Anyone got any tips on how to decide whether to have a third baby?

[Isthreeacrowd]

I know it's completely personal and everyone's circumstances and reasons are different but I wondered if anyone has any pearls of wisdom to share?

I have a 6yo DD and a 3yo DD who will be 4 in May. Husband works away a lot which will mean a lot of work for yours truly. Husband would def have another but there is no pressure from him whatsoever and decision is completely mine. I am going round in circles thinking of all the pros and cons and sometimes I am totally for it and other times I wonder whether it will be too hard to go back again just as life is getting easier child rearing wise. I even try to go with my gut instinct but this changes with the hour too!

I just don't know how to finally make the decision. Help!

[Molotov]

Watching with interest ...

[lilyloo]

Sorry no pearls of wisdom but I wouldn't change a thing about having my 3. 3 years between each so similair age gaps. It can be hard work but anything that's worth it usually is. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[breakingthebank]

I love having my 3 but I have a 6 year age gap between dc2 and dc3. My dcs are now 10, 7 and 1. It has been lovely to have a baby again and because there is a bigger age gap this time it has been much easier for me. Dc3 has just fitted in with our family from day 1 and his siblings are old enough to entertain him while I'm busy in the kitchen, etc. If I didn't have to actually give birth I'd have dc4 in a heartbeat!

[gingerbabiesrule]

I would in a heartbeat but DH wouldn't .... It would be hard though two is hard work !! I would like a bigger gap if I could choose but at nearly 37 not possible . I guess if it's your choice do you think you could manage ... Everyone I know who has three days the xtra work well worth it ??

[expectingnumber3]

I have 4 DC, eldest is just 8, and like you my DH is away most of the time do I hols the fort pretty much alone. I love it! It is hard work but I wouldn't change it for the world.

It really has to come down to if you think you could do it. All I can say is it is the best thing I have ever done. Good luck. Xxx

[WhatHo]

I have DDs 3 and 5. I still have that niggle but DH is dead set against and it wouldn't be fair to push it on him - although...

Sometimes I think 'If I wanted it badly enough he'd come round and say yes, another baby, more love, more happiness' other times I think 'our family is perfectly balanced, we all fit in a normal car, holidays work, family tickets are for four not five, no. 3 might be a sociopath, money worries...' and I think i must be mad.

I too will watch with interest.

[WhatHo]

Plus I'm 39 so it would have to be, like, last week.

[Keepingon]

I have been stuck in this 2 or 3 place for six year ever since my son was born! It's a tough choice and at 38 time is pressing, my DH works long hours so similar situation and I have a demanding family who are unable to help me out. I think that my first two may miss out on the small but important things if I got pregnant again and money worries can be very stressful to a marriage. I have two healthy children who I can support to have bright futures and enjoy time with my DH too, sometimes less is more, it's quality not quantity that counts. No one would regret adding to their family but dont confuse it with a better life or greater sense of worth. The more kids you have is not relative to how you stack up as a mother. I am only saying this as it took me a while to realise this was an added pressure to me and when I did, I could see what really mattered, if I then decided to go for another child it would be for the right reasons. Just throwing it out there!

[WhatHo]

keepingon thank you for your post, incredibly relevant to me (hopefully useful for the OP too!)

[IWantDogger]

I'm expecting dc3 in June - dd1 will e 7 and a bit, dd2 will be just turning 4 so similar gaps to you. We dithered a bit, decided not to, then had a happy 'accident' and got our heads round it, realised it was totally doable only for the pregnancy to end in mc. For me though it really crystallised how I felt and how I did want another and so we decided to try and happily fell pregnant a couple of months after the mc.
It's definitely been a 'heart over head' decision and there are moments when I worry if it was the sensible thing, but basically I'm really delighted and excited and the girls are so excited too, especially the 6 nearly 7 year old.
I'm sure the first few months will be tough as I'm not great at the newborn bit but I know that doesn't last and in September both older girls will be at school. I'm looking forward to having 1 on 1 time with the baby in the day.
DH works long hours so isn't back for bedtime but I know I can do it on my own once we get into a pattern.
Good luck with your thinking - I'm not sure having a 3rd, 4th, 5th can ever be a completely rational sensible decision can it? So I say go with your heart. (I'll let you know in a few months if I see it differently....)

