Not having any more? Feeling broody nonetheless? Support for anyone whose heart wants more but head says no!!

(37 Posts)
happynappies Thu 24-Jan-13 15:00:49

I've got four dcd now, my youngest being 4 months old. We always said we'd had four, and while I was pregnant with my youngest I kept thinking I'd feel a sense of our family being complete once she arrived. Of course I don't. Realistically I don't think I could cope with being pregnant again - it was very difficult last time, and age isn't on my side, plus lots of practical reasons why four really is enough...

But I still feel so sad going through everything for 'the last time'. I find it particularly hard packing clothes away when dd moves into the next sizes. Dh wants me to E-bay everything - clothes, maternity stuff, TENS machine etc, but I think its too soon, and get too emotional. I kind of wanted to 'enjoy every moment' with this baby, but then there just isn't time - its always so hectic all the time, with life getting in the way!! I had visions of putting together a memory box, photo collages, making a patchwork quilt out of the baby clothes... that type of thing, but barely have time to sit down let alone do that type of thing...

So - anyone know how I feel? I know I'm incredibly lucky, we've got four lovely children, wouldn't change anything for the world, and we possibly could have another if we were both absolutely sure, but we've decided not too... it just seems so 'final'. I wonder if people who have two children feel like this when they have their second, i.e. is it just because I've done this so many times that it will feel so odd not to be carrying a maternity exemption card for prescriptions, not to be thinking ahead and planning the best time for a baby, not to be looking at maternity clothes all the time, not to need to keep hold of all the baby stuff... Is it hormones??!!

3monkeys3 Thu 24-Jan-13 19:19:33

I have 3dc and feel very much the same. Ds2 (dc3) is 17 months now and I am feeling better about moving on - am trying to focus on the positives and finding that there are lots. I still have a little pang now and again, but I think this is just how it is for those of us who are naturally maternal.

Mosman Fri 25-Jan-13 05:38:23

I think my energies need redirecting.
DH and I discussed another last night and he is dead against so fair enough it's not going to happen.
I am going to move house, which was on the card anyway, settle my biggest one into high school and concerntrate on the ones I've got, decorating their bedrooms nicely, keeping on top of their home work, getting very fit myself and looking good. At that point DH usually knocks me so I shall enjoy telling him no chance as I'll be nearly 40.

vanhelgan Fri 25-Jan-13 11:31:34

Me too.. Always planned four and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't feel like that was enough when DC4 arrived last year. I also find it really hard to watch every stage with the feeling that it is for the last time.

My strategy at the moment is to try and take the pressure off myself with a "never say never" attitude. I truly think in my head we are probably done at 4 but I'm allowing myself to wait before making that decision final - I'm hoping that the broodiness will lessen with time! DH has agreed to keep options open but I think he's rather hoping I can move on from the baby thing. I wish I could but for now things are going up in the loft..

Reassuring that you feel it lessening 3monkeys3, and also agree with Mosman that I may need to redirect my energies.

So difficult isn't it?

Moominlandmidwinter Fri 25-Jan-13 15:13:29

Same here, I also have 4dc (all girls!), with my youngest being 4 months. We weren't going to have anymore after DD3, but changed our minds. We definitely can't have any more, for financial reasons and lack of space. I feel so sad though, and a little envious of SIL, who is 10 weeks pregnant. I put some baby clothes on ebay, and was secretly happy when some didn't sell! I'm trying to make the most of my mat leave with DD4, but it's going so fast!

happynappies Sat 26-Jan-13 19:38:21

Aw, perhaps I should be re-directing my energies instead of dwelling on it. Sat feeding dd last night and had tears running down my face thinking about it being the last time. Soooo hard. My sister is pg with her first, and I know I am going to find it sooo hard not to be completely jealous when her dd arrives in March.

