Question re: family mediation

[Ukuleila]

My ex-husband and I are currently going through family mediation to regulate child custody. We've been told that since April 2011 a new law has come out here in the UK that requires couples going through mediation first before being able to start a Court litigation. We had 2 sessions so far, but don't seem to go anywhere. The sessions are very expensive and I've got the impression that the mediators try to delay the whole process in order to get the maximum of money out of us. In these two sessions we were not even able to talk about the most important issues, but the mediators rather focused on some minor details and do not accept that we chose the prioritary topics.

Hence my question: how many sessions do we actually need? Do we need to regulate everything through the mediator, or are two sessions enough to show that we had the "good will" to go through mediation?

I have to say that it was actually my ex who wanted to go to mediation. We have 50/50 custody of our child (7), but have only verbally agreed on the details (when, how often, where, etc.). I have recently re-married and am currently expecting my second child with my new husband. My ex took it very badly and kind of "lost it", coming up with a list of totally unreasonable requests (i.e. my current husband not being allowed to stay alone with our child, etc.) pressing me to go into mediation to get his points through.

I know for a fact that no Court would anyway accept his requests, as our child is well, has a loving bond with my new husband and my husband is a very devoted and responsible stepfather. It irks me that I have to pay all this money for discussing futile requests, I'd rather go and see a family lawyer and put a document together that regulates the details of child custody and also keeps my ex from poisoning my newly found family happiness.

Anyone got any advice on this?

[Savoir]

Sorry to see that no-one here has replied yet. I suspect that this may be because the requirement for mediation is very new.

I don't want to give specific advice, and I don't know all the facts of your case, but from what you have written I rather get the impression that you have been manhandled into the mediation process. Put it this way: in theory this new rule about mediation has been in place since April 2011 - however in practice, it doesn't seem to be the hard and fast rule that it gave every appearance of being.

Another point (not sure if you are aware of this or not) is that you are not required to go through the mediation process, start to finish, before an application is made to the court! As I understand it the new requirement is for an initial assessment meeting, to determine whether or not your case is suitable for mediation...

Go and see a family lawyer - a GOOD family lawyer - for clarification. Yes, mediation can work out a lot cheaper (& quicker) than an expensive and time-consuming court case. However it requires cooperation from both parties - and if one party is making unreasonable demands to which the other party will never agree, and is refusing to find any middle ground, then the mediation process may be doomed to failure...

[Ukuleila]

Hi Savoir,

Thanks for your answer. Interesting, as the mediator that we were using presented the situation in a way as if it were a legal requirement to go to mediation BEFORE you can even file a court case.... which seems to me another sign that they are just unprofessional (alothugh being quite expensive and located in one of the best parts in town....).

The thing is anyway that I do not see the need for a Court case... you normally start a case when you have some serious issues about custody or maintenance or an abusive ex.... and this can take a loooong time. We don't have all this. I just have an ex who cannot come to term with the fact that I moved on with my life and who wants to control every single aspect of our child's life (his new stepfather included). You don't go to Court because you want to socialise more with your ex-wife and her new husband and they decline to go and eat a pizza with you, don't you.... or because they did not inform you BEFORE or straight away after conception that they are expecting a new child....

Hence maybe it is just easier to pay a good family lawyer to draw a kind of consent that protects our privacy. And if my ex is not happy with that he can then try and sue us and... consequently pay for it, as I am pretty sure no sensible judge would even listen to his fantasy requirements....

[yummymumsie]

A friend of mine had a baby to her new partner and her ex actually took her (back) to court to insist that her new daughter did not call her father Daddy because he felt that his daughter may also be encouraged to call her step dad Daddy! How ridiculous can you get, I was gobsmacked that it made it as far as court! Sounds as though her ex and yours need to get a grip!
Good luck with your new baby

[Collaborate]

It isn't actually a requirement to mediate before going to court. It's just that you have to tell the judge whether you've tried it and if you haven't, the judge may order you give it a go. If it isn't working for you tell the mediator you want to stop it and they must let you have an FM1 form for the court.

[Ukuleila]

@yummymymsie: yes, there are quite a few nut cases out there it seems... I think you can pretty much escalate everything you want to Court...the question is only - how far will you go in the end and how much money and time do you want to waste in the process... how is this girl then going to call her father??? Did they come up with an alternative to Daddy.... (what madness, honestly).

@collaborate - thanks for the info. On the website of the mediator they are saying "it is now a legal requirement to go to mediation before you can start a Court litigation".... quite misleading. Did not know about this FM1 form... in any case we have the forms of the mediation sessions we already did - signed by both parties - as a proof that we started the process. I've been told that they also should have a complaint procedure - that is if you are not happy with their service, you can dispute not to pay them... which I think I will consider at least for the last session we had with them, that I found absolutely unprofessional and a time waster.....

[yummymumsie]

The court saw sense and told him to go away thankfully. He receives legal aid so I doubt he'd have done it if the money was coming out of his own pocket. It seems a shame when genuine people don't qualify for legal aid. My friend has to self rep as her partner earns too much! Hope common sense prevails for you too