[IWantDogger]

I should add I'm 33 so age was on my side in a way and I do now have family nearby (though time will tell how much they step up, am not banking on it!)

[chillybits]

I agree its a heart over head decision! Its impractical in many ways but we all adore our DC3 and our family felt totally complete once they were born.

Its isn't such hard work now the youngest is turning 3 and the other 2 are at school. However one of our other DC has been very poorly recently and needs alot of attention (it may result in a life long condition) and I do feel very stretched trying to give them all the attention they need. On the other hand the other two DC do have each other.

One suprising benefit for us was that jealousy issues between DC1 & 2 disappeared when DC arrived.

Sorry not very useful ramblings.

[SJBean]

I have 3 - 5,2 and 8mths. Always planned to have three and absolutely love it however... Both my husband and I have discussed how much of a game changer having three has been. We say no things a lot more (invites out mainly) and stay in the house a lot more due to logistics and budget! Going from one to two seemed very natural (although obviously hard in the beginning as it is with any new baby) but two to three has been tough. The plus side is it does feel like a 'big' family and lovely for them to have more than one sibling - less pressure on their relationships I think. Good luck with whatever you decide. X

[bullseyebraces]

Totally agree that it's heart over head, & that any kids after DC2 feels irrational! I'm pregnant with DC3, my older two will be just 7 and 3.9 when this one is born so similar gaps. I don't know how you finally make the decision... The contributing factors for me were - I was one of 3 myself & enjoyed it, 2 feels too neat & small for me. I felt I had it in me to get through another set of early years, & I wanted that extra person in my family. I am only 31 so also wanted to do it now, not dwell on it for years & end up with a massive gap & child rearing in my forties having already given up my twenties! DH does work a lot but my family help out. We will have to buy a bigger car though... I dunno how you decide really, I just definitely wanted a third & was willing for that to over-ride DH the practical considerations.

[mandy214]

We have 3 – had 4yr old twins when Number 3 arrived. H was less keen than I was for another and although we are happy and I wouldn’t change it - everyone has benefited, if I was completely honest and objective, life would have been easier without her. I love her with all of my heart and she has completed our family, but she is a little tornado that kind of ripped up the normality that we had before she arrived. It did put a strain on our marriage for a while (just because it was so full on with 3 under 5 – Number 3 didn’t sleep through until she was 2), we were struggling financially (more maternity leave, longer period doing part time hours, more nursery fees), less family time and less one to one time with the older children, logistics of 3 children (all potentially at different places) with only 2 adults. Needed bigger car, holidays/hotels are difficult because not as many places cater for 5 as for 4 and it is more expensive, we will need to extend if they are all going to have a room of their own as they get older (3 bed house at the mo). Just more expense / commitment / childcare / chores / organisation etc etc going forward.

BUT I would have yearned for another I think if we hadn’t have had her. I wanted that third child, regardless of the negatives, and if I ever get time to stop and think (rarely !) I love the chaos, the fact that she is here and she’s funny, and the children are a little team – all 3 of them are very close, apart from when they’re squabbling.

But, if you’re not sure, my advice would be to not get carried away with the broodiness of it, think what it would really mean for your family.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I'm trying to make this decision at the moment too. My two DC are 6 and 2.5. We always said that we'd like two children, but now I'm feeling like I might like a third. Raised the topic with my DH and while he was a little surprised he wasn't against it. But I have the same issues as some pp...my DH works long hours and is away a lot with work so the majority of the work that goes with parenting will fall on me and I do worry about how I would cope with it.

