Child welfare hearing.

[babycc29x]

My little one is 18 months, for the past 10 months my sons father has been in his life. in 10 months ive had 12 excuses not to take him or drop him off leaving it to his parents or siblings. Since october he hasnt provided or paid a penny of maintenece for my son. Leaving me to buy everything clothes, food the lot.

Being a soul provider doesnt bother me infact im proud but when someone takes the piss out of me thats when it bothers me. In 10 months ive had 2 different lawyers the first 1 was useless and didnt listen to me but she was spot on with dates and times even phoned me the day before to make sure i could make it to court.

Yesterday i had a hearing, my current solicitor told me last friday it was 15th march, no time, i assumed a time it has always been since hearing have been taken place. Anyway yesterday at 1 i go to court, and was informed off a receptionist it was at 11 that morning, go straight to my solictor, and find out why she hadn't phoned me or at least leave a voicemail, apparently shes had a wrong number - a number ive had for 2 years and shes had no trouble phoning or emailing me. So obvously i wasnt too pleased, i got her secretary who said she would call me, now today still waiting on the call phoned the office 5 times, to get told the same il get her to phone u with the worst attitude, i speak to clients over the telephone and if i done that im my job id get my knuckles wrapped! 29 hours later - 5 phone calls my lawyer decides to phone me. I didnt know what had happened and basically i do have a right to know what has happened, the reason why i was going to court because they arent listening to what my son needs. For example my son goes to over night every 3 weeks and when he comes back hes out his routine for 3 weeks so would be pointless having him in a routine that he should be in, any considerate person would understand this having children. Also with the fact no maintence has been paid since october even though his dad has been working, he doesnt so much buy him clothes. I have been in contact with CSA who are as useful as a chocolate teapot. When i first got in contact they were great told me if i dont get a payment in a certain amount of time they will force the dad to pay, take him to court... The usual script they read off. Have they done this? No!

So my patients had went because i was the one constantly phoning to get an update when she should have phoned me yesterday after 1.30. 5th call the secretary said "oh i was going to phone u, she wants me to up date u that it has been continued to may i dont know the time" i actually burst out laughing at this as i got told this yesterday when i was in court and i said "look ive been phoning u lot since 9 this morning, i even told u yesterday, i wanted an update of what happened in court, as i dont know ANYTHING!!"
6th time i would have been told "ill get her to phone u!"
At 5.30 i was literally screaming down the phone to my solicitor as she hadnt listened when i asked her what did she say about maintence and my sons routine, her answer was i didnt mention it - even though i said to her on friday! Joke or what?!! She even said i dont know when ur overnight is u tell me?! U were in court yesterday not me! It was the worst possible attitude ive heard from any human being, apparently over night is tomorrow when ive planned to go away sunday morning with my son! Thats me out of pocket with train tickets to down south. her answer to that u will be jailed. I think courts need to get there priorities sorted, i think thats absolutely disgraceful, i will be jailed to refuse overnight even though ive hadthis planned for months. This is all because my solicitor is incompetant and cant follow up on anything! Safe to say i did say to my solicitor she will no longer be my solicitor she is an absolute disgrace. I work all the hours i can, have my son in daycare and manage to scrape by the reason why i was going away was to clear my head because courts stressed me out to the point my GP wants to sign me off with depression and stress but i cant afford to.

I really dont know what to do anymore can someone give me better advice than my solicitor? Im actually tempted to act on my own behalf in court now.
When will a court hear my point of view than granting his feckless dad everything?
Personally I honestly think solicitors and feckless dads should be named and shamed

[RedHelenB]

She was right not to mention maintenance - that is a matter for the |CSA & has nothing to do with contact. Nor really has routine, As to tomorrow, I think given it is Mothering Sunday that you really needn't worry about jail & you go ahead with your plans although no matter what, the next contact date needs to be adhered to.

[babycc29x]

He took me to court to act on my sons best interest . That in My opinion involves everything like providing, My sons routine,

This person has called me scum and disgraceul mother and gets away with it. I can take things like that with a pinch of salt because i know i do absoultley errythig for my son!

Everythig i said on him not acting on my sons best interest my solicitor always had an answer but im the type of person who is ten steps ahead who will have a comeback ... For example i asked about stopping contact its really a long story and she said it would mentally affect him...
So i went just like i would mentally effect him when he lets my son down... She didnt have a reply for that only u have to be going by the law! Which i have done. But ive had enough and want court to notice everything instead of not doing anything about it. I know there are woman in the same position bu ive had my fill to the point im contemplating moving abroad because i dont want to deal with lawyers and court anymore. My head is completely messed up with it all.

[Smum99]

maintenance is completely separate from contact so it won't be discussed in court. Also the issue with routine is one that you and your ex should be able to work out - i.e could you write down your son's routine and put it in his bag. If the ex doesn't adhere to it then there isn't much you can do but as your son gets older it will be less of an issue.

