In Limbo - HELP!

(19 Posts)
santorina Thu 31-Mar-16 22:07:04

Ok so I'm slowly driving myself CRAZY.. I've been mulling over adding to my brood for well over a year now & it's becoming like a daily torture where I can change my mind 2-3 times a day!!

I am blessed with 2 gorgeous (but energetic!) girls - one who is 4.5yrs & the other who is 2.5yrs.. my life is a little chaotic with my husband working full time & me working 4 days a week but I wouldn't change it for the world - being a Mummy is the best!

The problem is I have this niggling feeling that there is a little person just waiting to join our family that I just can't shake off.. has anyone out there experienced this and been able to move on without doing anything about it??

The problems I have are that:
1) My husband does not want another though (& don't laugh!!) we have reached a compromise that we could try for 2 months considering we were lucky enough to conceive my other 2 quickly.. it sounds crazy but I am happy to agree to this since we both believe that if it is meant to happen it will.. have any of you had husbands who have had a different view of having 3? He is very supportive and hands on so I don't worry about his commitment though I hope it doesn't put our relationship under too much strain!
2) I worry about the impact it would have on my girls - will they struggle to share my attention with their newest sibling? Will it affect their close relationship negatively?
3) I worry about my ability as a mother - can you give 3 the love and care they need whilst juggling a 4 day a week job?
4) I worry about the financial pressure a 3rd could bring but is it really as bad as people make out?

This all sounds very negative but despite all this I would still genuinely be filled with joy if I found myself pregnant.. am I being selfish??

8angle Fri 01-Apr-16 15:28:59

I think you already know the answer : I would still genuinely be filled with joy if I found myself pregnant!

In answer to your questions: 1) go for it DH obviously isn't that anti another if he is prepared to "give it a go for 2 months"!! and may well come round to the idea more once it is a real possibility.
2) yes you will have to divide your attention by 3 instead of 2, but not your love! and actually they will have a new sibling as well - very exciting!
3)I think if you can work 4 days a week and do it for 2 you can do it for 3.
4) This bit you need to actually sit down and work out - do you need a new car? a new house??!! Have you kept all the baby and toddler paraphernalia or do you need to re buy. Obviously if you have a 3rd girl that will be a bit cheaper from a clothing point of view! holidays, clubs, education? you will have to work out your budget first.

good luck!

Indantherene Fri 01-Apr-16 16:09:10

I felt there was someone missing until we had DC5 grin

santorina Fri 01-Apr-16 21:40:37

Haha! Thank u for taking the time to respond ladies ;-) Although my heart wants to take everything you've said & just roll with it - my head can be annoyingly sensible at times & i'm finding it a daily struggle to subdue it lol! Thank u for your reassurances though - it makes me feel like perhaps it's not such a crazy idea after all! 😉 x x

babyblabber Sat 02-Apr-16 09:17:07

I'm in exactly the same boat trying to decide whether to go for a 4th. I posted something similar to you around 6 months ago and still haven't decided! I think about it constantly, so much so that sometimes I think we should do it just so I can stop obsessing! Logically I think 3 is perfect but I'm not sure logic will win!

For you I would say do it! Three is fantastic, all the fun of slightly bigger family but still very manageable.

whatsonyourplate Sat 02-Apr-16 09:24:35

I know someone who's husband agreed to try for no 3 in the six weeks before his vasectomy was booked for. That child is 8 now.

santorina Sat 02-Apr-16 09:44:34

Eek! U guys are saying all the right things!! My husband's gonna have to ban me from this site lol! grin does 3 still fall into the 'very manageable' range? I hope so.. wink

sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 02-Apr-16 10:03:42

Well I had one and DH was desperate for number two - I was very reluctant -
Only agreed like your DH in a short window and got pregnant with twins the first try -

Fast forward and the house feel empty if one is out - it's like taking your own party when you go out

They play nicely most of the time and look out for each other -

The drawbacks are the world isn't set up well for five - food in packs of four, family tickets are for four, holidays for four - only give a lift to one friend

But you get round it!

santorina Mon 04-Apr-16 20:37:48

Aw sally- what a lovely way to put it wink
It's good to know that going from 1-3 isn't insurmountable, leaving me feeling a little more reassured about going from 2-3 (that's providing the same doesn't happen to me as twins scarily run in the family!?!) shock

ayesar Tue 12-Apr-16 02:08:23

Santorina - I could have written this post myself!! I am literally in your exact same situation, except that I have 2 boys. My oldest will be 5 soon and my youngest will be 3 soon. I have been debating having a third for over a year now. Somehow got my husband to be ok with the idea and got pregnant in Dec. Unfortunately I miscarried after 3 months.

