unmarried couple separating - need advice re house please!

[thetwinboysmum]

First post here from a long term lurker.

I need to know if I am doing the sensible thing or if i'm being being stupid!

We own the house jointly but are not married, we have a declaration of trust and 2 dc aged 6. He cheated on me and continued the relationship after I found out, we have tried living together but with separate lives but it's difficult and I am unhappy.

I am considering taking my share of the house and privately renting with this money. He will take over the mortgage and stay in the house.

My reasons for doing this are that I am a stay at home mum, so no income at the moment, the money will last me a few years and I hope to get on the housing register.

On one hand I think this is my only option, on the other hand I think maybe I am missing something here are being foolish.

I have briefly spoken to a solictor on the phone, who basically said in order to stay in the house I would need to be able to support myself, which doesn't seem an option as I am not working at the moment.

Also I cannot afford to get proper legal advice right now.

Thanks for reading!

[onceortwice]

If it were me, I would be asking him to leave and then look at taking a lodger to cover the mortgage.

Your Ex will need to pay CS but not maintenence.

I would definitely be looking to keep my children in their home. Moving into rental accomodation is a major upheaval for you and them and, should anything happen, your Ex would be in a much stronger position should you ever argue about resisdency, as he could offer a stable home and you might not be able to.

I really think, he was the one that walked away from the relationship, he is the one that needs to be finding alternative accomodation.

it's a long shot, but have you a garage / shed you could convert, so you don't have to live 'together'?

[cestlavielife]

You can only get your share if your ex buys you out where would he get the money from ? or if house is sold and you each take your share of equity.

Also you might be able to get some of his share to house the children. Though if you have no income how d you plan to do this?
You need to get all financial details together among of equity etc and go see a solicitor.

What does ex want to do ?

Does he want to keep the house ? Where is he proposing the children live?

Could you work as dc are six? Any reason why not ? If so you need t have details of what salary you could make ef enough to cover mortgage ?

[Bartholemew]

As you are unmarried you could look into a Schedule 1 Children's Act 1989 Order which would allow you and your children to remain at your home until the children reach 18. babybarrister is right though - you really do need to take legal advice - a free half hour would be useful.

As you are a stay at home mum with a child over the age of 5 one option would be to claim JSA (if you can show you are living separately from your ex you can claim JSA whilst you both live under the same roof) which would then mean you were entitled to claim Support for Mortgage Interest. You would still be liable to pay the capital but perhaps you could investigate whether your mortgage lender would allow you to change the mortgage to interest only for a period of time. It would buy you time whilst you looked at your options. Also, if you are in receipt of JSA you may be entitled to Legal Aid.

In my experience you need to research, research, research and then clarify everything you find on the internet with a real person. Knowledge is power and if you are armed with facts and figures I find it really helps to keep you grounded in what is a very stressful time.

Finally, if you have separated you can also claim tax credits as a single person.

Good luck!

[mumblechum1]

Good advice from Bartholemew there.

[achillea]

I agree with the points about doing lots of research, Gingerbread will also give you tailored advice and are very helpful.

Are you playing a long game in order to get low cost housing long term? That is not a bad decision because it frees you up to taking work that isn't as well paid which will benefit your lifestyle (having to be there for the children) or you will be able to study or retrain.

I wouldn't let him stay in the house, it just doesn't sound fair to me, you should agree to sell the house and be done with it. That way you both start on the same footing and he won't be the one with the stability if there is a dispute about residence for the children.

Your children are young and adaptable, they will cope with a move if it is the right thing for you. Remember that ex will need to be fairly close to you geographically to allow for access. You don't want to be driving hours to drop them off, so consider that as well.

[olgaga]

Have a look at this leaflet from AdviceNow, page 13 "What happens if you split up?":

"If you have children together, a court can order a transfer of the tenancy to a parent on behalf of the children under the Children Act 1989. This would typically happen to keep the children housed. This does not mean that they
get a larger share of the home, but simply that they can stay in it while it is the home of the children ? until they reach 18 or leave full time education.
You can only sell the home if both owners agree to it."
static.advicenow.org.uk/files/lt-housing-2010-1208.pdf

Also read this:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Moneypropertyandpossessionswhenyourrelationshipends/Ifyourenotmarriedorinacivilpartnership/DG_192044

Helplines:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php#1
www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/425/Helpline

[thetwinboysmum]

Thank you all for your replies, I have had a bad few days.....feeling very emotional and down, today is better, in am still riding the rollercoaster of been up one minute, down the next.

I have to right run now, but I will be back later. I have found that getting a free half hour with a solicitor is proving difficult in my town, the one I found that did just spoke to me for about 5 mins on the phone and then told me how much it would cost to go any further. Does anyone know if the Community Legal Advice Line is any good?

[olgaga]

Yes why not give it a try? They'll advise you on your eligibility for Legal Aid too. Don't forget to try the links above for the advice lines of Women's Aid and Rights of Women.

I will post some more information when I'm back on my own pc.

[olgaga]

Here's the further info, hope you find it useful:


Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links
It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.
Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
//www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
//www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
//www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

//www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
//www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
//www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
//www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

//www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

//www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
//www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
//www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
//www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
//www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
//www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
//www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
//www.maypole.org.uk/
Housing //www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.