Do you struggle to give each child the time and attention that they need?

[catnipkitty]

Me again with more thoughts on having a 4th ... one of my worries is having enough time to give to each child, especially when I'm tired, sleep-deprived etc and as far as helping the older ones with school work etc.

Any thoughts and experiences gratefully received!

[SlartyBartFast]

how do you manage with yoru current three?

i would imagine it is the same as most, tis hard. but you do

[kittywise]

no advice, it's very tough!

[jojos4angels]

hi,...i am new to mumsnet! i have 4 kids there are 3 years between each child so i have been lucky in the sense that as each baby arrived the yougest was at pre school/nursery so i always seemed to get quality time with each child.

i am sure you will be fine!

[Sorrento]

I guess you either have to have help or else it's very hard.
If I am going for the 4th I'll be pregnant during my eldest's year 5, so I've already budgeted for a maths tutor and an 11+ tutor in addition to somebody to help running her to these things or staying with the younger ones whilst I do.
I am aiming to have the first trimester during the summer school hoildays so the absolutely shattered stage they will be busy in clubs.
I think you do have to plan ahead when it comes to number 4 to make sure it's not to the detriment of the others (and your health).

[lljkk]

Yes, answer to OP. I have 4.
I notice them acting up in ways that are obviously attention getting and direct competition with each other for my attention, too.

[bronze]

Dont really want a whole thread so I hope you dont mind me jumping in on yours.

My 4th is just under 2 weeks and I'm breastfeeding him. How did other people manage to find time to do things with the others, do the necessary housework and feed on demand?

I use a sling to cart him round as though hes an angel he wants to be held all the time. I find moving while feeding too uncomfortable/painful though so have to stop which makes looking after the others harder.

[Sorrento]

You just get used to feeding whilst walking around the house, my DD3 fed until she was nearly 3 years old and you just had to walk around with her attached there was no other way.
However the pay back was an undisturbed nights sleep so you can do anything as long as you've slept I think.

[liahgen]

Come on ladies, I can't be the only mum of a "larger" family that doesn't have help, whose dh works and doesn't get home till gone 8pm every night, but doesn't think it's hard.?

It's busy, yes i'll grant you that, but not really hard is it? We wouldn't keep having children if it was that hard would we?

Come on, housework is not the be all and end all. When littlies in bed, have a whizz round tidy up, clean loo every day,try and keep sitting room, (place where you and dh sit in evening) free of toys after they're in bed.

Keep on top of washing and ironing, if you have big kids, (older than 9 perhaps) then they have chores.

School bags and shoes away as soon as home, not slung on any old surface for you to tidy up.

Clean what you can see regularly and do what you can't every so often.

i'm sure there are more, I am the laziest housewife there is yet I still have dh dinner on table, (or in process of) when he gets home, kids go to dancing, football, swimming etc. I'm just inventive.

I play games, (board games) with 2 eldest when littlies in bed, that's nice, and then teen gets to watch shameless and other unsuitable rubbish couple times a week with us as our time too.

[kittywise]

I guess it very much depends on individual circs, the age gap between kids and the personalities of the children. When I only had five I didn't find it that hard.
Number 5 was and still is a doddle.

When number 6 arrived all hell broke loose and sent it's spawn of fury into our family

His screams have damaged my hearing, he has never slept during the day and has caused misery for us all and 2 years later utter exhaustion for me which has meant I'm too tired to give to the others.

[kittywise]

liahgen your dc's are gorgeous btw

[liahgen]

blimey kitty you're not selling it to me, we are ttc#6

Sorry it's been hard for you, you just never know how they're going to turn out do you.? My ds1, (dc2) was sent to teach me a lesson for being so smug about my "perfect" first child, lol

He's fab now, (he's 11 and half now) lovely boy.

thanks for compliment, we think they're cute but then we're biased.

How old is your #6 now?

[kittywise]

Sorry about that
I guess I just wanted to point out that it's rather up to the little blighters we share our homes with not us!!!!

When I had dc5 I thought I had it sussed, she was calm because of my superior parenting skills of course

Number 6 well...............................................

He has just turned 2 and just started pre school three mornings a week so I finally get some peace after over 10 years!!!.

I suppose all mine are close in age ds1 was 8 when ds3 was born, so 6 under 8, enough to drive you to wine

I think we would not have felt the difficulty of having another baby/child in the house if he had been easy or even just 'normally' attention seeking.

Good luck to you with the next one I'm very despite my horror 2 years, I would have another if we could afford it!!

[liahgen]

my #5 has been very challenging too, Dh even changed his mind about having another one for a while, but has realised she's still yummy even when she's velcroed onto my hip/boob/leg, (delete as appropriate) bless.