I would never assume a court time and suggest that you phone the court in future as they will clarify. You can also apply to the court for a copy of the order that was made in your absence, just ring them directly.

Court is stressful but it is in your son's interests that he has both parents in his life so the law protects the child's right to see their dad. In a home situation you may also get the dad not adhering to the routine (my dh would be a bit like that if he looks after ds in my absence) but it doesn't mean he isn't a caring parent.

I would not advise that you stop contact tomorrow, it really, really isn't in your best interests as Judges take a very, very dim view of parents who disregard a court directed order. Whilst jail is unlikely you will be damaging yourself in the long term as they are likely to treat you harsher in future if they believe you disregard the law.

If your relationship with this solicitor has broken down (and it seems like it) I would suggest you get yourself to another (use Resolution site for family law reps in your area) and explain what has happened. It will be important that thej Judge believes it was a genuine mistake rather than you choosing to ignore the time.

Can you have some dialogue with the ex about contact this weekend? Even if that is through a 3rd party? If not I would recommend you follow through on the order made by the court.

Secondly if the ex is working then just follow up with the CSA, I have found them helpful especially if the ex works as an employee as they can ask the company directly for the salary information.

[Smum99]

x-posted, I think you need to consider the opinions that you are getting from others, including professionals. It is not your sole decision if the father is in your son's life. He has 2 parents and that's the way it will always be.

I have older dc's and can speak from experience - your son will get older and he may want to know his dad, it isn't your decision to block that. That's why the children's act is in place so that parents who fall out can't stop contact.

You may not like your ex (most of us don't) but you have to tolerate the other parent remaining in your life because of the child.

[babycc29x]

I have lists as long as my arms of excuses, let downs, ive gave him my sons routine 3 times now even sent it in a text. Every time ive gave him it ive wrote the same thing down. Even wrote on it u need to buy infacare his skin is sensitive if anything else is used he will have a break out of dry skin. Now this is only £2 a bottle, and he redused to buy this on the 3 occasions my son has went over night hes came back with dry skin that looked like scabbies - I could have been a right bitch and said u need to buy oilatum oil and cream £7 & £12 a bottle! His mother does everything for my son, he relys on her for everything to pick up an drop off my son.

What im saying i enquired about stopping contact to see what her reply would be so i could say, oh but it would do that to my son if his dad keeps letting him down - to basically prove a point. Ive wrote everything down from the day i found out i was pregnant to this very day, a court or lawyer hasnt took anything into consideration, especially why he let my son down on 12 occasions if im in contempt of court for not handing over my son why is he not when he doesnt show up for my son?

Im really fed up with it all now because i have counted 9 months he hasnt provided for my son since he was born and csa are doing nothing keep fobbing me off. So ive decided theres going to be changes - he can go to overnight today but his dad will be getting 2 lists - 1 with his routine again! And 2. With a list of things my son needs for durning the week clothes etc plus ive gave him the chance to pick this infacare up its getting changed to oilatum.... And see wht he says or does with this.

I dont care if anyone thinks im out of order, im not being out of pocket and in debt because he doesnt want to provide so il be making him myself. If he doesnt il be taking that to court myself and saying i gave him a chance to pay for my son but he hasnt and refused.

Regarding my lawyer il be going to a different one i said that on the phone to her that she was completely useless, she should have told me a time on friday and she should have phoned me just before 11 on the 15th. instead of me going in to the office twice and phoning 5 times to get fobbed off and i can only get a hold of her one day a week is not good practice. All my friends are telling me to complain about her but they wont take that seriously.

[babycc29x]

I am really really really annoyed just now so if im ranting im sorry.

Correct me if im wrong! If anyone knows if ur a working, single parent, you get 70% of your childs nursery fees paid for you? Correct?
And the other 30% is from your wages.

My sons father hasnt paid maintence money for my son since October, in october and january i got on to them because lets face it i was stuggling and just scraping by each month. Csa told me they had been trying to get in contact with him and he failed to reply. then they told me they were waiting on wage slips which he said was the case.

Right i have a house, bills, nursery fees, food, clothes everything basically to pay for because i have my son 7 days a week his dad takes him 1 over night every 3 weeks or for 6 hours on a saturday or sunday.

Anyway, yesterday i sent my son to an overnight with no clothes for today - which i used to provide - until now. Im refusing to do it due to the fact the state the clothes i send him in, come back in. So while in work yesterday i text him saying things WILL be changing hes had it far too easy by not providing or contributing to my son durning the week as far as im concerned hes a dad 7 days a week not 1, so i said my son needs tracksuits for nursery. Im sick of being out of pocket because he doesnt want to contribute.

