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Legal matters

Seperated Father wanting access

10 replies

Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 15:50

I separated from my partner over a year ago. My daughter was 2 months old at the time. At first he would see my daughter often (once or twice a week). When I moved on and met someone new, at first I kept it quiet and was weary about allowing my new partner into her life until I knew he would be a long term partner. I told my ex partner about my new relationship when my daughter was around 6 months old. His visits (I would usually take my daughter to see him or meet closer to where he lived) became extremely infrequent, 2 months had past between one visit and another at one point, there were always excuses football, money ect. After hearing more of the same and seeing how wonderful my new partner had taken to my daughter I came to the conclusion that my ex is simply not capable realistically of being a decent father for her.

It has now been 9 months almost and around once a month I will receive a message just saying "Hello" or something from him. However his mother has threatened me with court numerous times since our split. Her threats of arguing for full custody had kept me petrified. I have over this time developed a little more self confidence in my mothering I eventually told her not to contact me again unless through the courts. I feel neither my ex nor his mother should have contact. Reasons for example; they would never follow her routine with bed, the house they live in also doubles as a tattoo parlour for my ex's step father and the amount of times they rescheduled.

Anyway I would be very grateful if anyone could give me some legal advice on the following:
Taking into account numerous times of cancellations, should they take me to court what access would he get (I would rather no access on the grounds of past experiences with said cancellations and threats).

My partner has been with me for over a year now and is worried about his rights concerning my daughter should anything dreadful happen to me. Can parental responsibility be sought with the biological fathers? knowledge but not consent?

Also on a personal level, since my daughter was so young when I met my partner, we live together; he and his family have all taken to her as if he is his own. Is this healthy for her mental well-being?

My ex is on the birth certificate, we were never married, only together in fact for just under a year.

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lostdad · 12/03/2013 16:16

Can parental responsibility be sought with the biological fathers? knowledge but not consent?
In a word - no. To give someone PR for a child everyone with PR needs to give their consent. As your ex is on your dd's birth certificate he has PR. If you feel that strongly about it you can apply to the court (form is a C1 and costs £200 to open a case) but you'll have to prove that this is in the child's best interests.

If your ex agrees to this he can sign a parental responsibility agreement - a C(PRA)1 form.

If your ex's mother applies to court she will have to get the leave of a court to do so. She is extremely unlikely to get custody' (there is no search term in the Children Act - it's contact' nowadays anyway and the same goes for access') and is bullying you so ignore it.<br /> <br /> A parent has <strong>no right in law to see a child but a child has a right to see their parents</strong>.<br /> <br /> That's the legal side of things - but if you can avoid the whole court thing I would strongly urge you do so. You <strong>really</strong> don't want to get involved in them - it's costly, stressful and very upsetting. If you, your ex and your ex's mother hate each other now you'll be positively loathing each other if it comes to a court case.<br /> <br /> Please don't think in terms of what he would get'. It's what your daughter would get'. I'm not going to get involved in the wrongs and rights of your situation, but consider this: If your ex is as bad as you say your dd only has <strong>one</strong> good parent - you. Don't leave her with none by making a conscience effort by cutting her father out. Think about it from her point of view and be guided by that.<br /> <br /> But if he sorted himself out and pushed hard he <strong>would</strong> have contact. The level of it would be determined by how hard he pushed and how hard you fought (put it this way...my ex refused any contact whatsoever and after 5 years and 15 hearings he's with me 40% of the time). Children have a right to a meaningful' relationship with both parents...and a contact centre or every other weekend and weekday tea' is looking increasingly old-fashioned.<br /> <br /> Saying that...if he is as you say that's not going to happen.<br /> <br /> If by some miracle you can do something that'll give your daughter time with her father (and I know...you can't make someone behave responsibly or in a child-focused manner) try it. Propose mediation - with him and/or his mum. Put the concerns you have stated in your post to them - that you will agree to contact...but it needs to be regular and there are no threats, etc.<br /> <br /> If he cannot or won't behave in a reasonable manner you can say I did everything I could'. If he does you will have done your dd a great service by pushing hard to have a good relationship with her father.

In court I'm seeing a change right now - with the changes to legal aid things are getting far more aggressive and coupled with the fact more people represent themselves means that even more than ever you should try to sort out things amicably.

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Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 16:51

Thank you so much for such a full and informative reply, the 'I did everything I could' is where I have been for the past 9 months tbh. It would take sometimes 2 hours for me to get to where the father lived neither of us could drive then. I would do that, in her best interests, however he would not do the same for me. He would only turn up with his mother. I also feel that every time he gets in touch it is at his mother?s request.

