Contact orders - Please help i dont know where i stand?

[louisajj]

Hello

I am not sure if you can help me but been given your details via netmums. I have split from my husband for 2 and a half years now and am now happy with someone new. My ex husband was violent and emotionally abusive, controlling and possessive. He was finally, by the time I actually did something about it,, cautioned for common assault after we split. He left the house for repossession and left me in around £70000 of debt and disappeared for around 8 months. I had no money from him for around 10/11 months and I struggled by with the support of my family to get myself back together. The CSA finally caught up with him and he then decided he wanted to see the children. I let him come and visit them but always in fear of myself but always let a neighbour know or had someone upstairs in the bedroom just in case. He started taking the children away to the park etc and then would take them for the day. I was a little worried about it but felt I had no choice. I wasn?t aware about the court system etc. He would often let them down, he was sick, his girlfriend was sick, car broke down, working overtime, weather too bad, many an excuse but the final straw came in april when he let them down again as him and his girlfriend were having some problems. I told him that I wasn?t having anymore of it as I had watched the children cry once to often and he needed to make some committment to them. He refused to speak to me about the children and to come to some sort of arrangement and hadn?t seen the children since last April.

I went to court the other week to get my residence order as he had texted to threaten to run off with them and I now feel completely let down by the system. If I hadn?t have gone to court I wouldn?t have been in the situation I am now. He has been granted 8 weeks of contact at my house whereby I am supposed to leave the house so as not to ?provoke? a situation. The Cafcass lady who came in told me she hadn?t had time to read the file which I was a bit upset about as I felt she should have at least looked into things properly. I tried to explain how sporadic his contact had been and the amount of times he had let them down or been abusive to me but she didn?t seem to want to hear it. I was told I had to give him one day a week otherwise it wasn?t enough and he had to be given the benefit of the doubt. The children desperately don?t want me to leave the house and the sunday just gone he turned up and I did refuse to leave as my youngest was so upset. Instead I had my boyfriend in the bedroom (unbeknown to my ex husband) just to listen out in case. I have also got neighbours who are very supportive and were at the other end of the phone just in case. I stayed in the kitchen out of the way but felt very uncomfortable with the situation. After 8 weeks he is to be allowed to take the children away and a further 4 weeks before he can introduce them to his girlfriend. I fell so let down as he would not have bothered to do anything about the children if I had not gone to court in the first place and now I have been left feeling intimidated, deeply distressed and I just cannot sleep for fear of the next sunday coming. I don?t want him in my life now, I know that sounds awful but my children were just getting settled. WHen he was coming and going my eldest was on the SEN register and my little one with a speech therapist and nowhere near toilet training. Since he has disappeared and left me too it, both are doing so well developmentally. My eldest is off the SEN register and her reading age is above and beyond what it should be and my little one is talking like a little adult and completely toilet trained. That was until the sunday visit. Since then she has wet the bed that night and wet herself and messed herself several times since her dad turned up. She has no idea who he is, he told her he was daddy and she now calls him play doh daddy as he brought play doh. She is very distressed as my partner has been there for a year and she trusts him completely, he is very supportive there for me and the children and both girls are extremely happy and stable. I am now confused after everything why my ex husband is allowed to walk in and get what he wants?

I do have a couple of questions to. If I don?t let him see them even if court order says he has to as I don?t feel comfortable what will happen? I have heard that the children could be taken off me which is the last thing I want but I really don?t want him here in my house and I don?t feel comfortable having him around at all. He will let them down again, he always has and has already said that he isn?t letting me get my way so he will be seeing the kids when he likes. He only wants to see them to annoy me as he knows I don?t want him too. I feel now that I shouldn?t have got my residence order as years would have gone by and he would never have bothered with them, he has been given it by the courts that I felt were there to protect me. Also I have a review hearing in July with regard to this matter, do I have to turn up? What happens if I don?t? I am so at a loss about this, I am not sleeping, I have vertigo and been to doctors who says I am under tremendous stress and pressure. I am hoping you will be able to give me some advice as I just don?t know where to turn. i just want to protect my children from his controlling bullying behaviour.

