Who should officially be RP? BT of a weird situation.

[madonnawhore]

Might post this in step parenting as well, but wondered if any of you sages had any advice.

In a nutshell: 

My DP has a 5 year old DD. 

He and ex split two years ago. They weren't married. 

His DD 'lives' with her mum. But spends either 5/6 nights a week (inc a weekend) or 3/4 nights a week (not inc a weekend) at my DP's, on alternate weeks. 

His DD goes to nursery in the mornings and is cared for by her granny (her mum's mum) in the afternoon. Or some days his DD is cared for by his ex.

I'm not sure exactly how it's split between the granny and the mum. The point is, they do childcare during the afternoons when DP is at work, but then either 5/6 nights or 3/4 nights of the week, DP will pick up his DD on the way home from work and she'll stay the night with him.

He's supposed to have her alternate weekends. But lately he's had her about four weekends in a row. And this often happens. There was one time when he had her six weekends in a row. 

When his DD starts school in Sep, the same arrangement will stand, except obviously the granny and the mum won't be doing childcare in the afternoons any more. On days he has her, she'll attend after school club until he can pick her up on the way home from work. (Because neither the mum or the gran can be arsed to pick her up for a few hours so they feel she might as well stay there).

Anyway, the main thing I want to ask is surely on paper, especially when his DD starts school, DP will be the RP? Is there a way of making it official without it turning into an utter shit show?

In fact, on paper, he's the RP now. But his ex seems to be in complete denial, or completely oblivious to how little actual time she spends with her daughter. She still calls all the shots and 'tells' DP when he's to have his DD. She'll randomly switch days and arrangements at the last minute. But it always works out that he has her for the same amount of days. 

He's desperate to have his DD full time. But until now, the fact that his ex (or her mum) does the childcare during the day has stopped him from saying anything and rocking the boat. 

Oh, and he's overpaying CS each month. When he realised he told his ex and she kicked off saying if anything he should pay even more!

What, if anything, can he do?

And thank you if you made it this far!

[olgaga]

Sounds very sad for a child to be shuttled around like that, but maybe you should take your cue from her. Is she happy with things as they are?

Perhaps with DD starting school now would be a good time for your DP to try to get some consistency in the arrangements - when they start school things do need to be a little more organised with regard to consent forms, materials for activities, PE kits and the like!

[madonnawhore]

Yeah it's not very nice for his DD. She loves being with him but you don't have to read between the lines too closely to see that she's very insecure about where she stands with her mum.

Anyway, DP is scared that if he delicately points out that actually, he's the main carer and perhaps that might be officially recognised, his ex will cut back the amount of time he spends with his DD.

Does anyone know where he'd stand legally if she did this? I thought the history of him having had her as often as he does would count towards him if it ended up in court. Or would they always favour the mum?

[olgaga]

Well it depends...you might want to take a look at this thread, which has a few similarities (in reverse) and pointers you might find interesting!


www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/a1519834-Children-query-and-NRP-delegating-care-to-others#33004990

[STIDW]

From the sound of things the child spends a substantial amount of time in both homes so the reality is shared residence.

[cestlavielife]

child maintenance - CSA rules . sh could go to CSA to enforce it.

residence - it is effecgively shared residence and this would give each parent equal rights. eg to take on holiday.

not clear what if any issues with mum - if grandmother is point of stability when she with mum then i dont see the issue here .

[olgaga]

Personally I'd leave it until school starts again and see how things go.

Joint residence doesn't necessarily mean equal contact anyway. If she is staying with your DP for at least half the time then he might want to get maintenance reassessed - but judging by the ex's reaction, be prepared for that to make life more difficult, all things considered!

I take it you've checked the CSA calculator?
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

[JabberJay]

Well if dd spends more overnight with you than at her mums your home is her primary residence. It should be your home that is registered with child benefit office, tax credits, the school, doctors etc. Please tell me that you DP isn't paying dsd's mother maintenance too?

If dsd's mother tries to withhold contact for financial gain or just to be spiteful then see a solicitor. Take it to court and they are
likely to agree that the cutter arrangement, if it's been in place a good while, should not be changed drastically so to create continuity for dsd.