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can anyone with experience of family law cast their eye over this please?

(55 Posts)
WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Wed 24-Apr-13 11:18:28

i've posted lots before about EXp.

i am now in a situation where he has dropped maintenance payments down to £100 per month for 2 dcs and is refusing to have them more than 2 nights EOW despite his original suggestion that he would have them at least 1 night midweek every week so that i could start working again. he is now refusing, saying that as he works full time he cant have them. he has texted today furious with me for contacting CSA and says that i have 'shot myself in the foot' and to 'prepare for not much money'. i knew he would do this so this is no great surprise however i am sick sore and tired of just having to accept the decisions he makes about his input (physical and financial) with our dcs. i know no court in the land will force him to have our dcs more and i am not holding my breath that CSA will be any use at all. but i've decided i'm not going to just accept it anymore.

so this is what i want to do.

i want to send him a letter informing him that as of X date he will now be responsible for our dcs between 9am on tuesday mornings til 2pm on thursday afternoons of each week aswell as our current arrangement of 2pm on fridays til 2pm on sundays of EOW. i will inform the school and afterschool club of this arrangement and tell him that they know he will be collecting the dcs on those days. i will tell him that he will be responsible for organising and paying for all childcare he requires on these days and also any clubs or activities the dcs attend on those days. i will provide him with contact details for the school, afterschool club, gp, hv and anyone else necessary and inform him that he can request to have information letters sent to him from the school if he wishes so that he can be aware of any thing he needs to attend or arrange extra childcare for. i will tell him that this arrangement would mean he would not be required to pay any child support to me towards the support of our children.

i have been considering doing this for about a week and his latest texts have helped me make the decision to do so. obviously he can just refuse all of this and carry on paying very little and not seeing them more than he is but i am going to at least try to make things a bit fairer for myself.

as i said, i know none of that will be supported by a court but i was wondering if i should get a free half hour with a family solicitor for some guidance on this.

does anyone have any advice? would i be opening myself to accusations of neglect if he didn't turn up to the school for dcs? (i dont think he would not turn up if i made it absoloutely clear that i would not be collecting them but just incase)

sicutlilium Sun 28-Apr-13 16:29:42

I'm quite entertained by two trained mediators having a ding-dong.

Spero Sun 28-Apr-13 16:30:58

Surely you mean robust exchange of views

sicutlilium Sun 28-Apr-13 16:33:41

I'm sure that you will find a mutually acceptable middle ground...

Spero Sun 28-Apr-13 16:38:23

Doubtful. As I am still heavily wedded to my power tactics.

But seriously now, mediation can be great, definitely can be better than court in many cases... But I would touch with a ten foot pole cases where violence and serious intimidation had played a part. Maybe that is just me admitting my limitations as a mediator. But I still think if you are trying to resolve a dispute, both participants must come to the table willing to try. I just don't think that is true in some cases.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Sun 28-Apr-13 21:46:52

wow. lots more posts.

thank you all for posting. i do really appreciate an outsiders and also some professional perspective as i said before i'm still pretty angry about the whole situation.

i haven't made any decisions yet, other than i'm definitely going to proceed with the CSA application. i just dont trust him to stick to any informal agreement. past behaviour has proven i cant trust him in that regard so i will be going ahead with that.

i'm still really torn on the other thing. i have calmed somewhat and after reading through some later posts here i feel it might just be better for my own state of mind to finally accept that this is my lot wrt him 'helping' me out and just make plans/work etc without expecting anything. this is holding me back.

to answer some questions

the reason he gives for not having the dcs one day a week is that he works and says he cant have them and work.

the reasons given for the amount of child support dropping were

1st time: he said he and his DP were buying a house and needed to save

2nd time: he said he and his DP were getting married and needed to save for the wedding.

every time since then that it's dropped has been a variation on his employer messing up with his wages, his wages being cut, or him just not having enough to give me.

until feb he was employed by HM armed forces. since then he has been employed by his DP's father in what he says is full time work.

he wouldn't attend mediation. firstly because when he knows he's in the wrong he runs and hides as opposed to fronting it out (he didn't even collect dcs this friday- he sent his mum) and secondly he wouldn't pay for it if it was something I suggested.

as i said. i haven't decided on anything yet. i'm still too angry and i'd say he is too about me contacting CSA.

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