If your h won't move out or communicate how do you go ahead with separating/divorce

[omgomgomg]

I am at the end of the line with my marriage.

Been married 14 years but kids are both under 10.

H is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and there has been mild but undocumented episodes of him losing his temper and making threats of violence in the past. He is rough, shoves and pushes and barges when he is in a mood.

I've said I'm willing to go to couples counselling as my behaviour has not been exemplary in response to his vile treatment of me so an outsider could say I contribute to the situation.

H won't respond to any request to go to counselling, he's a master in stonewalling and long moody silences with a face like thunder.

I have now said that it's a) counselling or b) separation (in my mind obviously pending divorce in the long run). I have made it clear the staus quo does not feature as option (c).

As usual no response at all and he continues in the same pattern of behaviour.

I will not move out with the kids, not negotiable, we have many many reasons to stay where we are and the disturbance/upheaval would hinder my ability to work and support me and the kids. H won't look after the animals we have accumulated and I can't find somewhere to accomodate them and us.

So what is my next step ?

[Collaborate]

You can issue a divorce petition whilst still living in the same house. If you can't agree the financial settlement one of you will have to apply to the court for a financial order, and when a final order has been made it will provide for a physical separation. See a solicitor to get the ball rolling.

[lilibet]

You are me about 11 years ago.

I got my Nisi while we were still living in the same house (sleeping in the same bed!) but at the time was told that I couldn't get my absolute while we were in the same house.

I couldn't force him to move out or change the locks or do anything as our house was in joint names, the only way I coud get him to leave was to press charges for violent behaviour which I didn't want to do because of the children.

I had to move out with the 3 children and cats in the end though - and that's a whole other story

[omgomgomg]

Lilibet, did your ex h get to stay the house as part of the divorce settlement ? Did you ever get to go back "home" ?

I know from having looked at our joint finances/assets and experience of other people's divorces that there will be more than enough other assets for h to have in settlement leaving the family home for me and the dc to live in. I am the main carer for the dc despite also being a working mum.

I am wondering how men can be so selfish as to not put the children and the child's home life first, before themselves.

Collaborate - can I issue a divorce petition myself ? I need to minimse costs and I really feel h won't come to his senses until he sees I am serious and have resorted to official measures to end the marriage. If he does then capitulate we'll need money for a shed load of couples counselling. I'm happy to involve solicitors in due courrse if h turns very nasty when I follow through with my ultimatum or ultimately when we get to the residence/access and presumably finances part of proceedings.

[Collaborate]

Anyone can act for themselves within court proceedings.

[omgomgomg]

Right, am intending to apply to court myself and then engage solicitor to deal with the fallout. Told h I needed a copy of our marriage certificate which he has somewhere and he is refusing to produce it/hand it over so have applied for a copy.

Currently filling out form D8.

There has been no adultery, abandonment or separation so I'm left with unreasonable behaviour. I can describe the way he treats me and incidents in the home and children related stuff but I don't have exact dates. He calls me an unflattering name to indicate a stupid person and even has this in his mobile 'phone as the name relating to my mobile number. I don't however have exact dates except for one recent incident when he made a reference to killing me if I ever did a certain thing again and one over a year ago when he manhandled me and left the dc sobbing in fright. Do I really need exact dates examples of the persistent low level verbal abuse and emotional abuse. It all sounds so silly but the dc are more and more aware of it and I need to let them know that this is not normal/acceptable as I'm afraid it is affecting them more and more or they will potentially grow up to repeat it later in life.

Can I cite persistent daily verbal abuse/emotional abuse and leave it or must I come up with specific incidents ?

The form requires me to state arrangements for the children. As h will not discuss counselling let alone separation and divorce I presume I detail what I see as the proposed arrangements for the children which would be staying with me in the marital home. (I currently do 90% of caring for the children, school stuff, their sports/social stuff etc. H only helps when he feels like it or when he absolutely has to because I can't be in 2 places at once). Would it be presumptious of me to include estimated access arrangements for him as a non resident parent ?

He hates situations where he effectively needs to go along with/help with something that I have organised as he sees it as me telling him what to do/dictating how he spends his free time. He will go ballistic if he sees a petition where I have dared to "tell him how things are going to be" but if the form requires arrangements for the children detailing I have no choice. I do fear that he will do his utmost to come up with an alternative plan just because I have put this one forward, what's best for the dc will not be uppermost in his mind.

Sorry this is so long.

[GypsyMoth]

Statement for arrangement if the children can be vague. Something along the lines of 'to be arranged by mutual agreement'

Well mine was anyway

But its going to be a long haul.... With him in the house, very very difficult. Be careful

Also,keep a diary of everything. Start it today

[omgomgomg]

Perhaps I could state "Mother to remain as main carer with access to be arranged for Father with children's needs/current commitments determining suitable access arrangements".

Letting the court know that I am already the main carer and just wanting to continue the situation as it currently exists as far as possible so as not to upset the dc's routine if possible.