Husband is pushing for divorce. I want to delay it..

[cwtchy]

I have another thread in relationships detailing every recent twist and turn of my marriage...my H walked out at the end of March with absolutely no warning, and is now moving in with another woman. He wants a divorce as quickly as possible, but he has only known this woman for 4-5 months at the very most.

I would rather separate our finances with a legal separation (we don't have much assets, and we are splitting them equally) and then divorce later. It's all too quick for me to cope with, but I don't know what I can do.

If I file for divorce now though, are there advantages to me? Will my costs be lower for example? We both have had free advice from solicitors that are members of Resolution, but I am so raw I can't even think straight. Obviously I can't stop him divorcing me if that's what he wants, but it's been so quick!

[MOSagain]

I'm very sorry about the breakdown of your marriage. Never easy.

With regards to the possibility of a legal separation now and then divorce in the future (presumably 2 years separation and consent) obviously there would be increased costs as you'd be paying for the SA now and then more costs in 2 years time for the divorce and Consent Order setting out the financial aspects that you'd agreed.

I can understand why this all seems too soon for you but if you both accept the marriage is over (do you?) then sometimes it makes more sense to just go ahead and deal with it all now.

If it is going to happen now, my opinion is that it would be preferable for you to issue a petition rather than letting him go ahead (it would have to be on your unreasonable behaviour which would be like rubbing salt in your wounds)

Have you suggested mediation or will he not agree?

[MOSagain]

PS, what I meant by my mediation suggestion was not so much in relation to trying to save the marriage but more to find a way forward to dealing with the ending of it as amicably as possible.

[cwtchy]

Thanks for relplying, MOS. I haven't time to process that he has actually left, I don't think....I hadn't thought that the separation agreement would incur more costs. Obvious, really though.

I think he would agree to mediation, is this generally a cheaper option? He is amicable towards me if I am nice to him, and he would like to remain friends with me so if this is the best option he would likely go for it.

So I'm guessing I issue a petition, then we mediate a way through it? We could probably even agree on most things without much help.

[Collaborate]

The psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 emotional stages of separation:

Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Acceptance.

Your husband started his journey some time ago, and may already be at the acceptance stage. You may be in one of the early stages, playing catch up and being utterly bewildered at the situation you find yourself in.

Try a Collaborative approach. Family Therapists can get involved as part of the process. This imbalance in emotional states should be looked out for by Collaborative lawyers.

[reddaisy]

I think if you petition against him then it will give you more control over the timeline as he can't issue a counter divorce petition. Which means it can take as long as you want! But check that as it is off the top of my head.

[cwtchy]

Collaborate, thanks, I had heard of the Kubler-Ross curve and I am certainly nowhere near the acceptance stage!! I am told (repeatedly, by lots of people) that I will get there. I wanted a bit more time to deal with the emotions, but the financial situation can't be ignored and so something has to be done now.

Interesting that I can slow things down if I'm in control, Reddaisy! He's rubbish with paperwork/doing things when he should anyway, so it could take a while. I think he just wants to know its been started.

[Collaborate]

He can issue a cross petition at any time, but I agree he's unlikely to do so if you've issued.

[RedHelenB]

I was in a very similar situation to you & I thought about the separation agreement but in the end divorced him for adultery & the time scale was over 6 months, nearly a year so i had time to feel more at ease with it, He threatened to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour & his reasons gave me the best laugh i had had in ages eg. didn't get him his favourite food when i did a shop!!!

[MOSagain]

'didn't get him his favourite food'? was a solicitor seriously going to put that in a behaviour petition! sounds like a sulky little teenager. You are clearly far better off without him

[Dropdeadfred]

So he's not divorcing on account of his adultery? I guess you can't put yourself forward for that you have to petition in that account

[cwtchy]

I'm wondering now if I can do the bulk of the work myself. Maybe we could use a mediator to come to an agreement on the finances.

If the facts are based on adultery, is it rare to name a co-respondent? I know the dates and place the adultery first occurred, and he has admitted it to me. It doesn't make much difference to the end result I know, but I could ask her to pay some of the costs?

