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Ex-partner verbally abusive and doesn't return calls when has child - can I set up a legal agreement?

(7 Posts)
Boing1 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:21:59

Hi, I wonder if anyone on here can please help me? I'm at my wits end and today I have just broken, I can't stop crying!
I currently have an arrangement where my ex-partner has our 11 month old daughter every other weekend and I sometimes let him have her during the week as well. We agreed that he could have her, if he agreed that he would communicate with me whilst she's in her care if she was ill etc, but if not, just one phone call in the evening when she's gone to bed to let me know how she is. He started doing this really well, but in recent weeks has stopped doing it and when I call him I get shouted down and called all the names under the sun.
I just feel that he has no right to talk to me like that and I don't want to have anything to do with him until we can agree a preferred method of communication moving forwards.
So, I have two questions:
1. Am I within my rights to stop access until we have reached an agreement, in order to protect myself?
2. Is it possible to get a legal document drawn up that outlines a kind of 'code of conduct' between one another? If so, can anyone recommend anyone good that does this?
Thank you so much in advance, I really appreciate anyone's advice, or even just to hear from someone that has been in a similar situation and to hear it works out in the end. I feel exhausted of putting all the effort and work in and getting nothing back apart from vulgar language and behaviour.
Thanks

RedHelenB Fri 23-Nov-12 13:38:54

I'm sorry but as her Dad he is under no obligation to ring you - it is not up to you to dictate terms or withhold access as a threat. Also, you don't "let him" see her during the week. I think you need to examine your attitude towards him before complaining about his, you meed to let go of the reins a bit!!

lovedlots Fri 23-Nov-12 18:14:42

Hello
No harsh advice her unlike the last post! I am sure someone with legal knowledge will be along soon with actual legal advice. But I didn't want your post to go unresponded to without saying that your anxieties will ease over time. I am sure your Exp is caring for her correctly and she is safe. You just need to try and relax. Your ex probably feels judged by you wanting a call each night. 'If' you can explain to him that the resquest for a call is not because you are judging him but for your own piece of mind then that might be the best way forward rather than a legal process. A legal process might be like cracking a nut with a sledge hammer! There is no excuse for abuse so if this carrys on then this will need to be addressed.

lovedlots Fri 23-Nov-12 18:15:14

Sorry here not her!

Boing1 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:19:08

Thanks Lovedlots, appreciate you responding. I do see what you're saying and I think today had just escalated to the point where I reached the end of my tether. It's really more the verbal abuse which would be the reason I would stop access in the interim, to protect myself from the upset, not as a punishment to him, as I do want my daughter to have him in her life as their relationship is totally different to ours.
I guess I'll have to see what happens.
Thanks again.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 23-Nov-12 20:17:18

Not legal advice I'm afraid, but I technique I found helped change my mindset was to remember that contact is not for Dad's benefit, it's for DD.

So rather than thinking/saying that you "let him have her during the week", word it from your DDs perspective, saying that you "let DD see her Dad during the week". It isn't quite as comfortable that way, is it?

With regard to the phone calls - rather than him phoning you to let you know how she is, try explaining to her Dad that you think it's important that your DD has regular contact with both her parents every day, even if its just for a minute or two, and suggest Skype or FaceTime as a way of doing this - ensuring that you offer him the same when she's at home with you, too.

DorisIsWaiting Fri 23-Nov-12 20:37:00

I think if you are expecting him to phone everyday during contact you need to turn that around and think am I phoning him everyday when she is with me?

If the answer is yes then youa re not being unreasonable asking for reciprocation, if it's no maybe you need to think of him a little more as a co-parent who WILL care for her maybe not exactly as you would, but care noththeless.

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