You shall enjoy your free time now then eh? What will you do with yourself? I fear I would turn into a lady who takes coffee even more regularly than i already do if I had alot of free time.

[kittywise]

Oh Yes I'm loving it!!! I do lots of gardening, go running, read books, generally pamper myself without any shred of guilt

[liahgen]

now that you are selling to me.

[kittywise]

[mulranno]

It is hard to keep on top of it all...my reasoning is that they get the attention from other places...and in my book a better place. My husband and I give our kids all of our time...but with 4 there are still only 24hrs in the day....they get attention and interaction from each other and from each others friends...we have a very open house policy...I think that this turns children into better more socially adaptable and independent adults..as they become self directed among their peers (which is the real world they will inhabit)....so I dont feel guilty that there is less time...I truely believe that the net benefit for a bigger family pays off now and in the future. I am one of 7, my mother one of 10, my dad of 12..I have 59 first cousins...families of 8, 7, 6 etc ....4 is the "small" civilised family. You need to choose to live a "different" life with a bigger family n...I dont think it is compromised..(doubt we will ever gte to Disney!)...but is enhanced.

[kittywise]

mulranno, yes that's true, of course. I have noticed that mine seem somehow 'older' than their peers in many ways and I think it is a maturity that comes from knowing that you are part of a large group (and it isn't all about you and your immediate needs) you have to wait your turn and you have to share, you have to learn to deal with discord and you have responsibility within the family etc etc.

Even my 2 year old ball of fury , who started pre school last week, can apparently line up nicely when asked, sit on his chair for snack( i don't recognise this behaviour btw)

Yes no Disney for us either but I'm not so sure that is a bad thing!!!

[PaulaYatesBiggestFan]

odd kittywise

my number 6 has been ahem challenging

at 9 months he is a dream dream baby but he has done a lot of crying

next time i will seek the help of a cranial osteopath at the first squeak!

[juuule]

"and I think it is a maturity that comes from knowing that you are part of a large group (and it isn't all about you and your immediate needs) "

I think you are right in some ways with that but I think it's more to do with not getting what you want immediately (or quite quickly) and so getting on with it yourself if you want it. This could be seen as a plus side to not giving a child the time and attention that they would want rather than need.

PYBF a couple of my younger children have been more demanding than the older children at different stages. For some I think it's down to their personality sometimes.

[Vaguely]

ok, i only have 3, but i wanted lots. and having the 3 i have has made me think maybe 3 is more than enough for me. i feel occasionally v sad that i dont feel i have enough patience, energy, emotional strength to cope with any more, and sometimes with the 3 i have.
this might be coz i had 3 under 3 tho - 13m and 18m gaps - could be i overloaded myself right from the off.

i am one of 4 from a loving home but i was v sad and anxious as a child, from about the age of 9 or 10 i think and spent my teens becoming suicidally depressed. my loving and supportive family never noticed and i swore to myself often that if i had kids id pay attention and never let such pain go unnoticed. something i need to work on with a counsellor i think!

so yeah, atm i dont think it would be fair on any of my kids for me to have any more.

[Vaguely]

scanning juules last post tho, i do have to agree that being somewhat overrun has taught me a few things wrt parenting babies at least.
namely that you really DONT have to jump to every squawk, that quite often they can figure stuff out for themselves.
being physically unable to be the neurotically attentive mother and never miss a single opportunity for emotional trauma of some kind (projecting, i know!) has made me let go of that neurosis a bit.
im still neurotic, but its well padded by a hugely laid back exterior now

[gardeningmum05]

i have 4,ages 1, 2, 9, 11.
the younger 2 are in bed by 6 which gives me time for home-work, quality talk time with the older 2.
the younger 2 get me while the others are at school, or they are at nursery while i work . this means they all get my time and attention.
at weekends, my 11 year old disappears with his friends, the other 3 play at home with us.

my weekends are very laid back because i need recovery time from the hectic week to be honest.

very very busy, but i love it and never a quiet house, quite an open house to the older 2s friends as well.

[juuule]

Vaguely, that is really sad for you. It might be worth you talking it through with someone.

Having said that it is extremely difficult to know when to intervene and when to leave alone a teen who keeps things to themselves.
I find that all I can do is reassure my children that I'm there for them if they need anyone to talk to or help with anything. I've found that trying to impose help can have the effect of driving them away. And sometimes everything can appear okay and then you find out much later that all wasn't as it appeared and your child was keeping it to themselves for some reason. It can be veryy difficult sometimes to know what to do for the best and when.