[GypsyMoth]

you have to abide by the order......transferral off residency/punishments are becoming more common for those in breach

complain about cafcass not reading the file.....why didnt you make more ofa fuss and insist it was read and question the access in your own home?? this cant be right

[GypsyMoth]

what has he done to your children with regard to his bullying?

[STIDW]

Do not underestimate the importance courts attach to contact. In all but the most exceptional cases the presumption is that when children live with one parent they have the right to know and see the other other parent, warts and all. Children who are insecure about their natural parentage tend to grow up not knowing their identity and low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. DV isn't necessarily deemed a reason for no contact.

Rarely can non compliance with a court order be justified and there is a raft of enforcement measures such as being directed to attend parenting classes or ordered to do community service. Alternatively shared residence can be awarded to equalise the power between parents. Apart from appearing unreasonable, which won't help your case, if you do not attend court the judge can make an order for you to attend and attach a penal notice so you risk going to prison.

Generally it is better to accept contact is going to happen and to argue for safe contact. If you don't have one already my suggestion would be to engage a solicitor who should be able to advise you about evidence of the effects of DV and present your case in the best possible light in July.
Evidence of the effects on DV

[freshmint]

were you represented when the order was made? if so what does your solicitor say about all of this? You should definitely go to the review hearing and make yourself heard. You should also be represented - especially if you weren't the first time around.

Go and see a family solicitor which is a member of resolution and get some advice. Good luck

[cestlavielife]

go to the hearing. you ned to rpesent your case. they should not be ahving contact with hima t your house. that is if anything evenm more confusing for them.
why on earth was contact ordered at your house???!!

can you offer contact centre? research and visit contact centres near you

//www.naccc.org.uk/

from what you ahve said, altho the Dc have reacted badly it isnt clear that his behaviour to them is in itself harmful or of concern -just that they confused as to who he is etc..tho there may be more to it...

[melvinscomment]

@ louisajj :- The family courts always do what they think is best for the children and pay a lot of attention to what the CAFCASS person (social worker) says. In your case it looks like the court has decided it will be best for your ex to reintroduce himself to the children where they live with you. Then have contact at his home, first on his own, then with his partner. If you disrupt the plan you may well find yourself accused of denying the children their right to contact with their natural father. Whether as a result your ex would apply to the court for the children to live with him, saying eg he is willing to let them visit you, I wouldn't know, but clearly that is something you would want to avoid.

[Resolution]

I'm guessing here, but was this all agreed at the first (conciliation) hearing?

If you felt a bit intimidated to agree to this, then take it back to court. I've come across some instances where the judge/court clerk and the cafcass officer do put a lot of pressure on the mother to agree to something she's really uncomfortable with.

If my guess is right, ask the court to ensure that the recording of that appointment is available for transcription.

[louisajj]

Basically the cafcass officer came back after speaking to my ex and said that he would agree my residence therefore i would get what i want if i agreed to the contact he wanted. I felt that the only way of protecting the children from being taken away by him was to agree with it. But now I have discovered from a lot more research that a lot more should have been looked at and their probably should have been a leave of proceedings to investigate things further.

[GypsyMoth]

What have you discovered?

[louisajj]

The domestic violence should have been taken into account especially as the children were witness to it, and he should have been told to attend a contact centre. The hearing should have been given a leave for further investigation due to the sporadic and gap in contact, the domestic violence, the fact the little one doesnt recognise her dad. There are even guidelines and the welfare checklist that is supposed to be followed which includes looking at the disruption being caused to the child in recommencing contact and how that is restarted. Also the risk upon the child in recommencing contact. i have visited my childrens centre and they have got onto cafcass themselves who are also concerned as to why such contact was issued following what has gone on in the past. I have them ringing me back to discuss it further and I have also contacted the courts with the issues and they are looking into it. They are also concerned as to why contact has been reintroduced so quickly and after just 8 weeks following violence, the fact he has spent years denying the children are his and the little one especially doesn't recognise him that he is being allowed to take them away on his own.