Overall I am happy we split and were he a decent man I would love him to have contact with her, but he is in and out of part-time work, constantly on an xbox and generally waister. My current partner is in university and full time employment and always makes time to do family orientated days. Hence why I don't want an every other weekend visit confusing my daughter, and upsetting a stable steady environment for her.

The last time he saw her alone he made a video of her in just a nappy with him topless and her playing with his nipple (she was 6 months at the time) and posted it on YouTube without my consent. Now I find that incredibly strange/awkward and I hate the fact she is can be watched by strangers. Legally where would I stand on that? Is it worth mentioning in a possible future court hearing?

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Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 16:54

Oh my ex also knows where we live, and has recently contacted me telling me that he needs to know I still live there. As a father how often does he need to be updated on where we are living. I assumed he only needed to be informed where I live and again should I move.

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balia · 12/03/2013 17:36

If the father takes you to court, I'm afraid your reasons almost certainly wouldn't be enough to prevent contact. But - how likely is he to do that, realistically? Are you thinking he is going to because he has asked to check your address?

Who moved 2 hours away?

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Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 18:24

I was living with him and his mother, when it was clear he wasn't capable of basic things (wouldn't look after her, change her) and we weren't working I decided to move us out. I moved around an hour away by car, public transport = 2 hours.

Yes since he wishes to check the address, he already knows it I am worried he (his mother) will go to court.

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balia · 12/03/2013 19:03

OK - I don't think you have much to fear in terms of him/his mother getting residence (they don't call it 'custody').

However, when you say this After hearing more of the same and seeing how wonderful my new partner had taken to my daughter I came to the conclusion that my ex is simply not capable realistically of being a decent father for her. what exactly do you mean? Does he have contact with his DD at the moment?

To be fair, if you moved 2 hours away, it is reasonable that you do the majority of the travelling.

And I think you need to think very carefully about the kind of innuendo/veiled accusation you are making about your ex and the fb clip.

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Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 19:26

No the ex has not seen dd for 9 months, it was not a veiled accussation either, I just find it strange/bizzare to be uploading that sort of deeply personal moment on YouTube (not fb) without asking for my consent, or giving any thought as to what dd will think 10 years from now.

Is it reasonable to travel 2 hours for the ex to see her for maybe 3 hours, all the while I am being insulted by his mother and him, then have to travel 2 hours again?

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lostdad · 12/03/2013 19:33

Then only thing a court would look at is the best interests of the child. Odd behaviour like you are describing wouldn't count for anything in all likelihood and would look like you are just mudslinging. Remember being 'odd' isn't a reason to have your kids taken off you!

The fact you moved away is irrelevant at this stage and really you should BOTH be doing it but a court won't enforce on this so it is pointless worrying about it.

As for knowing your address: A parent doesn't have a legal right to know where their child lives although it is not an unreasonable expectation. Unless he is a danger don't worry about it. If he or his mum want to serve papers for a court case badly enough there are ways he can do that (a search and find order) via the courts and you won't stop it...just risk making yourself look obstructive.

I would suggest you send him an email/letter saying 'I'm more than happy to discuss contact with you but want to make sure our daughter's best interests are served. I'm concerned that the irregular contact upsets and unsettles her', etc.

You should do this and document it. Keep a diary of events. That way you are doing everything you can in your daughter's best interests and giving him the chance to be a good dad whilst being amicable'.

Worst comes to worst and you end up in court this is going to happen anyway and it will stand you in good stead to be able to demonstrate you have tried your best.

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Amilia15 · 12/03/2013 19:49

Thanks you very much Lostdad. very helpfull

I have documented the dates/times he has seen her in the past and have tried my best, to keep it regular, I will have to have a good think about whether it is worth writting a letter and opening up contact again though. Again thank you

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McKenzie13 · 14/03/2013 15:33

Hi Amillia15,

I am a Mckenzie Friend and see this sort of situation every day through the courts.

If the father/grandmother goes through the courts it is extremley likely they will get contact. I am a little concerned at the agressive way in which the grandmother has approached the situation. To be objective she probably doesn't understand the full situation and the fact that her son has not wanted contact.

For your daughter's sake it may be good to open the lines of communication. See if an agreement can be reached.

On a practical note, Father will probably have a different way of parenting to you. If he's rusty then he's going to have to learn fast. Nothing like on-the-job-training. And let's be fair... it's how we all learnt.

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