contact issues

[Namechangerjustincase]

Hello all,

I've changed names just in case as I know exH sister uses MN and knows my usual name.

I have a DD age 10 and a DS age 5. ExH and I divorced 4 years ago leaving me to bring up the DCs.

The inital problems were too numerable to mention and contact has been sporadic although I will admit that since his job changed last year he has been more reliable and things seemed to settle. But basically I have always done the vast majority of caring for and providing for our 2 wonderful DCs.

The problems started again back in July when I told him that the weekend contact (informally about one weekend a month) would no longer be practical as DD increasingly has activities at the weekend she cannot miss and I am worried that the journey is too long for DS now he is starting school. Ex lives nearly 90 miles away and DS is exhausted at the end. I said there was no reason why he could not come and stay locally and see the DCs here.

I have since had a pompous letters from his solicitor requesting every other weekend and half the holidays! He already has half the holidays so I don't know why that was included as it isn't contentious.

I have explained that DD has just got into the borough music school for cello and that she now has orchestra on Saturday morning. If she does not have regular attendance at this then she may not get a place again next year and lose out on a wonderful opportunity! They both have swimming lessons on Sunday morning and I am furious at ex for not thinking about what it is in their interests. He says that if I'm worried about the journey then his wife can pick the DCs up from school on Friday rather than Sat morning so they have a full day without travelling thereby completely missing my point about the orchestra. He also says he can't bring his new 18month twins to see them here and that it is 'important they have time with their family'. I agree but they can develop a relationship with the twins in their half the holidays.

I am hoping that his past history of rubbish payments to me and unreliable contact will count against him if he does go to court. He is requesting mediation which I cannot afford and do not think will be successful in any case - he is extremely stubborn and can never compromise.

I am absolutely NOT against reasonable contact and have actively encouraged him to see the DCs - they worship the ground he walks on so why would I stop it? However, they also want to go to their classes and say they would like to see him more but prefer to see him here. I have tried suggesting DD asks him if she can go to orchestra but he ignores her as well.

I am concerned the court will just put a standard alternate weekend contact order in place without considering the details of the circumstances? Can anyone tell me what is likely and will the court listen to what the DCs have to say on it?

Thanks!

[STIDW]

Contact and child maintenance are treated separately under different bits of legislation. Whatever happened in the past if regular contact is now established the courts are likely to be reluctant to change the arrangements. It's a question of priorities, with a relationship with both parents and their extended families usually regarded as being more important than activities.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against one another. Going to court tends to lead to resentment and resistance making that difficult if not impossible. Therefore it is better for parents to compromise and resolve disputes between themselves, using a mediator or negotiating through solicitors if necessary. For example, would your ex agree to collect the children on his Saturday mornings and take and take your daughter to orchestra or collect her afterwards? Swimming could be organised in the week and you could offer more than 50% of school holidays and half terms to compensate for any reduced contact.

Ten to fifteen years from now, specific activities are likely to have had little impact on a child's life. Growing up secure with positive feelings about both natural parents is likely to stay with them forever.

[prh47bridge]

As STIDW says, contact and maintenance are separate issues. The courts will not be interested in whether or not your ex pays any maintenance.

The courts do look at cases individually and consider all the circumstances but that doesn't mean you would win if it gets that far. The courts will listen to your children but they are too young for their views to be decisive.

From your ex's point of view the amount of contact he gets is already low. You are now asking him to pay for accommodation for himself and your children and spend the weekend away from his new family whenever he has weekend contact. The only alternative you are offering is to stop weekend contact completely. I am not surprised he is unhappy.

I agree with STIDW that you need to compromise and find something that is acceptable to both of you.

Would missing one weekend a month from the orchestra really be so bad? I would be surprised if your daughter is the only member of the orchestra who misses sessions to have contact with the absent parent. Does the orchestra miss weekends around half terms and holidays? Does that give an opportunity for contact without disrupting your daughter's attendance at orchestra?

Similarly with swimming, does it really have to be on a Sunday morning? If it can't be moved, is it really so bad to miss one weekend a month?

Would your ex accept less frequent but longer contact? Would the children be happy with that?

As your children get older they are likely to have more weekend activities. Contact will need to be planned around those. You and your ex need to work together and compromise on these issues.

[Namechangerjustincase]

Thanks very much for replying stidw. The problem is it's a swimming class the eldest has been to for 3 years now and she has friends there and loves it. We often take 2 of her friends there out to lunch afterwards even. Also I suggested that exH could take DS on Friday, DD after her orchestra and bring them back on Sun morning but then he says that's too much travelling for him for too little time! He said he would only do that on the odd occasion if there was a special rehersal or concert not understanding she needs to go to all classes regularly.

What about the increase in their confidence and security they get from their classes? He could still come up here and visit.

