abusive ex boyfriend solicitors letter demanding contact with my son (non parent)

[njhc]

hello can anyone help me or give me any information as to where i stand? i will try to keep this short.
i have just recieved a solicitors letter sent to my work from my ex partner demanding contact with my son. he is not my sons father, my son is 7 years old.
we had a very on/off relationship that spanned out over 5 years. he was an extremely abusive partner, an alcoholic and a complete narcissist. he was constantly physically violent and emotionally abusive. he was arrested several times but never charged as i always dropped charges. i also had to be treated in hospital a few times. he is extremely manipulative and during my time with him i was an emotional wreck, life was awful.
the last time we got back together i had left him for a year, during that time he got sober and became an active member of AA. with his constant pressurising to get back together i decided to give him another chance, this time it lasted around 5 or 6 months before i knew things hadnt really changed that much. he wasnt drinking or physically abusive but still very contolling and emotionally unstable. we have now been completely seperated for 18 months and i know i will never go back. during this time he has constantly harrassed me asking to get back together and to see my son.i have even had to move house. a few months ago i contacted the police who asked him to leave me alone but to be honest the police even made me feel bad about keeping my son away as he had charmed them into believing he is now mr perfect. he has now been sober 3 years, has a good job and spends his spare time travelling and talking about AA.
He did have a good relationship with my son, although the arguing, the violence and smashing up my home was always done infront of him and he does remember. he has a great relationship with his father and sees him regularily. my son understands that sometimes boyfriends come and go but his dad is always there.
i do not want my ex to come back into our lives, life has been great since i am finally free. i am really worried, i will ignore this letter but i know the next step would be an application through the courts for contact. has he any chance of it being granted?

[CharlieUniformNovemberTango]

So has he not seen your ds for the 18 months you've been apart?

[njhc]

no i neither of us have had any contact with him at all. he harrased me by post, email and hanging around outside my place of work once...thats when i contacted the police. i have ignored every effort.

[Longtalljosie]

It's nothing to do with your son and everything to do with trying to control you. See a solicitor, get a letter sent back. He has no PR - and your DS witnessed domestic violence. Nothing will come of this - it's just one more thing to endure before you're finally free of him. Stay strong.

[njhc]

i know this, its just difficult to prove! he is a very charming man on the outside, i suppose most abusive men are or they wouldnt get away with it!
i really cant afford a solicitor and to be honest i begrudge having to even consider spending up to £1000 to fight this. my ex has inherited a large amount of money so he wouldnt be worried about the cost

[hellsbells76]

His solicitor should have informed him he didn't have a leg to stand on and refused to write the letter. He must have been laughing his head off as he collected his fee for writing that load of bollocks. Ex is not your son's father and he has no more right to contact with him than I have. Don't even bother replying, just bin it and ignore.

[njhc]

thank you all for your replies.
babybarrister, i have researched a little and have seen that he has to apply to the court for permission, i will have a look at those sections. he has totally played up and exagerated his involvement with my son to his solicitor. we lived together for around a year 4 years ago and have not since.
will he be granted permission?
i am terrified at the thought of even having to see this man again in court.

[njhc]

thank you hellsbells.
i hope so

[MOSagain]

Agree with babybarrister. Would also add he sounds a complete twat and I'm guessing that maybe he didn't tell his solicitor that he wasn't your son's father? Either instruct a solicitor to write back or do it yourself. Point out he isn't your son's father, he doesn't have PR, he has had no contact with him, direct or indirect for the past 18 months and therefore any form of contact is inappropriate.

[CharlieUniformNovemberTango]

What does the letter actually say? I can't see how a solicitor can demand contact really. He can ask you to consider negotiating something but you are not obliged to answer him.

If he wishes to take it further I doubt it will be easy given the fact he's got no PR, has had no contact for a long time, has been violent in front of your ds, has had previous contact with the police and ds did not live with him for an extended time prior to your split.

I would ignore it if you really can't afford the solicitor. It's up to him to pursue it then and he's not having the desired affect of being in touch with you so he may just drop it. And if you aren't willing to sort contact between you his solicitor should tell him his chances of gatting anything forced via a court are very very slim.

[MOSagain]

LOL at your name Charlie

[RandomMess]

When you write back to your ex-P solicitor I was also include that your ds has his natural father in his life as a positive role model and he does not want contact with a man who he witnessed being violent and controlling towards his mother. Will help fill in the blanks for the solicitor

[Cashncarry]

I can see why you'd want to ignore it, particularly if you can't afford legal advice. I agree with the general consensus here that he hasn't got a leg to stand on in court given the lack of pr etc. How about sending your own letter back to the solicitors setting out the following points:

1. Dickhead isn't your child's father and lacks pr therefore will need leave of the Court before making an application for contact.
   

