Advice on contact please?

[bettiboo]

Hi, you remember me from before. ExP reduced contact significantly through a solicitor. Ex only has DS once a week now and one over night stay a month.

He used to have DS half the holidays (although did return him at the end of the day rather than overnight stays) but hasn't since he went through a solicitor for contact. I've covered last half term and xmas holidays. I need to plan the holidays for the rest of the year now and I'm quite happy to pay for childcare myself rather than ask his dad (well not really happy), but don't really see why I should. I want to ask him to cover some of the holidays but don't too (if that makes sense). I suspect he may say no anyway. It feels a shame too that my DS won't get to spend extra time with his dad - poor little soul. I may write to his solicitor to see if he's prepared to have him in the holidays, but before I do, I'd love some advice. I really hate to ask him for anything, but I know I should probably put that to one side because my son could use spending at least a little quality time with his dad and I could use not having to spend all the money I don't really have extra to pay for childcare. Thanks in advance.

[GypsyMoth]

I would never rely on an ex for childcare, never.

Especially one who has refused contact. Perhaps ask for extra maintenance to cover these times?

[Resolution]

You can't get extra maintenance unless he pays voluntarily - so long as he's paying at CSA rates.

The danger is that you need to plan holiday care in advance, and if he lets you down at short notice you might be stuck. Look and see if there's anywhere you could put him at short notice if necessary. As you say, dad having him will save you money and your son might like it.

[GypsyMoth]

I meant pleasing to his better nature re maintenance, not looking to obtain it legally, see what he says.

[bettiboo]

Mmm.... yes, as I thought. Probably best not to even bother asking him. He would never agree to more money and I suspect he won't agree to covering any of the holidays either. I'll just stick with managing it myself. He only causes my son to suffer low self esteem anyway, so probably best for everyone. He has better fun at club. We'll have to forego a holiday to pay for childcare again, which is such a shame.

[bettiboo]

Just realised I should have said 'you may remember me from before'. :)

[cestlavielife]

yes i made mistake of planning around exP doing some childcare in half term and it all went horribly wrong. big mistake.

plan around holiday clubs.

[bettiboo]

thanks Cestla, I will. I'll also pull on the support of friends and family, they're always as supportive as they can be. It's very sad that after 6 years of spending quality time with his dad, he no longer has that privilege. What on earth goes on in the head of a man who gives up his time with his own child? I just don't get it.

[Resolution]

Me neither. There are plenty of us though who would crawl over broken glass to spend 5 minutes with their child in a situation like this.

[gillybean2]

Try and book holiday clubs with a scheme that you can get your money back if you cancel. That way if your ex does suddenly decide he can have ds at the last minute you can get some of the money back at least.

I use Barracudas in the easter and summer holidays and pay £3 a day extra which allows me to cancel with full refund or swap the days around nearer the time without further cost.
www.barracudas.co.uk/

Otherwise would his grandparents be happy to take him for a few days (or a week even?!)

How old is your ds? If he's over 10 you can book him on a DoIt4Real holiday (they book up very fast for the reduced price rate though (if you are on WTC you should be entotled to the lowest price) - keep checking as they wil have the 2011 holidays out soon).

My ds has been away twice with them now. He does get a bit home sick but has enjoyed the activities too.
www.doit4real.co.uk/
If you can afford to pay more then you could look at companies like pgl.

How about your local scouts group? Is your ds interested in joining? They sometimes have a summer camp where they go away for a week. Ds's troop only go away for a weekend at a time though.

I would make the arrangements and then offer your ex the chance to cover any days he wants but tell him you have provisionally booked childcare for those days so he needs to let you know by (give a date say in june) when you need confirmation as you need to confirm the places. DOn't cancel them until the last minute you can get a refund back for them though.

[bettiboo]

Thanks so much gillybean. My DS is under 10. I don't have any parents but do have a fab aunt and cousin who will likely have him in the holidays. I don't get WTC or any other help, I work full time and earn a half decent wage but also have a massive mortgage and personal loan (not to mention all the other rising cost of bills). I'm not complaining, I feel very lucky, I have a job (albeit the NHS so maybe not for long), a wonderful DS, a roof over my head etc. A holiday's not a priority, we'll do other fun things. I'll check out scouts though, and there's a reasonably priced day centre that he attends sometimes. I'm not going to ask my ex to have DS in the holidays. If he offers then great, if not, then I'll manage. I suspect he won't. I've spent enough years 'bullying' him into spending time with his son and realise (a bit late) that it's not up to me to force him to have contact with his son.