10:50

it is not necessary to have PR in order to have contact.

at the moment PR just sounds like loads of hassle for you if he carries on behaving like this.

If he is named on the birth certificate he has the exact same rights as you do, including residence until an order could be put in place.

If he chose not to return the child from contact you would have to take him to court for custody - and because he has equal rights he could refuse to return the child until the court made a decision, which could take months. The police wouldn't be able to do a thing about it, because you would be equal in law. The police and social services actually TOLD my BIL he could do this when he reported his ex for neglect. So after giving her support and numerous chances he did.... And she rang the Police - and they are still with him.

With this, and from what you have said

Oops!

With this and what you've said there is no way on earth I'd be putting him on the birth certificate - he's already said he'll go for custody, by putting him on the cert he could have the child with him whilst he does so and there wouldn't be a thing you can do.

He sounds like an abusive bully - does a child really need that in their life?

ScrewIt Thu 20-Jun-13 23:20:03

Thanks guys that really helps and CS you have just made it easy with that information.

For some reason I really expected a flaming for even considering not naming him so I am grateful for your responses.

zippey Thu 20-Jun-13 23:33:59

Sounds like he is worried and panicking about the responsibility of having a child and wants to put you off bringing it into the world by being as nasty as he can. Maybe once he realises you're not changing your mind or once DC is here he will be nicer to you.

How well do you know his parents? The threats are worrying and its up to you what you do. Is there any rush to name him on the certificate? Not sure how that works.

Many men and women are not good parents, but he still has a right. At the moment his threats are baseless and you seem to think he is all bark and no bite, but I'd still be worried. Maybe give him a wide bearth till he can be more civil.

MidniteScribbler Fri 21-Jun-13 00:22:45

Honestly, I'd leave him off the birth certificate. You could potentially have 18 years (or longer) of dealing with him and him being obnoxious if you put him on there.

Leave it off for now, and if he turns in to a prince after the birth and proves himself over the next couple of years, then you could consider getting the certificate changed later. If not, you have the option of disappearing and saving yourself, and your child the heartache.

I've seen so many cases of parents who are actually doing their child more damage because of their relationships with their ex. Having to do two separate parent-teacher conferences, both parents storming up to the school at different times for different perceived slights, even down to which parent got called first when a child was sick. Parents who deliberately refuse to allow children to go on camps or excursions just to make a point to the other parent. Don't do that to your child! The writing is on the wall with this guy!

Look after yourself, and your child first. If he really wants to be a good father, he will prove himself.

Good luck, OP.

honey86 Fri 21-Jun-13 11:43:10

are there any solicitors on here, to give nonbiased advice? only im in the same situation, my ex is extremely controlling selfish abusive (non-physically) and all his demands are based on his own self entitlement. he doesnt genuinely have my unborn babys interests at heart.
when people say he can easily get pr, surely they dont just hand it over on only a dna test? will i have the chance to contest it? why wont it be looked into further than that, how comes any dad can just get rights when that dad is abusive and doing it only to hold control of the mother?
so even if a bloke has been away for 2 years or so n only been nasty, he can just get legal rights just like that? i find that notion extremely worrying on the basis of my babys welfare.

can someone who actually knows the law advise? without giving me fathers rights shite? xx

NotActuallyAMum Fri 21-Jun-13 11:48:21

"Bear in mind that if you deny him being on the birth certification, you also won't get child support without proving through other means he's the father"

I'm not legally qualified but I do know this isn't true

The OP can put in a claim to the CSA regardless of whether he's on the birth certificate or not and if he denies he's the father they can order a DNA test which he will have to pay for

OP I would not put this pathetic attempt at a man on the birth certificate in your situation

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