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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Legal matters

Can they take my DD away for this?

20 replies

xstitch · 26/02/2011 21:46

I lost my house due to a combination of XH leaving and redundancy. I had no option but to move to the next town over. Did find a job but couldn't move to take it up after XH took me to court to prevent me. Where I am living is within the boundaries set by the court btw.

I have been job hunting and have a record of all applications etc. Although I have qualifications there are no relevant jobs within commuting distance of the designated area. I have applied for other jobs but been turned down on the basis I am over qualified :(. I have really given up hope of ever finding a job but am still looking IYSWIM. Money is very tight and I have had to tell XH that I can no longer afford to travel back to old town to take dd to school so wanted to move her to the local school. Had to justify to him all the steps I have taken etc. He wants to know WTF I have been doing with all the maintainance money he sends me and his solution is he takes dd off me. How do I prove what I have been spending the maintenance on and will they take her off me I am trying my best but it is never good enough. I am in a panic please help.

OP posts:

Report

thumbwitch · 26/02/2011 22:27

well you can start by keeping receipts for everything and creating a spreaddsheet of expenses, as though you were a self-employed person doing it for tax purposes. It never ceased to amaze me how quickly things added up - I couldn't believe my credit card bill sometimes, but it was all there and all made sense - just the end sum was a bit shocking!

Since your courts up there seem to have the bizarrest notion of what is right and wrong in your case, I couldn't say whether or not he would get residency - but you would have to probably show that the local school you wish to transfer her to is in no way inferior to her current school - if it is, he might have grounds for wanting to keep her at that school and the courts might grant him weekday residence so that he can do the school run himself. But you won't lose her to him entirely! Just Monday to Thursday nights. If you could get her to school on Monday and pick her up on Friday and have her all weekend then he couldn't really complain about that. But I know that's not what you want at all, of course.

If you can demonstrate adequately to the courts that you have tried over and over to get an appropriate job in the zone they have set for you, and there is no such job available, but there are jobs further afield, they might consider extending your zone - but I don't know. You need to get a sympathetic and decent solicitor behind you, one who won't tell you to "suck it up" but will really fight your corner.

Hope someone else has more concrete advice for you.
:(

MingNingPing · 26/02/2011 23:22

Agree keep a note of all monies paid out in food, clothing, activities etc.

He is a knob.

madmouse · 26/02/2011 23:23

x-stitch I saw your other thread linking to this one. I don't practice family law but i would not think so. Your ex plays this game that it is only by his grace and goodness that dd is with you. He uses this to control you and your self esteem is low so you find it hard to defend yourself against it.

You do not have to justify what you spend maintenance on (does he give you a lot anyway? And a lot by whose standards?) - he has an obligation to provide for his child. If she's hungry cold and not dressed then he can ask where the money goes. Do not start justifying to him how you spend the money. Go to your solicitor say he is threatening you with removing dd.

If you cannot afford to take her to that particular school it is up to him to give you extra money stipulating it is for travel, if you are willing to agree to that.

xstitch · 26/02/2011 23:31

Thanks all, he won't give me money for travel because its expensive . Its not loads of money, but maybe I am just being greedy. Its £150 PCM.

Moving this week out of my mums as finally got somewhere to go I just know SS will turn up while I am emptying the van and they won't like a house packed up in boxes .

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lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 26/02/2011 23:37

no they wont. I assume shes been living with you sll this time? ex is being a knob, and SS arent stupid enough to think houses get moved into with a day. As long as its safe, warm and clean they wont mind :)

ilovemyhens · 26/02/2011 23:58

They won't take your dd away from you. You're doing the best you can and life is hard for a lot of people in this current climate.

I've had all kinds of threats from my ExP and he took me to court for residence of ds1, but they didn't even entertain him.

SS are only interested in severe neglect/abuse cases these days because most departments are hopelessly burdened with bad cases.

Your ex sounds like he's very controlling.