His answer no thats what you get tax credits for and csa money. Im not providing for him durning the week for u! Im only buying for him when i have him

Obviously not happy with this answer i told him tax credits is 70% of his nursery fees the other 30% comes out my wages as for csa money which i havent saw since october is an absolute joke! The way i see it a parent has to pay there way regardless.

The roof over my sons head, the clothes, even the clothes i send him in, food, nursery fees come from my wages - his nursery fees r just about £700 a month. I dont see a penny of tex credits because its straight out my account before i even type my pin number in a cash point.

If you think am wrong doing this please say! Id love you opinions.

[babycc29x]

Oh i forgot to add hes blaming CSA now for not receiving anything "it was their fuck up" his exact words

[RedHelenB]

You need to get rid if the anger. You are fighting a losing battle & it will affect your son. send the cream with him if it's that important (surely you can get eczema cream on prescription if the condition is severe enough?) As far as the courts go money & access are separate. And they will want your child to have good access to his father regardless of him missing contact, they have no legal powers to deal with this.

BEST bit of advice I had - you can't control what his dad is like but you can control what sort of a parent you are.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

You are not acting in your childs best interest.

You are full of anger and spite. And you are using your child as a weapon against this man. He behaviour is disgraceful, but so is yours.

Your refusal to send the cream the child needs with him, is not hurting your ex, it is you deliberately hurting your child, hoping that this will somehow have an affect on ex, or push him into acting. It wont. Stop this behavior. It is not in your own interest. Before you know it, your exs mum will start demanding that you are an unfit mother and persuade her son to apply for residency.

[babycc29x]

Im full of anger due to the fact i do everything
My son doesnt have eczema, its sensitive skin where he can only use certain products and cant get it on perscription, ive tried!
All that my son can use is infacare which is under £2 and oilatum oil which is £15 plus the cream is an addition £12.

Hes refusing to provide for my son when i have him so its tit for tat, im not providing for him to have him, like sendin cream ive told him 4 times he needs this! My son has came back today with skin like scabbies! I said to him this morning if he refuses to provide its fine. At least provide an outfit for me to send him in each week - simple soultion and he refused!

Am not going out of pocket and in debt because he cant be arsed to provide. Its not spite at all if he wants in my sons life the law states he has to pay his way!!

[babycc29x]

When my son came back he started arguing wif me in the street! I ended up telling him not to disrespect me in front of my son, get back in his mums car and get out my street and he had shouted something at me wen i walked away. And i just shouted at him to get out my street.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

Sorry, you two sound as bad as each other. Can you just fgs not stoop to his level, and provide your son with a cream he needs? He only seems him every three weeks, what harm is there to pack a bag of clothes and his cream and send it with him? As it is you are failing to provide for your sons needs, over a £2 cream. It is not going to put you debt to put his cream in the bag along with a change of clothes. Surely you get it back at the end of the stay, and if not, you know there is both a cream and an outfit at your exs place that your child can use. It should not be tit for tat. Your behaviour is very immature.

[Frikadellen]

Op it must be very frustrating for you to feel that no one is hearing what your saying.

it does appear very unfair that his father can get away with not paying and almost dictating to you when he is willing to be a father and when he is not.

Unfortunately this is not how the court will see it. For them they will look at how the effect is on the child. For them it will always be a trump card that your son has contact with his father even if it is infrequent. They will not look at it as a " he didnt pay for x hence he wont be allowed to see his son this week" it will always be " this is his time to have his son and if he shows son is to be handed over.

you need to learn to separate the issues. Contact is one. maintaince is another.

First get a contact agreement (start of with a new laywer) you wont get to dictate/decide how the routine is to be sorted but it is a possitive thing to send a suggested routine to him. You mention his mother does most of the caring could you speak to her about the cream and such? I would send over a tube of the cream as it will help him if his skin is that sensitive why let your little boy suffer because his dad is not being responsible? If grandma is doing most of the caring she may be the way to go. If things are strained start off with small things. give her the tube of cream and say something like " this is the cream he needs I thought you might like a tube so you know what sort to get" leave it there. As tempting as it can be dont try to raise to any bait if any of them make comment that feels snide.

Dont tackle him directly about money contact the CSA again and ask them for an update. Move from there do not try to deal with it from him. I am not sure if you work full time but if not try your local childrens center they can aid you with working out all sort of things and perhaps also help you with finding a mediator to actually start getting some productive communication working with him.

You also need someone to listen to you again the childrens center can help you there or the citizen advice bureau You come across to me as someone who have had a hard time and no one to listen to you and support you as you deal with being a single parent. I think it would benefit you to speak to a counsellor where you can get all this frustration out. I also think you need a laywer who will be willing to explain it to you in detail so you dont feel he/she is trying to somehow rip you off or is not on your side. I think it is important you explain this to them on your first meeting.

Lastly please do know your not alone I would suggest you go to the lone Parents board to get some support and advice on how to get through this.