Am interested to hear that it gets better with time, and that there are positives. I can imagine that once the youngest is out of nappies and naps etc you are more mobile as a family unit, and can be more spontaneous... Our family runs a bit like a military operation, so I guess that is something to look forward to for the future, plus it will be great not to have to fill up the car with buggy, baby seats, changes of clothes, nappy bag etc not to mention stair gates, travel cots etc when you're going away... Still can't get my head around it though!!

honey86 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:29:22

i used to be like that... my dd will be 4 soon.. but once i found something to focus on i rethought it and the novelty of it wore off... im only just gettin broody agen n now i dnt know if i remember how to burp a baby lol

Mosman Sun 27-Jan-13 09:35:28

I was thinking about this again last night, I could still be talked into another two by Guy Pearce.

Oodsigma Sun 27-Jan-13 10:42:02

I'm coming to the end of pg with dc4 and this is it.weve got the baby stuff out & I'm looking at my little girl things and thinking they may not get used by us again ( don't know if its boy/girl)

This is definately it, have really pushed it having this one. We can just about squeeze dc4 in the house/car but physically this pregnancy has wrecked me. I can't walk further than around the house with crutches & have a wheelchair for going out.

happynappies Sun 27-Jan-13 20:25:54

Oodsigma - poor you sad That sounds awful. I wasn't that bad, but did feel my body was definitely saying 'enough is enough' when I was pg with my fourth. Developed gestational diabetes too, on top of the SPD... but more than anything was just so exhausted. I'm still on quite a high four months in that I'm not pregnant any more! Sending you lots of positive vibes to get you through the last part of your pregnancy. Take care Oodsigma.

Oodsigma Sun 27-Jan-13 21:01:56

Oh I was so worried about GD this time. Didn't have it thankfully. I feel the same as you though, body has had enough. I'm getting sterilised this time too to avoid future temptations!

Bagofmashings Sun 27-Jan-13 21:10:31

I feel exactly the same. I actually only have I 'bio' DC' (sorry, I know some people don't like this term but I can't think of another term to use!) but have 3 DSC's. I love them all to bits and would never wish not to have them, I just feel sad that I will only have 1 baby. It would be very impractical to have another child for many reasons and I always knew I would only have 1 (or is that 4?) but I do sometimes feel sad about it and I can't quite bring myself to get rid of all the baby stuff yet.

musicalfamily Mon 28-Jan-13 09:27:41

I felt terribly broody when DC4 was a baby but DH had the snip as we both agreed that our family was definitely complete.

Now that my DC4 is 3 and a half I feel much better as I am starting to focus more on my work and in April I will be returning full time (eeek). I am starting to think forward now and in a way a new phase of my life has started.

I do have dreams about being pg and having a baby though and there seems to have been a lot of pregnant mums and new babies around recently, which makes it worse! All the kids are desperate for another sibling but obviously this is not an option now!!!

I think it is normal to feel this way, it's the "end of an era" feeling....

Frikadellen Tue 29-Jan-13 13:30:36

Well my dd3 (no 4) is 9 and I am still feeling like it would be nice to have another one.. DH however turned 50 this year and is far from keen on the idea feeling he will be way to old by the time this one would be 20..

I get that this is something to consider but truth is I would love to have another one and simply have to accept that it is not on the cards

I have never felt i was " done" having my family despite us saying 4 and I adore my 4.

I think sometimes you just need a bit of distance from your last pregnancy, especially if you've had your DCs close together. For me after my fourth It got easier year after year to accept she was my last - as it started to make less and less sense to have another as we were moving on as a famly.

In retrospect it was the wisest decision as the school years can throw up problems you may not have thought of when they were all small and to some extent more manageable.

Four DCs is a lot of children even if everything is text book - if you deviate from the norm because of illness, SN or learning difficulties it can quickly become too much for even the most capable parents to handle.

I'm sure you are, but try to enjoy the children you have and savour every stage with this last baby. I really enjoyed DC4's babyhood much more than the older ones - probably because I was way more relaxed. I think this helped me let the broodiness go as I have such good memories of that time - I felt like I had experienced motherhood fully IYSWIM.

