Anyone working full time with three kids under 3?

[lilyanna812]

Hi I am expecting my DC3 in the summer, my DS1 is 3 and my DS2 is 2.

I work full time in a job that I love and cant imagine giving that up. I only plan to take 6 months maternity leave.

Anyone here working full time with young children? I am 30 and it has taken me a long time to get to where I am, I am finally qualified to get my dream job and now that I am here I cant imagine not doing it.

However my SAHM mother in law says its impossible, that 'good' mothers stay home and look after their young children and at that young age children need their mothers.

is there anyone here who works full time with three kids???

[violetwellies]

If that is what works for your family then that is what you should do, however it is better in most circumstances that a child under 2 should be with one main carer. (parent).
Will the child's father be able to fill this role?

[lilyanna812]

we have a nanny who looked after DS2 when I went back to work at 6 months.

I know it is selfish but DH and me love our careers and have worked hard for them....and neither of us are willing to compromise on it.

I do feel guilty ... :(

[Nolim]

I say do what is best for you and your family. If working makes you a happy mum go for it. And if your mil insists that the baby needs a full time parent then maybe her son can fullfil that role.

[ireallydontlikemonday]

Violet I'm not sure that's helpful. Most people's circumstances dictate the parents are back at work at least part time by the age of 1 when mat leave ends. I'm not aware of anyone in my wider group who has stayed home full time until 2.

[christinarossetti]

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation, violet with no sound research to back it up, if I might say.

I agree with Nolimabsolutely, although I would say that you and your dh will both be beyond exhausted for a few years, so get in as much help with cleaning, childcare etc as you can.

FWIW, a friend of mine was a nanny and stayed with the same family for many years. She still has a very close relationship with the children and their parents ie go on holiday/spend Xmas together, and they're part of her dd's extended family. This has really made me think about the value of non-family attachments that children can develop.

I'm afraid that feeling guilty about being 'selfish' is part of modern parenting, especially mothering. The reality is that young children's well-being is dependent on the well-being of those around them - if working makes you happy then, for you, it sounds like the best way to achieve this.

I speak as someone who returned to work part-time, btw, because I'm fortunate to be able to do this in my job. If this hadn't been possible, I would have had a choice of going ft and feeling guilty or stop working/change jobs and feeling resentful.

[lilyanna812]

thank you for your reply.

I know it will be a challenge and we are lucky enough to have such a lovely nanny.

I am scared and worried and forseeing the bundles of guilt, tiredness, exhaustion and chaos, but looking further ahead, i think the kids will be happy and it will be worth it.

I have a brother who is 13 years older than me who i haven't spoken to for many years. Always wished i had siblings close to my age.

[Yuleloglatte]

I don't think there is a 'truth' to this. I also think it can depend on the child. I'm a foster carer, but I worked full time when I had my children. Now I often look after babies as a SAHM and in all honesty I think they, and the whole family benefit from having a stay at home parent, but we are financially secure. If we weren't, the added stress might tip things the other way. I think you just have to review and tweak things regularly. If it's not working, one of you might have to cut hours, increase help at home or accept that things are going to be hard for a while! But whatever you do, be at peace with it :)

[Soveryupset]

I did it and went on to have a fourth.. It was exhausting especially as I went back to work as my 6 months old kept waking a lot in the night. Fourth time round I took a full year off and it was better although I was still very tired. It can be done but it is very tough. Worst for me was lack of sleep!!

[codandchipstwice]

I had 3, 2 and newborn, so returned when they were 4, 3 and 1. It is possible, good childcare and online shopping are your friend, as is complete reliance on your partner to split things 50/50. Now mine are all at school I am so glad I carried on working - although still get jiffled whe have to take time off for them being sick (DD on 4th bout of tonsillitis since Dec - waiting for referral to hosp). It is easier once they are at school as there as so many less hours you are away from them (ie they are away anyway most of the day so you being at home or work doesn't matter for most of the day) - but arranging care for the holidays sucks.

