Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

PLEASE HELP! Custody...

(23 Posts)
christmaslover Thu 14-Feb-13 19:30:55

Hi everyone, the father of my baby is non stop harrassing me, we have never been in a relationship, at first there were 2 potential fathers but after paying for a prenatal dna test we determined it was him, we have been friends but recently I told him I didn't want him on the birth certificate until he'd proved to me he was going to me reliable and consistent in the babies life and was also gonig to provide and he didn't like the sound of this, i have pushed him away ever since, he has non stop called and texted threatening to take my baby if i didnt let him see the baby, i got a new number but i know it wont be long until he somehow gets it. He's saying he's going to go for custody and i know its unlikely as he's been in prison twice but i'm so scared he says he;s going to use the fact i didnt know who the father was against me and how i've told him he's not allowed on the birth certificate? his brother is in prison and he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother as far as i know where as i have a STRONG relationship with my family but i'm worried they wont take me seriously as i'm only 19? I have a 2 year old daughter whos thriving and a fantastic little girl she doesn't see her father but has strong bonds with my brothers and sisters, my babies will have there really own room and a lovely house. please help sad!

christmaslover Thu 14-Feb-13 19:32:15

sorry never even wrote in there, i'm 20 weeks pregnant with a little boy

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Thu 14-Feb-13 19:49:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madwomanacrosstheroad Thu 14-Feb-13 20:00:11

Have you thought of getting a non molestation order out if he is harassing you?

christmaslover Fri 15-Feb-13 11:01:25

Contacted a solicitor and as far as there concerned he won't get custody but have been told to contact the police about the harassment hopefully I will be able to sort something out.

kittycat68 Fri 15-Feb-13 13:31:23

why wont you let him see his child? him contacting you to see the child and you refusing then saying hes harrassing you about it wont do you any favours in court. you could be seen as being malious. a court would say that hes only contacting you because he wants to see the child which is reasonable. Op what kind of threats has he actually made. you can get a free hald hour consulatation with a solicitor so get some legal advice here.

hiddenhome Fri 15-Feb-13 16:37:36

He won't get custody, but the court will issue him with a contact order which will give him access rights. If you want to prevent this then all you do is either terminate the pregnancy or move to the other end of the country.

madwomanacrosstheroad Fri 15-Feb-13 18:10:09

With a documented history of harrassment/ emotional abuse there is a chance of indirect contact, especially if he has a criminal history as well. You need to look into getting a non-molestation order and make sure hospital etc are aware of it so he cant suddenly turn up. Also no matter what DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. It will give him equal rights re the child. You will need his signature anytime the child needs a passport, he can turn up at the school and make decisions etc. Even if the relationship improves, becomes civil etc it is not something you want unless you are actually co-parenting a child with someone. Talk to your solicitor. Also womems aid usually can advise. They also offer a suppott service for court.

I am surprised you thought him good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to be on a birth certificate?

I am surprised your GP even went a head with a prenatal dna test under the circumstances.

I agree that you should try keep your pants on a little. Could do you good.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 15-Feb-13 18:15:55

You don't need both parents signatures on a child's passport.

The baby isn't born yet, I either suggest you wait and see how the situation pans out when baby is born or in the meantime report him for harassing you if that's what he's doing.

It's unfair to refuse to allow the father contact with his baby.

madwomanacrosstheroad Fri 15-Feb-13 19:40:45

You do need both signatures of both have parental responsibility. A father whose name is on the birthcertificate has in recent years automatic parental responsibility.
I certainly have on my life time had sex with men i would not want to have on my childs birth certificate or anywhere in my life (in hindsight). I was lucky enough not to get pregnant in those situations.
I dont think op was intending to not allow the man contact. I think she very sensibly said she did not want him on the birth cert to which he respondet with threats of abduction and ongoing harrassment.
Contacy is not a parents right, it needs to be in the childs best interest taking all factors into account and there are situations where no direct contact is in the child's best interest. Also contact is in no way tied to maintenance payments.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 15-Feb-13 20:02:38

How long has this been a requirement, my children's passports only have my signature on it.

Seriously if he's harassing you op report him to the police and get a non molestation order out against him.

BabyRoger Fri 15-Feb-13 20:11:33

It's good you have spoken to a solicitor. They have told you he is not likely to get custody. Do what your solicitor said and contact the police re the harassment.

