Ex has requested shared residency order. Advice or reassurance appreciated!

[millyk]

Hi there. I haven't posted on mumsnet for a few years but am really struggling to know what to make of this whole situation and would really value any advice. I'll give a brief history.

Had a very messy separation from ex husband 4 years ago. Both of us are now in new stable relationships. We have 2 children, now 7 and 9 between us. Since we split they have spent every other weekend with him and one day in the week. I offered to split the school holidays at the time but he never took me up on it. Basically things have been fairly ok between us. We would swap weekends, split xmas and share birthdays etc.

Until last week. Without any mention to me about wanting to see more of the children he has sent me a letter demanding joint custody, saying he wants them 3 days one week 4 the next. This is the next natural step apparently, after 4 years! He is requesting i go to mediation, with in the next 21 days or he will take me to court. I should add here i'm due to give birth in the next 2 weeks! I feel like he's being completely unreasonable. I knew what he had planned because he had already told the children they were going to live with him half the time as i would soon be too busy with the new baby!

Don't know if its relevent but he's behind on his child maintenence and they finally caught up with him 2 weeks ago. He's been livid ever since. The cynic in me thinks he's just trying to a) get back at me, or b) reduce his monthly payments.

Ive always encouraged him to spend time, have a relationship with the children, which he does, when it suits him but is also quick to swan off on holiday leaving me to cover his days without checking first. I just feel like Its taken this long to get the children settled into a routine. They know what they do each day etc, and once again he's messing it all up.

Sorry for rambling, Thanks for reading. xx

[cestlavielife]

go to the mediation it doesnt bind you to anything -and you will get to see his rationale....and point out to mediator that you about to give birth and that the discussion should be put off for a few months to allow Dc to get used to new baby etc.
that in four to six months time you will be happy to discuss this .

[clam]

"happy to discuss this and say no

Seriously, what message would it give to your dcs if you were to boot them off to their dad's the minute your new baby arrived? I'd be so at him having suggested that to them.

Sorry, nothing more heldful to add.

[millyk]

Thanks ladies. Im furious. I just don't think he's doing it for the right reasons. I think he's gonna try to represent himself in court so i'm worried he has nothing to lose by trying. I'm worried he will get a sympathetic judge who will give him what he wants. Guess im jumping the gun a bit.

[millyk]

I need to get writing, i think! Have so much i want to ask him but kind of want to wait for it to all be done formally now. Everything you mention are my concerns, Natasha.

They are 7 and 9. Both girls. Eldest is fast approaching puberty. Im pretty sure he plans to use his wife, parents to help with them as he works 9-5. Which just seems ridiculous now im at home full time with their soon to be baby sister.

They do want more time with him. I have said he can see them whenever if he arranges first. Youngest is very keen for things to be fair. Im cross he's even discussed it with them without warning me first. holidays would be fine to split but i don't think he'll go for it.

[millyk]

dd1 was not too fussed but said she would like to see him more in the hols when i mentioned it. Her suggestion.

[millyk]

I will try that i think. Just hate the thought of it all. I think its all about principle for him. He just wants it all split down the middle. Im not saying its not always the wrong thing to do.. Its just the girl are happy and settled now and its taken long enough!

[STIDW]

These days orders for shared residence are common. In practice shared residence isn't that different from the more traditional residence/contact. SR doesn't have to be 50:50 or almost 50:50 in can be in different proportions. Recently one parent was awarded SR and the child "lives" with them two hours every other week in a contact centre.

I would go along to mediation with an open mind. Going to court can be very destructive and if nothing else mediation is an opportunity for parents to improve communication and understand more where each other is coming from. The absolute bone of good contact/shared residence for children is parents working together, or at least not against each other. In ten years time it won't matter to your children if they spend x or y number of hours a week with each parent, what will matter is the positive relationship they have with both of you.

[millyk]

I will try! We did mediation before and it was fine. I don't want to go to court in the slightest.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Shared residency is very much the norm these days and you have to have pretty spectacular reasons for not having it. As STIDW says though it doesn't mean it's 50/50. I think my question would be why he thinks it is in the best interests if your daughters to change the arrangements now that the girls are settled.

Going to the mediation might well be helpful for you (and not going will be seen negatively by the Court if it gets that far...) A Mediator is neutral and will be acting in the best interests of the Children. Keep a clear idea of what you want to come out of it with though.

Good luck

[millyk]

Thanks liza. Im not against a shared residency order. Although we have done fine without one so far. I just don't want their weeks cut in two and all the change it would cause. will have to wait and see what he has to say i guess! I won't object to more contact. just when it is.

The only thing i was wondering about the shared order is how rigid it is. We've always been quite flexible and i assumed as they grew up it would get more so. I imagine getting a teenager to go to one house or the other might be tricky. Thought we would kind of let them make their own decisions about where they were each weekend to a point( depending on their social life probably!) as they get older. Don't know how this would fit in. Or if I even need to be thinking about it as we haven't reached that stage yet!

[struwelpeter]

Re mediation, just go slowly and don't put all the cards on the table at once or raise lots of questions/make suggestions. Things are bound to drastically change when the baby is born.
Write back to him and send it recorded, saying you are happy to attend an exploratory mediation session - often they are short and free just to see if mediation is appropriate - point out your due date. Offer him in writing some dates over Easter holidays to see the DCs.
Then if for whatever other reason he wants to head to court, you have shown yourself reasonable and willing to mediate when you are able ie when baby is in a routine, so court would probably just say go off and sort yourselves and come back if either of you needs a formal court order.
And start keeping records of contact from now on. Courts do go for shared residency but equally may say there is no need for an order if status quo is seen to be working.
It's for the DCs best interests, not his, so showing flexibility etc and willingness to discuss is good. Ultimatums as he has issued are not.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

The orders can be by agreement, they don't have to ALL be highly contested.

You can agree between yourselves including any variants and clauses you want in there. Then you can either ask The court to make it an order by agreement (though don't see the point) or you can just go ahead with your new arrangements.

The question you need answering though is what does he want out of shared res? if it's an acknowledgement of his 'rights' then you can also do a shared res by agreement really no need to be all up in Court.

You could also self represent (though appreciate you have a lot on your plate atm)

Good luck with the next two weeks with the wee speck hope it all goes perfectly for you
x

[olgaga]

Don't forget that the whole point of contact is for the children to maintain a meaningful relationship with him. If he is getting other people to pick up the children from school and spend time with them, while he is at work, then it doesn't achieve that - so they might as well be with you.

From what you say, this sounds as though it is all about the maintenance.

Be reasonable about accommodating mediation as soon as you are fit and well, and prepare to question him minutely on the arrangements he is proposing. Reassure your DC that you are looking forward to being able to spend as much time as possible all together with the new baby. I think he'll have his work cut out trying to drag them away from that! I'm sure you'll be fine.

[millyk]

Thanks everyone. :) Some fab advice there. Going to see the solicitor on thurs so hopefully that will help.