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little voice saying Go on have another...

(24 Posts)
cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 12:42:24

I'm hearing this little voice more and more..
I've 3 under 5.Just under 5, youngest is 2. I'm 36 this year. Find it stressful and some days I'm nearly in tears. Dh works a lot so it's really down to me. We also keep guests to help pay the bills and no outside help. ..let's just say it's a crazy busy house.
I went to counselling about a year ago as I was finding it all to much.
I never get out by myself,not even to the toilet by myself and by the time kids are asleep and House is more or ready cleaned for guests I collapse into bed.
Why am I hearing this voice? Dh wouldn't mind another but says it's whatever Id prefer but I know I'd find it hard going especially when they're tiny and I know I'd probably end up in counselling again.
I don't know what I'm really asking or advice I'm looking for. Anyone else hear this voice in their heart but their head is screaming Nooo!!

loudarts Mon 18-Aug-14 12:59:13

I did when I had 3dc 4, 3 and 2, now have 6dc and the house is even madder than before.

loudarts Mon 18-Aug-14 12:59:26

I did when I had 3dc 4, 3 and 2, now have 6dc and the house is even madder than before.

MyCrazyLife Mon 18-Aug-14 14:15:14

Cabbage - I know how you feel. DP really really wants another. He's yet to fully persuade me but sometimes I wonder if we should. However I had terrible anxiety and needed counselling until a few months ago (our DC are 5, 3 and 1). I'm terrified of going back there again.

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela Mon 18-Aug-14 16:59:07

The little voice wouldn't go away here either...DC4 is a few weeks old. You are only 36 and your youngest is only 2, one of the MW's told me that I was fairly young to be having my 4th (I had my 3rd when I was older than you are now) as a lot of ladies have their 1st at my age.

By the time I fell pg with DC4 I had 2 in school or nursery and the option to put DC3 in nursery for a few hours, that helped massively as I had a few hours with only 1 DC in the house and sometimes no DC's.

I must admit that I do make an effort to get out of the house alone regularly (regularly but not always that often) usually for a hair appointment or to meet a friend for lunch (courtesy of Tesco club card points when funds are tight) and that helps to restore my sanity and my patience!

cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 20:11:01

Since reading all your replies,the little voice isn't that Little anymore grin
I just really don't think I could cope emotionally. I feel so stressed and tired somedays. Somedays I feel it's all too much and I've only 3!
For that reason I keep trying to shush the -roaring- little voice

MyCrazyLife Mon 18-Aug-14 20:57:27

Cabbage, what will you gain from having another baby? (Apart from, of course, another baby!). What are the positives?

For me, I desperately miss those moments when your baby is just born and you get to see what sex they are/what they look like, and when you have scans... But I can't get pregnant just for that! ;)

cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 22:00:07

Mycrazylife, this could take awhile grin I guess I miss being pregnant, loved it. Watching my belly grow, wearing those extra comfy maternity clothes, that beautiful feeling of baby's first movements, like butterflies. Going to miss not seeing baby on a scan or finding out is it a boy or girl or will we wait and see this time. All those appointments and attention, that rush of adrenaline when you know it's time,seeing holding, smelling beautiful baby for the first time -sigh-
Going to miss that warm feeling of holding baby so close while I feed them, watching them sleep,holding their tiny tiny hands or feet.
I could go on and on...

cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 22:06:50

Sorry mycrazylife,I just re-read ur post..you asked what would I gain not what I would miss!! Ok, let me see, my 3dc would gain another little brother or sister, another friend for them all. I'd gain another dc to love.

cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 22:10:05

Mycrazylife, if your dp didn't mind either way,and was leaving it completly up to you if you wanted more or not would you have another?

cabbagedinner Mon 18-Aug-14 22:12:24

Whomovedmyvuvu,I think if I could get out more I'd be happier

BettyNettle Tue 19-Aug-14 06:53:07

Honestly? I am not sure it is such a great idea to have another when you are struggling with the two or three you have?

Ours are 6, 4, and 2 and we found having two kids easy so we had number 3, but having another once you reach your limits might be playing with fire?

Bunbaker Tue 19-Aug-14 07:04:49

I'm with Betty. Your current lifestyle sounds pretty stressful to me. Having another child is only going to make things worse. Listen to your head, not your heart.

I just can't see any advantage in making your life more stressful and potentially unable to look after paying guests, and therefore losing an income stream.

InternetFOREVER Tue 19-Aug-14 07:27:52

The thing is a baby stops being a baby pretty soon, and then you're left with another child/ teen/ adult child who needs your time and attention! I think it can be hard for people when the special time of being pregnant/ having a new born is over, but that's not a good reason to keep having children. Ans although maybe you feel like your children would genuinely benefit from another sibling, don't forget that every extra child means less parental time for them, so does mean losses as well as gains. Honestly, with a chaotic house and finding yourself stretched emotionally, I wouldn't go through with another child. Sometimes those little voices lie to us, you know.... especially when there's hormones involved!

cabbagedinner Tue 19-Aug-14 07:41:43

I agree, I know another baby would be stressful,Im afraid I would struggle with another. I'm struggling as it is! Just need this voice to stop!!

redglasses Tue 19-Aug-14 07:46:57

In 10 years time you would have 4 teenagers asking for money to go to the cinema/meet with friends/buy friends' birthday presents, you'll have to pay for school trips, potentially school uniforms, pocket money, then may have to support them through uni, getting drivers' license and the list goes on.
It's expensive to pay for it all for 1, will you be able to support 4?