Hope you can move on and enjoy the various stages - good luck.

skratta Tue 29-Jan-13 19:09:02

I have four, and do want a fifth, but aren't ceriain currently. My eldest are both thirteen, twin girls, then DD3 is eight and DS is five. Financially, we could possibly scrape through okay, and if I was to have another child, it would make sense to do so after moving to Denmark, currently in USA, but that is only in five months. I am still vaguely young haha but four is probably too, too difficult.

I think seeing him start school this year has made me realise how long it's been, how old they are now comparatively and make me wish I had a little baby back. Unfortunately, couldn't cope probably, and couldn't get through the toddler years again, nevermind the rest!

imip Wed 30-Jan-13 13:48:24

Dd4 has just turned one and I am so broody, especially when I see a newborn baby. I've slowly been going through clothes and I just can't bear to get rid of anything, keeping the very best for my grandchildren confused. But as mentioned up thread, if you've had them closer together you just need time to distance you from the 'pregnancy' phase. For me, after the stillbirth of my eldest baby, I gained comfort from being pregnant again. I can't explain it, I know that I cannot replace my first daughter, but it is just how I felt. So 'finishing' our family has been a bit of a double whammy for me. Also I don't think I could go through the sleepless nights again. I have not slept through the night for about 8 years since first falling pregnant. We started trying to conceive about 10 years ago. Infertility, stillbirth and then 4 more dds later, I know now to be thankful for what I have and to focus on the family I have. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to get sterilised during the c-section with dd4 (there you go, a fifth c-section, another reason not to have another child!).

toodles Wed 30-Jan-13 14:00:32

I have 4, always wanted 4 and no more, but when dc4 came along I also felt incredibly sad that this one was the last. I've hated giving all the clothes away too but just don't have the room to store them. Feeling broody subsided after she was around 16 months. Last pregnancy was more difficult than the rest. I just felt very tired the whole way through. Never want to go through that again and I'm now looking forward to working again but not until dc4 goes to nursery.

Irishmammybread Wed 30-Jan-13 14:11:43

imip how sad to have lost your first baby, I'm sorry.
I have three dc 19,13 and 9 and even though deep down I always would have liked another baby DH didn't really, it wasn't practical so I was quite resigned to it. However we had an unexpected pregnancy last year which sadly ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks. The whole family was devastated, DH was keen to try again,we knew we couldn't replace the little one we'd lost but felt there was definitely room in our family for a fourth. I miscarried again at 6 weeks and then again at 12 weeks and as I'm going to be 45 next month I know I have to accept that I might not be able to have another baby.
This desire for a baby now feels like a raw ache and as though something is missing from my life. I know I'm very lucky to have my wonderful family and I try to focus on them, I just hope as time goes on it will be easier to accept and peace of mind will follow.

DreamySleepyNightySnoozySnooze Wed 30-Jan-13 14:26:05

I know this is aimed at larger families but you said you wondered if people with 2 Dc felt the same way.

I have 2 Ds's, and we've decided we won't have any more. I feel extremely broody, and jealous of pregnant ladies and new babies. I would love another, but Dh doesn't want anymore and I think I've been lucky to have 2 problem free pregnancies and almost problem free labours. I don't want to tempt fate by doing it again.

I feel so sad each time my youngest outgrows something (he's 20 weeks) thinking that I'll never use it again. When the time comes to stop breastfeeding I will be an emotional wreck. I cried loads when Ds1 stopped and it will be so much harder this time. sad

I just keep telling myself that it could still happen. Never say never and all that. I'm 31 so still have time (Dh is 40 soon and he thinks he's too old for any more!).

Oodsigma Wed 30-Jan-13 15:27:32

frik & dreamy dh is going to be 50 when dc4 (his dc2) is born....

pansyflimflam Wed 30-Jan-13 15:37:54

I have 5 and would love another but feel like I am dodging bullets at this age and could not bear to lose a baby. I am 43 and two children of mine have Sn and illnesses so it is flat out but I do love it and feel really really sad there will be no more as they bring us such pleasure. I am redirecting myself (time allowing) into some art dealing about which I am very passionate and hope to take the edge off the sadness. I really wish I felt as if we were done iykwim but DH is the same as me and would love another too.

pansyflimflam Wed 30-Jan-13 15:39:20

OP my youngest is 9 months and this felt a lot worse when he was younger... maybe the same for you if you give it some time.

