teenage step daughter refuses to come home

[concernedpartner]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years.she has two children aged 16 and 13 from her previous marriage. She was divorced in 2004 and both children remained in the family home until her son the eldest went to live with his father in 2010 by mutual consent.up until 3mths ago her daughter refused to even see her father despite encouragement.recently however due to tension in her relationship with her mother she has begun to spend time with her father. Now she claims she wants to live with him and refuses to come home and her father refuses to allow her to . What are her mothers legal rights?

[MrsPresley]

If you are in Scotland, at 16 she is an adult and you cant make her come home, sorry.

Not sure about elsewhere.

[MrsPresley]

Sorry, is it the 13 yo that wont come home?

[concernedpartner]

Thx for ur response mrs p-yes its the 13 yr old that wont come home and we are in london

[SuperSlattern]

The law is the same in England too, if you're 16 you can leave home.

I know this because I left home at 16 and my parents sought legal advice.

Op I think you are best speaking to CAB. However does her father have any form of parental responsibility?

[titchy]

None. Parents have no rights - only responsibilities. At 13 unless she has SN a court would allow her to make the choice of where to live. As sad as it may seem all your wife can do is make sure the lines of communicatin remain open - email, text, letter, phone calls. Even if the 13 year old doesn't reply.

If there are welfare concerns then that is a different ball game and social services would need to be involved.

[concernedpartner]

titchy thx for ur reply-no SN and no welfare concerns unless you consider the psychological damage which will occur once my wifes ex husband gets bored of using his daughter as a stick to beat my wife-surely it is in the girls best interest to stay with her mother regardless of what the girl thinks at this particular moment in time. What if she decides in a few days she doesn't want to stay at her dads after all because he to said something she decided didn't suit her?

[titchy]

In that she would presumably return and her father would have no choice but to return her. Would mediation work - your wife and her ex work out between them the contact they would like? Otherwise there's no a lot you can do but reassure your step dd you all miss her and love her and will always welcome her if she decides to come back - which tbh being 13 probably won't be that long....

[waltermittymissus]

"Surely it is within the girls best interest to stay with her mother"

Can I ask why, if there are no welfare issues?

[concernedpartner]

that is my view but her mother is distraught and is taking it personally

[Olympia2012]

Is she in school? Same one I mean?

[waltermittymissus]

Of course she is, it's a horrible age and all too easy to play parents, even co-habiting parents off each other!

I just wondered if there was a reason why it was better for her aside from what your wife wants.

Unfortunately, if not, all you can do is be there when she wants to come home. If the relationship between them (dsd and her dad) hasn't been very close, the novelty could wear off sooner rather than later! :)

[chipmunksex]

The grass is always greener when you are 13, she may find after a short while that her Dad doesn't let her do whatever she likes either.

I think as long as her Dad's house is suitable and there are no problems with her going to school and being kept safe, then it will be better in the long run to let her do it otherwise she will resent you and her dm for it.

[concernedpartner]

walter..in my view it doesnt make any difference where she is at any particular moment in time. She is a difficult child-strong willed and impulsive-but she has and always has had a loving home here and her father has not been interested for most of her life until now when he senses an opportunity to hurt my wife (his ex). Her father will look after her -until he cant be bothered with her challenging behaviour-and then we will be left to pick up the pieces-AGAIN
olympia-yes she is in school-bright but only makes any effort when it suits her

[cestlavielife]

you cannot read the father's mind. you do not know what he is thinking. unless he is explicit in explaining his rationale. "i am doing this to hurt you" explicitly said...
you can only assume this is why he has the dd at his home (unles she has spelled out to you in writing eg "i will keep dd here to annoy you and get your back up" ) so stop focusing on anger at the ex/dd's dad

now you saying the dd is "difficult" so

just keep lines of communication open
so she knows you will support her when she returns

and maybe seek advice on dealing with challenging teens

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 is a good starting point

[gracie45]

MY 16 yr old daughter walked out last fri and left a note.My mother has been awful to me all my life and never wante dto help me with my children eeven tho my ex left when I was 3 mths pregnat with our 3rd and I was ill and up 3 nights with flu and my older daughetr then 3 with flu too.She wouldnt even coem then evn tho my husb had left.So I have to keep asking my 3 children to help me with houserwork as I have a frozen shoulder in my right arm since May last yr.She got angry when I asled hert to help with housework on fri eve when she came back from a acamp with him and then disappeared.Not said she had goben eto ex but I rang him and she had goen to a friend's.Then teh next day she said she was coming home but he took her to his house.Now shes been there all week and keeps saying she doesnt know when she is coming back.He spoils them and never gets then to do chores, buys them ipods and alptop an dlets them on them any tiem in day or night in their rooms there.He has no idea what they r looking at in their rooms.They stay up late there then she used to coem hoiem shattered and very grumpy.Shes 17 in NOv.The judge said I should hav ethem in teh week and he has them 2 weekends in a rown and half of eacvh hol as he lies all the time incl in court.So this week and next wk she was meant to be with me.What do I do?I have no solicitor as teh legal aid stopped and owe £4, 500 approx on credit cards so cant afford one.Thanks

[RedHelenB]

If she's 17 it's her choice so no point spending money on solicitor and court Costa!

[Gorgosparta]

At 17 a court will not force her to do anything.

No onecm can. I am sorry, but there iant much you can do to enforce a 17 year old to adhere to visitation.

[gracie45]

She's 16 .!7 in NOv. solic said shes a child till 18 so has to abide by teh court orcer so does my ex husb who woint return her.He took her on 26th Aug and still has her tho she spent spoem of th etoem syating overnight and on a 3 day hol with her frined sin my tiem teh judge gave me.He drove her back to his house last sat when she had said a few hrs earlier that she was coming hoem to me and that he would drop her off after he came to talk to her.There was no nee dto drive her here as its only a 10 min walk from where she was at teh time.Hes so manipulative and lies all teh time.

[Gorgosparta]

Courts take older childrens wishes into account. If she doesnt want to come home, no one can force her.

She could live in her own if she wanted.

If you think she is being held against her will, follow that route. But you will need to provide some evidence.

[prh47bridge]

You could force your ex to apply for a new order but he will not have any trouble getting one. As your daughter is 16 the courts would order whatever she wants. They will not force her to live with you against her wishes.

[Atenco]

Your wife happily agreed to her son living with his dad, OP, so he can't be that bad.

[SkylarFalls]

maybe she misses her brother
and maybe if he is happy there she will be too

You sound more concerned about your wifes hurt pride than you do about your step kids to be honest!