GlaceDragonflies Tue 19-Aug-14 07:52:20

Personally, I'd go with your heart but only if you've got good support in place and can work out a way to get out more.

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela Tue 19-Aug-14 07:54:27

Could you get out more cabbagedinner ? whether you have another DC or not it sounds like it would do you good.

I don't think it sounds like you need to decide one way or the other yet, see if you can make life a bit less stressful anyway with a possible view to having another and take the pressure off yourself. I've had PND in the past so each time I've had another I've been scared that I might end up in that position again. When DC3 was a year or so old I had decided that I would not be able to cope with another, then a few things changed and it started to seem possible.

The other thing is that when you have several small DC's is that when the youngest gets to a certain age you can find yourself thinking, I am usually pg by now...it can be hard to move on and start enjoying the next phase.

MyCrazyLife Tue 19-Aug-14 08:33:14

Cabbage, I think I'd choose no. I also love the excitement and attention like you. There's nothing like it.

DP was a bit of a twat when I was pregnant with DC3. Ok, so he was 21, but I was young too and he caused me so much upset (playing on Xbox instead of discussing baby names and prams, going out with his friends and coming back stupidly late and stupidly drunk, getting into debt, the list goes on). In the end I was anxious, needy, insecure and never went out, unless it was to do a food shop. (He didn't stop me going out. I just lost all confidence.)

2 years on, things are very different. He got a good job and passed his driving test. The Xbox mostly collects dust and he doesn't go out that often (still can't handle his drink though!). I, instead of being desperately ill with morning sickness or attached to a clingy, breastfeeding baby, now have a life. I have made friends and see them regularly, whether it's for a day shopping or out on the piss . I've started an exercise class. I go to every baby group going, and drive to new places.

I'm absolutely terrified that getting pregnant again will take me back to where I was before.

Sorry for going on a bit there! I think you should spend a long time working on yourself first, then see if you still want another baby. I think that maybe you need that fulfilment as you don't have much else going on (I don't mean that in a horrible way, sorry if it comes across like that).

I'm also put off majorly by the car thing. We currently all squeeze in a normal car but I wouldn't want to drive or pay out for a bus, particularly!

MyCrazyLife Tue 19-Aug-14 08:34:35

WhoMoved - can I ask, did the PND come back again this time? Maybe I had a touch of that.

cabbagedinner Tue 19-Aug-14 09:42:39

That's it whomovedmyvuvu,I've been either pregnant or breeding for almost the last 6 years! Come September I'll only have 1dc at home,I won't know myself.
I really do need to start enjoying the next phase.
Mycrazylife,you sound great,getting out so much, I really need to start getting out more.
Sorry for replying individually, appreciate all the replies, if we had a fourth, things would be even tighter.
InternetFOREVER, wish the voice wouldn't lie to me and wish it would listen to my head more grin

cabbagedinner Tue 19-Aug-14 09:44:56

Breeding!! Breeding!! It's ment to say B.feeding!
Almost fell off chair when I read that!

MyCrazyLife Tue 19-Aug-14 10:56:04

Haha breeding! Not the best way to describe your family, Cabbage grin

In September I'll have one at school, one doing her 15 hours at nursery and one doing 3 hours at nursery (that I'll pay for - its only £7 and during this time I'm going to get some sneaky counselling - still got some demons to erase!).

It will be a bit strange after the busy summer holidays with all three of them and DP mostly working away. But I think I need the peace blush plus, we are pretty skint too. I had some money put away and I've spent it. Mostly on stuff for the DC, granted, but not necessarily things they desperately needed!

Cabbage, maybe make it your goal in September to just get out more. You'll only have the one then. I got a timetable from Sure Start, found a group that fit in with my schedule and forced myself to go. I was shaking with fear and after it was over I rushed out of there. But now, I look forward to going. I've made friends, the kids love it, and my house stays clean grin

Next, I forced myself to say YES to the next social thing I was invited to. I always managed to find an excuse, which wasn't difficult with three young DC! I would feel "safe" at home. But I watched DP, who went to everything he was invited to, and had loads of friends, and gradually I became bitter, jealous and resentful. So I agreed to go to a "pamper day" with the school mums, I crapped myself the whole way through it, ha, but now we're great friends smile

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela Tue 19-Aug-14 22:27:26

No, thankfully crazy it seems not to have done. I was sort of ready for it this time though so had a few strategies to keep it away (and I was ready to leap on it straight away had it put in an appearance...no mucking about this time I would have been off to the Dr sharpish and I still will be if it comes along later). As well and DH I have some very honest friends who I asked to keep a bit of an eye on me in case I started/start to show signs. Life is a lot less stressful than it was when the PND was at it's worst and I think that has been a big factor for me too.

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