I'm so sorry but I do think you should try to steer clear of a relationship for a while. You already have one little one and another on the way (and you were unsure who your new baby's father is). Concentrate on your two little ones. Good luck.

MN044 Fri 15-Feb-13 20:16:01

How exactly does one obtain a prenatal DNA test? And why did either of you want to establish it was his if he really is such a tit? He has every right to be on the birth certificate unfortunately.

madwomanacrosstheroad Fri 15-Feb-13 20:41:30

Just double chrcked the passport issue. I was mistaken re british passports (my kids are on irish passports). Seems quite scary actually. Either parent with parental responsibility can sign unless there is a court order preventing it and contact order does not seem to have that power. So theoretically a non resident father appears to be able to apply for a passport without the mums knowledge. And yes i know there is thr de hague convention but not all countries are signatories and even then it can take years.
Anyway i dont think any man has a right to have full legal parental responsibilty and as such equal rights to the mother just because they had sex mine months prior to the birth. I would not want to share parental responsibility with someone whom i dont have a supportive relationship with and if you reread the first post, there are all kinds of risk factors why no remotrly sane mother give this man equal rights re her child.

madwomanacrosstheroad Fri 15-Feb-13 21:39:08

I dont want to come accross as paranoid or bitter but the op stated the pregnancy was the result of a casial fling.The prenatal test was private, so obviously not through the gp. It appears that for a while they had a civil relationship until she made it clear to him that she was not going to gove him legal roghts until it was evident that he would be a stable and positive factor on the babys life. At that point he kicks off and becomes threatening and abusive, which causes her considerable stress.
She knows he is fr a unstable background and has been in prison so she wants to be cautious before involving him permanently in her or her childrens life.
I actually think that is quite responsible.
Obviously getting pregnant under the circumstances was maybe not ideal bit is by no means totally uncommon.
She sounds as if she was clearly prioritising her childrens needs and is being protective.

digerd Sat 16-Feb-13 13:14:17

If not married, and only the mother is present to register the birth, then no father's name will be entered on the birth certificate. The father must be present at registration to be named on the certificate. He probably knows this.

digerd Sat 16-Feb-13 13:20:56

OP stated above that they were never in a relationship, not that it makes any difference to the child.

christmaslover Sun 17-Feb-13 12:00:00

I had to pay £1000 privately to get a prenatal dna test done as I opted for the one that was non-invasive as didn't want to risk an amniotic fluid one, if you google it you will be able to find information. I had no idea he had been to prison until after the 'night' had happened and he was perfectly nice and reasonable with me and we had a good friendship until i found out about his past, i was never rude or unreasonable I simply told him i wanted to know he was going to be there for his son and not just until the novelty wore off, i brought my daughter up on my own and i know i could do it again and if it means that's what's best for my son I will happily do it. I've never ever told him i would not let him see his son, i'm not malicious enough to do that, i simply said to him i wasnt comfortable putting his name on the birth certificate until i knew he'd see him consistently. it was a mistake yes and maybe i should have 'kept my legs closed' but i'm taking responsibility for my actions i came on her for advice not to be ridiculed. thankyou so much to everyone that's helped i've got a face to face appointment with a family lawyer this week so hopefully will be able to sort something out and figure out where I stand in all of this.

madwomanacrosstheroad Sun 17-Feb-13 13:59:06

Dont feel bad. I dont know many people who get a criminal background check done before sleeping with someone. Things happen. You are being protective regarding your children and are prioritising their needs.
He sounds controlling and that makes him potentially dangerous towards you and your children.

chickensarmpit Sun 17-Feb-13 14:06:41

A baby being used as a toy before its even been born! I find it odd to say he cannot go onto the birth certificate, surely this will hel when it comes to the Csa? Doesn't he have as much right to be a parent as you do?

chickensarmpit Sun 17-Feb-13 14:10:28

Madwoman. Of course a father should have equal rights regarding a child, even if it was conceived through a one night stand.

madwomanacrosstheroad Sun 17-Feb-13 15:12:57

A father should not have the right to harrass and upset the mother or control her. I do believe that it depends on the situation but if a woman gets pregnant in a casial relationship the decision on whether to proceed with the pregnancy is hers and as she usually is the one who brings up the child she is the one who who should have sole parental responsibility.
Contact is a seperate matter. If direct contact is in the childs best interest (it not always is) then of course, if not indirect contact or no contact can be decided by the court.
Why should any woman be put under pressure to put a man on the birth certificate unless she so wishes?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now