1. Even if leave is granted, there is no doubt the court will not grant him an order for contact given (a) there is evidence of serious physical domestic abuse (hospital and police reports) and (b) he has recently been warned by the police not to harass you [no need to tell them police didn't take you particularly seriously]
   

1. Making an unfounded claim for contact with yourself is a course of conduct you consider to be a continuation of his harassment. If he continues, you will make your own application to court for a non-molestation order and seek the costs from him.
   

1. Now that the solicitors are aware he has no basis in law for seeking contact with your son, they should seek to allow themselves to be used as a means by which their client can continue to harass you. If they continue to approach you by any communication, you can and will report them to the Law Society [disclaimer: not sure if Law Society will accept complaints about the other party's solicitors but worth a shot!]
   

If nothing else, at least you've taken control of the situation and put down in writing something a third party will have to explain to him. Maybe that will finally get it into his thick head that you're not going to be intimidated or scared by his behaviour anymore.

[Cashncarry]

Point three doesn't make any sense - I meant to type "making an unfounded claim for contact with your son.

I think Random's very good point should be included if you decide to write back yourself.

[Cashncarry]

Point four is also gibberish (note to self to wake up before posting)

It should say:

Now that the solicitors are aware he has no basis in law for seeking contact with your son, they should not seek to allow themselves to be used as a means by which their client can continue to harass you. If they continue to approach you by any communication, you can and will report them to the Law Society [disclaimer: not sure if Law Society will accept complaints about the other party's solicitors but worth a shot!]

[RandomMess]

passes cashncarry a strong latte to take up to bed.

[Cashncarry]

[Xenia]

Yes, do what cash says. If there is any other evidence of how little time he spent with you add that in too.

However I do not agree the solicitors are wrong. Just because a mother says there was hardly any contact does not mean they have to assume right away their client is a liar. You might have records of contact, the electoral register which is on line - 192.com does not cost much to access - might help, you might have friends who can give a statement saying the contact that there was.

[Cashncarry]

No I do agree with you Xenia that solicitor is not necessarily wrong. We don't know what ex has said to them after all. If he was honest I would have expected tentative proposals for contact acknowledging lack of biological link/PR I think. If they're aware their client has been reported for harassment, a first letter should be much more conciliatory I think not a blunt demand for contact.

Seems obvious to me that ex has exhausted normal routes to harass OP and is now trying legal channels. His solicitor should be more careful once OP has given her side IMO.

[Cashncarry]

True BB - I supposed I'm getting carried away a bit with point 4 - maybe skip that OP!

[Xenia]

Yes, I tend to think if people in family disputes can avoid calling (a) police (b) social services and (c) professional bodies you usually make it easier to resolve things. We do not want social services coming in and saying ah abusive partner on scene, taking child into care and then forcibly adopting it as they have been known to do and then the parent regrets ever mentioning the issue to the authorities.

[FlangelinaBallerina]

Unless you're legal aid eligible, OP, I probably wouldn't even bother getting a solicitor to assist you in writing back. You can just write that you're not prepared to allow contact given that he isn't the biological father and has no PR, has harassed you, was abusive in front of DS and hasn't seen him in ages. Don't be rude or slag off the solicitors, and remember that if there are court proceedings, the letter will be seen by the judge.

As babybarrister points out, he'd need to apply to the court for permission before even being able to make an application for contact. He might well get permission to apply for contact, doesn't mean he'd be granted contact.

Additionally, depending on whether he's on legal aid and where you are in the country, the whole thing is likely to take ages. The family court system is almost collapsing in some areas, there are lengthy delays. If he's on legal aid, he'd need to be referred to mediation before getting funding to make an application to court. This case probably won't be suitable for mediation given the DV, but it's still a hoop that he'll have to jump through. And it's taking a couple of months for applications for legal aid to be granted as well. So there are a number of things he'll have to do before even being able to apply for contact, and they'll probably take a while. The fact that someone cared enough to get a solicitor to write a letter doesn't mean they'll care enough to continue jumping through hoops.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

Hi op. I have had letters like this over the years from ds's birth mum. She strolls into solicitors and tells a fairy story and we get a letter demanding contact
We ignore them. She has no pr, has not seen him in 8 years and he is adopted
It's about control and trying to stir us up, prove something.
The sad thing is she would be having regular contact if she really wanted it.

[njhc]

thank you for all your replies, i am feeling a little more positive.
the letter just went on and on about how distressed my ex is not seeing my son and that he is sure my son is feeling the same distress. he has greatly exaggerated their relationship saying he was primary carer for a year and provided financial support, these are lies. im sorry everyone, the letter is asking me to reconsider contact but are asking for a reply within 14 days. i have been half expecting this, after i spoke to the police about his harrasment they informed me he is going to take me to court for contact. im just expecting the demands to come.
i think i will write back myself and mention everything you have all said. i am wondering whether to deny we ever lived together, my ex was never 'officially' living with me, never on my tenancy agreement, electoral register and all his mail etc still went to his parents.