I have 5, youngest is coming up to 2 and I'm terribly broody! I was adamant for about 18 months that I was done and I'm still pretty sure but just not 100%!
I've still got a few years left in me and I'm hoping I get over it tbh. I've been blessed with healthy dc and although I had 2 mc they were very early so not too traumatic compared to others.
I feel like I'd be pushing my luck a bit to have more plus I hate pregnancy and have terrible spd and 'minor' ailments throughout.
It's not even particularly another baby I want, more another child in our family.
I think I hate pregnancy more than I want a baby!

chloeb2002 Thu 07-Feb-13 01:49:06

its hard.. i am expecting dc #4 in 5 weeks time. Mine are 10, 5 and 2, We said for long time that we will have 4. I feel really blessed not to have had any mc or similar. #2 child has special needs though not that bad and he goes to mainstream school. At 37 I figure I would like my own time again, to maybe have hobby again! So I will tell myself that when i can get all the kids to school age, I can have some me time. also this will be cs #3 and the cost of school... that's my reasons for no more.. I will just have to keep o telling myself that!

JaneLane Thu 07-Feb-13 02:18:44

I'm expecting my DC4 in March and me and DH have decided this baby will definitely be our last. I'm finding it very hard not to get all weepy about "lasts" like last time I'll be 35 week pregnant etc...

But 4 is all we can manage financially and we get housing through my DH's work so we cannot guarantee we will always have space for more. Plus my body has just about had enough now - it has been 4 pregnancies in just under 8 years!

amazingmumof6 Sat 09-Feb-13 08:54:13

exactly the same here. and we have 6!

we planned on 4, then I got very broody (had MC) had 2 more, but I just don't feel "I'm done" .

I don't know what to do. the house is full of clothes and toys and half finished projects. And baby being the only girl I went nuts with the dresses and pink. I even bought pink bottles for her!

I just can not bring myself to get rid of the baby stuff, every time I think about it (even now) my stomach is in a knot and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

my sleep deprived brain says no more, but I just don't know.
I'm 38 so 1 or 2 more children is a possibility, given I get pregnant at the drop of a hat (we joke the last to were conceived by a text and a high 5), but we are bursting at the seems as it is, but moving is really tricky - cheap enough and we'd have to uproot everything, close enough - we can't afford it.
Also we'd need a 12-seater car ( category D driving license?) and we are tired and they have after clubs and I get really sick when pg etc. And the cost, just staggering. And time, oh just never enough time for all the lovely plans to rationalize.

so many cons against just "my feeling", yet I can't decide.

Makingmama Wed 20-Feb-13 12:35:45

Oh wow totally feeling broody here too! I have 3 dc - 5, 4 and 2. DH had the snip afer dc3 sad. I was so sure/adamant I absolutely would never want more...and look at me now, I can't get 1 or even 2 more out of my head!!!??? Not right now but in a couple of years to try again confused but there's the whole snip issue in the way (and dh lol!)

So right now I have 2 options 1) I work on dh over the next year and persuade him to have a reversal grin !! Or 2) hope that these feelings go away??? sad

Feel very selfish really as I know so many people can't and why can't I just be happy with what I have...

CherryPie3 Wed 20-Feb-13 15:24:57

Oh my, can relate to this! envy

I have 3 dc's, dd aged almost 8, ds1 6.5y and ds2 2.5y.

Would love to add another child into our family but dh keeps holding me to something I said when I was 18... That I thought 2 kids would be enough. I had no kids and nothing maternal about me at that age. I also told dh that I wouldn't consider having kids etc until I was 25 - our dd was an accident and I changed forever!
If it were left to dh he'd have had the snip while I was pregnant with ds1, (holding me to my word see?) but I told him not to because he was too young (2yrs younger than me).