Also, sorry to ask again, but if he did ask for a court to get involved, would the children have the chance to speak to the judge themselves?

Also you say the court will be reluctant to change the arrangements (which were once a month) so therefore will they be reluctant to increase it to every other weekend which is what he is now asking? Once a month would at least be better than once a fortnight.

Thanks very much! I really appreciate your help.

[RedHelenB]

I think a court would find you are unreasonable so if I were you I would go back to the status quo asap. The point he makes about contact with their half siblings is also correct as a court would view it.Surely you can explain to the orchestra leader your dd's circumstances? And make swimming lessons happen on a weekday night?

[STIDW]

Psychiatrists and psychologists consistently tell the family courts that children who are insecure about their natural parentage tend to grow up with low self esteem, leading to behavioural and emotional problems in later life such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. So the relationship between both parents and their extended families takes precedence over activities. it's really about balance. Children are mixing with their peer group during the week and do activities to build confidence at school or can do extra curricular activities at different times.

As it happens our son is a semi professional musician, but most of his peers who were heavily involved with music exams, Saturday orchestras etc earlier on gave up. Only our son and one of his friends continued playing music after leaving school. We kept weekends free to do family activities (as did his friend's family) until he had completed the higher level music exams and Advanced Higher Music. Our son joined the the Junior Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama and the National Youth Orchestra of Scotland at 16 years of age when he was old enough to make his own decisions. The other boy completed a science degree and is now at music college. As I said doing, or not doing, a specific activity is unlikely to have much impact on a child in 10-15 years.

[Santa5l1ttleHelper]

Believe me you absolutely do not want to end up in court as you will end up with an order which you won't like at all. It doesn't seem as though one weekend a month is unreasonable and you state that your children love their dad so isn't it better they have good quality contact with him. I would give anything to be in your position, I hate going to court but I have no option as my ds has been damaged by his father and contact makes him ill. Perhaps your ex wishes to make up for his past behaviour and it would be a shame for the children to miss out. Perhaps you should consider mediation as your argument would not hold up in court

[LadyLapsang]

It sounds like you are trying to undermine their contact with their dad. Seeing their dad once a fortnight is not much and surely more important than cello lessons. If you are genuinely worried that your son will be tired after the journey then just arrange that he is brought back early enough on Sunday to have a good sleep before school. Cello and swimming lessons can happen after school on weekdays or they can have intensive swimming lessons in the holidays. I realise you are probably fed up with him but that is your problem, not your kids.

[Namechangerjustincase]

I probably am anxious that he will go back to his old ways and DCs will miss out for nothing. But I promise I don't want to undermine contact. However, I think some of this is now him just being stubborn that I dared to cross him as he's never expressed any wish to see them more frequently before July. In fact I've been desperately trying to encourage him to call or come here more. If he won't come to see them for a day every other weekend what guarantees have I got that he will stick to any more? He also only rarely calls.

Surely the court would see that if he can't make a day every 2 weeks he won't manage a weekend every 2 weeks?

Also, 10 year olds have been convicted of murder so if they can be held that responsible why will the courts not take their view on something like this as decisive?

[Santa5l1ttleHelper]

Have a look on cafcass' website and it will give you a good idea about how court go about deciding contact. They will give your ex every chance to keep contact with your dc

[RandomMess]

I think you need to accept that he would very likely be awarded alternate weekends plus half the holidays. I think the swimming will just have to stop tbh, I would concentrate on asking him to accommodating Orchestra on a Saturday morning - presumably it is term time only?

I really don't think a 90 mile journey is that long for a 5 year old, I know they are shattered when they first start school but they do adapt plus he can nap during car journeys if he is very tired.

Having regularly planned contact with their Dad is important for them, if their Dad doesn't keep it up that is his choice - how would you feel if it were him telling you to leave your 2 dc to go and visit 2 of your others elsewhere for the weekend.

I understand the history makes you resent your dc having to miss out on stuff to see him but it's all about compromise.

[STIDW]

There is always a risk he will go back to his old ways. Equally there is a chance that he has turned over a new leaf and won't. Giving the parent the benefit of the doubt so that the child has the opportunity to develop and maintain a relationship with them is often deemed in the best interests of the child. There are plenty of musical opportunities that your daughter will be able to do, but she only has one natural father to have a relationship with.

If regular contact once a month was a settled arrangement a court could increase this so your children can spend a reasonable amount of time with your ex and his new family. As children grow older compromises often have to be made to accommodate relationships with both parents, extended family and friendships. That will be much easier for everyone, especially the children, if you and your ex can find ways of settling disputes without turning to the courts.

No one contact arrangements suits all families. For example, a parent with the minority of care might serve abroad in the military or work shifts making alternate weekends impossible. In these circumstances contact might be less often for longer periods.