How old is your dd?

xstitch · 27/02/2011 00:02

He is very controlling ilovemyhens. She is 5.

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ilovemyhens · 27/02/2011 00:07

Why are SS involved? Has he called them?

My ExP is very controlling too and utterly obsessed with ds1. He'd do anything to gain residence and I used to worry myself sick that I'd lose him, but when I look back, I was just being over anxious about it and there was never any real danger.

The courts wouldn't remove a young child from its primary care giver unless there were severe neglect/abuse/drug/alcohol stuff going on.

xstitch · 27/02/2011 00:10

His mum works with them ilove, they (his family) like to make all sorts of allegations.

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ilovemyhens · 27/02/2011 00:18

Oh, bloody hell. I know these types of people. Is his mother a social worker?

Allegations have to be proven. Your dd's school and gp will verify that she's well taken care of. These types of people are vindictive and just out to cause trouble. No court would entertain taking your dd without good proof of total abuse/neglect.

Please try to remain calm. I know how difficult it is. My ExP used to threaten all kinds of stuff, but it was just all hot air and he got nowhere. The courts aren't stupid.

I have to go to bed now. I've pmd you. Try to get some sleep and have some faith that this will be okay. What you are feeling is normal, but you're not going to lose her, so don't panic.

SecretNutellaFix · 27/02/2011 10:03

XStitch is he still doing the coats thing?

xstitch · 27/02/2011 10:14

Yes he is nutty, with whatever piece of clothing takes his fancy.

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Resolution · 27/02/2011 10:18

Xstitch: is your case before the court at the moment? If so, who has applied for what? What orders are currently in place - particularly the one that restricts where you live. Why, in particular, was this order made? Can't comment until I know all of this. The law in Scotland is very much the same as in England. It's just the procedure that's different.

SecretNutellaFix · 27/02/2011 10:24

Make an inventory list of everyting she takes with her, and everything that comes back with her. This will be your proof that he is the one denying your dd appropriate outerwear, not you.

xstitch · 27/02/2011 10:42

Its finished in court. I had the chance of moving to another area to get a well paid job so XH took action to stop me and won. The ruling said that his, and his family's right to be close to dd was more important and the sheriff couldn't see why it would be that bad financially. He did initially take action for full residency with no contact for me but that was denied. He has PR.

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Resolution · 27/02/2011 11:58

Did the court think that the primary reason for the move was to come between the child and the father? Have you spoken to a solicitor or barrister about an appeal?

xstitch · 27/02/2011 12:09

I have been told an appeal isn't possible because there was no error in point of law. That job has gone now and I have been advised that I would have to apply separately for each move if I got a job so not really possible as the time it would take would be so long I wouldn't get the job :(.

In the original case I laid out my plans for me to facilitate contact.

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Resolution · 27/02/2011 12:15

Didn't the court think of your rights under the Human Rights Act? How far did you want to move?

xstitch · 27/02/2011 12:26

I have no rights only obligations apparently. In the ruling it stated that I should attempt to change my behaviour so as to return to an amicable relationship with my ex and his family. The problem is the only way it appeared outwardly amicable is that I obeyed their every demand out of fear. I also stood back and took all their insults. The thing is when they started sending the insults to me via dd I had to do something because it was disturbing her IYSWIM. I feel he has been given free reign to control every aspect of life and even worse he feels this too and feels even more justified in his actions.

I did want to move 300miles but I did have a plan A,B and C for contact.

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ilovemyhens · 27/02/2011 13:32

I am in a very similiar position, but it does become easier as they get older. My ds was 'sent home' with insults messages to give to me and it has led to some very disturbed behaviour from him over the years.

You must strive to limit the amount of control he has over you by trying to keep things business like and refusing to be drawn into any of him crazy games.

Keep a written record of anything abusive/controlling that he does and try to limit face to face contact as much as possible. Try to get things in writing to keep for proof.

We even started recording phonecalls in order to defend ourselves due to all the lies he was telling in court.

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