I talked him into having dc3, hoping it would put an end to my broodiness. Thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy despite being on crutches and feeling like my legs and pelvis were totally detached. Ds2 came along and I still haven't made myself believe that this is it.
Talked dh out of having the snip again, I am on the depo provera jab instead.
We live in an old 3 bed terrace house, but there is plenty of room and storage for one more member. But would mean buying a new, bigger car. That's the only major change really, we're planning on buying bunk beds for the boys anyway so that will free up the cotbed.

I've thought about this too much!! grin

3monkeys3 Thu 21-Feb-13 09:35:41

I'm slipping back into the broody camp damnit! I was feeling all lovely and positive about stopping at 3 but thinking about a 4th again! I so wish I could be one of those people who knows how many children they want, has that many and then stops thinking about it (though I actually suspect I am this sort if person, it's just my number is 4 and probably out if reach).

Oodsigma Thu 21-Feb-13 09:46:33

janelane snap! Am having dc4 2 weeks today. I said 4 children, my body won't take any more ( currently have been housebound from Xmas unless I use a wheelchair , 4 sections etc). No room in the house , no money for more etc yet am weeping over the lasts!

Iheartpasties Thu 21-Feb-13 11:00:51

good luck for your last two weeks oodsigma (()))

Oodsigma Thu 21-Feb-13 11:26:24

smile

weegiemum Thu 21-Feb-13 11:35:45

I'd have loved to have more. I'm the eldest of 6, life was noisy but fun! My dh is one of 2 boys and didn't have a happy childhood and never wanted more than 2. We got 3, dd2 was a 'mirena' pregnancy.

But the main thing is my body hates being pregnant! Morning sickness for half the pregnancy, crippling tiredness, SPD, ante-natal depression (and then vile pnd), recurrent UTIs and to top it all of one of my kidneys reacts to pregnancy by making constant stones for months on end which only pass if I'm given diamorphine for the pain, and my urologist said I'd possibly lose my kidney or suffer crashing renal failure if I got pg again. So dh had a vasectomy when I was still pg with dd2.

I'm now menopausal prematurely, and while it's a bit sad (I'm only 42) it's also a bit of a releif. I know I'm a good mum but I'm actually enjoying my slightly older dc (9,11,13) and wouldn't want to go back to the nappies and no sleep. I do miss the breastfeeding a bit, though. I liked that, and when I was practically catatonic and hallucinating with pnd, I took great comfort from being able to bf.

butterflyroom Sat 23-Feb-13 21:27:23

I have one and would love another but DP says no. My head agrees but my heart is aching sad

jellybeans Mon 25-Feb-13 13:26:58

imip I can relate. I have had 8 pregnancies, 2 were stillbirths and 2 miscarriages. Other 4 resulted in 5 DC (one set of twins). We are done at 5 although not been sterilised so technically we could have another. But fertility and pregnancy means so much to me after what we went through that it is hard to know we will never go through it again. Getting pregnant again after loss we were just overwhelmed with gratefullness for living DC. It is hard to explain.

Almost6 Thu 28-Feb-13 11:23:27

hi everyone, I have 6 but always wanted 8, but due to a knackerd body, and a not so willing dh I will be stopping at 6 sad my children are 15, 13, 9, 7, 4 and 19mnths. I do get very sad that he will be my last although I'm very grateful for my happy healthy 6 I still get very broody. I've tried redirecting my energies elsewhere but I will always want another. I've now got 2 dogs and 3 ponies to keep my mind occupied but they still do not compensate for that longing. I have people tell me I'm crazy, and all sorts for wanting such a large family, and also thinking we are state spongers, which we are not we provide all our children want and need through hard work. the hard part of family life is finding an affordable 8 seater car, the best bit is family time all together when each of your children say love you mum, I will never tire of that.
think the only positive to not having more will be my washing pile will not get bigger lol. although I do still like my nieces and nephews round to add to the chaos that is my household, and even they say they don't want to go, so I must be doing something right. (will just keep hoping that an accident may happen and ill have another) or maybe just buy another pet lol.

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