I think children need happy mothers and good childcare, as a mother I am happy working and paying for good childcare, for many they are happy being the good childcare. I was horrid as a SAHM in mat leave, had pnd and was v isolated, the kids thrived with the interaction once at nursery - and as I felt less pressure not being their full time childcare I felt much better and our relationships flourished.

I say this, however, as we had a fab nursery and now and even fabber childminder - far calmer than me!

Enjoy

[MazyCrummy]

I've got 4 (12/10/8/4) so had 3yo/1yo/9mth when I went back to work after #3. ExH was awful about helping and was a bit like having another toddler, so yes, it's doable. I felt guilty, still do sometimes, but my children are happy, well adjusted, sociable and they saw that the education and training I worked so hard for was worthwhile.

I had a mediocre many nanny then (in retrospect) but I've got an amazing nanny now, completely agree about the extended family, which might explain why we're currently ttc #5, lol

Good luck Lily, and enjoy

[workingonitagain]

Lilyanna congrats on your pregnancy. Im on the complete opposite of the scale where we have been lucky enough me not having to work for the last 5years and now have 3 dc but i honestly think sometimes you can just sense the difference a mother can give to a child who works part time in patience and just an overall more fresh attitude to those mums who are there all the time. So completely agree with do whatever makes you a happy mummy because you can be there physically with the dc but if you are not 100% there,there is no point. Is there a particular reason why you couldn't just go back to do 2-3 days after 6month rather than full time to try and find balance?

[chloeb2002]

I did read a while ago a great article about kids adjustment and work life balance when both parents work full time. In short the answer was that if you work full time, have good childcare like a nanny, cleaner, earn enough to be able to do loads of extra curricular stuff at weekends and evenings. Your life and kids tend t be better balanced than those parent working part time, with modest childcare, undertaking all the domestic work too. It's all choice. I always said I would work at least 3 days a week. Since number 4 I would happily work as and when. I'm a nurse so shift work, 4 kids, fatigue, running the home with a husband who often works away.... Hard.
Now number 1 child is 12 I don't want to miss her stuff. Volley ball, swimming, running.. It matters to her. Soon she will be off.
Our second child has special needs and again, wants me to be there.
I guess i have just hit the point where I want to be a mum

[Droflove]

I'll have 3 under 3 in Dec. I'll work for myself and went back at 12 weeks on first, 6 weeks on second and thinking of 4 weeks this time. I work at home and have a fab nanny. I pop down to see the kids regularly and have them to 9am and from 5 pm on the dot. It's a fantastic balance as I get head space during the day but can see them as they come and go to play groups and naps.

[oneowlgirl]

My 3 are 8, 6 & 4 & apart from maternity leave, I've worked full time throughout. My husband & I are completely equal re responsibilities with the kids - totally 50/50 split & we have excellent, reliable childcare.

It is hard & chaotic, but great fun & I don't feel guilty at all. You need to do what's right for you & your family & only you know what that is.

Personally for me, I spent far too long & worked far too hard to get the qualifications & job that I have now & I'm not willing nor wanting to give that up (I'm not commenting on others choices - purely talking about me). Sometimes I think during school holidays it would be lovely to be off but the rest of the time they're at school & barely see them (plus I pretty much manage my own time so can do drop offs, pick ups, help in school occasionally etc).

It's truly a personal choice, so don't let anyone make you feel bad or force you to do something you don't actually want to do.

[Slippersmum]

I worked ft in a career which I adored with 4 dcs but had to give up work due to serious illness and I have to say it's only now that I have been forced to slow my life down I see how much of the detail I was missing. I worked very long hours and even when at home my head was full of work. I do think as they get older they actually need you around more. When they are little they are safe in childcare but as they get older and face life's challenges they often need you to sound things out and share. My experience is luckily fairly unusual as I have a life threatening disease which at the time almost killed me but was caught in time (maybe) so clearly that has impacted on my attitude to life and my priorities. Each family is so different and some have wonderful support networks and your dcs can turn to them when you are busy with work (as I so often was). I hope this comes across as supportive and not judgemental which is not my aim at all!!