How do you cope with jealously of new baby by older children? Please help!

[hattyyellow]

I have a new daughter who is 3 months and twin daughters who are 3.7.

My twins are really struggling with the new baby, they seem to have absolutely no interest or attachment to her.

I can kind of understand where they're coming from as even though she is a smiley, lovely baby she doesn't really do much of interest to them and as I'm breastfeeding, she is "having a cuddle" most of the time as far as they're concerned.

We made sure that "presents" from the new baby sister were in place before she arrived and got several books to read to the older girls that are about children having new siblings and getting a bit jealous but loving them in the end.

We've tried being matter of fact about it "you may want to throw her in the bin, but she loves you and so do we" - talking to them about it etc but nothing seems to work.

Is it just the age? Will she get more of interest to them as she gets older and can grasp toys etc? Or will the poor mite be permanently ignored by her big sisters?

It's starting to really get us down - the girls have nursery time twice a week and I try to spend more time with DD3 during this time and then plonk her in her chair and concentrate more on them when they get home.

We're getting lots of attention seeking behaviour, hair pulling, hitting, whinging etc but all the attention and positivity in the world doesn't seem to help. Every morning they start the day with "go away baby, stupid baby" and although I'm trying not to show it I'm feeling quite sad about it all and I'm struggling to find the balance between all three when I have them all at home - poor DD3 is a very easy baby and ends up sitting in her bouncy chair a lot of the time just watching everyone - which is fine sometimes but is probably happening too much.

Any help gratefully receieved.

[Niecie]

My DS1 was 3.2 yrs when DS2 was born and he pretty much ignored him from the beginning. The only time he took any notice was when I handed DS2 to somebody outside of the family and then he got all worried about me getting DS2 back again. He occasionally said that he didn't want DS2 around any more but I just ignored it or said something like 'you will love him when he is big enough to play with you'.

He didn't really start taking notice of DS2 until DS2 started talking and could interact with DS1 more fully. The talking made all the difference. Thankfully DS2 was quite an early talker!! They are great mates now. They fall out occasionally but are pretty good at making it up again too. There is time yet for your 3 to have a good relationship. In the meantime I would just ignore them unless they are being violent. They will get used to the baby.

[BowdyLair]

It sounds very tough. Sibling rivalry is really hard for all concerned. The one thing I did which seemed to help was to tell my older ds that baby dd adored him, was watching him, etc. and then that dd had learned to smile, laugh, walk, etc by copying him because she admired him so much. So she became his biggest fan (according to me). Good luck...

[struwellpeter]

Don't let this get you down because it won't last forever, though it's really trying while it does. Your two elder ones have had their security turned upsidedown and they are reacting as any self-respecting three year olds will.

It's still very early days and no doubt their noses are still firmly out of joint. You are doing all the right things, with lots of attention and positive comments. However, don't let them get away with being naughty. They need the reassurance that you still have the same boundaries as before.

You will get through this and they will love their sister. Don't worry about your little one, she'll be fine and won't feel ignored in the least as long as she's around the others.

[hattyyellow]

Thank you all so much for your kind messages. I have to admit that reading these combined with chatting to a really lovely HV at a playgroup this morning has had me close to tears!

Thank you for the reassurance and the ideas. I tried the "wow DD3 is so amazed at your brilliant jumping" this morning and it worked well. DD3 started crying after about 10 minutes and they got cross - but even 10 minutes of them jumping around saying " are you watching this DD3?" worked brilliantly.

I'm holding out for walking and talking being easier as she can be a willing pawn in their games. HV also suggested a bumbo seat in a month or so so that DD3 can be sitting in her own chair and able to see more than on her bouncy chair or playgym. There's a local NCT sale near us in a few weeks so I'll try there.

Thank you so much for the reassurance that this will pass! You've made me feel so much better!