[Dropdeadfred]

If you claim adultery then you, as the wounded party, can claim all basic divorce costs from the other party. No need to mention her - when your finances are sorted your £1500 ( example) is deducted from his share.

[PurplePlant]

He is amicable towards me if I am nice to him, and he would like to remain friends with me

Seriously?? Of course he bloody is! He knows he is on dodgy ground. It is in his best interest to be nice to you while the financial settlement is agreed.

I very much doubt he will still make the effort to be friends when this is all over.
(I remember your first post, when all this unravelled in the space of a few hours. Friends wouldn't treat you like that)

Divorce takes time, you are looking at, at least 6-12 months. Quite possibly double that.

Do Not Get Divorced until the finances are in order and a judge agrees that they are fair.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I recall that you have a good support network around you in RL. Take strength from that, and here obviously!

[MOSagain]

He cannot petition on his own adultery.

I would strongly advise against naming the Co-Respondent as if you do, they become a party to the proceedings and need to be served with copies of documentation. This will just increase costs and animosity. It is enough to state that the Respondent committed adultery with an un-named woman or a woman whose identity you know but do not wish to name.

Purple, Decree Nisi has to be pronounced before a DJ can even consider a Consent order if they reach an agreement on finances. The Court does not have the power to make or approve an order until that point. I'm guessing you mean don't apply for Decree Absolute until finances sorted?

[MOSagain]

dropdeadfred, it doesn't work quite like that. The petitioner can seek an order for costs against the Respondent. If on pronouncement of the Decree Nisi the DJ feels it is appropriate then he/she will make such an order. Enforcing it however is another matter. In any event, it will be divorce costs only, not anything to do with ancillary relief and unlikely to be in the region of 1,500

OP, if you petition on his adultery, please do not name the co-Respondent and seek an order for costs. If he wants the divorce then hopefully he will agree to this.

[mumblechum1]

MOS has said everything I would have said!

MOS, get out in the garden woman!

[MOSagain]

LOL at mumblechum. I've been out there all afternoon as DD home sick so thought I'd supervise from garden whilst sunbathing. I read somewhere that brown fat looks better than white fat

[mumblechum1]

Arf. Currently white and red striped fat here.

[Dropdeadfred]

Mos - I attended a solicitors appt this week who stated that my friend would be able to claim their 'basic divorce package' costs of £1925 from the adulterous party. She said it like it was a fact

[PurplePlant]

Mos Yes, Decree Absolute. Thanks for clarifying.

[cwtchy]

Ok, so if he will have to pay, stuff trying to do it myself. I met a lovely female divorced solicitor who I will use, I think.

No naming co-respondent, message received, MOS! I will be petitioning on adultery, though.

Oh well, I need to get this started. Thanks for the advice all, my head is so fuzzy at the moment that it is a great help.

[ivykaty44]

I am sorry for the break down of your marriage.

I would not under any circumstances go for a seperation order but for a divorce only.

I can tell that this is hard for you

[MOSagain]

dropdead well good luck with that one! I stand to be corrected by any of the other lawyers on here but I really would be suprised if a respondent coughed up that sort of money towards the divorce costs.

cytchy I can totally understand why you want to petition on adultery and in your position I would do the same. Has he indicated that he will admit the adultery (this is required). I totally appreciate how difficult this is for you and hope you have a lot of support in real life x

[mumblechum1]

Agree with MOS as always. The only costs which are likely to be recoverable are of the main suit, ie the divorce itself. I'm in the Home Counties so not the cheapest of areas but even so wouldn't charge more than £500 plus VAT plus court fees (£385) so about £1k for an undefended adultery case.

[Dropdeadfred]

Well I hope my friend wasn't deceived but the solicitor told us that the aggrieved party has the right to seek their basic expenses and that was their basic quote £1925. She did say anything over and above that would not be claimable. She seemed to think it was the norm as far as her cases involving adultery went - we didn't ask for this info she volunteered it.