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Shared parental responsibility, information needed please

(17 Posts)
hereagain99 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:25:00

Hi,

I need some information about shared parental responsibility please.

Background: we have a shared residence order where it states DD lives with me and spends some time with dad which I believe to be 52 nights per year.

DD will be starting school in September and dad is telling me that before I make any decisions regarding school I fully have to consult him. I think he is referring to consent forms about allowing the school to take pictures of DD. Do I have to consult him on this? I have asked him to explain me what he is referring to as it is not very clear what I have done wrong under his point of view.

Also he is requesting to know how we will be going to school and if DD will have pack lunch or school lunch. Do I have to consult him on these also?

Is there somewhere where I can find exactly which information I need to consult him on please? I have been searching the internet and I cannot find anything that will tell me where I need to consult him on.

Completely lost on this and getting very stressed about it. She hasn't even started school yet.

Thanks

Collaborate Thu 20-Jun-13 21:37:18

You have to consult with him over which school she attends. It isn't your sole decision. The mechanics about how you get to school, or the lunch arrangements you make when she's with you, have nothing to do with him.

Maybe he just wants to know? What's wrong with just telling him? confused

hereagain99 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:43:55

I consulted with him on which school DD would go and we both agreed. Now he is saying that I should "fully consult with him before giving the schools decisions which, under principle of shared parental responsibility, have to be agreed between us" as he puts it in his email.

I thought that filling a consent form for the school about e-safety rules and taking pictures is something that doesn't need to be agreed as DD lives with me and she is with him only 2 half term, 1 week at xmas and easter and 2 weeks in summer holidays. Am I wrong thinking that I could have filled the forms without consulting with him?

I already thought that him wanting to know how we would travel to school and lunches was a bit odd although I did answer to his questions

hereagain99 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:46:00

PotteringAlong: I did tell him once the forms were handed in. I don't have a problem telling him anything that relates to DD as I also informed him of our first visit to school and what we did. Nothing wrong with him wanting to know but it is a long story and some times things that he wants to know is nothing related to DD but my private life

Maybe I'm being naive, but I wouldn't see it as being a bit odd, I see it as being a caring and interested parent.

Ah, cross posts!

hereagain99 Thu 20-Jun-13 21:58:11

I just want to find which information I need to share exactly to stop this situation and being able to move on without having to think what will be the next thing he is going to complain of

ItsDecisionTime Thu 20-Jun-13 22:03:00

At a recent court hearing, the judge told me I had to consult with my ex about the major decisions in DD's life e.g. school, medical procedures etc. He then went on to say "you don't have to ask his permission, you just need to tell him and that's it, you've consulted with him".

hereagain99 Thu 20-Jun-13 22:09:05

Thanks ItsDecisionTime. I in my case CAFCASS also told him that he didn't have the right to infer in our family live and other things but I don't think it has sink on him to be honest. That is why I need to know what exactly I need to share.

He applied to court for the shared residence order and at the end the judge told him that he couldn't opposed as he had applied for it. You can guess the rest

prh47bridge Thu 20-Jun-13 23:13:42

Collaborate has answered your question. You have to consult with him about which school your daughter attends. How you get to school, lunch arrangements and so on are nothing to do with him. You don't have to consult with him about consent forms but the school may want to get his consent as well if they are aware he has PR.

hereagain99 Fri 21-Jun-13 06:20:34

Thanks prh47bridge. They are aware he has PR as well as the school has a copy of Court Order which I gave them.

I guess this is the only way he can still control something. Deep breath!!!

So I guess that there is not a place where I can find a list of the things I need to consult with him regarding school. I don't understand how we are meant to follow the law when the law doesn't explain which things needs to be consulted with.

fubbsy Fri 21-Jun-13 10:30:57

He knows which school she will be attending. You don't have to consult with him about anything else regarding school.

The school will be used to dealing with children whose parents are no longer together. Assuming they have his details, they will be able to contact him directly if they need to. He can ask the school to send him the letters to parents and so forth, you don't have to get involved with any of that.

betterthanever Fri 21-Jun-13 11:35:17

Collaborate and prh47 have already given you good legal advice.

On a practicle level, I was wondering why he can't speak with the school himself about some of the forms? but I guess you would both still need to discuss what you thought about them at some point, especially if you have a difference of opinion. I am sure you don't want poor DS to be chased up by the teacher for a form and him have to answer `I don't have it my mum and dad can't agree about it'.

School forms IME come in great quantities, there is always a trip a scheme, a course, a book club and something else. I think to head off issues in the future it may be that you ask the school to send you both copies of all letters (or are they on line?) and then have some way of communicating what you both want to do about the activities or consent.

Whilst I don't like the idea of you having to `run things past him' each time and it some how be your responsibility and god forbid one time you may genuinley forget, I do think it is good he is interested as a good parent in these matters and will help relations between you all.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and you did not know DS has joined the school football team or was having tennis coaching or Judo at lunch time? there may also be financial implications to some things - would it not be good to discuss that? when DC gets older if you are unable to fund the £1,000 US trip but he can or he would like to pay half, wouldn't it be good that he knew about it in the first place?

Is there any form of communication you already have to discuss other things that these discussions could be slotted into, to keep it as simple as possible? I really do think that this could be a good way of heading off future problems and make all of your lives more fun and enjoyable rather than stressful every time a decsion has to be made, regardless of the letter of the law.

betterthanever Fri 21-Jun-13 11:38:17

Sorry I have put DS all through that not DD.

prh47bridge Fri 21-Jun-13 20:28:00

So I guess that there is not a place where I can find a list of the things I need to consult with him regarding school

The only thing you have to consult with him about regarding school is which school your daughter attends. That's it. There really is nothing else.

kittycat68 Sat 22-Jun-13 12:56:54

If you pander to your ex in these questions he is only going to continue to try to controll you.
You as already told only has to be told which school your child is attending( usually the catment school anyway) any thing else is outside of PR so dont let him intimidate you. sounds like hes been on some of these fathers rights web sites!!!

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