[cestlavielife]

well it sounds like maybe a quick decision was made without all facts etc - but at least now you getting everyone on side as it were to protect the children. hopefully this time nothing will be missed out... are there police records etc as evidence?

[Resolution]

Get it back to court if the previous proceedings have now ended. sounds like it was dealt with too quickly and without sufficient consideration.

[melvinscomment]

@ louisajj :- I think it will be best if you can do a deal with your ex re how much contact he has at his place. If your ex isn't likely to physically or emotionally harm the children when with him I would think he is likely to be granted some contact. If you and your ex can agree that then a "consent order" can be issued by the court, which saves everyone a lot of stress! I'm not saying this is likely in your case but, if it is decided that comflict between parents is harming their children, the children can be removed from both parents, placed in care, then put up for adoption!

[STIDW]

OP shouldn't feel bullied by threats of losing the children into agreeing something which might be dangerous and not be in the children's best interests.

Removing children from both parents or changing residence is relatively uncommon and highly unlikely in the circumstances described. Such drastic measures are used only when there is evidence that children are being significantly harmed or at risk of harm. A change of residence is relatively rare and really only happens where children aren't surviving well and when there is an intractable dispute, there has been substantial court involvement and the child is familiar with the other parent.

[cestlavielife]

dont "do a deal" about contact at his aplce - clearly there are concerns - and it would be far ebter for supervised contact at a contact centre say for six months and for feedback from that. if it goes well, progress to his place etc.

" Since then she has wet the bed that night and wet herself and messed herself several times since her dad turned up. "

you want to be sure things are going well - contact centre on neutral ground gives security/safety for all adn espec for chidlren. as they will know other adutlts around .

[melvinscomment]

@ STIDW :- Fair enough, but if or when the matter goes to court the judge has to decide what to do. If it seems likely that the judge will say there should be some contact at the natural fathers home, then I think it would be best if louisajj and her ex can agree what that would be. Or to put it another way, will louisajj be able to prove that contact between her ex and children is likely to significantly harm the children and so should not be allowed at all?

[GypsyMoth]

dv and the contact is given in your home with you there?? unheard of by me!

contact centres are only ever meant as temporary measure,but will enable your dc to get to know their dad again and build a relationship,but the aim is to move on to unsupervised contact fairly quickly

[GypsyMoth]

its rare no contact at all is given melvin....even prisoners can obtain contact inside prison....and dv certainly doesnt prevent access

[melvinscomment]

@ ILoveTIFFANY et al :- I think it will be best if louisajj and her ex can reach an agreement re contact at the ex's home, then if appropriate that could be written up as a "consent order" and issued by the court. Nice and easy!

[GypsyMoth]

is his home suitable i wonder?? or like many men,a bedsit or room in a shared house?

[GypsyMoth]

*separated men

[GypsyMoth]

he has a girlfriend i see.....for me,thats setting off alarm bells,only because of my own experience

my ex has committed dv with every single girlfriend and wife.....many men conduct their relationships this way.....so the dc would (maybe) STILL be witnessing dv

[melvinscomment]

@ ILoveTIFFANY et al :- However, is there any evidence that the ex and his girlfriend have any arguments which could upset the children?

[GypsyMoth]

op mentioned he and the girlfriend had 'some problems'.....an elaboration on that would be helpful

also,he was cautioned for common assault after they had split....

[melvinscomment]

@ ILoveTIFFANY et al :- I think it would be a question of whether any 'problems' between the ex and his girlfriend are considered significant. Also 'cautioned' for common assault isn't the same as 'convicted of' common assault, ie all that is required is for a police officer to say you shouldn't do that it is, or may be, common assault!