Also, a big concern of mine is that I will be spread a little too thin with three and would worry that I'm not spending enough time with them individually. It's something I struggle with at the moment and I only have 2...my DS is in Y1 at school and I would love to be able to sit down with him and help him with his schoolwork more, but whenever I do I have my DD climbing all over me and demanding my attention, so I feel like I do the bare minimum with him which doesn't feel like enough. She is only 2 so quite a challenging age, but I do find myself thinking that it must be impossible to spend that one-on-one time with each child if you have 3? To the posters that do have 3, do you find this?

And I also have days when I think, age-wise, things are just starting to get a bit easier with the DC and we can do things as a family without being restricted by having a baby to look after.

My head tells me to stick with 2 but my heart is still undecided!

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

I'm 36 and wouldn't want to have another baby beyond 40 so I have a bit of time to play with but not loads.

[wigfieldrocks]

I've just had my third ds. They are 12, 4 and 11 weeks so a good gap between each one. After ds 2 we were adamant he would be the last one but when he reached 3 we started to think how nice it would be to have a sibling closer to his age. I was 34 so it was a 'do it now or never' type situation and once we'd started thinking we'd like a third we just got on with it and he arrived 10 months later. For me it was a case of I'd already achieved a lot career wise between the first two and have been able to take a comfortable sideways step now and have more time and energy for the little ones. We are also now more financially secure than we ever have been as we have both reached our full earning potential. Ultimately it was a combination of wanting a sibling for ds2, being financially very secure and not wanting to leave it another year or two. Very glad we did - ds3 is totally gorgeous and I'm loving every second of it.

[Jackieharris]

I'm pregnant with dc3 after a 7 year gap.

It was always the plan to have 3 but it 'hasn't been the right time' for years.

It isn't perfect now either tbh but with my increasing age I felt it was now or never.

We haven't told the DCs yet bit they know we are planning on another and are happy about that.

Room sharing is going to be a problem long term as they are used to having their own space.

I think though, something to consider, coming from a mum with older DCs, don't underestimate how much they cost when they are older.

I had thought the costs would decrease but I'm finding them getting much more expensive!
Christmas/birthday demands
Adult clothes sizes
Adult food portions
Entertainment
Bus fares/taxiing
Sports equipment
School uniforms
School dinners
Hobbies
Pocket money

They are a lot more expensive than toddlers/babies! So try to think about long term affordability when deciding about extra DC when your existing ones are still little.

[Keepingon]

This is true Jackieharris I too am starting to notice everything getting more expensive as they get older, tip of the iceberg I think!

I suppose what we are all saying is that children are a blessing,we are enjoying and wether you have one or four each one is important to us, and we do our best for each and love them all loads.

So I wonder if it's about what we want to do with OUR life, have we scratched that career itch? Travelled to the places we want to see or have the capacity to do so in the future? Maintained the closeness with our partners we enjoyed in the past. Maybe we should be asking what else we want to do and how many children we need in our lives to achieve this? Family is important, top priority, but our children will lead their own lives and its up to us to make sure we do the things we want to do too. This maybe having a big family but if this means restrictions elsewhere due to less time/money etc would a big family be enough to stop you regretting meeting other personal goals? Or maybe since nothing is guaranteed you should go with your gut instinct and hope everything else fits in around that. It depends on your approach I suppose.

I think a lot! Can you tell!!!!

[jemstipp]

I have 2 dds. A 2yo and a 5yo. I feel I might like a third, not to try for a boy but because. Dh keeps bringing it up but I never know if he's serious and I'm afraid to ask incase his answer is a definite "I was only joking" but similarly incase it's a "yes, let's go for it".

[Keepingon]

It's a massive question isn't it! I wanted a third my DH didn't, then he changed his mind and I was scared, nothing has come if it yet but the question mark remains.

For us there was so much to talk/ think about after the initial shall we? Question I would advise you to break the ice on this one and talk about worries, hopes etc. whatever the outcome it will make your relationship better to share it so it's a win win situation. Deep breath!

[jemstipp]

Bloody nightmare!

[kavv0809]

Molotov I remember a thread of yours about this decision. Are you still pondering if you don't mind me asking?

[WhatHo]

Thank you OP for starting this thread - everyone's thoughts are so helpful.

all round