Now my husband doesn't want a third. He says the experience of miscarrying made him realize that he wasn't really too thrilled about having another when I was pregnant and that he's pretty happy with 2. He wants to have time to himself to do things he wants, and wants to have more energy, which would be hard if we had a newborn join us. I still think about another child, but I go back and forth. Some days I really want a child and other days I think there's no way I could do it. My life is easy right now. My kids are getting independent, I also work 4 days a week and its good for me, and we have enough money for all 4 of us to live well. I think having another would throw everything off. Plus, if we ever had another there would be at least 4-5 years between my youngest and a new baby and I wonder if that's too much. I don't know if it would be good to have a 1 year old and a 5 and 7 year old. The little one would be totally left out. So is there any point. My older ones wouldn't get the attention they deserve because I know how much attention kids need in the irate couple of years.

So many thoughts, yet I still think about another child. My husband wants to wait a year till we have made a final decision and then have a vasectomy. I am so confused.

santorina Tue 12-Apr-16 21:30:55

Aw Ayesar, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - it must be so hard to move on from the idea after expecting, especially when your husband is so adamant about not wanting another.. having said that you sound as confused as I do - I LOVE the idea of having another but I'm a planner so do worry about all that you are also worrying about! In some ways I wish I could just shake off the feeling that there's another baby waiting to be born into our family but over a year on & the feeling just won't go away!? My husband's therefore accepted that the only way for me to stop torturing myself (& him!) is to give it a go for 2 months... & on Friday I had my coil removed! Again I hoped I would have a strong feeling about whether this was the right move for us but I continuously swing from one extreme (being overwhelmingly broody) to the other (being quite frankly scared shitless about what this would mean for me & my family).. I just don't know if I'm overthinking the whole issue?? Either way at least you know you're not the only one driving yourself mad lol!! confused xxx

ayesar Wed 13-Apr-16 02:43:34

That's exactly the thing, even when I was pregnant for a few months I still wasn't overly excited and was still worried about everything. So after my miscarriage I decided that I will only get pregnant again if I really really want to have another and would be over the moon to get pregnant. I don't want there to be any doubts, or to just 'deal' with whatever comes my way. I want to really want this, otherwise I'm not going to do it. But of course I'm not getting to that point. I think I might never.

Zippidydoodah Wed 01-Jun-16 21:49:07

Hi all! I'm (very unexpectedly, as I was so sure I didn't want any more...) having the same thoughts about a potential fourth child!! Am I insane?!

Three is hard at times but fantastic!

santorina Wed 01-Jun-16 22:46:14

...just thought I'd update u all... I'm pregnant!!!! Lol! grin Didn't take me long to sort that little dilemma out did it!? I still worry but overall feel happy so that's gotta be a good indication.. right!? wink x

Tsotofamily Thu 02-Jun-16 12:16:16

Santorina - Congratulations smile

Zippidy - I'm currently expecting no.4, im due in 7 weeks. I will let you know once she's arrived if your insane or not to want another lol. I'm pretty sure no.4 is just going to slot right in tho grin

Zippidydoodah Thu 02-Jun-16 16:42:30

Congratulations, santorina! 😄

Thank you tsoto- hope all goes well! How old are your other three?

I'm a bit worried that life has become easier since our littlest turned two, and that was what happened when we just had two children...so we decided to shake things up a bit, ha! 😉But although it's amazing, it can be hard so I'm worried we'd be overstretched if we had a fourth. They are such a fantastic little team, though! 😊

Zippidydoodah Thu 02-Jun-16 16:43:32

Santorina- how far gone are you? You're right- you know now that it was the right decision!

Tsotofamily Thu 02-Jun-16 17:28:07

My others are 9, 8 and 4.
What's one more when you already have 3 and at least with even numbers one won't be left out

santorina Thu 02-Jun-16 18:31:54

I'm only 8 weeks so still early days ;-) x

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